Lament for a Lost Lover (17 page)

Edwin had his tasks. They were out-of-doors, and often he would ride out with Carleton about the estate. I knew, of course, that this was part of the sounding-out process and that Edwin would be explaining to those trusted Royalist adherents, who like Carleton and the rest of us were awaiting the day of the return of the Monarchy, how many troops could be mustered and brought into the country should this be necessary. The great hope was that it would not be, and that it would be possible for the King to be invited back to his kingdom.

Being fond of children and having had young brothers and a sister of my own with whom I had spent a great deal of time, I understood them, and Chastity and I were soon friends. I found some slate and drew on this for her with a piece of charcoal, much to her pleasure. But her mother was not sure that Chastity should enjoy anything, and so I said I would draw letters on it so that she could learn to read.

Ellen was puzzled. Was it good for Chastity to learn to read? If she had been meant to learn, wouldn’t God have put her into that society where she would have done so? She would have to consult Jasper.

Jasper, in her eyes, was the omniscient one. Jasper had fought in Cromwell’s army; he had been one of those who had always been against Royalty. He had been a serious man, a true Puritan and had not been afraid to admit it even in the days when it might have brought him into trouble with those who held opposing views and were in a position to enforce them. It was different at these times.

“We are the masters now,” Jasper had proudly told Ellen, and she was fond of repeating it in the kitchen.

It was a difficult problem for Jasper to solve, because Ellen had obviously pointed out that there was not really enough work for Harriet and me to do in the kitchens, and we were not very good at it in any case, and it did prevent my being idle. After consulting with his Maker (“He were on his knees two hours last night instead of his usual one,” Ellen told us), it was decided that Chastity and I might continue.

“Tell me a story,” Chastity used to say, and I would think of something, but this was frowned on as lies, which could bring no good to anyone.

During those days I became a sort of nursemaid-governess to Chastity, which I quite enjoyed. Harriet would wander out, as she would say, to do some tasks out-of-doors.

Sometimes I wondered where Harriet went to, for she would disappear for some hours. Often she would return with a basket of plants or berries of some sort and tell us that she had a wonderful recipe for a cordial which she would make and which would bring great benefit to the household. The only point was the plants had to be left until they were ready for use, which would take some little time. She needed more plants, and she would invent names which had Ellen and her maids agog, for they had never heard of them. It did not occur to them that nobody else had either.

There was something unreal about those days. Every morning when I woke up I would, for a few seconds, wonder where I was, and it would be a few more seconds before I could bring myself to believe that I was really in England, in Edwin’s home, playing a part. Sometimes Edwin was not with me when I awoke. Sometimes he went out at night. It was then I realized the danger of his mission. He would whisper to me: “Be very quiet. No one must know that I slip out at night. There are people it would be too dangerous to see by day.”

Happy days! Strange days! Unreal days! I wished that Cousin Carleton was not there. I often found his eyes on me, as though he were faintly amused and at the same time a little sorry for me. I think he had decided that I was rather stupid which did not endear him to me.

There was an occasion when I was alone with him.

Edwin was out, so was Harriet, and I had gone to the library to see if I could find one of them, for the library was our meeting place. To my consternation I found Carleton there.

I flushed a little and murmured: “I am sorry. I thought I might find Edwin.”

“Come in and close the door.”

“I don’t want to disturb you.”

“If you were, do you think I should ask you?”

“No, I suppose not.”

“I see you have made a true assessment of my character … in that respect.”

“Did you want to speak to me?”

“Yes. You are teaching Chastity her letters, I hear.”

“Do you object to that?”

“Indeed, no. It is an excellent project. I abhor ignorance and applaud the effort to eliminate it. Do you keep your ears open in the kitchen?”

“Yes. But I have discovered little. Ellen is a staunch supporter of her husband and he is an ardent follower of the Cromwells.”

“Jasper is a fanatic. I am always wary of fanatics. A man who follows a cause because it is expedient to do so can be amenable. You only have to show him something which will be more advantageous and he could well become your man instead of the enemy’s. But fanatics? God preserve me from them.”

“Are you not a Royalist fanatic?”

“Bless your innocence, no! I support the King because the King’s party will give me back what I have lost. It’s true I believe that this killjoy rule can never profit a country and it’s damned uncomfortable for the individuals. But you must not endow me with virtues I do not possess.”

“I don’t think I have endowed you with any virtues that I can think of.”

He laughed. “So I guessed. And in that you show wisdom, for I possess so few that they are completely submerged by my sins.”

“At least you are honest about yourself.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Only when it suits me. I tell you, dear cousin … I may call you that behind the protection of locked doors … that I am a wicked man. My wife prefers others and for good reason. We have one taste in common, and although we cannot share our pleasure, we understand the other’s need to pursue it. I am talking too bluntly. Forgive me. I was afraid you might form too good an opinion of me.”

“As I have told you, you need have no anxieties on that point.”

“I am relieved. I come of a lusty family, and since you are now a member of that family, you should have no illusion about it. Women have been the downfall of many of my ancestors. They have an irresistible fascination for us. My great-grandfather kept three mistresses all within a few miles of each other and not one of them knew of the existence of the others. It was quite a feat because there has always been a great deal of gossip about the family. There is … in such a place. We are the leading family, and our exploits used to be watched with interest. Great-grandfather was insatiable. No village girl was safe.”

“How interesting,” I said mildly, determined not to show that I was disturbed, because I felt he was leading to something.

“Now and then,” he went on, “we throw up a paragon. My uncle—Edwin’s father, who is now in Cologne with the King—is of a different calibre. Devoted to duty and faithful to his wife. Something of a phenomenon in the Eversleigh family.”

“I am glad of that.”

“I thought you would be, and I am glad to have an opportunity to talk to you. I daresay you will be leaving soon. It may well be within three or four days. We shall bring back Tom, who will then be thought to have the money from Chester, and then you’ll ride away and we’ll arrange to get you across to France again … your little adventure over. I admire your courage in coming and your devotion to your husband.”

“It was Harriet who thought of it.”

He smiled slowly and nodded. “Oh, yes. I guessed that.”

Then he looked at me, and I could scarcely believe it but there was a hint of gentleness in his eyes. But I immediately told myself I must have imagined that.

I stood up, and this time he did not attempt to detain me.

I went to my room, for neither Edwin nor Harriet were in, and I thought for a long time about that encounter. I was sure it meant something, but I was far from sure what.

Chastity was becoming very fond of me. She followed me round and before I realized it we were playing games together. Poor little Chastity had never known what it meant to laugh and be merry before. I couldn’t help it. I would take her some way from the house and play games with her. Alas, once we came too near the stables and Jasper heard our laughter. He came out, snatched up Chastity and carried her into the house, pausing only to dart a look of black suspicion at me.

When I next saw Ellen she told me that Jasper was very displeased. I replied that surely there was nothing sinful in a little childish high spirits.

“You should have been teaching her the word of God not to be making a mockery of godliness.”

“I did nothing of the sort,” I protested. “It was a simple game of hide-and-seek. She was enjoying herself for once and …”

“Jasper says we were not put on this earth to enjoy ourselves, mistress. Jasper says he don’t know what sort of place you come from, but he reckons Chester must be a wicked place for you to carry on as you do.”

I thought of poor little Chastity, who was no doubt being punished for enjoying a brief period of innocent pleasure, and I forgot caution in my anger.

“Oh, yes,” I cried, “it’s Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.”

She stared at me, her hands lifted above the bowl dripping flour into it.

I flounced out of the room. I wondered what Jasper would make of that.

The next day Chastity came up to my room. I was there alone, mending one of my petticoats which I had caught on a bramble bush the day before.

Chastity crept in furtively. She was a bright-eyed, pretty little creature, and there was the faintest touch of defiance in her eyes, and I imagined she had been told to keep away from me. She had learned that there was something else in life besides prayers that went on for so much of the day, and sewing garments that must not be pretty since beauty was sin, and learning the Scriptures off by heart and being shut in her room to commune with God on her sins.

For a brief while she had laughed and played games that did not have to improve the mind; she had acted just for the joy of being alive. And she had a will of her own.

“Chastity,” I whispered, and I couldn’t help sounding conspiratorial.

“Mistress Bella!” she cried and ran to me, burying her face in my lap and then looking up to smile—I must admit rather mischievously—at me.

“You’re not supposed to be here, you know,” I said.

She nodded laughing.

“I suppose I should tell you to go.”

“You should take me down to my mother and tell her that I have been wicked,” she said soberly. “But you won’t, will you?” She looked at the closed door. “Nobody knows,” she went on. “If anyone comes I’ll hide.” She ran to the cupboard, opened it and stood inside. Then she came out flushed with laughing.

She looked so pretty and so different from the poor little suppressed child I had seen when I arrived that I wanted to snap my fingers at the Puritans and let her be happy.

She came over to me and looked at the petticoat in my hand. It was a little too elaborate for a Puritan woman. It occurred to me then that we had not really been thorough enough. Of course we hadn’t. Harriet and I had not been part of the plan. We had broken into it, disrupting it.

“Tell me a story,” said Chastity. It was forbidden, of course, unless it was a homily on the wages of sin but I told her a story I had heard recently in France about a girl who had been forced by her stepmother to slave in the kitchens and whose fairy godmother had appeared and transformed her by conjuring up a ball dress so that she could go to the ball and meet the Prince who fell in love with her. Chastity was entranced and I couldn’t help feeling gratified to see how much she enjoyed it. I thought: I’ll be gone soon. What harm can it do for her to have a little pleasure?

While I was talking she was examining the petticoat I was mending, and putting her hand into the pocket, she brought out a shining button.

“Oh … pretty!” she cried.

She held it in the palm of her hand, her face transfixed with joy just to contemplate it.

“What is it?” she asked.

“It’s a button. I remember the dress it was on. It was blue velvet and there were ten buttons like this. One of them must have come off. Yes, I remember now when I last wore it. I meant to sew it on and put it in the pocket of my petticoat and clearly forgot it.”

Her fingers closed about it lovingly. She looked at me appealingly. What could I do? How foolish it was I realized later, but at the moment it seemed so trivial.

“Please … please, Mistress Bella, may I have it?”

How could I say no? What was it? Only a button. Poor Chastity, she was starved of pretty things.

I did say: “Your mother and father would perhaps not want you to have something so pretty.”

She hunched her shoulders and looked at my slyly. I didn’t say anymore. I knew that she would be wise enough to keep it out of their sight.

I didn’t see Chastity the next day. Ellen said she was in her room.

“Not sick, I hope,” I said.

Ellen nodded gravely.

“Perhaps I could go and see her?”

“Indeed not,” said Ellen fiercely.

Even then I was not suspicious.

I went out into the gardens to do my stint of weeding, and as I bent over the earth I was aware that a man was watching me.

I looked up sharply, uneasy as one always is when one feels one has been watched while unaware of it.

“Good day to you, friend,” said the man.

I replied with the customary: “And good day to you, friend.”

“I have travelled far and am in need of a bit to eat and a place to rest. Do you think I’ll get it at the house there?”

“I am sure you will. People in need are never turned away.”

“Can you be sure of it, mistress?”

“I can indeed.”

I straightened up and surveyed him—black coat, broad-brimmed hat, cropped hair, the usual aspect of the Puritan. Indeed where did one see any other?

I went on: “I, with my husband and sister, have been given hospitality under that roof, so I can speak with knowledge.”

“Ah,” said the man, “you are not of the house, then?”

“No, but resting there while our servant brings us the means to continue our journey. It is for that reason that I cannot offer you hospitality myself but can assure you that it will not be denied you.”