Left Neglected (15 page)

Bob is driving us home. Home! Even riding in my mother’s two-door Volkswagen Bug, which I’ve never been in before, feels like home. I’m in a car again! There’s the Museum of Science! I’m on Route 93! I’m on the Mass Pike! There’s the Charles River! I greet the passing of each familiar landmark like I’ve just bumped into a dear old friend, and I feel that escalating excitement I get whenever I’m driving home from Logan after a long business trip. But today, multiply that excitement by ten. I’m almost there. I’m almost
home
!

Everything feels heightened. Even the afternoon light of the outdoor world feels exceptionally bright and gorgeous to my eyes, and I see now why photographers prefer natural light. Everything looks more vibrant, more three-dimensional, more alive than anything I’ve seen for a month under the flat, fluorescent indoor lighting of Baldwin. And it’s not just the bold beauty of the outside light that I’m taken with. The sunlight shining through the windshield feels deliciously warm on my face. Mmm. Fluorescent lighting doesn’t do that. There’s no comparison.

And the air at Baldwin was always stale and stagnant. I want to feel real air again, its fresh crispness (even if somewhat polluted with exhaust) and the movement of it. I “roll” the window down a crack. The chilly air whistles into the car through the slit and dances through my short hair. I draw it in through my nose, fill my lungs, and sigh pure bliss.

“Hey, it’s cold,” says Bob, zipping my window back up with the driver’s master control switch.

I stare out my closed window, but within seconds I can’t resist the urge to feel a wild breeze again. I press the button, but my window doesn’t budge. I press and press and press.

“Hey, my window’s stuck,” I say, whining and blaming, realizing that Bob must’ve clicked the lock button, deciding for everyone in the car that the windows will remain up. Now I know how the kids feel when I do it to them.

“Listen, before we get home, I want to talk about your mother,” says Bob, ignoring my complaint. “She’s going to stay with us for a while longer.”

“I know, she told me,” I say.

“Oh. Good,” he says.

“Nooo, not good. I do not want her to stay. We don’t need her. I’ll be fine,” I say.

He doesn’t say anything. Maybe he’s mulling this over. Or maybe he’s glad to finally have my very strong opinion on the matter (which he should’ve asked for long before now), and he agrees with me 100 percent. Maybe he’s smiling and nodding. But I have no idea what he’s doing or thinking. I’m too mesmerized by the scenery outside my window to redirect my attention to my left, so I don’t know what his silence means. He’s in the driver’s seat. He’s a voice in the car when he talks, and he’s an invisible chauffeur when he’s silent.

“Sarah, you can’t be home alone yet. It’s not safe.”

“I’m fine. I can handle it.”

“What do we need—some sort of twelve-step program for you? You’re not ready to be home alone yet. All the doctors and therapists said so.”

“Then we can hire someone.”

“We really can’t. You’ve used up all your sick and vacation time, and your disability insurance isn’t even half what you were making before. I’m hanging on to my job by my fingernails. Hiring someone is expensive, and your mother’s here, and she’s free.”

Well, my mother may not charge an hourly wage, but I guarantee if she stays, I’ll pay a high price for it. There’s got to be another solution. I do understand how terrifying our financial situation is becoming. I make more money than Bob does, and now my income is slashed, and I can’t pinpoint with any accuracy when exactly in the future I might get it all back. The possibility that I might never get it all back waltzes across the floor of my worried thoughts at least once a day now, flaunting showstopping leaps and pirouettes, taking center stage for too long before exiting into the wings. I need to get my salary back. This has to happen. Even if Bob manages to cling to his job, and the economy manages to turn around, we won’t be able to afford our life without my full contribution.

I have to confess that I’ve been praying for Bob to lose his job. Even more specifically, I’ve been praying for him to lose his job
and
for him to not find another one for four months. I know this is playing with fire, and it doesn’t sound like the kind of prayer that God would pay any attention to anyway, but I find myself getting desperately lost in this wish many times a day. If Bob gets laid off now, he’ll get four months’ severance pay, and if he doesn’t have another job lined up straightaway, he can stay home with me. And if he’s home with me, we won’t need my mother’s help, and then she can hop in her Volkswagen Bug and drive back to the Cape. And at the end of four months, when Bob starts his new, stable, even-better-paying job, I’ll not only be ready to stay home alone, I’ll also be ready to go back to Berkley. But so far, none of this is happening. If God is listening, He has a different plan.

“What about Abby? Maybe Abby can be around a little more,” I say.

Silence again. I stare out the window. The thick snow on the trees and fields is glowing in the late-day sun. I didn’t notice any snow back in the city, but now that we’ve ventured west into the suburbs, there are trees and golf courses and open spaces where snow can settle peacefully without being pushed aside or removed.

“Abby’s leaving us right after Christmas for a teaching internship in New York.”

“What?”

“I know. It’s awful timing.”

“It’s the worst timing imaginable!”

“I know, and she was all torn up about the decision, but I told her to go. I told her that you’d want her to go.”

“Why would you tell her a crazy thing like that?”

“Sarah—”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“I knew it would stress you out.”

“Crap!” I say, completely stressed out.

“Right. So with no Abby and no time to find a replacement and your mother always hinting around that she’s in no rush to leave, I asked her to stay. We need her, Sarah.”

I continue to look out the window, the landscape whizzing by, as we fast approach home. Almost home. Almost home with my mother and soon no Abby. The sun is now directly at eye level in the western sky, hanging just below where the visor would block it out, blinding me. Its rays through the wind-shield, which felt gloriously warm on my face at the beginning of the ride, are now uncomfortably hot, and I feel like an ant under a magnifying glass about to be incinerated.

“Can I please have control over my own window?”

I press the button and hold it there, “rolling” my window all the way down. Cold air whips into the car. It feels great for a few seconds, but then it’s way too cold and way too windy, but I leave the window where it is, determined to have my way about something.

Bob turns onto our exit, and then we turn right onto Main Street in Welmont. The center of town is all dolled up for Christmas. Wreaths are hung on the streetlamps, garland and white lights line the windows of the storefronts, and, although not lit up at this hour, the magnificent two-hundred-year-old spruce tree in front of the town hall is strung to the top with colored lights. The sun is low now, no longer blinding. It’ll be dark any minute, and Main Street will be aglow with postcard-perfect holiday cheer. Nearing the shortest day of the year, it changes from day to night in the blink of an eye, reminding me of how everything can change in an unnoticed moment.

Bob turns onto Sycamore Street. We drive up the hill, around the bend, and onto Pilgrim Lane. He pulls into our driveway, and there it is.

Home.

I remember coming home after Charlie was born, stepping through the front door into the mudroom, looking into the kitchen and the living room beyond that and thinking that everything had changed. Of course, I was seeing the same kitchen table and chairs, the same brown couch and matching love seat, the same Yankee candle centered on the same coffee table, our shoes on the floor, our pictures on the walls, the stack of newspapers by the fireplace, all exactly as we had left them two days before. Even the bananas in the bowl on the kitchen counter were still yellow. The only thing that had really changed was me. I’d left the house forty-eight hours ago an enormous pregnant woman and returned (only slightly less enormous) a mother. Yet somehow, the home I’d lived in for almost a year felt strange, like we were acquaintances being formally introduced for the first time.

I have that same feeling today. Only this time, it’s not just me who’s changed. As I inch my way through the mudroom, granny cane in my right hand, Bob guiding me on the left, an overwhelming but nonspecific sense that something is different washes over me. Then, one by one, each something reveals itself.

The first change that registers is orange. Streaks of bright orange are splattered all over the kitchen. The walls, the doorframes, the table, the cabinets, the floors are all covered with bright orange graffiti, like the ghost of Jackson Pollock paid us an inspired visit. Or, more likely, someone gave Charlie a tub of orange paint and ignored him for the afternoon. But before I scream for someone to fetch paper towels and a bottle of Clorox, it dawns on me. The streaks aren’t paint, and they’re not haphazard. Bright orange tape lines the left side of the doorframe. It runs the left edge of the cabinets, the left side of the refrigerator. It covers the doorknob on the door leading to the backyard. And who knows how many more orange strips of tape are stuck to surfaces I’m not even noticing? Probably many, many more.

Then I notice the handrail drilled into the stairwell wall, which is stainless steel like the grab bars at Baldwin and not at all like the handsome oak banister on its other side. I guess that was necessary. The handsome oak banister is on the right when going up the stairs, but then it’s on the left, and therefore not really there at all, when going down. There’s also a new, more industrial-grade baby gate installed at the bottom of the stairs and another one at the top, which I first assume are for our now toddling Linus, but then I think they might also be for me. We’re not allowed up or down without adult supervision. My house has been baby-proofed and Sarah-proofed.

My granny cane and right foot take their first steps into the living room and land on a floor that feels completely foreign.

“Where are the rugs?” I ask.

“In the attic,” says Bob.

“Oh yeah,” I say, remembering Heidi telling us that we’d need to get rid of them.

Three handmade, expensive Oriental carpets. Tripping hazards. Rolled up and gone. At least the hardwood floors are in good shape. In fact, they’re gleaming, pristine. I scan the length of the room. Unless they’re all clustered somewhere to my left, there are no Matchbox cars, tiaras, puzzle pieces, balls, Legos, crayons, Cheerios, Goldfish crackers, sippy cups, and nukies strewn all over the floor.

“Do the kids still live here?” I ask.

“Huh?”

“Where’s all their stuff?”

“Oh, your mother keeps the place really neat. All their things are in their rooms or down in the playroom. We can’t have you tripping over toys.”

“Oh.”

“Let’s sit you down on the couch.”

Bob replaces my granny cane with his forearm, tucks his other hand under my armpit, and performs what the therapists at Baldwin would call a moderate upper-body assist. I sink deep into the plush cushion and exhale. It took us probably fifteen minutes to walk from the driveway to the living room, and I’m wiped out. I try not to think of how easily, how unconsciously, I used to whip into the house and how much I used to get done in the span of fifteen minutes. I’d normally already have booted up my laptop, I’d have listened to the phone messages on the machine, gone through the mail, I’d have the TV on, coffee brewing, and at least one of the kids at my feet or on my hip.

“Where is everyone?” I ask.

“Abby’s picking up Charlie from basketball, and Linus and Lucy should be here somewhere with your mother. I asked your mother to keep them out of the living room until I got you settled. Let me go find them.”

Now that I’m facing the way I came in, the other side of the living room and the sunroom beyond that, which were hiding in the shadows of my Neglect during the journey in, show themselves. Our Christmas tree is up and decorated, colored lights strung and aglow, angel spinning on the top. It’s a big tree this year, even bigger than our usual big, well over ten feet. Our living room ceiling is vaulted and at least twenty feet high, and we always buy the biggest tree on the lot. But every year, just before we do, I always hesitate.
Do you think it’s a little too big?
And Bob always says,
Bigger is better, babe.

I’m more than a little unnerved by the fact that I didn’t notice the tree as I entered the living room. It’s one thing to ignore a piece of chicken on the left side of my plate or words printed on the left side of a page, but I just missed a ten-foot-tall evergreen covered in blinking colored lights and shiny ornaments. Even the fresh pine smell, which I love and did notice, didn’t tip me off. Whenever I think my deficit might actually be subtle and not that big of a deal, I experience something like this, indisputable evidence to the contrary. The extent of my Neglect is always bigger than I think.
Sorry, Bob, sometimes bigger isn’t better.

The French doors to the sunroom are closed, which is unusual if no one is in there. Bob or I will go in and close the doors if we take a work call and need to muffle out the madness of the rest of the house, but otherwise, we keep them open. I love spending time alone in there on Sunday mornings in my pajamas, drinking coffee out of my deepest Harvard mug, reading the
New York Times
in my favorite chair, soaking in the warmth of the coffee through the palms of my hands and the warmth of the sun on my face. In my fantasy life, I spend an entire Sunday morning in this sanctuary undisturbed until I finish both my coffee and the paper, and then, in my ultimate dream world, I close my eyes and take a luxurious catnap.

This never happens. I probably get only about fifteen minutes at a time before Linus cries or Lucy screams or Charlie asks a question, before someone needs something to eat or something to do, before my cell phone vibrates or my laptop announces an incoming email, before I hear something break or something spill or the most attention-grabbing of all—the eerie sound of everything gone suddenly too quiet. But still, even fifteen minutes can be bliss.

It occurs to me that I should now be able to fulfill this fantasy quite easily. Monday through Friday, the kids will be at school and day care, and I won’t be at work. I’ll have six whole hours each day of uninterrupted time. And it just might take me six hours a day for five days to read every word of the entire Sunday paper, but I don’t care. I’m excited about the challenge. Today’s Thursday. I’ll try my first day in my sunroom retreat tomorrow.

I peek through the windowpanes of the French doors from where I sit on the couch and notice that the sunroom appears to have been redecorated. My favorite reading chair has been turned and pushed up against the wall, and I don’t see the coffee table at all. I see some sort of green-leaved potted floor plant that looks like it requires watering, in which case, if I’m at all responsible for this, it will be dead within the week. I wonder where that came from. And is that a dresser?

“Mommy!” yells Lucy, running to the top of the stairs.

“Slow down,” says my mother, walking behind her and holding Linus.

My breath catches for a second, and I swear my heart stalls. Hearing my mother mother Lucy, watching my baby boy at home on her hip, seeing my mother here, living in my house. Living in my life. I don’t think I can handle this.

Lucy works both gates open, barely breaking stride, bounds through the living room, and dives onto my lap.

“Easy, Goose,” says Bob.

“She’s okay,” I say.

She’s barefoot and smiling and giddy in her eyes as she bounces up and down on my lap. She’s more than okay.

“Mommy, you’re
home
!” she says.

“I am! is this new?” I ask, referring to the Disney princess dress she’s wearing.

“Yeah, Grandma got it for me. I’m Belle. Aren’t I beautiful?”

“The most.”

“Linus is the Beast.”

“Oh, Linus is too cute to be the beast. I think he’s the handsome Prince,” I say.

“No, he’s the Beast.”

“Welcome home,” says my mother.

My inner teenager rears its hot head and begs me in her awkward and whiny voice to pretend that I didn’t hear her.

“Thanks,” I say in a barely audible tone, my inner adult compromise.

“What do you think of the tree?” asks Bob, beaming.

“It’s huge, I love it. I’m surprised you didn’t put it in the sunroom this year to keep Linus away from it,” I say, imagining that they’ve been constantly defending the irresistible glass and ceramic ornaments.

“There isn’t any room in there with the bed,” says Bob.

“What bed?”

“The futon bed. That’s where your mother is sleeping.”

“Oh.”

I guess that makes sense. She needs to sleep somewhere, and we don’t have an extra bedroom (if we had that extra bedroom, then we’d have a live-in nanny, and then my mother wouldn’t need to be here). For some reason, though, I’d been picturing her on the pull-out couch in the basement, probably because with the door to the basement shut, I could pretend that she’s not here. Even with the sunroom doors closed, I’ll still be able to see her through the windowpanes. She’s here. Maybe we could buy some shades.

But where am I going to read the paper and drink my coffee and take my restorative nap now? What about my retreat? My inner teenager is outraged.
She stole your sacred space!
I seriously don’t know if I can handle this.

“Mommy, watch me dance!” says Lucy.

She hops down and begins spinning with her arms overhead. My mother lowers Linus onto my lap. He feels heavier than I remember. He turns his head, looks up into my eyes, touches my face, smiles, and says, “Mama.”

“Hi, honey,” I say and wrap my arm tighter around him.

“Mama,” he says again, patting my cheek over and over.

“Hi, sweet boy. Mama’s home.”

He snuggles into my lap, and we both watch Lucy perform. She kicks her bare feet and wiggles her hips and twirls, delighted to show off her billowing red and gold skirt, and we all clap and beg for more. Always a ham, she happily obliges with an encore.

My gaze travels over Lucy’s head through the kitchen to the windows overlooking the backyard. The outdoor lights are on. I see the swing set and playhouse draped in snow. I see a snowman wearing one of Bob’s winter hats, a carrot nose, and at least five stick arms. I see a red saucer sled at the top of our modest hill and a wild tangle of footprints and sled trails.

And no prison anywhere.

In some ways, everything about my life has overwhelmingly changed. But in other ways, my life is exactly the same. Backyard winter joy, Lucy dancing, Linus’s fingers on my face, Bob laughing, the smell of Christmas pine. This, I can handle. And I soak it all in.