Life as I Know It (25 page)

For me, the pleasure
had gone out of the evening after Dan’s revelation about his mother. We ordered takeout and rented a DVD. Dan didn’t want to leave Pat on his own for the evening and I could see that he was devoted to his father. The three of us ate together in the front room while Patrick made derisive comments about our choice of film.

My thoughts were in turmoil as I tried to concentrate on the screen. After my reluctance to make a commitment in my previous relationship with Stephen, or with anyone since, it seemed so unfair that now I wanted to throw myself body and soul into this relationship with Dan but there were so many obstacles stacking up against us. Just when I’d decided to trust Dan with my secret, the knowledge of his mother’s illness loomed between us like an impossible stumbling block.

It seemed incongruous that it was the parent who was no longer alive who presented the biggest hurdle, I thought, as my eyes stared unseeingly at the TV screen. Patrick himself wasn’t a problem. Although he was dependent on his son, he seemed to
like me and I him, and I felt we could get along reasonably comfortably together. I chewed on the rather rubbery chicken madras, my eyes still fixed on the screen, and hoped that nothing would happen in the early hours of the Richardson household that might endanger this fragile new relationship. If I collapsed in front of Patrick he would probably immediately think of what had happened with his own young wife, and my copybook would be well and truly blotted.

At a quarter to eleven the film finished and I asked Dan to take me home. He’d obviously sensed the change in my demeanor, because he sat quietly in the car, hardly speaking unless I spoke first.

When he drew the Shogun up in the space outside my flat, I had a favor to ask him, but wasn’t sure how to broach the subject when we had been so distant with each other on the way home.

I turned to face him in the dark interior of the car. “I was wondering,” I started hesitantly, “if you would take Frankie home for the night. I don’t feel brilliant and I wouldn’t like her to be neglected in the morning if I have to stay in bed.”

Dan was immediately contrite. “Why didn’t you say you weren’t well? I… I thought you didn’t like my father, or the food, or the film…”

“Your father’s great, Dan, a real character. It’s just I’m still not myself after what happened on Saturday, that’s all. It took a lot out of me and I seem to get tired very easily. I’ve got a bit of a headache.”

“Of course I’ll take Frankie.” He leaned over and kissed me. “Are you sure you’ll be all right on your own? You’re not still having those turns, are you?”

“No, I’ll be fine. I’m going to have a very long sleep and I’m sure I’ll be much better in the morning.”

I watched as Dan nosed the car out of the turnaround, Frankie’s whiskery face peering back at me forlornly from the rear seat. As soon as they were out of sight I rummaged in my bag for my house keys and walked the short distance in the darkness across the grass, down the steps, and into my courtyard. Before unlocking the door, I went to the gutter and checked for the spare key. It was exactly where I’d left it. Without further ado, I opened the door and walked into the silence of my empty flat.

I awoke to pandemonium. Someone was banging on my bedroom door and I could hear shrieking coming from the garden below my window. Bounding out of bed, I unlocked the door to find Toby standing on the landing jumping up and down excitedly.

“Mummy, Blackie and Ginny are loose in the garden! Nicole went to feed them ’cos Sophie was still at the sleepover and they fell out of the hutch. The shed door was open and they ran away!”

“Is someone trying to catch them?”

“Auntie Karen is running around but she’s huffing and puffing. She can’t get them.”

I went into the dressing room and pulled on a pair of jersey trousers and an angora sweater, then followed Toby downstairs and out into the garden. Karen was trying to shoo the rabbit into a corner by the shed, but every time she thought she had it cornered it slipped from her grasp and bolted away down the garden.

Grant must have fetched Sophie home during the morning, because she was back now and tearing around after her pet. Meanwhile, Nicole was lying on the grass near the shed, peering into the gap underneath and calling Ginny loudly, with rising hysteria in her voice.

“Having fun?” I asked Karen as she threw her hands up in despair.

“You’ve decided to join us then,” she panted sarcastically, pushing a damp spike of her brown hair from her forehead.

I grinned. “I’ll tell you what. Sophie can head Blackie off and send her back this way, then you and I can corner her between us.”

Sophie ran behind the frightened rabbit and shooed her toward us. I told Karen to stay very still. I crouched down, and as soon as Blackie was within reach I made a dive for her, scooping her up in my arms. I held her for a moment until her heart had stopped pounding wildly beneath her soft fur, then handed her to Sophie, who cuddled the rabbit to her chest.

“I assume Ginny has gone under the shed?”

Nicole nodded, her face tearstained. “She’ll get eaten if we don’t get her out. I saw a fox this morning, sitting by the shed.”

“She’ll come out when it’s quiet. Look, we’ll put a box right by the shed with some greens and carrot in it. She’ll come out to nibble and then you can catch her.”

I went indoors to fetch some greens from the kitchen and found Grant standing at the window.

“Are you beginning to wish you hadn’t let them have the animals?” he asked, giving me an I-told-you-so look.

“No, I still think it’s a good idea. It gives them some responsibility, instead of being stuck in front of the TV whenever they’re not out.”

He stared at me as if he was going to say something else, but apparently thought better of it.

“I might leave the children with Karen and do a bit of shopping this afternoon,” I said as I pulled greens and carrots out of
the vegetable rack and headed toward the utility room. “I need some casual clothes.”

Grant’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “It didn’t take long for the ‘new you’ to go sloping off leaving me and the children, did it?”

“I’m only popping out to the shops, Grant. I won’t be gone more than a couple of hours.”

“You haven’t forgotten our dinner together tonight, have you?”

“No, of course not.” I turned to look at him before going out of the back door. “I thought we might take the children to the four o’clock showing of the new Disney film, then leave them with Karen while we go out for our meal on our own.”

I watched him struggle with himself. It was obvious he wanted to object, but in the end he merely shrugged.

“Whatever you want, Lauren.”

It took another half an hour to catch Ginny, who predictably stuck her head out to inspect the food when everyone except Nicole and me had returned to the house. I swooped on her before she had a chance to retreat, and handed her to Nicole, who sniffled into the guinea pig’s tan, black, and white fur with relief. I thought again what a gentle child Nicole was, and I stroked her hair affectionately as she cuddled her pet. She gazed up at me and smiled, and I found myself smiling back and thinking that all these children needed was for someone to love them.

Back indoors, Karen was sitting with the other children in the playroom, watching Teddy as he hunched, completely absorbed, over another masterpiece. Toby was scribbling on a piece of paper and Sophie was trying to plait her own hair.

“Alice has her hair in braids,” she said, glancing up at me. “Can’t I have beads in mine?”

“I take it you had a fun sleepover last night,” I said with a smile. “Were there many girls there?”

“Four of us, including Alice. Her mum lets Alice paint her nails with sparkly varnish, and she’s got new shoes.”

“Your shoes look quite new to me. How long have you had them?”

“I’ve had these since last vacation. But they aren’t the new sort. Alice has got the very latest ones.”

“It can’t have been more than six weeks since summer vacation ended,” I reminded her. “And you can’t wear those on a school day, so I’ll tell you what. We’ll go shopping in the Christmas holidays for ordinary shoes, and if there’s anything special that you see, we’ll buy them for you for Christmas.”

“That’s ages away! How comes Alice doesn’t have to wait until Christmas?”

“She probably had hers for her birthday.”

“She did not.”

“I’ll go into town this afternoon and fetch a catalog from the shoe shop. Then you can look through it and choose what you’d like ready for when you can have them. That’s my best offer.”

Sophie pouted, but didn’t argue further.

I beckoned Karen into the kitchen and asked her if she minded watching the children while I popped out.

Karen eyed me suspiciously. “You’re not really going out just to pick up a catalog on shoes, are you? Can’t it wait? I really wanted to talk to you this morning but it’s already nearly twelve. After what you told me yesterday I couldn’t sleep last night.”

I busied myself making coffee while considering my answer. I’d leapt out of bed so quickly earlier that I hadn’t even had a drink yet. I lowered my voice so we wouldn’t be overheard.

“Actually, I’m going to drive to Epsom and see what happens if I turn up at Jessica’s flat.”

“Bloody hell, Lauren. Do you think that’s a good idea?” she exclaimed. “How can you do that? I mean, suppose you come face-to-face with her?”

“I don’t think that can happen. I can only be Lauren or Jessica, not both at the same time.”

Clearly agitated, Karen grabbed the cup I handed to her, took a big gulp, and spat half of it back out.

“Ah! That’s hot!”

I sipped at my own coffee more cautiously, watching as Karen wiped up what she’d spilled onto the pristine white counter when she’d jumped.

“The thing is, I want to know that Jessica and I really are both real,” I whispered. “I know that sounds ridiculous, but what if this is simply a dream I’m having after all?”

“Or maybe there are two alternate universes or something, and Jessica isn’t even sharing the same planet with Lauren?” Karen suggested grimly.

I stared at her, thinking she was making fun of me, but she raised an eyebrow and I realized her “open mind” had been working overtime through the night.

“Don’t!” I hissed. “It’s too scary to even contemplate.”

“I want to know what’s going on as much as you do,” she said. “Can’t I come with you?”

“I need to go by myself first. I want to see if Jessica is still there while I’m being Lauren. The problem is the time difference. I don’t want to put you in any danger, and anyway, I need you to watch the children.”

“This is madness,” Karen murmured weakly, rubbing a hand over her face. “Please tell me that this isn’t happening.”

“Okay, it isn’t happening. I’m popping out to do a bit of shopping and I’ll bring back some information on shoes for Sophie. Is that better?”

She stared at me anxiously, ignoring my glib lie. “What if you get stuck somewhere between the two times or two places? What will happen to Grant and the children if you don’t come back?”

I felt my face drain of color. I hadn’t thought of that.

“I’ll be careful. I won’t change anything of Jessica’s that might affect Lauren.”

“How can you possibly know? You don’t know anything about what you’re getting into.” She put out a hand and squeezed my arm. “Please, Lauren. If you’re right, I’ve lost one sister already. I don’t want to lose you, too.”

“I can’t just live out Lauren’s life not knowing if there’s a way back. I need to go, Karen. It’s something I’ve got to do. I’m only going to look.”

“I think you’re being selfish,” Karen said, dropping her hand and surveying me angrily. “Perhaps you’re more like the old Lauren than you think. You didn’t arrive here by accident. I’ve been thinking about it all night, and I believe that if you do exist in two places it’s because some greater power put you with this family. Because you were needed here. Are needed here. Don’t meddle, please, Lauren.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, finishing the last of my coffee. “Can you get the children’s lunch for me? I simply have to go and look.”

It took me over half an hour of driving in what I assumed was the general right direction before I came to any signs I remotely recognized. Eventually I joined the busy A3, passing signs to Guildford and Woking, then continued along the M25 until I saw the sign for Leatherhead, where I took the exit and continued
on toward Epsom. I had been pleasantly surprised at the lack of traffic on the M25, a road I had always avoided if possible in the past. As I left the main road the sky grew darker, and I wondered if there was going to be a storm. There seemed to be hardly any other cars on the road. I switched on my running lights and then my headlights, until, as I came into Epsom itself, at about one-thirty, I noticed the day had grown so dark that the streetlights had come on.

As I turned the Galaxy into the space outside the flat and killed the engine, I realized that although my car clock was still reading 1:40, it must be 1:40 in the early hours of the morning here. Quietly, so as not to disturb my neighbors’ sleep, I climbed out of the car and pressed the driver’s door closed behind me, passing my own little blue car parked in its usual spot.

As stealthily as I could, I tiptoed across the grass and down the steps into my courtyard, where I found the key stuck exactly where I’d left it behind the gutter. Turning the key in the lock, I pushed the door open and stepped inside.

The house was dark and silent, and I was thankful that I’d had the foresight to ask Dan to take Frankie home with him. Whether she would have recognized me in Lauren I didn’t know, but it certainly would have confused the poor animal, and she might have woken the neighbors if she’d barked at me.

I let out a long, slow breath, closed the door behind me, and snapped on the living room lights. My little home was exactly as I’d left it the previous night when I’d gone to bed. I walked softly into the bedroom and stared at the sleeping figure in the bed. I didn’t turn the light on in the bedroom, but stood silently in the shadows staring at the still form of Jessica, listening to her shallow but steady breathing.