La Vie en Bleu (13 page)

I looked down at the phone. I hadn’t told him where I was. I
looked up at Rebecca who shook her head. “How do you know where I am?”

“You told me.”

He was lying.

“I did not. How do you know?”

While he tried to tell me that I had revealed my location, I got
up and walked over to the window. Just as I’d thought. One of his drivers
leaned against his bonnet, dosing in the sunshine. “I can see James.”

“Oh, he is there to help you.” Doug sounded distracted and
distant. “Don’t worry about him.”

“That’s creepy, Doug.” I moved away from the window. “Don’t turn
into that weird guy.”

“I won’t . . . Look, I have to go . . . I’ll talk to you later.”

He hung up.

I stared down at the phone, frowning. He’d cut me off. Was he mad?

“That is pretty creepy,” Rebecca said, peeking out the window. “He
got some kind of mob ties or something?”

Even the thought made me giggle.

“Doug?” I raised my eyebrows until Rebecca laughed at her own dumb
thought. He was about as mysterious as Clingfilm. Doug was what it said on the
label.

“You wish to lose the tail?” Babs said with a grin. “I can arrange
something to curtail your shadow,
oui
?”

“Is
she
in the mob?” Rebecca asked, thumbing in Babs’s
direction.

“Er, no . . . unless you count designer bathroom suites as illegal
merchandise.”

Rebecca looked thoughtful as she studied Babs. At five-foot-four,
Babs was three inches or so shorter than Rebecca. Her hair was raven black with
a white streak on the left temple. Like Berne, she exuded a sensuality that
enraptured most who looked at her. Babs was fiery, furious, passionate, and
absolutely gorgeous. Her intense brown eyes, her Romanesque nose, her
wide-lipped smile, and curvaceous contours made her catch most people’s
attention.

Rebecca, I could tell, was drawn like a moth to the flashlight.
What I wasn’t expecting was for Babs to be as drawn to her.

She was hiding it well enough but I knew better. I knew the flick
of the eyes over Rebecca’s . . . well . . . behind, when she turned away.

“You don’t think Babs looks like a designer?” I asked, prodding
the gawping Rebecca.

It was nice to get my own back. French women were enchanting. It
was good to know I wasn’t the only helpless admirer.

“What?” Rebecca smiled in a daze. “No . . .” She shook her head.
“I mean yes . . . I mean, I was wondering why we hadn’t dragged her into the
design process.”

“Trust me,” I said. “Where Berne works, Babs will be . . . I
think.”

Babs nodded, eavesdropping again. “Always. It will be fun,
non
?”
she shot at us before going back to her animated phone conversation.

I looked around for Berne. Where was she?

“Viper,” Babs muttered. “Bebe was going to have to explain why
she’d ditched her to play hero eventually.”

“Viper?” I asked.

“Vivienne.” Babs disconnected and nodded with complete
seriousness. It made me feel a sense of pride that Babs disliked the woman.

“She’s really as bad as that?”

“
Oui, oui
. She may think she is some gift to the women
mais
,
she is nothing but a . . .” Babs “mmm’d” as she tried to think of the word in
English.

“Bad influence?” I asked.

Babs shook her head.

“A drunk?”

Tutting, Babs shook her head again.

“A superficial twig?” Rebecca seemed to feel the need to join in
and help too.

Babs roared with laughter then shook her head. “
Non
.”

“A bitch?” Both of them turned to look at me and I shrugged.
“What?”

“Who is a bitch?” Berne’s voice behind me made me tense.

“Me,” I said, plastering what I hoped looked like a confident
smile on my face. “For . . . um—”

“Ditching your fiancé?” Rebecca said.

“Abandoning Berne?” Babs said.

“Not telling him you weren’t pregnant?” Rebecca added.

“Hey!” I folded my arms and the two of them looked at each other.
“Enough with the judgement. I suck, we know that I suck. This is confirmed, I
heartily suck big time.”

Both nodded and I turned to look at Berne.

She looked stressed, her eyes puffy.

“Did she upset you?” My anger shot through my veins with such
force that I clenched my fists into balls. “How dare she yell at you.”

All three looked at me with raised eyebrows.

“What?” I put my hands on my hips. “What?”

“Steady on, Pip.” Rebecca’s smug grin made me frown even deeper
and my forehead ache.

“I will not take it easy.” I looked at Berne. How did I explain
that it drove me nuts to think of her going anywhere near some sultry,
superficial twig, who was a drunken bad influence
and
a bitch? “I don’t
like her.”

My words brought a smile to her lips and the light seemed to flow
back into her. “I am very happy that you do not.”

“Will you still be able to come with me? I don’t want to cause
trouble—” I held my hand up. “Actually, I
do
want to cause trouble but
she is your priority.”

Ouch, ouch, ouch that stung.

“
Oui
.” Berne blinked a few times. “I will guide you as
promised.”

Was the
“oui
”about coming with me or Vivienne being
priority?

“Are you sure?” I tried to search Berne’s eyes but she looked lost
in her thoughts. “Berne, I have no right to ask you to do anything.”

With a sigh, she wandered into the kitchen. The three of us
watched as she snapped open a can of pop and wandered out onto the balcony. I
looked at Babs, hating that I couldn’t help to ease her mind in this situation.
I was part of whatever problem she had, that much I knew.

“I will go. Perhaps you tell my delightful lemon slice about the
rules of our favourite game,
non
?” Babs smiled. “She could do with some
relaxation.”

Helpless to do anything but nod, I watched Babs wander out after
Berne and shut the door.

“This was why I didn’t want to come back here.” Running my hand
through my hair, I strode to the table and pulled out a pack of cards. “This is
my fault.”

“Pip, why
did
you leave her?” Rebecca’s voice held an edge
of caution as though she expected me to explode like a firework.

I slumped down onto the sofa and pulled the cards from the pack. I
hated feeling so unhinged and I hated making even the people closest to me
tread on eggshells.

“It’s a long story.”

I felt her sit down beside me. “Pip, you told me that she was in
the past but it’s clear she’s very present.”

“Yes.” I shuffled the cards, unable to meet Rebecca’s eyes.

“Pip, you wear her ring all the time.” Rebecca pulled me around to
look at her. “You wear her ring not his. You still have a rugby shirt that we
both know is hers too.”

“Yes.”

“When you’re around her, you set off all kinds of vibes. I mean,
where has this side been?” She laughed to herself. “I sound like my father now
but I feel like I don’t know you.”

The nausea pulsed in my stomach. “I don’t know myself anymore.”

“I think you do.” Rebecca held me by the shoulders. “I want you to
know that I love you to pieces whatever you do . . . but, Pip . . .” She
squeezed my shoulders. “If I’m gonna help you and support you through this, I
need the truth.”

“You’re not mad at me?” I felt a trickle of warmth on my cheeks
and rubbed at the tears. “I don’t know why I have such a problem talking about
things.”

“Because you think I’ll get mad at you and never talk to you
again?”

I laughed through the sobs. “Something like that.”

Rebecca looked up at the balcony. Berne and Babs were chatting
away. Well, Babs was jabbering on while Berne stared out into the distance.

“Did you realise how you felt about her when you met?”

I shook my head and retrieved a tissue from my pocket. “I can tell
you that she provoked so many emotions that I was completely overwhelmed.”

I smiled. Berne had been playing that piano in the storm. When
she’d turned to look at me, I had wanted to run away and towards her all at
once. Such a collision of desperately wanting to know her and terrified to even
look at her.

Berne was older, cooler, wiser, and effortlessly calm. She seemed
to know what to say and what to do. She knew when to wait and when to charm me.

“I could barely speak when we met.” My stomach wriggled at the
memory. “She could speak English but just listening to her made every part of
me ache.”

“I am guessing she still has that knack?”

“Mmm.” I tried not to stare too long at Berne and Babs, tried not
to read Babs’s lips in the hope of some enlightenment.

“Why did you leave her?” Rebecca was looking too. Babs held her
attention though.

“Fear.”

“Of?”

How could I explain how petty it all was? How silly it sounded all
these years later.

“Losing her.”

Rebecca looked at me but I nodded.

“Berne wanted to be in the gendarmerie, like her brother, but she
wanted to be on the bikes.”

“And?” Rebecca sat back, surveying me as though she had never met
me before. I suppose it was the first time she’d seen me inside out.

“Walking home, I was so in love.” I stared down at my hands. “I
mean Berne meant so much to me that my whole life seemed to revolve around her.”

“Kinda what happens, Pip.”

“I know that, but it got too much maybe. I couldn’t operate
without her as part of my day.” How could I explain the worry now? I couldn’t
understand it myself. How could I untangle the mess of emotions from that
terrible day? “I passed a motorcycle accident on the way home . . . an officer
. . . it was awful.”

“Ah.”

Confused by her tone, I met Rebecca’s eyes, which filled with
love. “You couldn’t bear the thought of that ever happening to her.” A smile
drifted across her face. “You didn’t want to stop her chasing her dream
either—”

“So I did the only thing I could and walked away.”

Not quite the full story but it was all I could manage. Rebecca
pulled me into a cuddle. “Pip, you must have ripped out your heart and you went
through it all alone.”

“Trust me, you helped . . . you always do.”

She rubbed a soothing hand on my back. “Actually, I do know you.
Being so dumb and so sweet is exactly the girl I love.”

“Look where it’s gotten me. I’ll have to walk away all over again
and this time I’ll have the searing pain of knowing some woman is sleeping
beside her.” The pain of that brought more tears to my eyes.

“Why don’t you tell her?” Rebecca kissed the top of my head.
“There’s no reason for you to leave now is there?”

“I promised Doug to marry him. I can’t ask Berne to give up
Vivienne.”

“Why?”

Again, it would be something that sounded ridiculous to most
people. Why shouldn’t I just be with the person I adored? Why shouldn’t I have
what I wanted? “Because, I don’t want her to compromise who she is for me.”

“I don’t follow.”

Sighing, I sat up and rested my elbows on my knees. “She always
had to fix everything for me. Doug has to do the same. I always feel like a
baby and I want to be a person.” I stared out at Berne, searched for a sign
that she was feeling better now. “I need to find who I am.”

“And being in love won’t give you that?”

I shook my head. “Not until I can stand up tall as an equal. Not
until I stop being a coward. Be someone that whoever I am with looks to as much
as I do them.”

Rebecca smiled. “I get that.”

Snuggling back into her, I let the relief ease through me. “I
should have known you would. I’m sorry I kept it from you.”

“Don’t be,” she said. “But sharing helps you get your thoughts
straight, you know?”

“I know that I love you, how’s that?”

Rebecca kissed me on the head once more. “Back at you, Pepe.”

Chapter Eleven

MORNING WAS COOL but held the promise of a beautiful blue day.
Berne clicked shut the tailgate of her truck. The equipment needed for their
trip stowed safely, she leaned against the metal warmed by the gentle sun.

Her mind would not still. No matter how much she had tried to
meditate this morning, her moments of inner quiet would not come.

The argument with Vivienne and the vision of Pippa took turns in
tormenting her until she had rolled restless from her bed.

Even in times past, in times when she’d pined so deeply that her
heart laboured with every beat, she’d always been able to meditate. That was
the one thing that had seen her through that burning loss, that desperate
despair.

If she could not meditate now, what would she do when Pippa walked
back out of her life once more? What would she do when Pippa walked away with
him
?

“
Bonjour
.”

Berne turned and smiled at Rebecca as she strolled into the sunshine.
She made the mental note to add more high-factor sun cream to the bags. For one
so pale, Rebecca would not find the baking sun deep in the gorges forgiving.

“
Bonjour
.”

“You know as her best buddy, I am supposed to keep her
confidence.”

Berne nodded. She would expect no less. Babs and she were very
much the same. A golden rule.

“But there are times when you know you got to do what is best,
right?”

Not sure she wanted this conversation to continue, Berne shrugged.
The last thing she wanted was to come between friends or be the cause of any
rift at all.

“Pippa loves you and you know that.” Rebecca wandered to the truck
and leaned against it next to Berne. “And you love her, which she knows.”

“
Oui
.” She loved both Babs and Rebecca for trying to help but
the statement of feelings meant nothing. Pippa would marry Doug because it was
better for her in the long run. Maybe because her mother would be happier or
she wished to live a rich, happy life.

How could she compete with that? She could offer her no riches, no
fancy holidays, or social status.

No matter how much Pippa said she loved her, she was still going
to walk away.

“You need to show her you want more.”

“Pardon?” Berne had seen Rebecca remind Pippa time and again of
her obligations to Doug.

“Look,” Rebecca glanced up to the house, “Pippa left you not
because she was bored or ashamed or didn’t love you anymore.” She stared off
into the distance. “I won’t tell you exactly why because that’s her job but it
was for a reason that I know you’ll understand and love her for.”

As if Berne didn’t feel that way already. “She never called.”

“Berne, Pippa needed therapy when she came home. I mean years of
it. Seriously, she really was hurting.” Rebecca smiled. “I’d always been
terrified of what happened to her here. It never once occurred to me that she
might just be going through the same thing as me.”

“You were heartbroken?”

Rebecca waved her hand about. “Yes and no . . . My father disowned
me. He was all I had after . . . well . . . it was just the two of us.”

Berne’s heart pumped harder at the thought of her father doing
such a thing. Every day she was thankful for her parents and their love.
Blessed was too light a word for her upbringing.

“She helped me through the whole thing and never told me a word.”
Rebecca nodded as Berne looked at her. “Yeah, that’s right. Pippa got me
through the whole thing. She found us an apartment, we got jobs, she made sure
that I knew I had her.”

It didn’t surprise her at all. “That sounds much like her.”

“Problem is, Pippa doesn’t see that she does as much for me as I
do for her.” Rebecca pushed off the truck and centred on Berne, her back to the
house behind her. “Pippa thinks she’s not your equal—that she can’t be with you
if she’s not fifty-fifty with you.”

Such a thought was illogical. Pippa was no less, Pippa meant
everything to her.

“I know you don’t see her that way and I know that she probably
backs you up when you need her, right?”

“
Oui
. She helps just by being around.” Berne swallowed the
wriggle in her stomach. The argument with Vivienne re-surfacing. “Pippa is
always present, always interested in me, deep inside.”

“Then do everyone a favour and help us all show her that.” Rebecca
smiled. “I’m team Pippa all the way and since we’ve been here, I’ve seen her
come alive. I want to see her shine like that. I know you want it too.”

“More than I can express.” There were no words, no sounds that
could describe it. To be in her arms, to be in her heart, to be with her. It
was sweet torture. “But she will marry him, either way, she will do this.”

“Maybe.” Rebecca looked over her shoulder. “But give her a reason
not to. Fight for her. Berne, this is your chance to change her mind. Whether
she’s walking up that aisle or before, the truth will bring her back to you.”

Berne turned to the truck, making a show of checking its road
worthiness but all the while fighting the urge to slump into a heap on the
ground. “Is it not better that I leave her to prince charming?” She kicked the
driver’s side tyre with venom. “Is it not better that she have the perfect
life?”

“Doug is a great guy but I got my issues with him.”

“You do?” Berne tried not to smile at the information. He seemed
so perfect, a gentleman. It was hard to dislike his love for Pippa.

“Yes, he’s possessive and controlling, in a nice way but still,
Pippa is smothered when he is around.” Rebecca looked up at the sun and pulled
her baseball cap down further. “He’d look after her but she’d be what he wanted
her to be. I don’t want to lose her and right now she’s terrified she’s going
to lose herself.”

The sound of Babs and Pippa chatting filtered over the morning
birdcalls and Rebecca looked once more at Berne. “If she does do the dumb thing
and marry him . . . at least let’s make sure she knows who she is.”

How could Berne refuse? How could she turn around and say no, no,
she wanted Pippa to love and be with her? She wanted Pippa to save both their
hearts and find the courage to walk away from Doug. Berne wanted more, she
wanted Pippa to love her enough to come looking for her. She wanted not just a
fleeting chance of something, she wanted a declaration of everything.

Was that not fair? Was that asking too much? Why couldn’t Pippa
have loved her enough to stay?

Berne kicked the wheel again with more force than she’d intended
and bit back the sharp, shooting pain as her toe cracked. Rebecca was looking
at her, expectant for an answer, so she did the only thing she could with the
agony in both her toe and heart, she nodded.

I SHOULD HAVE known that Babs would be waiting for me in the
morning. Rebecca had helped me to pack my things, only, I’d noticed that she
stood back and gave pointers instead of taking charge.

Silly, but I was touched by the fact she’d listened and hadn’t
forgotten the moment the conversation had finished.

After breakfast, which was a silent, tense affair, I took a shower
and changed, ready to go. Babs was there in the kitchen, texting someone, and I
could hear faint sounds of Rebecca talking outside.

“You good to take a few days off?” I asked, knowing that Babs was
waiting for me to start.

“
Oui
. The wonder of owning the company.” She smiled at me
with an expression that worried me. Babs was not one for hesitation.

“Is this your ‘let her go’ moment?”

“
Non
.” Babs pocketed her phone in her cargo shorts. “It is
this. Why did you leave her heartbroken?”

Feeling the sudden urge to lock myself in the bedroom, I shoved my
hands in my own short pockets. It was too complicated. If I started, she would
want me to finish and unlike Rebecca, Babs wouldn’t let me stop until she’d
gotten the whole truth.

“Berne wanted . . . I couldn’t lose her . . . Can you see how
simple that is? I was scared of losing her.” I really did not want to go
through this again. Last night had been enough.

“You make no sense.”

“I know that I don’t . . . I . . .” Tears welled up in my eyes. I
couldn
’t
go through this conversation again. “Please . . . It was for the best.”

“You wear her ring. You gaze at her with longing. You are
desperate to be with her. So why, why do you hide this?” Babs slapped the
counter with her frustration. “I know that you adore her, that you have always
done this. Why do you hurt yourself and her by being with this man?”

“She’s better off without me.” I headed towards the door, not
willing to stay and face her interrogation.

Babs had every right to yell at me, it was only fair that she did.
I’d have yelled at me too. In fact, I did yell at myself quite often in spite
of the fact the counsellor had told me it wasn’t a great tactic.

“
Non
.” Babs pulled me around by the hand. I half expected
her to sock me one but instead, her eyes filled with patience. “Pepe, I love
you like a sister. I will not let you run from this.” She held tighter as I
tried to pull away. “You love this man? You love him like her?”

“No.”

“Then why is she better without you?” Babs wouldn’t let go and I
was stuck between yanking my arm away and bolting or standing and taking what I
deserved.

“She has Vivienne. She found someone else, someone who cares.”
Someone who’d been with her for years, not the solitary one we’d spent
together. That must have meant more.

“Vivienne does not care for her.”

Stopping my struggle to escape, I scowled. “What?”

“Vivienne, she takes advantage of her. Berne is nothing to her but
a secret . . . a mistress.”

Well, if I disliked Vivi-vixen-viper before,
now I wanted to . .
. to . . . do something very unladylike.

“What?”

“
Oui
. You left her to be mistreated.”

Ouch.

“Why . . . why would this
woman
do that?” I put my hands on
my hips. I wanted to poke the wench. Yes, that’s right. Poke her right in the
eye. “Why would she mistreat her?”

“Why would you abandon her and never say a word?”

I opened my mouth to argue but then sighed. Good point. “Then I’m
no better than this woman and she is better off without me.”

“
Non
, without you, she is so lost.” Babs took my hand. “She
needs you to come alive again.”

Odd images of me next to an operating table with lightning forking
across the sky made me blink. Rebecca and I watched far too many films. “Berne
doesn’t need me or anyone else to be wonderful, she just is.”

“And to be loved helps that to radiate from her. You are much the
same.” Babs wagged her finger as I opened my mouth to argue. “I hear enough to
know that you pine for her too.”

“Of course I do. That’s not the point.”

Conscious that Berne and Rebecca were waiting for us, I headed out
of the door and locked it behind Babs.

“She cries much of the time because of that woman.”

Ouch again.

“Why, what does Vivienne say?”

“It is subtle but I have watched it over the years. Piece by
piece, she picks away at the confidence, she has Berne to think that it is okay
to be shut away.” Babs shrugged. “It is not that she means to consciously but
her own fears drive so much.”

“Vivienne is afraid?”

“
Oui
.” Babs cocked her head. “You do not know why?”

“Of course I don’t.” Was I a mind reader? When would I have
learned this information?

“Vivienne is an actress. On television,
oui
?” Babs shook
her head as if astounded I didn’t know. “You remember that Raquel work behind
the scenes?
Alors,
they meet when Berne went to the set,
oui
?”

Raquel had been close to Berne and Babs back then. She was tall,
leggy, blonde, with men following her everywhere. Another charming French woman
who had intimidated me beyond measure. She’d been Berne’s age. She and Berne
could talk about things I didn’t understand. Lucky for me she’d been straight
or I would have seriously worr—

“They got together when Berne and Raquel split up.”

I missed my footing and stumbled, Babs caught me before I face
planted into the wall. “Berne went out with Raquel?”

“
Oui
.”

I couldn’t swallow. When did swallowing get so hard? I’d performed
the action automatically enough times, surely you couldn’t forget how to
swallow.

“Pippa?” Rebecca’s voice sounded somewhere nearby but I leaned
over onto my knees, trying to breathe. Swallowing was simple, why couldn’t I
swallow?

“Pippa, you okay?”