Letters of Love (Lessons in Love) (20 page)

As they pulled in to the hospital parking lot
, Alex noticed the flashing blue lights of the ambulance near the access to the emergency department and tried to block out flashbacks to the terrible night when her father had been shot. She hated seeing those flashing lights; they always meant that there was someone in trouble. She often imagined a young girl like herself witnessing something awful, desperately waiting for help to arrive.

Oscar had been moved into a side room. His father was waiting for Alex outside as she all but ran down the corridor, still wearing her cap and gown and attracting a few bemused looks as she passed people by.

“What happened?” she asked, her tone incessant.

Terry Deloitte looked tired, more tired than she’d ever seen him look before. New lines had appeared in his already haggard face
, and dark circles hung beneath his blue eyes that had probably once sparkled as his son’s did. Terry looked like a man who had weathered turbulent times.

“We found him this morning in his dorm room,” Terry explained. Alex could see his eyes were red and raw, unable to cry any more tears.

“This morning?” Alex was aware that it was now almost half past two in the afternoon.

“We didn’t want to worry you,” Terry explained, sensing her unhappiness at not being told of the situation sooner.

“It was your graduation day. We couldn’t let it be ruined,” Terry continued, glancing sadly into the room where Oscar lay on a bed while his mother watched anxiously over him.

Alex wanted to scream that her day was completely ruined, that her graduation from Princeton would forever be tainted by Oscar’s suicide attempt
, but her mother, who was in a more rational state of mind, spoke up before she had the chance.

“We appreciate you thinking of Alex’s well
-being at such a difficult time,” Jackie said, placing a hand on her daughter’s shoulder.

“Graduation is a key milestone growing up
.” Terry choked.

Alex’s anger softened when she realized that Terry had now been denied the opportunity to see not one, but two of his children graduate.

“Why would he do this?” Alex whispered, trying to understand her boyfriend’s motivations. “I thought that he was looking forward to graduating.”

“So did we
.” Terry sighed. “He invited us up and seemed so excited. We should have expected this would happen again.”

“Again?” Alex queried.

“He’s tried to commit suicide four times since…” Terry looked away sadly, not needing to tell Alex the moment he was referring to.

“This would be the fifth attempt,” he said, looking intently at his son. “If he keeps it up
, he risks being institutionalized.”

“But Oscar isn’t crazy,” Alex quickly interjected.

“We can’t risk him hurting himself.”

“Can I go and see him?” Alex looked through the glass door, in at Oscar
, who seemed unaware of her presence.

Terry made eye contact with his wife and gestured to Alex. His wife looked at Alex, then at Oscar before nodding.

“Just for a bit, he’s really drained,” Terry said.

“I’ll wait right here,” Jackie whispered to Alex as she entered through the glass door, passing by Oscar’s mother
, who was kindly vacating the room to give them some privacy.

Oscar was looking out of the window on the far side of the room, watching distant trees dance in a phantom breeze. When he heard the door click
, he looked up at Alex, but his expression remained blank.

“Oscar
.” Alex ran to his side and picked up his hand. He flinched as she did so. His hand was full of needles hooking him up to the monitoring devices.

“Sorry
.” Alex released his hand and backed away, not daring to touch him and cause further damage.

“My lips are okay,” Oscar quipped, not having lost any of his bravado.

“I’m not kissing you.”

“Why not?” Oscar turned his head to face her
, and the empty look fell away to a cheeky grin. He was paler than usual, his eyes deep and heavy in his head and no longer sparkling, but he retained his boyish charm.

His hair seemed darker than normal against the white bedding. It was trussed up around his head like a macabre halo. His cheeks were shadowed with a faint stubble
because he hadn’t had a chance to shave that day.

“Oscar, I’m mad at you,” Alex said
, though it was hard to be mad at someone in a hospital bed. He seemed so vulnerable, with all the machines whirring around him, wearing only a hospital gown and covered by a thin bed sheet. It made her uncomfortable to see him like that.

“Mad at me?”

“Yes, for trying to hurt yourself! Why would you do this! You scared the crap out of me and your parents.”

Oscar looked down at the bed sheet sadly and refused to meet Alex’s gaze.

“You tried to kill yourself,” Alex stated simply, though her voice was soft and comforting. “Why would you do that? Why would you want to leave me?” She could feel the warmth of tears running down her cheeks as she contemplated how she’d have felt if Oscar had been successful in taking his own life, if his parents had not walked in and found him when they did.

“I’m so sore,” Oscar groaned his voice hoarse. “Pumping your stomach is a real killer.”

“This is no time for jokes!”

“Isn’t it?”

“Oscar, what the hell is going on with you? I thought you wanted to graduate!” Alex raised her voice slightly but was careful not to be too loud, not wanting to alarm Oscar’s already frazzled parents.

“I do, I did…” Oscar shrugged and then shook his head.

“I love you, and I’m worried about you,” Alex said, taking his hand once more but gently this time. She pulled a chair close so that she could sit beside him. Oscar finally looked up to meet her gaze; he looked exhausted.

“I just couldn’t shut the feelings out,” Oscar said softly. “The feelings that it shouldn’t be me, that I should have died that day.”

“But it was an accident; you can’t go on torturing yourself like this forever.”

“I can’t make it stop. The pain is always there.” Oscar sealed his eyes shut as though currently being engulfed by a wave of pain.

“But it will get better,” Alex said, knowing from experience that her own pain over her father’s death had dulled over the years. While is still retained the potency to blindside her on occasion; if she saw a man who looked like him or smelt the familiar scent of his cologne, she’d feel like she’d been winded. But those experiences were becoming less and less regular, and time had performed its wondrous miracle and begun to heal her heart, just as everyone had said it would when she’d felt the world darken and close in on her in the wake of the murder.

“It doesn’t
,” Oscar said bluntly.

“Your dad said that this has happened before
.” Alex frowned with concern.

“My dad says a lot of things,” Oscar retorted bitterly.

“You need help, Oscar. You can’t keep trying to kill yourself.”

“And if I don’t get help
, then what, you’ll leave?” Oscar’s expression soured as his tone became hostile.

“No, of course I won’t leave you!”

“But you’re already leaving me. You’re heading off to New York, not caring what happens to me.”

“Of course I care!” Alex protested.

“No, you don’t.”

“Oscar, I need to live my life. I know you don’t like thinking about the future
, but I do. I have big plans for myself, and I’d like them to include you if you can stop closing yourself off from me.” Alex gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, but he wriggled loose from her grip and pulled away.

“Go enjoy New York,” Oscar said coldly.

“Not without you.”

“I’m going to be stuck in here for a while. My dad thinks I can’t hear what’s said outside that door
, but it’s my mind that’s fucked not my hearing.”

“He’s just worried about you and trying to do what’s best.” 

“Mmm.” Oscar wasn’t convinced.

“Don’t you want to move forward with your life?” Alex asked earnestly. “Don’t you want to go on to great things instead of dwelling in the past?”

“No,” Oscar immediately answered. “No, I don’t want to move forward because moving forward means forgetting her. Each birthday that passes is just another year that separates us. One day she will be nothing more than a memory, and she deserves more than that.”

“But she wouldn’t want you suffering like this
.” Alex leant forward and stroked Oscar’s cheek; he was cold to the touch.

“I deserve to suffer,” Oscar said from behind clenched teeth.

“No, you don’t,” Alex answered decisively. “You deserve to be happy.”

“That’s what you think.”

“Oscar, it’s what I know. You are so smart and charismatic, you shouldn’t be wasting your life to honor Olivia. You should be living it to the complete maximum, you should be pushing yourself each and every day, not sitting in a hospital room when you should be celebrating graduating.”

Oscar was silent.

“Promise me that you won’t do this again, because I can’t love someone who doesn’t love me back.”

“I do love you,” Oscar quickly corrected her.

“You can’t love me, or you wouldn’t risk leaving me,” Alex told him flatly. “I have big dreams for our future, Oscar, but they can’t come true unless you start believing in yourself—and in us.” 

Again Oscar was silent, contemplating what she was saying.

“Can you get better, for us?” Alex asked gently.

“Yes,” Oscar confirmed
, his voice strong and purposeful. “For us I can.”

****

“I’m so sorry your graduation day has been so stressful,” Jackie said as they sat and ordered dinner, finally having caught up with Ashley’s family.

“It’s not your fault, Mom.” Alex gazed idly at the menu
, though she had no appetite.

“I know you wanted to stay at the hospital with Oscar
, but you deserve to come out and celebrate. This is still your day, and you’ve achieved so much.” Jackie put an arm around her daughter and kissed her forehead.

“I don’t feel like celebrating
.” Alex sighed, unable to take her mind off Oscar.

“Well, I will celebrate on your behalf
.” Jackie smiled.

“She means get drunk
.” Andy laughed from the opposite side of the table.

“It’s going to be okay,” Jackie told her daughter, hating to see her look so despondent on what should have been a joyous occasion.

“Is it?”

“I know that you love Oscar, honey, but do you really think he’s the right guy for you? You’ve already been through so much pain; I’d hate to see you hurt anymore.”

“He needs me, Mom,” Alex answered sharply.

“Yes, but my concern as your mother is, do you need him?”

****

Alex sighed wearily as she continued to pack up the contents of her bedroom. Across the room Ashley sat on her bed, watching her friend with concern.

“You don’t have to pack now,” Ashley said gently.

“Yes, I do
,” Alex replied firmly. “My mom goes back to Woodsdale tonight.”

“And you’re going back with her?”

“Yep.” Alex nodded.

Each item of clothing was shoved into her duffel bag with unnecessary force.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ashley gingerly suggested.

“Talk about what?” Alex’s reply was sharp.

“About Oscar.”

Alex ceased packing and sat down next to her half
-full bag of clothes. She bit her lip and stared intently at the floor.

“What is there to talk about?” she asked helplessly, her gaze remaining on the carpet.

“All of it.” Ashley came and sat beside her and wrapped a comforting arm around her troubled friend. “Yesterday was graduation, what should have been a happy, memorable occasion, and instead you spent most of it at the hospital after your boyfriend tried to kill himself.”

“It was certainly memorable,” Alex quipped.

“I know that you’re tough.” Ashley rubbed Alex’s shoulder as she spoke. “You’ve already been through so much horrible stuff, but what happened yesterday is messed up by anyone’s standards. It’s okay to talk about it. You’ve barely even looked at me since it happened.”

“I just…
I just don’t understand why he did it,” Alex admitted, glancing up at Ashley with tear-filled eyes.

“I know
.” Ashley hugged her friend tightly, her voice soothing. “Do you think it was because of that job you’ve been offered in New York?”

The day before graduation a letter had arrived for Alex in a formal envelope with an embossed address on the back. Opening it with shaking hands
, she had been jubilant to discover that her application to a prestigious financial broker firm in New York City had been accepted. When the fall commenced she was due to go and live and work in the city, just as she’d always dreamed.