Letting Go (Vice, Virtue & Video)
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Authors: Bianca Giovanni
Vice, Virtue & Video: Letting Go
by
Bianca Giovanni
Copyright 2014 Bianca Giovanni
Vice Virtue & Video series:
Letting Go
Captured (Coming Soon!)
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To all my James and Lola fans
Lola
My professor is at the front of the classroom droning on
about covalent bonds while he clicks through his PowerPoint slideshow. I’m
jotting down notes from each slide and underlining specific terms, since he’s
being pretty obvious about what will be on the final. My mind is elsewhere,
though. I feel a bit like Britney Spears in the beginning of the “Baby One More
Time” video—she’s drumming on her notebook with a pencil and eagerly
awaiting the bell so she can shimmy down the hallway, creating pervy schoolgirl
fantasies for an entire generation of males. I’ve got that same bored
when-will-class-be-over-so-I-can-get-out-of-here look on my face, though my
attire is far less scandalous than Britney’s wardrobe.
My phone buzzes in my messenger bag, and I reach down to get
it. This class is massive, one of those general requirements that everyone has
to sit through, so no one will notice. I pull out my brand new
iPhone—which I reluctantly accepted as a gift from James—and check
the alert. It’s a text message saying:
Waiting for you at the hotel - rm 619 xoxo
My heart flutters with excitement. Now I really want this
class to wrap up. A beautiful, strapping stud awaits me, and I’m more than
ready to trade molecules for muscles.
The professor finally lets us go, and I’m the first one out
of the classroom. It’s a short walk to the Sheraton, and I practically run the
whole way.
I’m buzzing with anticipation as I ride the elevator up to
the sixth floor and run down the hallway to room 619.
I knock once, and seconds later, there he is. His prompt
answer makes me wonder if he was waiting by the door the whole time.
“Aw, baby! I missed you so much!” James says, pulling me in
and scooping me up in a giant hug. I can tell that he missed me a lot from the
way he envelops me.
“I missed you too,” I say as he kisses my cheeks, my
shoulder, and even my neck a couple times.
He doesn’t put me down, and I giggle as he physically
carries me into his room, the door clicking shut behind me. He’s still
squeezing me, so I shift and wrap my legs around him. He cradles my head to his
chest, but I nuzzle under his neck, feeling very happy and relaxed. God, I love
when he holds me like this—really holds me, not just hugs me.
It’s been over a year since I’ve seen him, and I want to
absorb everything about him all at once. His arms are strong and his torso is
firm as he presses me against him. His hair is longer, but just as flowing and
beautiful. He smells great—fresh and clean, but with an underlying
testosterone that makes me want to press my nose to his neck and take it all
in. If scientists ever want to study pheromones, he’d be a prime research
candidate. I might be his best friend, but even I find his masculine smell very
appealing.
He finally sets me down and takes my bag, setting it on the
desk as I check out the room. He can afford nice accommodations, and the king
sized bed is practically calling my name. After half a semester in a dorm bed,
something spacious with big, fluffy pillows seems like heaven. I’m hoping I can
spend the night here, but I don’t want to be presumptuous. Last time we shared
a bed, shit went down and blurred the lines between platonic and passionate.
I’m not sure if he wants to tempt fate again.
“You look so beautiful, Lola,” he says, standing back to
check me out.
He has this way of looking at me that makes me feel
glamorous and sexy, even though I’m just in jeans and a t-shirt with a gray
sweater thrown over my shoulders. I think I get where he’s coming from, though,
because he’s dressed just as casually, but I still find him so gorgeous.
“You’re pretty easy on the eyes too, my man,” I tease,
moving back over to him and wrapping my arms around his waist.
I can’t stop touching him. It’s like a compulsion, like I
have to do it. I need physical contact with him, not necessarily in a flirty or
sexual way, just to experience that affection we share.
He holds my head and tilts it up so I’m looking at him
before he kisses my forehead. “This is going to be fun,” he says, smiling. “I
can’t wait to check out your campus and see how you roll.”
“I think you’ll be pretty disappointed,” I joke. “I’m not
down with the cool party scene. Actually, I’m kind of a nerd.”
“I don’t need to go to parties to have fun,” he replies
genuinely. “I have the most fun when I’m hanging out with you, so partying like
an undergrad is not required for me to have a good time.”
“Good.” I rest my cheek against his chest and breathe a
content sigh.
“It’s you and me, cupcake, and I could not be happier about
it.”
I giggle, but stand on my tiptoes so I can kiss his cheek,
which makes him smile broadly. I make a mental note to plan little visits like
this more often. I can’t go this long without seeing him. Talking on the phone
is not enough. We need to work out a schedule, because I don’t think I can
handle another long year without frequent hugs from James.
James
I’m trying to remember the names of Lola’s friends as we all
stand around by the staircase in the frat house. The blonde, Mackenzie, said
she was premed, I think. The brunette with the long hair is the roommate. Her
name is Kate, which I know from Lola’s conversations about her occasionally
bringing guys back to the room. There’s a tall girl with long, light brown hair
named Joanna. Pretty sure she said she was an English major. The dudes are
Travis and Daniel—I remembered them because I spent the first half of the
evening sizing them up. Lola’s most comfortable around guys, but not all guys
have pure intentions like me, and I was worried these guys were just playing
the friend card so they could wait in the wings until she wanted a boyfriend.
One of them is an econ major, and the other is pre-law, but I can’t quite
remember which is which.
Lola seemed really psyched to be going to a frat party, and
she wanted to take me with her so I could experience the college scene. It
seems pretty cool so far—fun, but not too wild. The kids are more serious
than the ones who attended the university in our hometown. They just give off
that smart vibe, like they’ll all be future business leaders and entrepreneurs.
I’m trying my hardest to act like I fit in, even though I barely went to class
during my brief stint at our state school back home.
“So, James, you’re not in school out in California, right?”
Mackenzie asks me. “I thought Lola mentioned UCLA, but I couldn’t remember. I
have some friends who go to Stanford, and my sister goes to USC.”
“No, I’m actually out there for work,” I reply.
“Oh, cool,” she says, smiling. “What do you do?”
Lola gives me a nervous look, and it’s clear that she
doesn’t want me to tell the truth. I know it’s not because she’s ashamed. I’m
guessing she just thinks it’ll lead to a big discussion, and she’d like to
avoid dwelling on it. She’s started a whole life here, and she doesn’t need to
open up the porno can of worms.
“I’m an actor,” I reply. “I’ve done some modeling too, but
I’m kind of focusing on acting right now.”
“How exciting!” Joanna says. “Have you been in anything we
would have seen?”
Not unless you watch porn
. “It’s mostly indie stuff.
I’ve done a lot of student films—and sometimes they even pay you.”
She laughs and gives me slightly flirty eyes.
“One of my friends is in film school out there and says it’s
always hard to find talent who will work for free,” Travis chimes in.
“Yeah. There are a lot of actors who want stuff to add to
their reel, and some of those student films are really artistic and original,
but you gotta make a living too.”
“I hear you, man,” Daniel says, nodding to me. “It seems
like Hollywood is just void of ideas. Everything is a remake or a sequel.”
“True,” I agree. “A lot of things I’ve been in haven’t
gotten mainstream distribution, but I really like acting, so I don’t really
worry about that stuff.”
“He loves being in front of the camera,” Lola teases. “In
case you couldn’t tell, he’s an extrovert.”
Lola’s friends all laugh, and I see Kate check me out.
“Is that a diss?” I ask with surprise as I look over at
Lola. “You trying to say I’m cocky, cupcake?”
“I’m trying to say that you’re very sure of yourself,” she
says slyly. “You’ve never lacked confidence.”
“That’s just what happens when you’re as awesome as me,” I
reply, nudging her with my shoulder.
She playfully rolls her eyes and takes a sip of her drink.
She wanted a beer, and I was about to get one for her, but I persuaded her to
have something non-alcoholic instead. Of course, she bitched about it and said
I was “acting like a fucking dictator” when I told her I didn’t want her
getting tipsy and getting hit on by the dudes in here. As far as I know, the
only time Lola has ever been drunk was at a party she made me take her to in
high school. I couldn’t leave her side the whole night because I was worried
some guy was going to take advantage of her. She was younger, and she had a rep
for being pure and innocent, so I knew it would be like putting a lamb in front
of a pack of wolves—a comparison that definitely would have earned me a
serious eye roll from her if I’d said it out loud to her.
“I want to dance,” Kate says, looking over into the other
room. There are quite a few girls shaking their asses, and quite a few guys
standing back to enjoy the show.
“Yeah!” Lola agrees—much to my surprise. She was
always kind of shy, but she seems much more outgoing now that she’s out here on
her own.
Just like that, she and the girls all go over and start
dancing. I stand back with Travis and Daniel to watch them. You can tell Kate
is the wildest. She’s got her skirt hiked up a little and she’s occasionally
peeking over her shoulder at a few different guys as she sways her hips like
she’s in a fuckin’ 2 Live Crew video. The way she moves, combined with her
subtle eye-fucking earlier, tells me that Kate is most certainly interested in
me. Normally, I’d have no qualms about sneaking off with her for a blowjob or
maybe a quickie, but I’d feel dirty doing that with Lola right here. I came to
hang out with my cupcake, not get blown by a flirty co-ed—besides, it
might screw up their dynamic, and I’d hate to make things weird between Lola
and her roommate. How awkward would it be if it were me that Kate was taking
back to the room at the end of the night?
Mackenzie, Joanna and Lola are all dancing together, and
they look like they’re out to have fun as opposed to just attracting attention.
I like the way Lola’s letting loose. She looks really free and happy. She used
to be so self-conscious, and she’d rarely do things to draw attention to
herself, but now she’s out there dancing like she doesn’t care if anyone’s
watching. It’s actually pretty beautiful—and also pretty fuckin’ sexy. I’ve
seen how she works those hips when she’s writhing in ecstasy, and I can’t say
that isn’t on my mind right now.
“So you and Lola grew up together, right?” Travis asks me as
we watch the girls.
“Yeah.” I nod. “Next door neighbors since elementary
school.”
“She’s a really cool girl. I met her last year. We had an
English class together and I did a peer review on her paper. It was really
good.”
“Not surprised,” I reply, chuckling. “She’s totally smart.”
“And cute,” Daniel chimes in, watching her a little too
intently for my liking. “But she’s one of those girls who doesn’t know she’s
cute, which makes her cuter.”
“Yep,” I agree, trying not to tell him to back the fuck off.
Before we got here tonight, she made me promise that I wouldn’t pull any “macho
possessive shit”, so I’m trying hard to bite my tongue.
“Does she listen to Kanye?” Daniel asks.
“Yeah, I know she likes that one he did with Jamie Foxx a
lot.”
“Sweet. He’s playing here pretty soon and I wanted to ask
her to go.”
Don’t be a dick to him. He’s allowed to like her. No
macho bullshit. You promised. Just keep your cool.
“I’m sure she’d like
that,” I say, forcing myself to smile.
“So, like, what kind of dudes is she into?” he asks me.
“Uh, I’m not really sure.”
“C’mon, man, you’ve gotta have some insight,” he says,
grinning. “She said you were like her brother, so hook me up with some tips.”
Like her brother? Lame.
If that doesn’t solidify our
“just friends” status, then I don’t know what does. I’m kind of pissed at
myself for being bummed out about it. We settled on friends. Just friends. We
both agreed that was for the best, so why does it annoy me so much right now?
“I know she likes funny guys,” I say, trying really hard to
hide my offense at being called her fuckin’ brother. “She doesn’t have a
particular type or anything. She’s more into personality. She wants a guy who
will stand up for her, but not treat her like she’s helpless. You gotta treat
her like a princess, but a princess who carries a switchblade, you know? But
most importantly, she likes dudes who make her laugh.”
“Okay, good.” He nods. “She always laughs at my jokes, so
I’m good there.”
She laughs at his jokes?
Probably not as hard as she
laughs at mine. I’ve made her laugh so hard she nearly peed her pants. I doubt Daniel
could ever do something like that.
“Is she into romantic stuff? She doesn’t seem like the kind
of girl who would be impressed with flowers, but most girls like that sort of
thing.”
“She’s not really that into it,” I reply. “She likes a
little romance every now and then, but she’s not really into that cutesy shit.
Roses aren’t really going to thrill her. She likes more creative, thoughtful
stuff.”
Like a romantic picnic at the overlook, for example.
“Does she have any psycho exes I should be worried about?”
Daniel says, chuckling like he’s already got this in the bag.
“No psycho exes,” I reply.
Just a psycho best friend who
will kick your fuckin’ ass if you hurt her.
“She didn’t really date a lot
in high school.”
“Really? She never talked about boyfriends, but I just
figured it was because she didn’t want to be one of those girls who whines
about their past relationships.”
She didn’t have any past relationships, man. She’s a good
girl.
“Yeah, she didn’t waste her time with that shit. Plus, she was too
good for the idiots at our school.”
“I hear you.” Daniel grins, watching Lola a little closer.
“She’s a really great girl.”
“Yeah, she is,” I agree, looking over at her. She’s so
pretty when she smiles, and I love watching her enjoy her self. She’s extra
beautiful when she’s having fun.
“We both met her at orientation,” Travis volunteers.
“Oh, yeah?” I say, trying not to keep staring at her.
“I threw out a
40-Year-Old Virgin
reference and she
totally got it,” Daniel says. “She was into
Anchorman
and stuff. Most of
the girls I’d gone to school with were the type who wanted you to buy them stuff
and take them to chick flicks.”
“I definitely can’t see Lola making somebody take her to a
chick flick.” Travis laughs, agreeing with Daniel.
“I remember she told me that she and her friend sat in the
back during
The Notebook
and did a
Mystery Science Theater 3000
thing where they just made their own commentary,” Daniel remarks. “I was like,
‘She rips on the ultimate chick flick? I should fucking marry this girl!’”
Travis laughs loudly, and I try to smile like I’m amused
too. Apparently she didn’t think it was important to mention that it was
me
who took her to
The Notebook
. We sat in the back snickering about all
the people on dates while we made non-stop sexual innuendo jokes. It was
hilarious, one of the funnest nights ever.
“Yeah, that sounds like Lola.” I love that about her too.
She’s not your average girl. She’s more like one of the guys…except, you know,
gorgeous.
“I know her schedule’s been pretty crazy with all the extra
credit she’s doing, but I was thinking of asking her to this midnight screening
of
Zoolander
next weekend,” Daniel says, sipping his beer.
“She’d definitely be into that,” I reply, hating that he
picked something she would actually enjoy doing.
“Nice!” He proudly grins. “I’m gonna hook it up. Thanks for
the advice, bro.”
Travis and I watch as Daniel gives us a nod and then goes
over to the girls. He starts dancing with Lola, and she happily responds,
moving in closer to him and letting him put his arms around her. She’s not even
looking over at me. She’s just enjoying her fuckin’ flirt fest with Daniel.
I almost can’t watch, but she looks really happy. She’s got
this breezy, carefree air about her that she didn’t used to have. Most of the
time, she was sort of timid—not quite an outcast, but definitely not one
of the air-headed popular chicks. She hung out with a small group of kids who
were smart like her, and they weren’t really into the social scene that much.
She probably went to, like, three parties in all of high school, and she mostly
just hung out with me. I guess I’m just surprised—and okay, maybe a
little bit jealous that everyone gets to see the flirty, confident side of her
now. That used to be my thing, but now she’s like that with everyone.
A redhead and brunette approach us, and Travis starts
chatting them up. I’m trying to concentrate on what they’re saying, but I’m
keeping one eye on Lola to make sure Daniel doesn’t get too handsy with her.
“What’s your major?” the redhead asks me.
“Sorry, what?” I reply, tearing my eyes away to look at her.
“Your major. What are your studying?”
“Oh, uh, actually I’m just here visiting. I’m from LA.”
“Really? What school?”
“He’s an actor,” Travis replies, thinking he’s my wingman.
Little does he know that I’ve never needed a wingman in my life and I know I
could get this girl with a few cleverly placed flirtatious sentences.
“Wow,” she says, giving me a sexy smile. “What have you been
in?”
“Mostly indie stuff.” I quickly glancing over at Lola again.
“I love indies,” she says. “I have a friend who’s interning
with a publicity firm, and she always goes to Sundance.”
“Oh, cool,” I reply, really trying hard not to get
distracted. It’s not like me to ignore a flirty girl, and I know I need to stop
being so concerned with what Lola’s doing.
Travis and I chat up the ladies for a little while longer,
but I see that Daniel’s grinding behind Lola, and I can’t keep calm anymore. I
make a tactful exit and beeline it for Lola.
“You got some serious moves, Lo,” I say, stepping in front
of her.
“Why thank you,” she replies sweetly.
Daniel must be able to tell from my posture that I’m taking
over here. He doesn’t look thrilled about it, but I’m not sure that he even
sees me as a threat. I want to tell him that he should see me as his biggest
threat, that I had Lola moaning in my bed once, that I know she cares about me
more than she’ll ever care about any other guy, that she trusts me and she can
be herself with me, that I make her laugh, and that I hold her when she cries.
I’m
the one who’s always there for her.
I’m
the one who cares about her.
I’m
the one who could have her heart…probably.