Laura Jo Phillips (52 page)

“I understand,” Hope said, “and I know you’re right.  But I’m feeling other things as well, much of which is not acceptable.”

“What do you feel that is not acceptable?” Jackson asked.

Hope looked up into Jackson’s eyes, then shifted her gaze to Rob, then Clark.  She felt their sincere concern for her, and she knew that they could not possibly judge her any more harshly than she judged herself.  Most of all, she knew that she could trust them.

“I feel afraid, and alone, confused and angry,” she said.  “I also feel jealous, which is absolutely not acceptable for me.”

“Let’s tackle these one at a time,” Jackson suggested.  “Why are you afraid?”

“Mostly because I don’t know if I will be able to keep my promise to Aisling,” Hope said. 

“That is a good reason,” Clark said.  “Why alone?”

Hope frowned at him.  “That’s obvious, isn’t it?”

“Perhaps,” Clark replied.

“I feel alone because I
am
alone.  My family is no more.  I’m all that is left now.”

“The confusion?” Jackson asked.

“My feelings for the three of you, and your feelings for me,” she replied, determined to be as honest as possible. 

“The anger?” Rob asked.

“I’m angry at the Brethren for taking me, Karma, Grace and Aisling from our homes, as though they have the right to do as they please with our lives.  I’m angry at the people who killed Harlan, and all of the other men and women who dedicated their lives to protecting others.  I’m angry that Ellicia died because she was trying to find me, and that those three little boys will never know their parents.”

“That is a lot to be angry about,” Jackson said.  “Why do you feel jealous?”

Hope hesitated.  She had promised herself she would be honest, but did she really want to be this honest?

“Please tell us,
Niha
, so that we can try to help you,” Jackson said softly.

“What does that mean,
Niha
?” she asked.

“In our ancient tongue it means
Hope
,” he replied.

“I like that,” she said.  “It’s pretty.”

“I am glad you like it,” Jackson said.

“I heard you recording the message to your Princes the other morning,” she said. 

Jackson nodded.  Hope had not snuck in or eavesdropped.  She had stood fully in the doorway, and they had known she was there.

“I know that you’re going to return to Jasan soon, and take the babies with you,” she continued.  “I know that if I tried to fight you, I wouldn’t win.  I couldn’t afford it, for one thing.  And now I know that Ellicia’s sister is a Princess, so I’m sure she has a lot of power.  I have no choice but to let you go, and take them with you.  It cost most of my savings to make the journey the first time.  If I’m unable to afford it again, I will never see them again.

“So the answer is, I’m jealous of you three.  You will be able to watch Harlan’s boys grow into men, and I will not.”

“Why are you so hard on yourself?” Clark asked as he picked up the end of Hope’s long, thick braid and ran it slowly through his fingers.

“I don’t think I’m hard on myself,” Hope replied.  “I’m honest with myself.  There’s a difference.”

“Very well, let us go back to the beginning,” Jackson said.  “Your fear of not being able to find Aisling.  Understand this,
Niha
, we will not give up looking for her.  But, you must accept that you are not to blame for whatever happened to her.  You do not own responsibility for another’s actions.” 

“But we promised we would come back for them,” Hope insisted.

“And you did,” Jackson pointed out.  “You went back for them, and you rescued Berta.  It is not your fault that the Brethren took Aisling before you returned.”

Hope thought about that for a moment and had to admit that Jackson was correct.  They had promised to return, and they had returned.  She felt as though a small weight was lifted from her.  She still wanted to find Aisling, felt as though she had to find her, but the guilt eased and that was a relief.  

“I would like to skip the confusion and the loneliness for the moment and move on to the anger, if that is acceptable,” Jackson said, once he was sure that Hope’s guilt over Aisling had been lessened, if not erased.

“That’s fine,” Hope agreed.

“There is a lot of anger in you, but it is not baseless anger,” Jackson said, choosing his words carefully.  “It is an honest and reasonable reaction to all that has been done to you, and to those whom you love, and care for.  There is nothing wrong with feeling anger.  There are those who allow anger to grow and fester inside themselves, and use that anger to strike out at others, and that is wrong.  But that is not you, Hope.  Accept your anger as you accept your grief.  They are unavoidable, but in time, you will gain distance from them.” 

“I don’t want to become a lonely, bitter woman,” Hope said.

“You will not,” Jackson replied.  His words had the ring of a promise, but Hope knew that was not possible.  How could he make promises about her life?  Nevertheless, she nodded as though she agreed with him and kept her thoughts to herself.

“Your confusion about your feelings for us is understandable,” Jackson continued.  “There is much you do not know about us.  In truth, you know very little.  We will teach you all that you wish to know.  We ask for your patience in this as there is much to tell you, and now is not a good time to begin.”

Hope nodded again, relieved this time.  She really did not feel up to a lesson in Jasani culture. 

“As for the loneliness and the jealousy,” Jackson said, his expression becoming stern and determined.  “Know this, Hope Strigida.  No matter what happens, no matter what choices are made, or who makes them, you are mother to those boys.  We would never take them to Jasan and leave you here alone, never to see them again.”

Hope’s eyes widened in surprise, but she felt Jackson’s sincerity, and Clark’s and Rob’s as well.  “But...”

“No,” Jackson interrupted her.  “Do not worry, do not wonder, do not ask how, or why.  None of those things matter.  This promise, from us to you, is what matters.  We ask that you believe us in this, and that you trust us in this.”

Somehow, Hope understood that this was a formal promise, and that her response was important to them. 

“I believe you, and I trust you,” she said.  “And I thank you.”

Chapter
55

Za-Marliq turned off the recording and forced himself to stillness.  The very thought of these squishy aliens finding Xantara was horrifying to him, as it would be to any Xanti.  He was very close to panic and, even though he was alone at the moment, that would not be a good thing. 

What was he going to do about this crisis?  He could not risk his cover.  That was an absolute.  Xaqana-Ti would do far worse than simply toss him to a hungry brood of younglings for that.  On the other hand, the fate of their entire world was at risk.

He did some rapid calculations.  Even if he utilized the high speed Xanti message system, it would take twenty-four hours for a message to reach Xantara, and another twenty-four for him to get an answer.  Too long.  He was on his own and he had to act now.  He spent a few minutes considering his options, then made his decision.

***

“We just received a message from Za-Marliq, marked Urgent,” Jarlek’s assistant said, rushing into his office. 

“What does it say?” Jarlek demanded, unhappy with the interruption.  They were expecting the Xanti to arrive the following morning and there was still a lot of work to do.  Organizing the remaining 103 members of the Brethren for a mass exodus was not as simple as it might seem.  His biggest problem at the moment was what to do with the females.  The human women they would simply leave behind.  But the
berezi
were another matter. 

There were currently six of them, five of which had been bred, and each having a Controller that severely limited their life expectancy.  None of the five was expected to live more than another year, at best.  The sixth one was the new one that they had brought back from the compound.  The problem was, they had no way of knowing if she was truly a
berezi
or not.  It had been so long since they’d found a
berezi
, that he had his doubts about her.  He wondered again why it was that so much time had passed since the last
berezi
had been found, then pushed that problem aside.

The important issue right now was that his son was being raised to the highest rank, and he would need a
berezi
to breed with.  That was the whole point of everything.  But if this new woman was not a
berezi
, were any of the older
berezi
capable of producing more children?  He didn’t think so, but he wasn’t sure.  He was very tempted to order the Controllers to self-destruct and be done with the problem, but what if they were the only chance Darck would have at breeding? 

Suddenly he realized that his assistant was still standing expectantly in front of him.  “What does the message say?” he demanded.

Teve began reading the message and Jarlek swore half way through it.  “How the hell are we supposed to manage that?” he demanded.  “There is no way.  It can’t be done.”

“The message also indicates that the woman is a confirmed
berezi
,” Teve added.

“Well, that decides that issue,” Jarlek said, immediately realizing that the problem with the current
berezi
that he’d just been struggling with was now solved.  Or would be, if they were able to acquire this woman.

“Did he give coordinates?”

“Did who give coordinates for what?” Darck asked, entering the office without knocking.

Jarlek nearly ordered his son out, but remembered that Darck would soon be head of the Brethren.  He explained the message.

“So, did he?  Give coordinates?” Darck asked Teve.

“Yes, Sir,” Teve replied, handing the message to Jarlek.  Jarlek read the remainder of the message himself, as well as the coordinates, and swore some more while Darck took the message and read it himself.

“I’m going,” Darck said.

“We can’t risk you, Darck,” Jarlek said. 

“I’m going,” Darck repeated firmly.  “Those damn women made a fool out of me.  If we’re going to get one back, she’s going to belong to me, and I am going to be the one to take her.”

“Fine,” Jarlek said.  “We don’t have much time, so lets get this planned.”

Chapter
56

Hope stood at the gate and watched as the air transport circled the landing strip.  She had been surprised and pleased by Grace’s early morning call to tell her she would be arriving in less than two hours. 

After her crying jag the evening before she had taken a hot shower, eaten a light dinner with the Bearens, and practically fallen into bed.  She’d slept better than she had in weeks, and felt better when she woke up than she had since her return from Jasan.

She smiled to herself as she remembered the expressions on the guys’ faces when she’d entered the kitchen that morning.  They all looked a little worried, and a little anxious.  The leap of happiness she had sensed from them when she’d smiled and wished them a good morning had made her feel good. 

When they handed her plate around, filling it up to overflowing with food, she hadn’t even thought twice about it, and she had enjoyed their conversation over breakfast.  She’d even laughed.  And she was not going to second guess the warm feeling she’d gotten when Clark had insisted she take her vox with her before leaving the house.  It just felt nice to have someone care about her, worry about her, look after her a little.  It didn’t make her helpless or weak, she insisted to herself.  It was just...nice.

When she’d told Clark that she didn’t like carrying a vox because it was hard to get out of her pocket, he’d grinned at her and stuck it in her braid, using the ear hook to hold it in place. 

“I don’t think it will catch on as a fashion accessory,” she’d told him.

“I disagree,” he’d argued.  “I think its captivating.  We should get two more and paint them olive green and gray, to match your military attire.  I’m sure every fashionable woman will want dozens of them.”

Hope had left the house laughing, something she hadn’t done in longer than she wanted to think about.  She had to admit that releasing some of her grief, and her long talk with the guys afterward, had helped her a great deal.  She felt lighter somehow, and more relaxed.

She watched the air transport land, happy at the knowledge that she was about to see Grace.  She’d been gone for only a few days, and she’d known the younger woman for only a few days before that, but Hope had missed Grace a great deal. 

Grace stepped off the transport, towing a large suitcase behind her.  She looked around for a moment, then spotted Hope and waved gaily.

Hope was looking forward to talking with Grace about the Bearens, which felt a little strange to her.  She’d never been one for sharing her thoughts and feelings with others, but for some reason, she felt differently about Grace.  She trusted her, and knew she could tell her anything.  And she really needed a woman to discuss some of these new, unfamiliar feelings with.