Land of My Heart (20 page)

Dianne felt thoroughly chastised. She looked at her little sister and nodded. “If Mrs. Hammond says it’s a good thing, then it is. I’m sorry I scolded you.”

Betsy smiled, appearing to be satisfied with this.

“I’ve come to see if your mama needs anything,” Charity announced. “I hope she’s feeling better.”

“Sometimes she is. She really misses Ardith. But I think a lot of times she forgets that Ardith is gone.”

“That’s probably natural, child. I wouldn’t let it worry you too much. It’s never easy for a mother to lose a child. It’s worse than losing her husband or parents or friends. She’ll get better by and by. Have faith.”

Dianne thought of Mrs. Hammond’s words later that night as she sat near the campfire with Zane and Morgan. “What did you think of the reverend’s sermon today?” she asked her brothers.

“Seemed good enough,” Morgan said, finishing off the last of the dried apple cobbler.

“Sure,” Zane agreed. “He seemed to know the right things to say.”

“Betsy said she asked Jesus into her heart. I was remembering when they made us pray that prayer in Sunday school.”

Zane nodded. “We had that one old teacher who was mean as an old bear. What was her name?”

“Mrs. Cane,” Dianne offered. “She told us we’d feel her wrath before God had a chance to take over if we didn’t get right with the Lord. I just never thought about it until Betsy mentioned it this afternoon. No one forced Betsy to ask Jesus to save her—she just wanted to do it. Mrs. Hammond said that Betsy heard God in her heart.”

Morgan shrugged. “Guess so.”

They fell silent for several moments. Zane finally spoke as he added fuel to the small fire, poking at it with a stick and stirring up the embers. “I’ve been talking with the soldiers. They’ve been telling me about fort life and how they operate out here. I think when we get to Virginia City and we get Ma and you girls settled in with Uncle Bram, I’m going to join up.”

“But why would you do that?” Dianne questioned. She watched Zane for any signs of his playful teasing. Maybe this was nothing more than a joke. “You know how Mama and Papa felt about such matters.

That’s why Mama wanted us to move west. She didn’t want you boys involved in the war.”

“This is different. Out here, the plan is to keep the peace—not make war. More and more settlers are moving through, and after the war, there will be an even greater number of folks. Anyway, my mind’s made up.”

Dianne shook her head and looked to Morgan. “I suppose you’ll join up too? Seems like you twins are always following each other into one thing or another.”

“Not me—not this time,” Morgan replied, getting to his feet. “I’m too independent to be told what to do all the time. I don’t want to be some dressed-up lackey. I’ve already told Zane I don’t think much of soldiering. I’d hate for him to get himself killed by some warring Sioux or Cheyenne, but he doesn’t listen much to me anymore.”

“I’m a God-fearing man and I’m ready to do my duty to God and country. Besides, like the major in the fort told me, it’s better to die on the field of battle as a Christian should die than to die as one careless of his relations to the great hereafter.”

“What nonsense. Why should a Christian have to die on the field of battle?” Dianne protested.

“It says that in the
Military Handbook,
” Zane offered, as if that explained everything.

“And you believe it—just because some soldier said it’s true?”

“Well, we take the word of pastors as Gospel truth. Why not believe the army might have a good understanding of things as well?”

Morgan shook his head. “I think it’s all nonsense. I don’t plan on trying to die for God or anyone else. I plan to stay alive and enjoy this great world.” Just then a young woman with long blond hair walked by. Dianne had seen her making eyes at Morgan earlier in the day. She smiled over her shoulder and walked on. Morgan grinned and handed Dianne his plate. “And I plan to start right now.” He walked away, hurrying to catch up with the pretty miss.

Dianne thought it rather funny that her very independent brother would want to attach himself to someone of the opposite sex. Did he not realize that a girl like that wouldn’t be looking for a good time as much as she would be for a husband?

Zane yawned. “I’m going to bed. Will you be all right?”

“I’ll be fine,” Dianne murmured, not entirely sure it was the truth. So many questions rose in her mind. She wanted to know the truth of it, but no one seemed to have answers. Her brothers couldn’t even offer her insight into the situation. It seemed strange to Dianne that a six-year-old could be so deeply touched by God. Didn’t God speak only to white-haired old men?

She pondered these things all night long. In restless sleep she even dreamed of such matters. Who was she to say what was right or wrong in how God did business? If He could speak to Betsy, then maybe He could also speak to her. Hadn’t Faith even suggested the same? Thoughts of Faith caused a deep longing for a friend. Her friends back home had one another, but out here, there was no one for Dianne to confide in. She didn’t even have Trenton. Trenton would have understood her worries. He would have had answers.

Before morning light the soldiers in the fort were up and preparing for the day. Dianne couldn’t help but snuggle down deeper in the covers with Betsy. They wouldn’t need to rise for at least another hour. The wagon train wouldn’t be moving out today—that much she was sure of. Daniel Keefer had called a mandatory meeting for the men—probably to announce when they would head out and leave the fort behind. But it wouldn’t be today, so there was no rush to get up.

The night had turned chilly and a misty rain fell, making everything damp and miserable. The days could be quite warm, but as they neared the Rockies, the air had turned drier and the nights cooler. It was much more bearable than summer nights in New Madrid.

Thoughts of the town brought Dianne back to wonder how her friends were doing. Had the war intensified in New Madrid?Were there actual battles raging around them? So many people had suggested the fighting would soon come to Missouri in a major confrontation. Were there battlefields littered with the mortally wounded right there in New Madrid? Would Trenton be among the dead or dying?

Trenton came to mind more times than not. Often she would see something or hear a story and wish she could share it with her brother. When opportunity presented itself, she would write him a letter and share the details there. She’d been working on the same letter for the past three weeks, in fact. She’d had to share news of Ardith’s death and of their mother’s illness. It had taken a long time to figure out a way to put that information on paper without the facts just seeming cold and indifferent.

No matter how difficult, however, she would have to finish the letter today. Dianne figured Mr. Keefer would tell them they were leaving tomorrow—maybe the day after. She wanted to mail the letter before leaving and figured to make one more walk across the river to the sutler’s store before they headed out.

“Is it time to get up?” Betsy asked, her voice groggy with sleep.

“Just about.”

“When will we be in Virginia?”

Dianne chuckled. “Silly goose, it’s Virginia
City
. Virginia is a state back East where the war is being fought.”

“I keep forgetting. When will we be there?”

“I hope in another month—maybe less. We have to wait until the wagon train can travel again. I think Mr. Keefer plans for us to leave in a day or two, however.”

Betsy yawned. “I’m glad. I want my puppy, and Mama says I can’t have him until we get to Virginia City.”

“Well, for now,” Dianne said, reluctantly pulling back the covers, “we need to get breakfast. Let me help you with your hair and we’ll get a fire going and start the oatmeal.”

In spite of the night’s misty rain, the morning brought clear skies and warmth. Dianne soon forgot her chill as breakfast was concluded and her brothers headed off for the meeting with Daniel Keefer.

“I need to try to get Mama to eat,” Dianne told Betsy. She dished up the last of the oatmeal. “Can you stay here and play nice?”

“Can’t I have a piece of apple for Dolly? She likes it so much when I feed her apple.”

“We can go see Dolly later,” Dianne said, pouring a bit of milk in with her mother’s hot cereal. “It’s not safe for you to go alone.”

“Please. She’s not far away and Morgan was going there before the meeting. I can just catch up with him. Please.”

Dianne hated to deny Betsy anything. “Oh, all right. Just take one piece of dried apple. That’s our food supply, you know. Dolly can eat the grass, but we can’t.”

Betsy danced around and clapped her hands. “I’ll just give her one piece.”

Betsy disappeared with the treat for Dolly while Dianne took up the bowl and climbed into the wagon, praying as she went that God might make things better for her mother.

“Mama?” She spoke softly, hoping not to startle her. “I’ve brought you some breakfast.”

Her mother moaned softly and opened her eyes. “Why are you here?”

“I have breakfast. You need to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“But, Mama, the baby needs for you to eat.” Dianne worried about the unborn child as much as she did her mother. The excitement of another sibling helped her keep her mind off of losing Ardith.

The statement seemed to do the trick. Susannah sat up in the bed, yawning and wiping the sleep from her eyes. “I’m too tired to get up.”

“Mrs. Hammond said you should get up and move around. She said it would help you get your strength back,” Dianne suggested. She handed her mother the bowl of cereal and waited for her to begin eating.

For several moments, Susannah did nothing but stare at the bowl. “I can’t believe she’s gone. When I think about it, my heart hurts so much that I’m sure I’ll die too.”

“Oh, Mama,” Dianne said, tears coming to her eyes.

“It was my fault. If I hadn’t snapped at her …” Her mother pushed the bowl back into Dianne’s hands. “How do I live with the guilt?” She looked at Dianne with such an expression of pain that Dianne burst into tears.

“It wasn’t your fault, Mama. It was an accident.”

“Just like with your father?”

Dianne looked into her mother’s eyes and knew this was as close to an apology as she would get for all the blame her mother had heaped on her. Slowly, Dianne nodded. “Yes. Just like Papa.”

For several minutes neither one said a word. Dianne dried her tears and composed herself. There was no sense in crying every time she remembered their losses. It served no purpose. She told herself this over and over, but for reasons beyond her understanding, her heart failed to listen to her. Maybe that’s why she couldn’t hear God either. Her heart had simply stopped listening to anyone.

“It’s such a hard life out here. People die and get hurt. We should never have come. I should have stayed in Missouri. I should have kept the store.” Susannah fell silent, her gaze glassing over.

Dianne stiffened. She hoped this wouldn’t become something else her mother might blame her for. “Please eat, Mama. For the baby.”

“Leave it here and go. I want to be alone.” Gone was all sign of any softening or vulnerability. Her mother had firmly put her defenses back in place.

Dianne left the wagon wishing she could say something more. It was amazing that her mother had offered her what little she had. It comforted Dianne to know her mother didn’t blame her anymore for Papa’s death. Now, if Dianne could only forgive herself.

Dianne spent the morning washing dishes and tidying up their camp. She put together a dried beef stew and left it to cook in the Dutch oven while she went to work mending the boys’ socks. It wasn’t until an hour later that she realized Betsy had never returned from feeding Dolly.

A feeling of dread washed over Dianne as she cast the sewing aside. “Betsy!” she called out. Rushing to where the boys had staked Dolly and their other horses, she found no sign of Betsy. Dianne breathed a little easier. Maybe she had gone to see one of her friends. Betsy knew she wasn’t supposed to go anywhere without permission, but maybe she’d forgotten in the excitement of feeding Dolly.

Dianne made her way back to camp, passing by their oxen and milk cows. Of late, Zane and Morgan had been helping her with the morning milking, leaving the evening session for Dianne to tend to on her own. She appreciated their help more than she could say. It allowed her to get a bit of extra rest before beginning the breakfast and other chores.

Up ahead, Charity Hammond waved and Dianne couldn’t help but smile. “The meeting broke up a few minutes ago. We leave day after tomorrow.” Charity seemed quite excited about this news. “So what has you out here, child?”

“I’m looking for my sister. Have you seen her?”

Charity frowned and shook her head. “She knows better than to wander off, doesn’t she?”

Dianne nodded, but the look on Charity’s face brought all her apprehensive feelings rushing back. “I’m not sure where else to look. I thought she might have gone to see one of her friends. What with the measles epidemic, we haven’t let her be around other people for a while. I let her go feed Dolly some apple this morning, hoping it would help ease her boredom.”

“Well, maybe she’s gone to see the puppies. Mrs. Delbert’s camp is just up the way. Why don’t we walk over there and ask?”

It seemed like the perfect solution. Dianne knew her sister’s love of the little dogs. No doubt she’d gone there. The two women walked side by side past the herds of camp animals. Two hundred wagons generated a lot of livestock, and the army had required they post them on the far side of camp. No doubt they’d need to push on soon or they’d have to stake the animals out even farther away from safety in order to see them properly fed.

“Mrs. Delbert!” Charity greeted. “Have you seen young Betsy Chadwick?”

The rosy-faced woman smiled and slapped a piece of wet laundry over her shoulder. “She was here about a half hour ago. She came to see the pups and then told me she was going to feed one of the horses. My boy Joseph told her he’d go with her and give our mules a treat. The mules are down over that way. They might still be together.”