Lie Down in Darkness (47 page)

Peyton put her glass down and applauded. The doctor made a courteous bow and noisily blew his nose. Harry, in the meantime, had gone off for a minute, for a waiter had come up to tell him that Mr. Loftis wanted to see him on the back porch. “He drunk and ravin’, man. You bettah hustle on out dere!” and the whites of his eyes had been wild crescents of doom, but neither Peyton nor the doctor had noticed all this. More of the guests were leaving now. They had said their final good-bys to Peyton and so, with coats and hats in their arms, they stood around in the hallway, ready to thank Milton and Helen for a grand time, but Milton and Helen were not in sight. At the punchbowl, though, there was still heavy business; in one shadowy corner, their champagne glasses recklessly upraised, slopping over, a young couple embraced. In another corner Monk Yourtee, abandoned by his wife, sang, “Friendship … friendship” with a very drunk girl named Polly Pearson; her string of rhinestones broke suddenly and Stonewall burst from the kitchen and scrambled to retrieve them, like a squirrel among popcorn.

Briefly alone with Peyton, the doctor turned and took her hand. “You look sad, my dear—you need wine and poesy. What’s wrong?” A look of sorrow had come to her eyes; she put her hands over them, just for an instant, a curious, sweet gesture, thought the doctor, full of infinite distress, as if she were trying to wipe something away. “What’s wrong, my dear?” he said gently.

“Ah …” she said in disgust.

“Tell Doc?”

“Ah …” She looked straight ahead, then gazed about the room, slowly, precisely, and it seemed to the doctor that she was surveying all this—room and windows, fading sunlight, rowdy guests—for the first, perhaps last time (there seemed to be little difference), through eyes no more dim with champagne than with some pure agony. It came as a troubling shock to the doctor, for not ten seconds ago she had seemed the very spirit of gaiety, and it sobered him. “What’s the matter, my dear?” he asked again.

She turned on him her grave brown eyes. “Oh, Doc,” she said in a hopeless voice, “if you only knew. If I could only tell you.”

“You can tell me——”

She smiled. Her nose arched, her eyes sparkled, small pretty dimples came at the corners of her mouth; it was a classical smile, the doctor thought, and simply beautiful, but it was no good. It was a cover-up, and valiantly, through his whiskied brain, he tried to think: what could trouble the girl on this day? Epithalamion. But he couldn’t make it out. Besides, she was going on about something: “I distinctly believe, Doc, that the race is headed for destruction. You know—” and she put one hand on his shoulder with a sort of drunken intimacy, making him feel ticklish inside—“you know what the trouble is, Doc? You know, it’s not too much money at all. I have oodles of Communist friends in New York who’d make you believe that if they could. ’S not distribution of wealth or balance of population or any of those idiotic dusty things. You know what it is? It’s time and remembrance, that’s what it is. It’s people having a little humble—humility about not what happens now, at this moment, but all the things that went before. In themselves, I mean. I mean … I mean, Doc, just little things like coming home. If you could just know how I love this place. I mean, the bay and the beach and the mimosa trees. Even this house, as Thomson, Howell, and Woodburn-architected as it is. Even this house——”

“Yes,” he said, nodding his head. “Yes, I see, my dear.”

“It’s not old, this old house, is it? It’s big and commonplace and middle-class, but I love it. I was born here.” She raised her hand to her eyes again, in the same sweet, distressed gesture, and shuddered. “Oh, Doc,” she cried, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry to talk like this. Do you see what I mean? Do you? Tell me you do, now, because I haven’t got much time. I mean, not that someone should ever want to come home to stay, but that just to be understood for what you are, neither to be loved to death nor despised just because you’re young. Do you understand me, Doc?” Her eyes were bright with tears and he patted her on the shoulder, thinking that indeed he did understand her—a little, at least—for at this moment, past her head and framed in nearby doorways, he saw them: Milton and Helen.

Ah, he thought suddenly, so that’s what it is.

There they stood, so close together, yet unaware of each other because of the noise. In one doorway—the door to the kitchen—Loftis was struggling to steady himself, his face flushed and violent, talking to the bridegroom. The doctor couldn’t hear what they said, saw only one of Loftis’ hands propped tense and bloodless against the doorjamb, the other outstretched, describing desperate arcs in the air with his glass. But it was his face which was so startling, so troubling: limber-jawed, twitching all over with emotion, it seemed to be the face of a man making a last plea to some adamant, inquisitional power, and it seemed further, to the doctor’s mind, the face of someone on the verge of apoplexy. It was a wild and agonized face and the doctor, made suddenly cold sober, wondered what on earth Loftis could be talking about, for he was certainly not angry
at
the bridegroom, who listened intently, and with a worried look on his face.

Now at the other door, not more than five yards away, stood Helen. The doctor saw her pull the coat tightly about her shoulders, although it was stuffy in the room, even hot. On the phonograph there was a sudden blare of music, violently incongruous—“The Stars and Stripes Forever”—and from some of the loitering guests came a chorus of whistles, trumpetings, shouts for attention. The music fell on the room like boiling water; Peyton started, the doctor, too: he felt her squeeze his arm and he wanted to turn and comfort her, even protect her, but, his gaze on Helen, he felt stupefied by apprehension. He watched her suspiciously. She stood in the doorway without moving a muscle in her body. With her arms at her side stiff as sticks, only her head moved and her blue, crazy eyes: it was like watching an adder, thought the doctor; surely she was ready to strike. None of the other guests seemed to have noticed her, and this fact, too, increased his feeling of impending peril: of a snake which lies tranquil, cold as ice, save for its head motionless at the rim of some thicket, prepared as if by divine intuition to bite not the wary but the unaware. Peyton hadn’t seen her. Nor did she see, as the doctor did, Helen’s gaze dart and move once more from the walls to the punchbowl to the windows, linger momentarily upon the last fading light, and then fasten like teeth upon Peyton’s back.

It can’t happen, the doctor thought, it can’t. And he knew Helen had gone off, knew it just as well as he had known for twenty years—having probed and prodded and palpated that tortured and self-torturing flesh until it was as familiar as his own—that there
would
come a time when all her fury and envy became unbottled—
poof
! like an avenging genie risen black as smoke from the confining, torturing lamp. Only,
not now,
he thought,
please, not now.
It was too late, he was too old, he had worked too goddam hard and long at becoming a man of good will to want to see a sweet, tender life such as this one smashed out like an insect.
No,
he thought,
no,
and he turned desperately to Peyton, to comfort her, to protect her, saying with a laugh: “Ah, my love, don’t be sad.” And he took her hand, feeling her new gold ring: “ ‘Her finger was so small the ring would not stay on, which they did bring; it was too wide a peck——’ ”

“Oh, that!” Peyton said. “How did you remember? I just love the seventeenth century! I——”

He saw Helen approach. “‘They are all gone into the world of light!’ “ he said. “‘And I alone sit ling’ring here …’ ”

“ ‘Their very memory is fair and bright,’ ” Peyton said. “‘And my sad thoughts doth clear …’ ”

“ ‘Either disperse these mists …’” the doctor said, tightening his grip on her arm. “Something, something, something, something …”

Peyton turned and saw Helen bearing down on them. “Yes. ‘Or else remove me hence unto that hill, Where I shall need no glass.’ ”

Months later, when he tried to put in some sort of ordered sequence the events of the day, Loftis found himself hopelessly baffled. It was as if he were trying to relive an experience in time, with the minutes all scrambled, an experience in which he was unable to tell whether one precise event followed, or antedated, another; whether he had talked to Harry
before
he developed the misery over Peyton, or afterward; when he had tipped the waiters, after Peyton left or before—had he tipped them at all? Whether, in fact, the reception had not preceded the ceremony; and for that matter had Peyton really come home? Had it not been all a drunken and terrible dream? When he came right down to it, he actually made little effort to remember the day; with its peculiar quality of dementia it seemed not a commonplace and civilized social event but a nightmare in vivid technicolor, with no director and clumsy actors, and wired—rather than for words and music—for one vast and febrile noise. Mainly, he recalled his anxiety: how, with his awareness of coming disaster, a fever had risen in his body, making him hot all over, and his underwear was drenched with sweat. This was the primary symptom—the fever—followed by a raw scraping in the back of his throat, which announced the arrival of a bad cold. It
was
a bad one, too, and it laid him low, prostrate and helpless, for a week afterward. Then there had been his crashing, outrageous drunkenness. Bad enough because of the frightful events—past, present and those he knew must come—his desire to drink, to drown himself utterly as in the sea or beneath sand, became even more powerful when, talking in the doorway to Harry, he found himself making a total, impossible ass of himself. At that point—by, most likely, an inaccurate count—he had drunk seven glasses of champagne, three shots of whisky straight, the Lord knew how much of the abominable pineapple punch. The whisky he had taken on the back porch alone, in a daze. And even then he knew that this course was perilous, not only in itself but because for eight months he had abstained, at least been moderate, and his poor, unsuspecting stomach just wouldn’t be able to take it. Which was true. Because, talking to Harry, he felt not only the gradually encroaching symptoms of his anxiety—the fever, the itching throat, the sweating and the trembling and the dreadful weakness in his limbs—he felt not only these, but a new terror: the pains of his headlong flight toward helpless drunkenness: his stomach which, because he hadn’t eaten (even a crumb of the cake), had already begun to protest, contracting in spasms that he imagined were worse than those of a womb in labor; his mouth, nervelessly, numbly drawn down; and this finally—the asinine, crazy things he heard himself saying to Harry. And although later he only faintly remembered what he had told Harry, he recalled himself standing there wildly flailing his arms, saying things that were inept, maudlin, unhinged, and knowing then that these very words must drive him on and on toward newer, blinder, more helpless depths of drunkenness.

Yes, he could recall part of the moment, at that. He remembered at first his patronizing tone. He remembered saying something about Jews, how he liked them, something about a warm quality they had which Gentiles really didn’t possess. He remembered Harry’s eyebrows going up at this, remembered thinking
What the hell am I trying to convince him about?
But he also remembered that he couldn’t stop talking about Jews, that he felt compelled to go on making Harry think he was a grand guy. Idiotically, gratuitously. And Harry remaining polite, intently receptive all along. He remembered saying, “Virginia has a lot to learn, but we like Jews down here as well as anyone else.” Wanting to bite his tongue off at that, but compelled to go on and on laboring the subject more drunkenly each moment, a man tied to a runaway cannon.

And through all this, he later recalled, he had known that this wasn’t what he wanted to talk about at all. He recalled standing there, watching Peyton from time to time out of the corner of his eye, watching her through the drunken mists of his own rising fever; she faded, sank back from his sight, wavered, as if he were regarding her as a double image thrown back through the waters of an aquarium. And he remembered then that she was irretrievable, lost forever, that he had no claims on her anymore. That she not only had rejected him, crushed him utterly, but that now she was owned by someone else. Him. Harry. The gentle, quiet, understanding Jew who stood before him, shifting his weight patiently from foot to foot, his shrewd, almond eyes seeming to understand Loftis’ every gesture. And he recalled how his heart had been suddenly wrung with pain when he thought of this boy, and then thought of this boy and Peyton together. So then he had been about to say something, to reach out and tell this boy that he must take care of Peyton and love her always, for she was the dearest thing on earth. And it had been this precise instant that he saw Helen march across the room, ignoring the guests who got in her way, and walk up to Peyton and the old doctor and whisper something in to Peyton’s ear.

So then he knew it. It was a final moment, signifying everything. A whisper, no more, but a whisper of doom—brutal, unequivocal, in logic indivisible. How did he know? It needed no explanation. He knew it as well as his name, the fingers on his hand, the fact of breathing. He knew what this gesture spelled so well that it seemed to exist quite outside of time: he felt (and this was one of the few events of the day which later lingered clearly in his memory) that he could have predicted this scene—doctor and Peyton and the bending, whispering Helen—ten years ago, or twenty, it made no matter. It was just a gesture as inevitable as death. But he must have been paralyzed, for later, when he tried to remember what he had done at that moment, or had attempted to do, he recalled that he had been able to do nothing at all. Had he had a gun he felt he might have shot Helen then, watched her fall slain and bleeding among the guests and the shattered glasses and the crumpled pink napkins. Yet this was not really true, he realized, for, since he had not even made a word or motion in her direction, how could he have pulled the trigger of a gun? So he watched them in silence. Part silence, that is. Because, frightened to his soul, he couldn’t tolerate it quietly. He had to tum sideways to Harry and say thickly, incoherently: “There’ve been too many nuts around here, son. You gotta take care of her and love her because no one’s ever loved her right.” He grabbed him by the arm, saying something like: “Harry, be good to her! For Christ’s sake try to understand her——” But the last scene had begun. He turned and watched them leave the room together, Peyton weaving behind Helen past the glass-littered tables and the chairs and the bewildered guests, as compliant and submissive as Mary’s little lamb. He saw them go upstairs.