Lies I Told

For Jennifer Klonsky,
who gave me a second chance

Wild honey smells of freedom
The dust—of sunlight
The mouth of a young girl, like a violet
But gold—smells of nothing.
—
ANNA AKHMATOVA

Looking back, I should have known Playa Hermosa was the beginning of the end. We'd had a good run, and if things were sometimes tense between Mom, Dad, and Parker, it was nothing a new job couldn't fix. Just when they'd be at each other's throats, we'd move on to another town.

And there was nothing like a new town to remind us which team we were on.

But Playa Hermosa was different. It was like another world. One where the old rules didn't apply. Like the exotic birds on the peninsula, we were suddenly all on our own.

Except it didn't feel like that right away. In the beginning, it was business as usual. Plot the con, get into character, work our way in, stick together.

I don't know if it was my relationship with Logan that tipped everything over the edge or if the signs had been
there long before. Either way, I tell myself it was for the best. The universe seems to have its own mysterious plan. I guess we're just along for the ride. I can live with that. The harder part, the impossible part, is living with what I did to Logan and his family.

We knew what we were doing. Knew the risks. But Logan and his family were
good
. Maybe the first really good people I'd ever met. They loved one another, sacrificed for one another. Not because they didn't have anyone else, but because that's what love is.

What happened to them is my fault. And I'm still trying to figure out how to live with that.

Then there's Parker. Deep down, I know the choice was his. But I can't help wondering if he stuck around because of me. If he hadn't, everything would be different, and he'd probably be drinking beer in Barcelona or coffee in Paris or something.

I can't think about the other stuff. Thinking about it forces me back to the question: Why didn't I see it? Had the end of our family been one sudden, impulsive decision setting into motion a string of events that changed everything? Or had it all been a long time coming? I think that would be worse, because if it was true, it meant that I was hopelessly, unforgivably naive.

And there's no crime as unforgivable as naivety when you're on the grift.