Lily of the Valley (13 page)

Alana slides down along Lily’s body, until her mouth comes to rest on her clit and I have to stop touching myself. Lily moans in pleasure and looks at me. I need to fuck her, to touch her, to kiss her, but she’s enjoying Alana’s mouth way too much for me to interfere. I feel the insistent throbbing in my cock grow faster while Lily comes and keeps her eyes on me. Alana smiles and suggests they switch places. When she takes Lily’s hand and shows her how to stroke her pussy, I can’t wait any longer.

I get up and position myself behind Lily. My fingers move into her wet cunt almost on their own and she sighs, while fingering Alana beneath her.

“I want to fuck you while you eat her pussy,” I tell Lily. “Do you want that, Alana?”

“God, yes. Lily, please.”

“C’mon, princess. Spread your legs for me. Let me come inside,” I plead.

Lily moves her head between Alana’s legs, while lifting her hips and spreading her own legs for me. I can’t even tease her since I need her so badly and I clutch her hips as I shove myself deep. I grab her hair and fuck her from behind while Alana holds Lily’s face tight between her thighs. Alana’s nails leave red lines down Lily’s back. All the times I’ve done this before disappear. Lily is not another girl. She’s not an anonymous fuck or a plaything. She is beautiful and sexy and willing and perfect.

Her orgasm is intense, but her cries are lost against Alana’s body. She collapses under me and I can’t hold on to her. The twitching spasms run through her and Alana smiles when she sees what Lily has been reduced to. I haven’t come yet, and I need to come. I don’t even know how I’ve held back.

“Watch me fuck her,” I tell Lily and I drag Alana over to the desk chair. I bend her over in front of me and watch Lily as I slip into Alana. I wish that it didn’t feel as good as it does, because I feel a hint of guilt as my cock reacts to the clenching of Alana’s pussy. However, Lily never ceases to surprise me. Instead of being upset or shocked or even a little angry, she sits up and slides her fingers into herself. Alana is screaming my name and I close my eyes, trying to hang on. I want to come in Lily, but it’s growing impossible when I look at her. I slow my motions, but Alana comes around me still. I open my eyes to see if Lily is still playing along. She has three fingers shoved all the way in her cunt and then she starts to orgasm. I think I may be able to hold on a little longer until Lily cries, “Fuck me again. I want to be the one to make you come.”

I want that too – so much – and it’s too late. I come across Alana’s back and Lily finger fucks herself to orgasm. We all end up lying in bed together, touching and letting our mouths explore even though we’re all worn out.

“Happy birthday, princess,” I tell Lily, while my lips run along her collarbone.

She starts playing with Alana again and I respond by mimicking her movements on her own clit. I think we’re all done, however, until she grins and takes my cock into her mouth. I don’t want to come like this. I want her – all of her.

“Ride me, honey,” I beg. “It’s your birthday. It’s all about you.”

Alana masturbates while Lily climbs on top of me and moves slowly. It’s sensual and wonderful and I fall so desperately in love with her it hurts. She continually surprises me and does so again when she fingers Alana, ensuring that everyone orgasms before the night is over.

“Lily, you are absolutely perfect,” I tell her and reach up to brush my fingertips along her back.

“You only think that because I’m fucking you,” she teases.

Although that might have been true a month ago, there is so much more happening, but I don’t want to ruin tonight by thinking about it. Guys like me don’t get to talk to girls like Lily, never mind fuck them. At the very least, I know she’ll never forget me and tonight. I need to stop hoping for more. Sometimes you have to take what you can get and not demand anything else from the universe.

Chapter 12

Waking up next to Lily, with her arm across my chest, makes me feel like everything is perfect. My entire life disappears for the second in between sleep and wakefulness and it’s all about her.

Alana’s sitting at my desk, dressed, and she’s reading one of my books. Lily’s still asleep, so I turn my head to the side.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” she says. “I need to get going soon.”

“Okay, do you want me to wake her?”

“No, give her a little more time. She needs it.” She smiles, but it’s genuine. There’s no longer the unspoken criticism in her eyes that existed in her car the night before. “She’s wonderful, Jack.”

I grin like a little kid. “Isn’t she?”

Alana’s eyes grow dark. “She is. But you are, too. If things don’t work… If she changes her mind… Please swear to me…”

“I won’t. I promise.”

She nods, but she doesn’t believe me. The scary thing is that I don’t really believe me, either. I’ve forced myself to make this what it is, to resist how I’ve been feeling, but I can’t deny that I’m scared. When Lily finds out who I am, when she realizes what I come from, she will run away. I know I’m not boyfriend material and I don’t want her to fall in love with me, because I’ll never be the sort of guy she needs. She’s the type of girl who has boyfriends, who goes on dates, who brings guys home to meet her parents. I’m none of those things and I’ll never be able to be those things. And yet, I’m already dreading how and when this will end.

I have to turn it off, because Alana’s right. When I give in to emotions like this, it ends badly. Last time, it ended with a noose in my bedroom closet.

“You have to let it go, Jack.”

“I’m trying,” I say. “But I know what’s coming.”

“Look, even if things fall apart, she cares for you
now
,” Alana says. “She thinks you’re worth it, because you’re better than you think you are. You deserve more than you think you do.”

I don’t respond to that, because it doesn’t resonate with me. Still, I appreciate the attempt.

Lily stirs next to me and I almost bend down to kiss her good morning, before I think again of how painful this will be when it ends. Instead, I get up and get dressed.

“I have to leave, Lily,” Alana says. “Walk out with me?”

Lily looks at me, but I turn away, trying not to feel anything.

“Sure. Just let me get dressed.”

Alana hugs me goodbye, but I keep my eyes down. After they leave, I go to my desk and I’m about to pick up the book Alana was reading when my phone buzzes. It’s my grandmother.

“Yeah?” I answer. I pick up the book and shove it into the bookshelf.

“Jack, I’ve been calling you all morning.” She sounds agitated and I glance at the clock. It’s nearly noon. Oops.

“What’s up?”

“They had an emergency meeting with the lawyers last night. Your father’s case is being fast tracked, but you have to go see him today.”

“Why?”

And just like that, the real world comes crashing down over me. All my happiness, all my escape, all my hope of something else was for nothing, because this shit will fucking haunt me forever.

“They want you to see him today, so they can assess his relationship with you. To see that he’s trying to reconcile.”

“We don’t
have
a relationship. As I have told you over and over.”

“Please, Jack. It’s important. He needs you.”

“What about me? What about what I need? Does anyone ever think about that? Maybe I was going to have one good day in my sad, pathetic fucking life. But no, drop that. Drop everything because your murderer dad needs you.”

“You’re being unreasonable. It’s an hour at most.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“It has to be today, though,” she reminds me.

“Of course. Perfect. I’ll head over in a bit.”

“Thanks, Jack.”

“Yeah, sure,” I say and hang up.

I could have said no. I could’ve pretended for just one more day that I lived in a world where a girl like Lily would come back to my room and we’d snuggle and then go out for brunch and maybe sit in the park and talk about our futures. But why bother? Because I don’t have a future and doing those things with her would only make the inevitable hurt that much more.

I clutch my phone in my hand and try not to feel broken, try not to hate her for being beautiful enough – both inside and out – to provide a reprieve of a few days.

She comes back in the room and her eyes are sad. I wonder if Alana said something, but whatever it was, it was probably the right thing to say. The phone call from my grandmother just solidified the fact that this has been nothing but a stolen moment in time.

“What happened?” She looks concerned, but she doesn’t walk forward.

I shove my phone in my pocket. This isn’t her fault and it isn’t her problem. It’s her birthday weekend and I’ll make today count. I can always back away tomorrow. She’ll need to go back to her room eventually and my dad isn’t going anywhere.

“Nothing. So, what should we do today? Wanna go for a ride? It’s nice out and-”

“Just tell me what happened,” she says.

“There are some things you don’t need to know about me, princess. Nor do you want to.”

“You could give me a chance.”

“Yeah? You want to hear about my fucked up life? Are you gonna rescue me?” She doesn’t deserve it, I know, but my anger at the fact that she doesn’t belong in my world is hard to keep hidden.

“I can’t even rescue myself,” she says sadly. I can’t imagine what she needs rescuing from, but we don’t move in the same circles and I don’t want to shatter her illusions.

“Look, just let me deal with my own shit. It’s your birthday. What do you want to do?”

“I want to get to know you.”

“No, you don’t.”

I go to where she’s standing and pull her body tight against mine. Rage is tightening all my muscles, but Lily tries to soften it. She kisses down my neck and takes my cock out, teasing me and trying to make things okay. Of course, I get hard and I hate that she already knows how to make me need her.

Pissed, I throw her onto the bed and enter her. This is what I know. This is how I deal with things. This is why, no matter how much she makes me imagine and dream of something else, I will never belong in her life. For every thrust, for every ounce of pleasure, there is an equal measure of pain, of knowing that it won’t be long before Lily recognizes that this is
all
that I am. I don’t want to stop because I love being with her like this, but also because this is the only way I
can
be with her.

I feel the orgasm coming and I give into it, trying to forget that it will be one moment closer to ending this. As my body rocks in total bliss, my heart shatters.

“Oh, Lily,” I cry, half in ecstasy and half in agony, and then I fall on top of her. I feel the tears before they actually emerge, and they’re unfamiliar. I don’t cry. I don’t feel. I don’t let it stop me. It’s dangerous to feel this much.

Lily doesn’t speak, but she wraps her arms around me and cradles me, as if she could love me, as if I could be worthy of her touch. “Talk to me,” she begs, but there is nothing I can say to her. I am nothing. I give nothing and I take so much.

Her eyes are gentle as they meet mine, but it stings to know that she’s oblivious to what I am. I want her to be happy, to have memories of me that bring a smile to her face, but all I have to offer is physical. I stop my sobbing and smile. My hand moves between her legs, because I
know
I can do this well and I know she’ll remember me well for it. Let her think I’m an asshole when I stop talking to her tomorrow. At least she will have had fun.

She doesn’t argue and, in fact, she’s far more receptive than I would have expected. A low growl comes from her and I realize that my touch does to her what hers does to me. It’s an amazing feeling and I let it drown out all the doubts and fears that plague me.

We have sex again, but it’s simple. Nothing kinky, nothing rough, and nothing more than the base physical act, but we both come and that satisfies me. I wish it wasn’t going to be the last time, but I have to see my dad and I don’t know how to send her away.

I roll off of her and take in her body. I’ve basically spent three days just like this and yet I cannot imagine ever having enough of her. She leans across my body and her lips meet mine. They’re soft and, no surprise, taste of strawberries. I almost meet her in the kiss, almost let my tongue slip into her mouth to explore her deeper, but the way she kisses me is too kind.

I break away, the dark cloud returning.

“What are you doing?” I ask. I’m shaking and I can’t stop it. Why would she do that? Doesn’t she realize she’s given me a taste of something I can never have?

“I just wanted to kiss you.”

She looks confused, but I remember that she lives in a reality where people fall in love and things end happily. She lives in a reality where kisses lead to love and love leads to family. She could never comprehend a world in which people fall in love with something else and then hurt each other endlessly until the entire ground swallows them.

“That’s too intimate,” I explain. “Don’t do that.” I’m saying no, but Christ, all I want is to kiss her again. I grip the sheet, forcing myself to keep her world pure and untainted by mine.

“We just spent the last few days fucking and you think a kiss is too intimate?”

“It’s just sex, princess,” I say, as if it means nothing to me.

She’s pissed and I don’t get it. Why won’t she leave? Why won’t she walk away?

“I never asked for a relationship, but you could use my name. You just freaked out in front of me. Don’t act like
that
is not an act of intimacy.”

“Lily, you don’t belong with someone like me.”

“Maybe you should let me decide,” she says and it’s adorable. But there is no room for adorable in a life like mine.

“Decide what? If I’m only reasonably fucked up? If my problems are fixable?”

“I’m not looking for a boyfriend I need to fix.”

And that’s it. She’s looking for a boyfriend. I can give her everything else, but I cannot give her that. Boyfriends go to holiday dinners. Boyfriends have the emotional stability to share their own pain and suffering. Boyfriends become husbands – and husbands do not kill their wives. However, I know nothing else and I won’t be with someone like Lily, only to watch her learn how to hate me.