Lay It Down: Bastards MC Series Boxed Set (75 page)

His hands wrapped around my wrists, preventing any further exploration, and he leaned his head away from mine. “We can’t, Joes.” His voice was stern but not angry.

There was no arguing with him when he had that tone, so I just nodded. We didn’t have to have sex right now—there’d be plenty of time later—and I technically should wait until I’d been cleared by a medical professional. But he wanted to. I’d felt the evidence; I’d turned Matty on.

The thought brought a smile to my lips. Deep down, so far down I refused to acknowledge it, I’d been worried. The look he’d given me the day the Bastards rescued me was one I would never forget and made me believe I was too damaged for him to ever want again. And there were times I’d felt as though he would never forgive me for putting myself in that situation. I’d never been so happy to be wrong in my life. Matty’s body wanted mine. I grinned like a madwoman and planted a kiss on his lips.

“Sorry, kids. Didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Tank’s deep voice startled us, and Matty quickly moved me back to my side of the loveseat.

Tank laughed—a deep, throaty sound. “Jesus, Mateo, you’re acting like you just got caught jerking off. Chill, man.” He held up his hands as he walked to the chair. “Prez wantsta see ya.”

Matty hesitated a second too long, so I nudged his arm. “Go! I’ll be fine. Tank’ll stay with me.”

Matty’d been spending way too much time with me, and I knew he must be aching to get on his bike.

Tank laughed again. “Ooo, brothah just got dismissed by his lady love.”

Matty’s middle finger shot up in Tank’s direction, but he looked at me. “I’ll be right back.”

I nodded, puckering my lips for a kiss. He gave me a quick peck as he stood, and within seconds, he was gone, nodding to Tank as he went. We sat there, staring at the city until the roar of Matty’s bike faded down the street.

Tank immediately stood, taking the other side of the loveseat. His face was serious now, all humor gone. “How we doin’ today?”

I sighed, leaning the side of my head against his shoulder. I loved my sessions with Tank. He came over almost every day, and we would sit out here, talking. He’d promised me that anything I said to him stayed with him, unless I wanted him to tell Matty. The few minutes I got to spend with him were much more beneficial than any I would spend with a therapist.

“He still won’t touch me.”

A thick arm draped over my shoulders. “Give him time. I can’t tell you what’s goin’ on in that mind of his, but if it was me, I’d be afraid I’d get too rough and hurt you. Or touch you in a way that would bring on a flashback. Think about it, L.K.—if you two are in the middle of gettin’ busy and you have an attack because of the way he touched you, neither of you will be gettin’ over that anytime soon. It’s better to wait.”

“Jessie and Rocker didn’t wait,” I pointed out without thinking.

Tank gave me a look that made me laugh. “Gross! I don’t want to think about my little sister’s sex life,” he teased. Then he cleared his throat, and I knew we were about to get into serious topics. “She had a different experience than you did, babe. I think that might have been the only way she had to drive her bad memories away.”

I shuddered. Jessie had had a much different experience. When the girls first started opening up about what had happened in the warehouse, everyone expected that I’d share too. But I hadn’t felt the need to talk to anyone, so I stayed quiet.

When she’d told Rocker how that fucker had brutalized her, every Bastard took the news hard. Bear had hired a top-notch counselor to go to the clubhouse and help Taylor work through her memories. When they learned that she’d suffered the same way Jessie had, the Bastards started looking at me with pity and tiptoeing around me even more.

I couldn’t take the way Matty was always staring at me with his sad puppy-dog eyes, so I finally broke down and clarified some things. I didn’t tell him what had happened. As strong as he was, there were just some things I knew he couldn’t handle, and my treatment fell into the “lose his shit” category. Instead, I put all their minds at ease and made it very clear that I had escaped the ordeal without losing that part of myself.

Tank knew what had happened though. He’d told me that I needed to tell someone. He didn’t care who it was as long as I told someone, because if I didn’t, it would eat away at me until I snapped. One day, not long after I’d been back in Boston, he’d come to visit after a particularly rough anxiety attack, and I let it all out.

He’d sat next to me on the loveseat, just as we were now, and listened as I told him they’d held me down and hurt me for no apparent reason other than they were sadistic fucks. They didn’t ask me any questions about the Bastards or Matty, or demand to know any secrets. No, instead they taunted me, saying horrible things, and did their best to make me scream. I’d bitten my lip and cried until I had no more tears, but I never gave those pricks the satisfaction of a scream.

After I was finished, he hadn’t told me he was sorry it happened. He didn’t stand up and rush off so that I wouldn’t see his tears. He didn’t get angry that they’d hurt me or say that I’d brought it on myself.

No, he’d lifted my chin and given me a giant smile. “You are fuckin’ tough as nails, you know that, yeah? I’m so fuckin’ proud of you, kid!”

Then he’d pulled me against him, and we sat there in silence until Matty came out. I never asked if he’d given me those compliments because of what I went through or because I’d finally let someone in. It felt as though he meant them for both.

Every day after that, he came back. Some days we processed my memories, some I listened while he reminisced about Pixie, others we worried about Jessie together or talked about the latest club gossip. He’d fill me in on the legal ramifications the club was facing or tell me stories that would make me laugh until I cried about what a terror Taylor was in the clubhouse. We literally could talk about nothing and I would come away with a smile. Tank was so much more than the man who had fondled me all those weeks ago; he was the friend who was helping me find myself again.

“So,” he asked, pulling the conversation to happier topics, “how’s wedding planning going?”

“Ugh!” I rolled my eyes. “Matty wants a massive gathering. Apparently the Bastards negotiate with terrorists, because he’d giving into her every demand.”

Tank chuckled. “Your mom?”

I shook my head. I doubted my mom would even come down for the ceremony. “No, worse than her. Lily.”

That made him laugh until he coughed. “Yeah, Dean says she’s a little firecracker like her mom,” he managed to get out.

I shook my head. “Oh, no. This goes beyond me. I wanted it to be just us, the kids, and a couple of friends. But Miss Lily-Belle and Cris decided that it would be mean to leave out anyone. The two of them are bad enough, but once Jessie jumped ship and joined the enemy, I was screwed!” I may not have wanted a large wedding, but it seemed to be just the distraction most of my friends needed.

“Now I’m stuck with three bridesmaids, two junior bridesmaids, a maid of honor, and a flower princess, because flower girl sounds too babyish.”

He chuckled again. “Mateo asked me to be a groomsman.” He sounded surprised, and I looked at him, questioning his tone. “We’ve known each other forever, but we haven’t been close in a while.” He shrugged. “Didn’t expect the honor.”

I smiled, cuddling into his shoulder. “He loves you, and he knows that you are one of the reasons I’m smiling again. Did you say yes?”

His shoulder nudged me forward. “Fuckin’ right I did. Mateo Murphy is marrying the woman of his dreams and throwing a big-assed bash afterward. I wouldn’t miss that for the world. Plus, I wanna see him cry like a baby when he sees how gorgeous you are walkin’ down the aisle. Great blackmailin’ opportunity.”

We talked more about wedding stuff until Matty came back. I’d hoped Tank would stay for dinner since Rocker was never home anymore, but he turned me down. He stayed with Jessie at night, and he was in a hurry to get back. I didn’t blame him.

“You seem awfully chipper tonight.”

I glanced up from my plate, trying to fight the smile. “Chipper?”

Matty nodded. “Yes, chipper. Like cheerful, happy for no reason.” He smiled. “It’s nice to see.”

I set my fork down and sent him a cool look. “Aren’t you just a little curious why I’m so happy? I mean, you have been gone all afternoon and when you come back, your girlfriend is all happy and you’re not the least bit curious?”

His mouth quirked, fighting a smile. “Now that you mention it, my interest has been piqued.”

“Hmmm.” I picked up the fork and stabbed at a cucumber. “Let’s go for a run.”

“You think you’re up for it?”

I nodded vigorously.

He turned his head, watching me closely. “We haven’t gone running together in almost a year. I’m not sure you can keep up.”

I laughed at his challenge. “Listen, old man, I’ll keep up just fine.”

We left the dishes on the table and dinner on the stove and changed into running gear.

Ten minutes in, I was gasping for breath and my ribs ached, but I felt better than I had in weeks. Matty refused to let me push through the pain, turning us around instead, and we walked with my hand in his.

“So are you going to tell me?”

I didn’t need clarification. He wanted to know why I was happy. “Because I have you. Because I’m yours.”

He stopped walking, pulling me back when I tried to keep going. “You’ve always had me. And you’ve always been mine.”

I nodded, standing up on my tiptoes to kiss him quickly. “Yeah, but now I’m ready to make it official. Let’s set a date and start planning.”

“Yeah?” His arms circled around me, pulling me in and holding me tight. “I fucking love you, Joes.”

I pushed away, smiling mischievously. “Good. Then you’ll let me win.” I took off running.

“Not a chance!” he countered, keeping my pace. “Hey, I have ‘Float On’ on my iPod if we want running music.” He laughed. “I say winner tonight picks tomorrow’s playlist.”

I growled at him and swore, damning his horrid taste in music. As we laughed and raced back to our apartment, I forgot all about the bullshit of the last few weeks. I forgot everything except how much I’d missed those moments with him—the ones where we could be carefree and ourselves. This was who we were, and it was time we get back to us.

Chapter 39

Matty

Another nightmare pulled me from sleep. They were so vivid, it always took me a few minutes to remember they weren’t real. I kicked at the covers in a panic, sitting up and sliding back until I was leaning against the smooth wood of the headboard. My heart was pounding and my naked chest covered in sweat.

I ran my hands through my hair and absently scratched at my scalp, trying to force the images away. Once the haze started to clear, I moved one hand to the miracle sleeping next to me and placed it softly on her back, just to make sure she was real and that she was really here with me. Her steady breathing moved my arm up and down, and I knew for a minute I could rest easy.

Jo was here. Jo was safe. Jo was mine.

The dreams—terrors, really—had started the night she’d been discharged from the hospital. We spent the night with the kids in the home she’d once shared with Billy, and I initially thought the dreams were caused by the noises of a strange house. The second night there, I had another, but I blamed that one on Billy.

I hated sharing a house with him. I might not hate him anymore, because the jackass had gotten shot while helping save the woman I love. He’d volunteered to drive a vehicle full of Bastards, all packing serious heat, up to the camp, and he did risk his life by walking into that same camp to try to get Jo out. For that, I would spend the rest of my life being civil. But I didn’t want to be around him for more than five minutes.

That was almost two months ago though, and every night, without fail, I’d woken up terrified. Every single one was the same. I’d hear Jo screaming for me, begging me to help her, but all I could do was watch them hurt her. I never got to her, and I stood helplessly as they sucked the life from the woman I loved. It was enough to bring any man to his knees and beg for mercy. Rob had them too, but he thought that once my mind could comprehend that she was really safe, they’d go away.

I wished now that we’d drawn out that fucker’s death, made him pay the way our girls had. But when I’d seen my injured fiancée in Tank’s arms, covered in welts and blisters and bleeding from more than one spot, I lost it. I stayed patient as my brother carried her out of the house, waited just long enough for him to answer Rob’s questions, then I’d pulled my gun and shot the miserable son of a bitch right between the eyes. And again in his chest for good measure. When I emptied the rest of my magazine into his body, it was purely out of hatred.

The sleaze had had Ellie and Bear attacked, taken and murdered Tink, and hurt our girls all as some fucked up plan to avenge his narcissistic demonic brother. A brother who hadn’t even died at our hands. And that was a fucking pity.