Lamb (15 page)

“Go inside.”

“I hate you.” A shaking whisper.

“No you don’t.”

She looked from Lamb to the old man and back again and ran out. Lamb stood still, blood beating hard in the sides of his neck and inside his thighs and rushing hot through his face and the palms of his hands. It was the sun working in him. He let his eyes shut halfway and took a deep, steadying breath. She’d go off in the grass behind the shop,
or beyond the outbuildings or to the river. She’d be back. There was nowhere for her to go. He set the full beer on the workbench. The breeze from the open window was cool and the blue sky was beginning to darken. Shadows were already capturing the trees at the river. Box elder leaves paler than they’d been two days ago.

Lamb exhaled. “I’m sorry you had to witness that.”

“Well.” Foster widened his small eyes and looked at the floor. For half a minute neither man spoke.

“She’s never done that before.”

“I guess a little taste of beer never hurt anybody.”

Lamb said nothing.

“You went for a walk,” Foster said. It was not a question.

“We had a little snack out there behind some old homestead.”

“Thought I saw you going north.” Lamb envisioned the old man on his rooftop with binoculars. “You shouldn’t,” Foster said.

“We didn’t. Well, initially we did. But we crossed back and went out that way.” He looked off beyond the old man as if he were pointing through the wall. “How far does that go?”

“Ninety mile.”

“All BLM?”

“Mostly.”

“Not much out there.”

“Beef cows.”

“We saw signs of that.”

“You don’t want to go north,” Foster said again.

“Some unfriendly landowners that way, what?”

The old man watched Lamb. “Ed Granger. Had a metal plate put in his head in eighty-one.”

“That right?”

“Never been right since.”

“Where’s that property start?”

“And he doesn’t like children.”

“I see.”

“Maybe you ought to go see about her.”

Lamb looked up. “Who? Em?”

Foster returned the gaze.

“She’s okay.” Lamb gestured with his head toward the cabin, wondering if Foster had seen her outside, through the window behind him. “She’s got a lot to deal with right now. Her mom gone and all.”

Foster looked at him with eyes Lamb couldn’t read.

“Her own mother was the drunk in that wreck.”

“Shame.”

“I know it.”

“But this is no place for a girl.” The old man surveyed the steel beams crossed above them. “Helped my brother-in-law Calhoun put this place up in seventy-four.”

“I remember you saying.”

“He had a godchild running around here back and forth all over the goddamned place. Just about lost her arm on a square of sheet metal.” He made a slicing motion across the belly of his forearm. “She was just a little thing.” The old man shook his head. “Kind of picture you don’t forget.”

“No, I’m sure.”

“Seventy-eight miles to a hospital. As you would know.”

Lamb looked out the window behind him toward the river and tree line, as if he might find the correct response out there. “I didn’t think things through too well, I guess. I’m not used to having a child around.” He turned back to Foster. “But if that’s the closest hospital, that’s something I should have taken into consideration.”

“You ought to take her home. Your home. Somebody’s home.”

Lamb said nothing.

“Pardon me if I’m speaking out of line.”

“No,” Lamb said, “you’re right. I guess we’ll head back in a couple days. I was just … we’re expecting company. A friend.”

The old man held his chin up. He raised a palsied, spotted hand. “I’ll leave you to your troubles.” He made for the door.

“Was there something you wanted, Foster?”

“Just see how you’re getting on. Let you know snow’s on its way.”

“We’ll be all right. You’re welcome anytime.”

“Pretty night coming on.”

“Yeah, she is.”

When the old man left, Lamb leaned against the workbench, his back to the window, and drained the beer as the shop darkened. He waited. He moved the lawn chair from beside the woodstove to the far corner of the shop and sat on the floor, his legs stretched out before him. He sat there an hour, then went out through the bunk room door and pissed in the weeds. It was dark but he could still see the green of the grass. He waited. Listened. He had no sense of where she was, so he walked back into the shop and left the door open behind him—that was as far as he’d go. She must have been waiting for it, because soon after he heard the main door swing open. She caught it to keep it from slamming, but he knew she was coming. When she stepped into the doorway the night was lit up blue-black behind her. She stood still looking in. He could tell she’d washed her face.

“You were supposed to be the lookout,” he said from the floor across the room.

“I’m sorry.”

“You have to pay attention to everything now. Do you see? Everything depends upon it. Our friendship depends upon it. You have to be awake.”

She was crying. She’d been crying for some time. She came to him.

“Tell me what it is,” he said.

She nodded and made little choking noises back in her throat. It was big crying. She ran her arm beneath her nose and Lamb reached into his pocket for a handkerchief. “Here,” he said, but she let it hang loosely in her fingers and fall from her hand. He picked it up and she took it, wiped her nose. “What’s the worst of it? That you feel bad like you ran away?” She shook her head. “That I slapped you?” She shrugged. “That you feel stupid. You feel like I tricked you into liking me then I turned around made you look bad in front of Mr. Foster.” She nodded. “Well. That makes sense. And I’m not surprised. But I want to say something about that, okay? When you calm down. Will you sit down here beside me? I’m not going to touch you. Right here. Good. Okay.” She sat on her feet a few inches beside him. “Now take a deep breath. That’s not a deep breath. Come on. I’ll do it with you. Ten of them, okay? Inhale,” he said. “All the way, nice and slow. Let it out. Nice and slow. Again. Big deep breath. Okay. Nine. Big breath. Again.” She breathed and listened to him breathe and counted backward to zero. “Better? Do you feel better?”

She shrugged.

“You’re shrugging at me.”

She shrugged again.

“You must be very upset.”

She stared at the floor.

“Can you listen to me even though you’re upset? Good. Now. Come over here. I can touch you? It’s okay if I touch you? How’s your skin? All burnt to hell, huh?” She smiled, and he put his arm around her and drew her in. “Come here, Tom. That’s all. Good.” He combed back her greasy hair with his fingers until his hand was behind her head. “Now,” he said, “I know that you’re upset. But what we’ve just done, my dear, is protect our friendship exactly the way we’ve been saying we’d have to. Right?” The girl did not move. He spoke very low, very gentle. “Imagine if I had not reacted like an angry uncle. What do you think Mr. Foster would have done? What do you think he would have made of a man letting his niece drink beer?”

Shrug.

“It’s child abuse, Tom.”

“It is?”

“Yes. It is.”

“He might call the police then,” she said, her voice hoarse from crying.

“Maybe. Although—and I’m not sure if this would be much better—he might just start stopping by a lot, right? Checking in. Ruining the week.”

“Oh.”

“But at worst, Tom, eventually he probably would have called somebody. Then I would have gone to jail, the police would have found out who you are and where you belong, and how do you think they would react to that back in Lombard?”

“Not good.”

“That’s correct. Not good.” They looked each other in the eye. “And what do you think Mr. Foster is actually thinking now?”

She stared down at the concrete floor.

“Out here you step out of line your dad’ll whip off his belt and bend you over and give you hell and high water.”

“Oh.”

“So I’ll tell you what’s happening right now down the road in that little white-painted house. Mr. Foster is mixing a basin of warm soapy water to wash his sick wife’s face with, and he’s thinking only about her, and about the temperature of the water, whether it’s too hot or too cold, and of her wrinkled face, and of whether she knows it’s him washing her. Maybe he’s crying over her face. Maybe he’s over crying about it. But I’ll tell you one thing he isn’t thinking about: you and me. Because on his walk back through the evening he would have already decided that in terms of us, everything is as right as rain. Wouldn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“And no police, and no angry mom, and no friends in Lombard who think you were in love with me and running away from Jessie. Right? Everything fine, the evening fine, the sky the color of a dark blue crayon, and the wind picking up because it’s October, and it’s the mountains, and it was all more beautiful than anything our girl had ever seen, right?”

She nodded at the floor, then looked up at him. “His wife is sick?”

“Very sick.”

“Aren’t you cold?”

He looked down at his chest. “No,” he said. He took her hand and opened her palm and pressed it to him. “Feel how warm.”

“Me too.”

“I know it. You’re sunburned. And Tommie, dear. Will you look at me? Can you see me?” She looked up.

“Didn’t we say this was going to require being a lookout, protecting each other? Didn’t we say this was unusual?”

“Yes.”

“I know we did. We shook on it. And you’re a girl who keeps her word.” He reached for the handkerchief and wiped at her tears. “It just breaks my heart to see you crying.”

This renewed her tears some.

“Say you forgive me. Say you understand.”

“I forgive you. I understand.”

“But do you mean it?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Oh, Tom.” He opened his arms. “Come. Will you hug me? Will you let me hug you?” He wrapped his arms around her. “You’ve washed up. But I’m all stinking and sweaty.”

“I only washed my face,” she said over his shoulder.

“I’m sorry about the cow shit.”

“I don’t think it was cow shit.”

“Your body feels very warm. Do you think you have a fever?”

“I don’t know.”

“Does your body hurt?”

“A little.”

“Ache from hiking or ache from fever? Can you tell?”

“I can’t tell.”

“Well, it’s probably both.” He held her thirty seconds, a minute, two minutes during which they did not speak or move. “Tom.”

“Mm-hm.”

“I’m not a bad guy. Do you believe me?” He put his hands to her shoulders and pushed her away a little and looked at her, holding on to her.

She nodded.

“This is something I’ve been keeping from you, okay? And we said we’d share everything, didn’t we?”

“Yes.”

He put two fingers beneath her chin and drew her face toward his own. “In Iowa we said we weren’t going to do this. Do you know what I’m referring to?”

“I think.”

He made a troubled face. “Tommie. I’m sort of out of familiar territory here. Do you understand?”

Nod.

“You feel a little bit the same way, don’t you? Please say yes or no. Please do me that courtesy.”

“Yes.”

“Yes you do?”

“Yes I do.”

“Do you know what I’m talking about?”

“I think so.”

“You think so. Okay.” He held her, her head in his hand. She sat sideways on her knees. “I don’t know what to do here, Em.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” He laughed. “You’re not going to help me, are you?”

She stared at him. He lifted her face again, close to his own. Her eyes were the largest he’d ever seen them. And here’s the truest statement anywhere about her: she was the loveliest, the most perfect
creature he had ever had the honor to touch beneath the face, to take up in his arms. He pressed his mouth lightly to hers—it was very small and chaste. A fatherly kiss. Then he pulled his head back a little and surveyed her face in the dark. “We said we weren’t going to do that, didn’t we?” His voice was raspy. His breath smelled just faintly of beer. “But we both sort of wanted to, didn’t we?” She nodded, and he pulled her in and squeezed her then let go again. “Does this feel scary to you?”

Shrug.

“Does it feel like we’re doing something that isn’t allowed?”

“Sort of.” She was barely audible.

“Because I kissed you or because I’m older than you.”

Shrug.

“Don’t shrug on this one, Emily Tom. We need to look at this from every angle. We need to confront it, right? Is it because you’ve never kissed anyone before? Or because I’m a little older than you are?”

She nodded.

“Both?”

“Both,” she said.

“Good. I need to hear that. Let me tell you something about age, okay? When you get older, you begin to appreciate how short life is. I mean really short. I mean you really get to know it. Like in your
bones. And what happens then, is everybody becomes a little ageless.”

“Oh.”

“Does that make sense?”

“A little.”

“Tell me something. Doesn’t Jessie ever kiss you good night?”

“No.”

“And no uncles? No grandfathers?”

“No.”

“So this would seem a little odd, wouldn’t it? Even though it’s a normal expression of affection.”

Nod.

“Do you think it doesn’t feel good to give you a kiss like that?”

No response.

“Let me say that another way. Do you think I’m trying to hurt you?”

“No.”

“Good. Because I’m not. Do you believe me?”

“Yes.”

“Sometimes when men and women kiss and are … you know, like that with each other. Sometimes people get their hearts broken, right? People sometimes get hurt. That’s how it’s said. Right?” He held her close. She was like a little furnace. He drew her up onto his lap. “Maybe that’s what happened to Sid? Or to your mom, right?”

“When Sid’s cousin broke up with her boyfriend, she cut up her arms with a fork.”

Lamb made a face. “Because her heart was broken?”

“I think so.”

“Oh, Em. Promise me you’ll never do anything like that.”

“I would never.”

“I know you wouldn’t. You love life too much. It’s partly that love of life that I saw in you that day in the parking lot.”