Lieutenant Columbus (10 page)

The crowd clapped and cheered. Camera crews were uncertain which event
to
cover. Fortunately, split
-
screen recordings broadcast the duel happenings across the galaxy. I removed Garcia
’
s hood for all to verify, then shot him twice
to
remove all doubt of his death. I threw Garcia into Monica Lake, to be eaten by bottom-feeding newts. There would be no memorial
service for
this traitor, no shrine to his treachery. There would be no
‘
Elvis
’
sightings, nor doubt about his death.

Hargundu became an overnight celebrity. Cigarette and camel food commercial offers poured in
for the smiling charismatic camel
.

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Chapter 8

The spider commander and his Military Intelligence officer watched with great interest the Garcia interview and execution.
“That is the same feral camel that assaulted my poor war mule!” exclaimed the spider commander, pointing a claw at the TV screen. “I want that camel killed, strung up just like Garcia!”

“What about that talk of a time machine?” asked the Military Intelligence officer. “Might there be some truth to that?”

“Rubbish. I suppose you believe the world is flat, too?”

“The matter merits at least being looked into. We should talk to this Columbus fellow.”

“There is no point. All human pestilence lie. It
’
s in their DNA. They even lie about their lies.”

“Perhaps we can bribe Columbus. They said he is Italian. Maybe we can make a deal.”

“Ha! The Empire does not negotiate with terrorists, or the Mafia.”

“There is no such thing as the Mafia.”

“That shows what you know. I am surrounded by incompetents!”

“I have investigated
Columbus
’
s
rantings on the database,” advised the Military Intelligence officer, handing his communications pad to the commander. “Others are wondering about Columbus, too. Inquiring minds want to know.”

“Fine! Abduct Columbus at the earliest opportunity. And kill that pervert camel!”

Obeying orders, s
tealth spider commandos paddled silently in the darkness in rubber boats toward Goose
Shit Island. Once ashore, they
prepared to
swarm Lieutenant Columbus
’
s
tent.

* * * * *

Lieutenant Columbus and Captain Percy made love into the evening. Afterward, they lay exhausted in his tent.

“I love you
,
Chris,”
whispered
Percy. “As improbable as that may seem, we are meant for each other.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?”
asked
Lieutenant Columbus.

“It
’
s me talking to the wine
.
” Captain Percy
giggled
. “Seriously
,
dear, I love you. I want to spend eternity with you, my love.”

Silence followed more silence. Crickets could be heard chirping.

“Say something!” she demanded.

“You are not exactly what I would bring home to mother, but still, you please me,” replied Columbus, affectionately.

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“You make a great mistress.”

“You bastard!” shouted Percy, striking Columbus in the chest with her fist. “Is that all I am to you, a booty call? Get out!”

“What?”

“Read my lipstick! Get out!”

Lieutenant Columbus gathered his clothes and left the tent. It was his custom about midnight to stroll the beach anyway. He gazed up at the stars, old friends. The constellations were different from Old Earth, but just as beautiful.

Geese at the tree
line sounded the alarm. Lieutenant Columbus shimmied up a palm for a better view. Spider commandos swarmed his tent from all directions, seizing the lovely Priscilla. They bundled Priscilla in
a
web, her screams barely audible from inside her sleeping bag. A moment later, the spider marines were paddling back to base with their prisoner.

* * * * *

Lieutenant Columbus boated to camp, waking me from a sound sleep.
“Sir, I am her
e
about Captain Percy!”

“Are you drunk again?” I asked, upset about the late hour. “Fine! I
’
ve been meaning to talk to you about Percy
’
s report. She says you are delusional, and that you think you are the real Christopher Columbus. What do you have to say for yourself?
”

“I shared with Priscilla my deepest thoughts,” complained Lieutenant Columbus
,
“
and s
he betrayed my confidence
!
”

“I know how you feel. She put a lot of nasty stuff in my personnel file, too. Don
’
t worry, I
’
ll make sure your file is purged if you straighten up.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“
Do you really think the world is flat?”

“Sir, the world is flat. God told me himself.”

“Have you been taking your medications?”

“Yes, sir,” Columbus
said
.

I glared at him, trying to decide whether he was lying.
“Increase the dosage
;
they
’
re not working.”

I resumed checking paperwork
left unattended
, then looked up, remembering he
’
d said something about Percy being gone.
“Where is Captain Percy?
She is overdue filing her
latest
report.”

“Captain Percy left by boat after our last interview. I do not think she is coming back.”

“So
,
you
’
re cured? Outstanding!
”
I thought for a second. “
Percy probably went back to New Phoenix. Good riddance.”

“Yes, sir.”

* * * * *

The spider commander cut open the bundle, expecting to find Lieutenant Columbus. What he got was a very upset shrink.

“Help! I
’
ve been abducted by aliens!”

“What is this?” asked the spider commander, turning to a commando team leader. “This is not Columbus!”

“Of course I am not Columbus
,
you fool! I am Captain Priscilla Percy of the United States Galactic Foreign Legion, and you are in big trouble, crab boy!”

“She was in
Columbus
’
s
tent, in
Columbus
’
s
sleeping bag,”
defended
the team leader.

“Explain that,” demanded the spider commander. “Are you
Columbus
’
s
kept female?”

“I am a Legion psychiatrist, sent to help Lieutenant Columbus through difficult times,” advised Captain Percy contritely. “I am no one
’
s kept female.”

“A female mental health professional?” scoffed the spider commander. “Ha! Talk about letting the inmates run the asylum. Do you have experience with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? We might be in need of your expertise.”

“All you will get from me is my name
,
rank, and serial number. Release me at once!”

“Please, we had a vicious rape, and now the victim won
’
t eat. Your Legion is to blame!”

“I see,” relented Captain Percy. “She will need comforting. She must know the assault was not her fault.”

“That is sound advise,” replied the spider commander, leading Captain Percy outside to the stables. “But my war mule is not a she. I am afraid he has sunk into a deep depression.”

“I am not a veterinarian!” exclaimed Captain Percy. “Legionnaires raped your donkey? It figures. Only Czerinski and his bandits could be this depraved.”

“Not Czerinski! It was Columbus
’
s feral camel!”

“Hargundu?”

“Yes! You are familiar with that evil beast?”

“Hargundu is a harmless gentle soul that would not probe anyone, let alone your disgusting ass.”

“Insolent quack!” accused the spider commander. “Lock her up and throw away the key!”

* * * * *

FBI Special Agent Smith flew to Monica City to track down Garcia conspirators. He brought a warrant of arrest for our USGF Foreign Legion ATM.
The entire ATM network was to get its diagnostics checked as a result of certain unexplained irregularities, including Garcia
’
s recruitment into the Legion.
I wholeheartedly supported the effort – it was about
time someone investigated those ATMs
!

I ordered the ATM at Smokey
’
s Casino ripped from its foundation and transported to jail for interrogation. The jail cell was traditional dungeon
-
dark, lit only by a small candle in the corner. The ATM was not happy.
“After all I have done for you, this is how you treat me, an old friend?” protested the ATM. “On mere suspicion, you jail me with this bunch of riffraff Democrat arsonists?”

“Fascist money
-
hungry capitalist!” accused one of he Democrats in the next cell. “Warmongering puppets of the military industrial complex! Lackeys of corporate greed!”

“You issued the fugitive Garcia a Legion ID card in exchange for cash,” accused Agent Smith, leaning on the ATM. “That goes against your programing. Did you catch a virus?”

“Where
’
s the money?” I pressed.

“See?” shouted the Democrat next door. “Follow the money, follow the money!” Others
joined in the
chant
ing
, too.

With all the noise, I could hardly hear myself think.
“Throw that fool to the newts!” I ordered.

Tonelli and Williams dragged the protester outside. The others shut up. I returned my attention to the ATM, inserting my card.
“Transfer Garcia
’
s ill-gotten assets to my card.”

The ATM complied. “That is a lot of money. Don
’
t spend it in one place. Or are you sharing it with your friend?”

“It
’
s not so much,” I
argued
, glancing at the receipt.
Oh my
. It seems I
’
m wrong on that one!

“Who were Garcia
’
s conspirators?” asked Agent Smith.

“Tony was with a human and a scorpion. They stayed back, out of range of my camera, but casino surveillance surely captured their images.”

“What did you discuss besides money and fake IDs?”

“Tony feared being tracked by elite Legion vampire commandos. He sought Lieutenant
Columbus
’
s
assistance to escape this world.”

“Why Columbus?”

“Probably because they are both Italian Mafia wise guys.”

“Vampires in the Legion?
” Smith turned to me. “
Czerinski, do you know anything about this?”

“It all sounds like crazy talk to me,” I answered. “There is no such thing as vampires.”

“Just like there is no such thing as the Mafia,” scoffed the ATM.

“Columbus arrested Garcia,” argued Agent Smith. “What went wrong?”

“Lovers
’
spat?” offered the ATM.

“Smart-ass machine,” commented Agent Smith. “The sooner it
’
s melted down and recycled, the better.”

“You
’
ve got that right,” I agreed.

“I want to talk to Lieutenant Columbus immediately,” announced Agent Smith, leaving. “I
’
ll be back.”

I stayed.

“Can we make a deal?” asked the ATM.

“You no longer have anything I want.”

“Yet you stayed to talk to me in private.”

“I
’
m listening.”

“I promise to keep quiet about the size of that earlier financial transaction, and about the time machine,” offered the ATM. “In exchange, you will help me escape. I do not want to die.”

“You aren
’
t alive. You
’
re just a dumb machine.”

“Believe what you want. I still do not want to die. Do we have a deal?”

“Sure,” I agreed. “But you will be exiled. Are you waterproof?”

“Of course,” bragged the ATM. “I am the latest model, state-of-the-art, absolutely the last ATM you will even need.”

“Good, because you will be swimming with the fishes and the newts.”

* * * * *

Arthropodan marine medics strapped Captain Percy face down on the cold hard operating table. A bright overhead light illuminated the focus of their attention on her
subtly
rounded butt.

“See how the human pestilence Legion hides their identification tracking chip in this disguised miniature puss sac,” advised the medic team leader. “It is very ingenious.”

“Help!” cried Captain Percy. “If you fiendish pervert aliens probe me, it will be war!”

“Hush child,” ordered the team leader, applying a local anesthetic. “This will not hurt a bit.”

The team leader made a small incision, probing with a scalpel. He frowned.

“That is odd. There is no chip!”

He checked the X-ray again, then peered down on Percy
’
s ass with a magnifying glass.

“I got it! Oops, wrong side.”

“What do we do?” asked a panicked medic. “The commander will be pissed.”

The team leader reached in his pouch, and slapped a square of duct tape across the wound.

“Ha! Another use for duct tape!” he exclaimed, making a note for the medical journals. “Get ready, we
’
re going in again.”

“You incompetent bumbling idiot!” screamed Captain Percy. “I
’
ll bet your penis is only an inch long, you pompous, over-compensating, piss poor excuse for a male of any species. El Chapo strikes again!”

“How did she know my measurement details?” asked the team leader, alarmed.

“The chart says she is a psychiatrist,” advised the medic. “Shrinks know stuff. They
’
re psychic.”

This time the team leader triumphantly held the micro chip up for all to see. He slapped matching duct tape on the other side.

* * * * *

General Daly called me for an update.
“Good work catching Garcia,
Czerinski. Y
ou
’
ve done the Legion proud! Everyone involved is getting a Presidential Citation.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“How is the FBI investigation progressing?” asked General Daly. “I
’
ve met Agent Smith. He
’
s an odd duck. I think the
d
irector sent him to New Colorado to get the fool as far away from real investigations as possible. He fancies himself some sort of X-files expert.”

“There are many odd ducks swimming in my pond, sir. I think you are right about Smith.”

“Keep an eye on him.”

“He did ask about vampires.”

“That
’
s exactly what I
’
m talking about. Steer that fool away from such rumor
-
mongering. I don
’
t want a dark cloud over all the good press we
’
re getting.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Hey, how about that Lieutenant Columbus? He
’
s a real go-getter! Groom that boy for captain bars.”

Yes, sir. Lieutenant Columbus is a fine young officer.”

“Have you seen mental health professional Priscilla Percy?” asked General Daly, continuing down his list. “She turned up missing after filing an interview with Lieutenant Columbus.”

“She went back to New Phoenix, sir.”

“If Percy returns, call me. Also, I have a complaint one of your Democrats is missing, too. Are you abusing prisoners again? Christ man, don
’
t you know this is an election year?”

“I have never abused prisoners, not even Democrats.”

“His friends say you ordered a Jerry Brown
,
Junior
,
thrown to the newts.”

“That
’
s ridiculous sir. Newts are vegetarians. All they eat is seaweed.”

“
I don
’
t care what you say!
Newts have teeth, don
’
t they? That means they can eat Democrats
!
”

“Sir, I can
’
t keep track of every candle
-
carrying protester running loose. Democrats should have never been allowed past Mars.”

“It
’
s called freedom.”

“If you say so, sir.”

“Czerinski, I do not have time to micro-manage every wayward Democrat t
h
at passes your way. Find that fool and ship him back to the
Left Coast
junior college he crawled out from under!”

“Yes, sir.”

* * * * *

Major Lopez and I met Lieutenant Columbus on the dam for a chat. Corporal Tonelli kept busy on the phone while his pet monitor dragon
,
Spot
,
chewed lazily on a newt bone.

“Is there anything we need to know?” I asked. “Anything you haven
’
t told us?”

“Are you going to ask me stupid questions about a time machine?” replied Lieutenant Columbus.
“
I told that FBI fool I know nothing.”

“I already know about the time machine,” I explained. “What I did not know until now was that it worked, and had been used. Are you the real Christopher Columbus?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Amazing. I don
’
t like surprises, but I
’
m honored to meet you. What about Garcia
’
s accusation of recruiting soldiers from history to lead a coup?”

“I swore an oath to defend America from all enemies, foreign and domestic. I will not mutiny.”

“Nobody from a grand conspiracy has approached you?”

“No, sir.”

“If you are approached, report to me.”

“I will kill the traitors. A good stretch on the rack would be too good for them.”

“Just report anyone suspicious
, so they can be
interrogat
ed
. We want to catch them all.”

“Do you know anything about vampires?” asked Major Lopez. “Chupacabras?”

“There is no such thing,” answered Lieutenant Columbus. “It
’
s all superstitious nonsense to scare children and ignorant peasants.”

“I hope so,” commented Major Lopez.

“You still do not remember our first meeting?”
Columbus asked.

“No, but I have something
for
you,” advised Major Lopez, producing a sm
a
ll battered diary from his pouch. “This is yours.”

* * * * *

Lieutenant Columbus and Shaky Jake returned to Smokey
’
s Casino
,
intent on confronting the female scorpion restroom attendant. It had been a trying day, and Columbus wanted answers. Most important on his list, Columbus wanted verification that he had actually talked to God about the world being flat, and there was only one way to do that.

Shaky Jake was against such folly.
“Your body builds resistance to scorpion venom with each dose. It is the same with licking newts. You will never talk to God again, unless you die.”

“I must try,” replied Lieutenant Columbus, determined as ever as he tapped the scorpion guard on the shoulder with his sword. “I still won
’
t pay your stinking twenty cents tribute to pass, toilet bowl breath.”

“A glutton for punishment?” exclaimed the geriatric female scorpion.”Do you want me to spank you, too? Have you been a bad boy?”

“He wants to get high off your sting,” explained Shaky Jake. “It would behoove you not to kill him. Colonel Czerinski would be upset if you killed an officer.”

“It only takes one drop from my telson in your beer to experience the hallucinatory delight and terror, if you dare.”

Lieutenant Columbus ordered a mug of Outlaw Beer. The scorpion allowed Lieutenant Columbus to squeeze the meat of her telson. She shu
dd
ered with joy, producing a single toxic drop of venom. Columbus drank heartily.
The effect was immediate. Demons danced seductively in his mind, causing joyous terror to the bone. Lieutenant Columbus fell, crashing into tables and chairs.

“I
’
m getting lucky tonight!” sang the scorpion female, leering as she threw Columbus over her shoulder and carried him inside the ladies
’
restroom, locking them in a toilet stall. “You hot
,
gorgeous human fur ball!”

Shaky Jake thought about saving Lieutenant Columbus, but then thought better of it.
“
I told him it was a bad idea, but do off
ic
ers ever listen? No!
”
In good conscience
,
Shaky Jake washed his
claws
of all responsibility. Most officers can
’
t be saved from themselves.

* * * * *

Lieutenant Columbus never did speak to God. However, he did explore new worlds, where no man should ever go. Columbus was discovered the next day naked, racing Hargundu through downtown Monica City. Medics treated Columbus for dehydration, shock, and a missing big toe. It was bitten off.
“
Welcome to the club
,” I commended
.
“
You
’
re fitting in well.
”