Lieutenant Columbus (19 page)

“
I
’
m not getting on that thing,
”
I answered.
“
I
’
m afraid of heights.
”

“
Oh come on
,
Czerinski,
”
goaded Coen.
“
A mighty Hero of the Legion like you isn
’
t afraid of anything, are you?
You
’
re not chicken?
Are you?
”

“
Shut up, Coen, or I
’
ll strap your ass to the tracks.
”

“
We are broadcasting live to the galaxy,
”
admonished Coen.
“
How about you, Major Lopez?
Are you braver than your commander.
”

“
Fuck you,
bendaho
.
”

“
Yes, Lopez is riding,
”
I corrected.
“
That
’
s an order.
Think of all the votes you will get
, Mr. Future VP
.
”

“
You
’
re a punk,
”
advised Major Lopez, as he joined the line of spiders boarding the roller coaster.
“
If I die, I
’
ll get you for this!
”

“
Smile for the cameras.
”

* * * * *

The roller coaster cars slowly trudged up Spider Mountain.
At the top
,
they paused for the view, then raced down, doing an upside-down loop, splashing through water, and entering a dark tunnel.
The press and visitors took photos as the cars raced by.
Major Lopez waved back, giving me the one fingered salute.
Thrilled spider marines fired their weapons in the air.

Leaving the tunnel, the cars jumped the tracks on a curve, spilling riders through the air.
It was horrible.
A total disaster.
Not good.

Miraculously, some survived.
Major Lopez and a few spiders were dumped into Peter Pan Lake, saved by the cushioning
e
ffect of the water.
The spider Military Intelligence officer popped up next to Lopez.
They both shared a moment of relief.

However, in keeping with the Peter Pan Neverland theme, the lake had been stocked with crocodiles.
Just when
it seemed
safe to go back into the water
–
chomp
!
–
the spider Military Intelligence officer was gone in a splash and death roll.
Major Lopez climbed atop a floating car, shooting at any ripple in the water.

Talk about bad press!

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Chapter 2

The spiders
’
reaction was immediate.
Arthropodan jets screamed low overhead, bombing and strafing Spider Mountain, Sleeping Beauty
’
s Castle, and several crocs.
Rockets arced up from the summit, downing several aircraft.
Soon smoked rolled out from Spider Mountain as it caught fire like a big volcano.
I put a pistol to the spider commander
’
s head.
“
Order the bombing to stop, or you will not survive the day!
”

“
Fine!
I expect to be repatriated immediately.
”

“
You stay.
You
’
re not shocked and awed enough yet.
”

“
Does this mean the grand opening of Galactic Disney will be delayed?
”
asked Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight.
“
Keep filming!
I want all of this!
”

“
This is just a minor bump in the road,
”
I advised, as Legion jets fired smart bombs at Spider Marine Headquarters in New Gobi City.
“
The free publicity may even help.
”

“
Stop bombing civilians!
”
demanded the spider commander.
“
Your provocations will not be tolerated!
”

“
Collateral damage is to be expected,
”
I advised
as Legion jets began their bombing runs
.
“
You shouldn
’
t have bombed Sleeping Beauty
’
s Castle.
And the Forest Service is going to be real upset about those dead crocs.
”

“
It seemed like a good idea at the time,
”
replied the spider commander, contritely.
“
Do you realize I have to get another Military Intelligence officer?
Do you think Military Intelligence officers grow on trees?
”

“
Whatever.
”

The Legion jets circled about, wagging their wings
for
their last flyby before
head
ing south.
The spider commander and I shook hands and claw on the new truce, pledging to make Galactic Disney the happiest place in the galaxy, pending neutral inspections of the inside of Spider Mountain.

* * * * *

I was right about the free publicity.
On opening day, long lines formed on both sides of the DMZ.
I increased Legion security at the gates to prevent cheapskate spiders from sneaking in discount food and drinks.
The Grand opening was not without controversy.
Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight was on the story, in his usual confrontational style.
“Colonel Czerinski, isn’t it true that unsuspecting guests and their families at Fantasyland expecting to meet Alice, ride a magic caterpillar following a white rabbit down a hole and through a doorknob, past Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, only to find themselves dumped in your casino to be greeted by topless showgirl Alices and a drunk Mickey Mouse? What kind of wholesome entertainment is that? Walt Disney would turn in his grave knowing such debauchery was allowed in Galactic Disney.”

“
Welcome to the magic
,
”
I retorted.
“
I have it on good authority that Walt was consulted, and approves of my casino.
”

“
Walt Disney?
”

“
No, the other Walt.
What difference does it make?
The topless Alices are very popular, and the Cheshire Kat Casino is one of the most popular Galactic Disney rides.
I
’
m just providing what the public wants.
”

“
I don
’
t know who this other Walt is, but he
’
s a pervert.
I
suspect you are dealing drugs, too.
”

“
What is your point?
”
I asked, exasperated.
“
All rumors about magic pixie dust are untrue.
Pixie dust can’t get a fly high.
Galactic Disney is a delicate balance of government working with private investors, human and alien culture, and galactic diplomacy.
We already had one war here, so don
’
t be rocking the boat.
”

“
What about reports that organized crime has infiltrated Galactic Disney?
”

“
The Mafia?
”
I asked, shocked at such rumor
-
mongering.
“
That
’
s nonsense.
The Mafia
never
got past Mars.
”

“
What is the Yab Yum Club?
”
asked Coen, checking a list.

“
Yab Yum is a spider enterprise,
”
I answered, angrily.
“
I have nothing to do with the Yab Yum.
That bastard spider commander owns a monopoly on Yab Yums.
”

“
But what is Yab Yum?
”
pressed Coen.
“
What are you hiding?
”

“
I told you, it
’
s run by the spiders.
I haven
’
t even been to the Yab Yum yet.
Try to say
‘
Yum Yab yet
’
three times real fast.
It can
’
t be done.
”

“
My sources say the Yab Yum Club is a brothel.
I
intend
to investigate the matter with a film crew.
”

“
I wouldn
’
t do that if I was you.
That part of Galactic Disney is under Arthropodan jurisdiction.
If you get arrested, there is no bail for human pestilence.
”

“
This is outrageous!
How did the spiders get a business license to run a brothel at Galactic Disney?
”

“
I agree totally.
The spiders refused to pay me the business license fee and set up shop all on their own.
The girls aren
’
t even Teamsters.
Claim to be independent contractors, or some such rubbish.
I
’
ll have you know we run a proper closed shop for all Galactic Disney employees.
”

“
When I am through investigating your malfeasance, I
’
ll have you relieved of command.
It is a disgrace in the first place that the Butcher of New Colorado manages Galactic Disney.
You have betrayed the public trust at every level.
”

“
Now see here, Coen.
I get enough bad press without you rabble
-
rousing.
Causing problems for me is one thing, but you will not be allowed to cause bad press for Galactic Disney.
”

“
Freedom of the press is an important check and balance on people like you.
”

“
That does it!
You are under arrest for being an undesirable at Galactic Disney.
You will be the first to visit our new dungeon.
I hope you get tortured.
”

“
What?
Tortured?
You can
’
t do this.
I have c
onstitutional rights!
”

“
I hope Mickey Mouse chews your testicles off,
”
I said dismissively, as legionnaires pounced on Coen.
“
Everyone is a jailhouse lawyer.
You should read up on colonial law.
”

“
How dare you!
I am a personal friend of President Miller!
I
’
ll have your job!
”

“
That
’
s not going to help,
”
advised Major Lopez, supervising legionnaires thumping Coen.
“
Stretch Coen on the rack
until he admits to being a Democrat
!
”

AGFL
Book 16: Galactic Disney
,
coming soon
!

###

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