Lean On Me (Take My Hand) (11 page)

Yeah,
I still looked like shit.

I
still felt like it too when I heard the knock on my door.

“Bloody
hell,” Jess said, wrinkling her face up. “You look like crap.”
Who you telling?

“Headache,”
I mumbled, closing the door behind her.

“Self
inflicted?”

“Sure,”
I agreed. It was just easier to let her think I’d been drinking – less
questions.

“Well
then you don’t deserve my sympathy.” Didn’t want it anyway. “So you and Dad
fell out again?”

“So
that’s why you’re here. To lecture me.”

“Nah.
I’m kinda past caring about your stupid arguments. No, I came because I’ve not
seen my big brother in too long. Seems like you’ve missed me too, huh?”

“Sorry,
Jess. Just feel like shit. You know I’m always happy to see my brat of a sis.
So, how’s the training going?” Jessica is training to be a police officer and
has recently finished the first stage of the process.

“I
just started coached patrol last week. It’s kind of scary being out there on
the street sometimes. Honestly there are some
serious
nutcases out there. But it’s exciting too. Plus, I look
pretty hot in this get up don’t you think?” she asked, waving her hand over her
uniform.

“You
know I’m not even going to answer that. So, what else you been up to?”

“Ah,
this and that,” she answered despondently. In that moment I knew there was
another reason for Jessica’s visit. She just wanted me to coax it out of her.

“Come
on… talk to uncle Jared,” I encouraged, joining her on the sofa.

“I
don’t think I can. I mean… I don’t know… I just…”

“Whoa,
Jess. What the hell is it?” I took hold of her hand and I could feel her
erratic pulse pounding in the tips of her fingers. Things had just gotten very
fucking serious very fucking fast. “You can tell me anything. You know that.”

“I…
I’m…” I sighed heavily. I knew what was coming. Call it sibling intuition or
something.

“You’re
pregnant aren’t you?” Tears bubbled in her light-blue eyes and she bowed her
head, letting her jaw-length blonde hair fall over her face.

“Dad’s
going to kill me.”

“Who’s
the father?” I asked, ignoring her fears about our dad. I can see another
face-off happening between us in the not too distant future.

“There
isn’t one.”

“Unless
you’re about to tell me an angel visited you in the fucking night, then you
know that’s not possible, Jessica.”

“Don’t
call me Jessica. You only call me that when you’re mad at me.”

I’m not mad. I’m fucking
livid.

“I’m
not mad,” I lied through a huff. “So come on… who is he?”

“Well
he’s-I mean he-I… I don’t exactly know.”

“What
the fuck do you mean you don’t know?” I barked, letting go of her hand and
bolting upright. Then she started sobbing, and I felt like a dick. “I’m sorry,
Jess. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“It
was one night. I was drunk and I either didn’t get or I don’t remember his
name. I’m not proud of it, Jared. If anything I’m utterly ashamed of myself.”

“Didn’t
you use anything?” I asked – a little judgementally on reflection.

“I
don’t know,” she answered – her tone timid and embarrassed. “You don’t
need to tell me what a slut I’ve been. Believe me I already know.”

“I
don’t think that, Jess,” I assured her, my voice softening. “You’re my baby
sister. I’m here for you. You know that right?” She smiled weakly but didn’t
reply. “Have you, um… thought about what you’re going to do?” I asked
carefully.

“You
mean if I’m going to keep it?” I nodded. “Yes. I am. I
have
to. I’ve thought about the alternative but… it’s just not
something I could do. The baby didn’t ask to be put here. It deserves a chance
don’t you think?”

In
all honesty I didn’t know what the hell to think in that moment.

“It
doesn’t matter what I think. I’ll support you whatever you decide.”

“
Really?
”

“Of
course! How could you possibly think anything else?”

“I’m
really scared, Jared. I’m only a year into my training. What if I have to give
that up? And Dad… I know he’s got these hopes that I’ll work my way to the top.
He wants me to be a detective one day – he’s told me God knows how many
times. He’s going to be so disappointed in me.”

“First
of all, fuck Dad and his pretentious and arrogant ideas. Second, people in the
force have kids you know. You can still become whatever you want. You’ll just
need to work a bit harder that’s all. But it can be done. You’re going to have
a baby, Jess – not a multiple limb amputation.”

“Shit,”
Jess breathed as the colour drained from her face.

“What?”

“I
am aren’t I? I’m going to have… a
baby
.”

“I’m
no expert but yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s how it ends.”

“I
don’t have the first clue how to be a mum. What if I do a really crappy job and
it ends up hating me?”

“No
one knows how to do anything the first time. You’ll learn. You’ll have to.
Besides, that kid is gonna have the best life ever with such an amazing uncle.”
Shit. I’m going to be an uncle! “You can do this, Jess. I’m with you every step
of the way.”

“What
about the step that involves me telling Mum and Dad?”

“If
you want me there. I’ll be there.”

“I
do
want you there. I was thinking of
going this weekend. I have to work Saturday, so are you free on Sunday?”

“I’ll
make myself free.”

Jessica
stayed for another half an hour or so. She cried a little more, stressed a
little more, and then eventually calmed down again. At times I just wanted to
yell at her for being so stupid but I knew that wouldn’t help anyone. I’m just
worried for her more than anything. I mean… a
baby
. A bloody
baby!
All
they do is cry, shit and cost a crap load of money right? At least money won’t
be an issue. Once they’ve got over the shock our parents will see her right.

When
she decided to leave, I didn’t really want her to be alone and so offered my bed
to her saying I’d sleep on the sofa. But she said she wanted to be on her own
to think things through. Though I’m pretty sure she just wanted to be alone so
nobody would hear her cry herself to sleep.

“I
feel like I’ve let everyone down,” she said, her swollen eyes threatening to
spill tears once again as we said our goodbyes outside the main doors to my
building.

“Now
you listen to me,” I ordered, planting my hands on either side of her face.
“I’m your big brother and I love you. You could never let me down even if you
tried and anyone who loves you will feel the same. You hear me? Millions of
women have babies every single day. Some planned, some not. That’s life. You
are going to make a wonderful mum, Jess and once that little lad is here he
will be adored by everyone I can assure you.”

“It
could be a girl,” she argued with the first smile I’d seen since she arrived at
my apartment.

“Nah.
He’s going to take after his uncle Jared. I can feel it.”

“Jesus
Christ maybe this really
is
a
mistake,” she teased. I took my hands from her face and punched her shoulder
like I used to do when we were kids. “Thank you, Jared. You’re actually a
pretty great big brother.”

“Damn
right I am,” I agreed confidently. “The best.”

“I’ll
call you before Sunday to arrange a time. Maybe we can discuss when I’ll get to
meet this new girlfriend of yours too?”

Fuck.
Rachel. I was
supposed to be meeting her. How the fuck did I forget that? She was going to be
so pissed off with me…

“Sure.
Take care, Jess. I’m on the other end of the phone if you need me.”

After
another quick hug I took the lift up to my floor. My legs were still a little
weak from the seizure this afternoon. Ugh –
seizure
. It’s such a horrible word. It makes me feel so… helpless.
I have no control over it and I fucking hate that. When I reached my apartment
I went straight to my phone where I noticed several texts and a few missed
calls from Rachel.

I
felt like shit. My muscles ached and my head hurt. My mind was crammed with
questions and worries about the return of my seizures and Jess’ revelation… and
so like an utter dickhead, I took the cowards way out and sent her a text.

Me:
So sorry saffy. Just woke up. Felt like shit all day. Think I’m coming down
with something. C U tomorrow?

Rachel
never replied. Just as I suspected, I was in the doghouse.

Rachel

I
had a spare couple of hours this
morning so I decided to go and play nurse for Jared, even though I was pissed
off with him for forgetting about me after the texts he’d sent earlier in the
day that had me going out of my mind with curiosity. When I was ready to leave
I gathered up my little bundle of envelopes containing application forms for
jobs I’d seen in the newspaper, popped them in my handbag to post along the way
and made my way to the door.

“JESUS!”
I screamed, clutching my heart when I saw a body standing outside my door. “You
almost gave me a bloody heart attack!”

“Sorry,”
Holly muttered. “I’ve literally just got here. I was just about to knock. I
think I left my textbook on Benin Art here when I did your hair.”

“Oh
you did! I keep meaning to text you and then… well then I kinda forgot. It’s in
my room on the floor under a pile of washing.”

“Wow.
You’re the organised type, huh?” Holly disappeared into my room and came back
seconds later waving the forgotten textbook in the air. “Seriously how do you
find anything in there?”

“Sorry,
Mum. I’ll clean it tomorrow.”

“You
want a lift anywhere? I’m heading into town before my next class so I can drop
you off wherever you were going?”

“That’d
be great – if you’re sure?”

“Course
I am. Where are you going?”

“I
need to stop at the postbox around the corner and then just to Jared’s. He
lives in-”

“Oh,”
she muttered, interrupting me and sounding… I don’t know, guilty? Awkward? “He
lives in Kings Cross… a couple of streets away from the station?”

“Umm,
yeah. How did you know that?”

“I
think I… well I know I… I mean I could be wr-”

“Just
spit it out, Holly,” I snapped impatiently.

“I
saw Jared last night. Outside these fancy flats. With a… with a girl.”

“That
could’ve been anyone,” I countered. So why didn’t I believe it?

“It
didn’t look like anyone,” she muttered guiltily. “They were really…
close.
He was cupping her face with his
hands. I’m sorry, Rach. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

A bit late for that now…

“No.
You should.” But I wished she hadn’t. “So the fucker’s had his fun and now he’s
moved on. Good for him,” I said resolutely, my voice so smooth and even, I
think I may have even sounded convincing.

“You
don’t mean that. You really liked him. I could tell.”

“Yeah
I did. But nothing lasts forever, right?” I’ve always believed that… lived by
it even. If you know from the start something is temporary, then you won’t lose
your shit when it ends. But that’s the thing… for the
first
time I’d started thinking this thing with Jared just
might…

DAMN
HIM!

“You’d
best get going. Looks like I don’t need a ride after all.”

“Are
you okay?” she asked cautiously.

“Sure
I am. I’m not gonna lose sleep over a guy I’ve only known a few months, Hol.
I’m fine.”

“You
know I could be wrong. I mean it was dark… and I was across the street.”

“You’re
not
wrong. That’s what guys do.”
That’s what they
always
do, and I
feel like such a giant fucking idiot for thinking for one second that Jared
might be different. “Fuck him. I’m over it.”

“I’ll
call you later?” Holly said like a question, her face drawn down as pure pity
poured out of her eyes.

“Sure.
Maybe we can arrange to go out and find his replacement, eh?” I winked, biting
down on my bottom lip when I became conscious of the fact it was quivering
slightly.

“Maybe,”
she replied with a placating smile. “I really am sorry, Rach.”

I don’t want your pity. I don’t want
anyone’s
fucking pity.

“Talk
to you later,” I said curtly, dismissing any further conversation. She nodded
sympathetically,
again
, and then
thankfully left me the fuck alone.

I
didn’t move for almost two hours. After throwing my pile of envelopes onto the
floor and watching them scatter in a thousand different directions I just… sat.
I stared at the old wooden clock above the couch for a while. Then I looked at
the black screen of the TV while contemplating texting Jared. Then after
deciding I wasn’t brave enough to have it confirmed just yet, I stared at the
coffee table and circled the coffee ring around and around with my eyes.

A
month. That’s how long we’ve been together – as in
together
together. Longer actually – one month and three days
if we’re being specific. It took me a good three and half weeks of that month
to get to a point where I started really believing I might be able to do this
‘relationship’ shit. Ugh, I was getting so frustrated with myself, and my
inability to switch my mind off. But as another hour passed I began to soften.

What
if I was completely overreacting? Jared has proved himself to be different from
your average man-slag from the start. He’s never been anything but sweet,
gentle and understanding. Jesus, just yesterday before he started sending those
dodgy texts I was almost ready to admit that I love him! He couldn’t fake the
way he looked at me. Could he? Or the sincerity in his voice whenever his face
was inches from mine. Is sincerity fakeable? Is fakeable even a fucking word?

Or
maybe I’m the real problem here. All this fuss I’m making without even having
the balls to talk to him about it… Maybe I’m just not ready. Maybe I’ll never
be ready to put so much faith in another person. Fuck, even Emily’s let me down
lately – the one person I’ve automatically trusted for as long as I can
remember.

I’m
really starting to think being alone is just easier. Or am I just being a
whining bitch? Go on, you can tell me the truth.

Yeah…
thought so.

“Fuck
it,” I said out loud to the empty room. Time to grow some balls…

Me:
Feeling better?

Jared:
Lots. Really sorry saffy. I’ll show u just how sorry when I come round in an
hour ;-)

Me: Glad u
survived with no one to take care of u. Were u lonely?

I felt my
heart beating through my arse while I waited for his reply. This was it. This
was the moment he was either going to lie to me or offer me a perfectly
reasonable explanation.

Jared: Nah. I
slept straight thru. Would’ve made shit company anyway :-)

And there it
was. The lying, deceitful, conniving, two-faced, motherfucking, cunting,
twatting, bastarding, arseholing…
convincing
wanker with a cherry on top.

And
sprinkles.

And whipped
fucking cream.

Jared:
McDonald’s breakfast?

Jared: Earth
to saffy?

Jared: U
planning to reply today?

Jared: I’ll
just get it anyway. Might even remember your maple syrup this time ;-)

By that point
I’d stopped picking up my phone to read what had come through. Choosing instead
to leave it vibrating alone on the coffee table. When they stopped coming
through the silence was… agonising. I tried to surmise how I was feeling but I
genuinely had no idea. I’d never felt
anything
like this before. Was I hurt? Disappointed? Upset?
Heartbroken?

No.

No fucking
way was I heartbroken. I never have and never will let a man have that kind of
power over me.

I was
grateful for the interruption when I heard a knock at the door –though
I’d been so wrapped up in my own world I almost shit my pants at the sound. Shaking
my hair out and putting my game face on, I wheeled over to the door and
stretched up to undo the latch.

“Good
morning, Miss Mason,” the now familiar courier driver greeted with a wink as he
handed me the small box. I gave him a tight,
forced
smile in return and made a point of signing for it quickly
and closing the door on him.

I stared at
the little white box in my hands for a few long seconds, knowing there was no
point opening it yet feeling an intense urge to see the thirty-four petals
inside and torture myself a little more. So, sliding my fingernail along the
edge to break the seal, I slowly pulled open the cardboard lid.

My phone
dinged on the table at the exact moment my eyes landed on the pink petals. The
sound was like a knife jabbing into my brain so I gave in and picked it up.
Without even reading what he had to say, I typed a reply.

Me: I don’t
want McDonalds. What I want is for u to stay the fuck away from me. Don’t
reply, don’t call, and only come over if u want ur bollocks feedin to the dog
next door

Simple enough
request, right? I think I made my point fairly clear, wouldn’t you agree? So
why the fuck did my phone start ringing, tormenting me with a picture of
Jared’s goofy grin about three seconds after I hit send. After three
unsuccessful attempts to get me to answer, the texts started.

Jared: R u
fucking with me or genuinely pissed off????

Jared: Rach?
U okay?

Jared: I’m
getting worried now. Coming straight over

Fuck.

Me: I’m
serious. We’re thru Jared. Please don’t come. I really don’t want to see u or
talk to u. Y don’t u give last night’s whore a bell if ur lonely?

After
pressing send I switched my mobile off and placed it on the table. When I
pulled my fingers away I noticed they were trembling slightly and I
hated
the fact I’d let him, let
anyone
get under my skin like he had. As
I felt my blood begin to simmer in my veins, cooking me from the inside out, I
felt so fucking angry with myself. So, in a moment of rage and madness, I
grabbed a fistful of petals from the box on my knee and squeezed them as hard
as my shaking hands would allow before throwing them angrily into the air.

Then, the
delicate petals – torn and bruised from my merciless assault –
started raining back down in front of me.

And so did my
tears.