Lily of the Valley (27 page)

“Have you… have you felt that way recently?” She looks so scared and I wish I could say what she wants to hear. I wish I could deny that the pain is still coursing through me, that the darkness is an endless tangible presence in my life, but I can’t. And it wouldn’t be fair to lie to her. I know now that I need her in my life, but I also need her to know me.

I nod. “Right before things went down with Derek. The night I was late from band practice. I called Alana and-”

She looks into my eyes. “Why not me?”

“I didn’t think you could handle it.”

“That’s not fair.”

“I didn’t want you to see this. I didn’t want to ruin whatever we were starting, to have you think of me as this guy. I just didn’t want to change things.”

“You need to call me. You need to let me in,” she says.

“I’m trying. That’s all of me. I have nothing else to hide.” It’s an incredible vulnerability that I’ve given her.

She hugs me and runs her hand along the back of my head. “I need you. Please, don’t even think about leaving me that way. If you need to walk away, I’ll cry and I’ll miss you. But I can’t survive
that
. I can’t survive the empty place in the world where you used to be. Promise me, Jack.”

I hold her and I promise her, because she makes me want to promise. She makes me believe there is something worth promising to hold onto. As she cries against me, scared of losing me, I feel what it’s like to be needed, to be wanted. And it’s the most beautiful feeling in the world.

Chapter 28

“You still haven’t opened your real present,” I tell Lily after we’ve both calmed ourselves. I can’t get over the fact that she’s still here, but she is. However, we have to see my mom and there’s one more thing I want to do. It’s already getting so late, but I want to give her the gift before we head out.

“Another dildo?” she smirks.

“Let’s not pretend you don’t love your toys, princess. I can name several instances when you have been more than happy to-”

She blushes and cuts me off. “I didn’t say I
didn’t
want it. Besides, there are almost three full weeks left of break. And we won’t be able to see each other much. So…” Her voice trails off and I try not to think of her using it, of her unbelievable body and the sounds she makes when she comes. I’m fucking jealous of a pile of plastic.

“Don’t get too attached,” I grumble.

“Oh, Jack. Give me a break. Nothing is going to replace you.”

I feel better although I’m tempted to remind her just how good it is with us, but I know we won’t stop if I start. So instead I reach down and pick up the bag with the tissue paper shoved on the top. It’s such a stupid gift and I almost change my mind. I bought my girlfriend a dildo and this dumb thing for Christmas. Some guys buy bracelets and rings. I’m really a terrible boyfriend.

“I thought this was a good idea, but I’m realizing how lame it is,” I say. I don’t even want to give it to her anymore.

“I’m sure it’s lovely,” she says.

“I’m sorry.” I give it to her, because obviously I have to now that she knows it exists, but I try not to blush when she pulls out the giant wad of tissue paper from the bag. “And I don’t know how that shit works.”

“No one does,” she laughs.

She reaches into the bag and pulls out the present. I put it in a tin that says “princess,” which is probably for like three-year-old girls, but my resources were limited. Lily smiles and opens the tin. She stares at the contents inside and her eyes fill up. She doesn’t look up, but I see the tears start to hit my bed.

“Why are you crying?” I ask.

She turns around and pushes me down on the bed, tearing my clothes off, and kissing me everywhere. Her agony about my revelations about my life, about my family, and about my fears is present in the feral way she touches me. She lifts her shirt over her head and kicks off her panties, before kissing me hard as she moves herself over my cock. I don’t have time to think of anything else, because I’m inside of her and she’s riding me hard before I even fully process what’s happening. When she’s like this, I can’t think of anything but her and what she does to my body.

“Jack, I love you. I love you so much. Do you get that?”

I just nod, trying to ease the burning inside of me. I want to come. I want to explode already, but I don’t want her to stop either. She’s wild, moving fast, and her hands are rough as they claw along my chest and torso. I lift my legs up and she leans back, crying out so loud I almost forget that we’re in my house and that this is supposed to be a holiday. Fortunately, no one’s home.

I push up into her, lifting myself from the bed and hanging onto her hips. I love watching her from this angle, as her hair cascades around her and her tits are on full view. She’s going crazy, touching herself as I rock her, and she tilts her head back, crying my name. Fuck, I love hearing her say my name.

It doesn’t take long for her to come and she’s desperate for it. She reaches back and digs her fingers into my thighs, tightening her cunt and pushing herself down onto me harder. I keep thrusting and I watch her as her whole body succumbs to the tremors. It’s a beautiful, beautiful sight.

As soon as she’s done, I let go and it’s only seconds before my own orgasm rushes through my body. I grab onto Lily and push deeper until I feel it in my balls and then I release into her. “Fuck,” I groan and she falls onto me. I wrap my arms around her and hold her while we both try to catch our breath.

After the sensations slow and we’re both coherent again, Lily sits up on my chest and teases me with her fingertips. I swore we would not spend all day in bed, but look at us.

“Thank you,” she says.

“For what?” I don’t honestly know what at this point.

“The present. It’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

“Really? It’s kind of stupid, isn’t it?”

“Are you kidding? Did it just
look
like I thought it was stupid?”

She gets off of me and dresses, lifting the tin and placing it on my nightstand.

It was silly. On a whim, the idea came to me, but I can’t believe this is all I did for her. I went to the grocery store, to the candy aisle. I bought every single kind of candy I could think of with multiple colors. And then I threw away anything that wasn’t red, placing only the red ones in the tin. It was such a ridiculous gift now that I think about it.

“I should’ve bought you a necklace or something.”

“This is the most thoughtful present I’ve ever received. Let other girls have jewelry.
Anyone
can buy jewelry. Anyone can’t make something so personal.”

“I love you. You know that?”

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure I really do.”

****

I didn’t tell Lily, but something she said really stuck with me, so when we were dressing, I took something from my desk and shoved it in my pocket. We’re heading to the cemetery now and it’s a big deal, but it no longer seems like a turning point. Lily knows me now. She’s heard the worst and not only is she still here, she seems
more
attached to me as well. I wonder how long it’ll take before that makes even the slightest bit of sense.

Because of the snow, the cemetery is mostly empty. Sure, it’s Christmas, but it’s cold and it’s getting dark and most people are spending the evening with their living family. Since my only living family is at the prison, I come here. Every year. Because someone needs to. I can’t imagine my mother being left alone on Christmas. But tonight is different. Tonight, I’m ready to say goodbye.

I don’t expect never to return, to put my mother away for good. However, I’m ready to accept that she isn’t here. That this is for me more than it’s for her.

“This is her,” I tell Lily.

The tiny tombstone looks even smaller with the snow on the ground. I reach down and brush some snow away from her name.
Evelyn Connelly.
That’s it. No years, no details. Certainly no phrases like “loving wife and mother.”

“Evelyn? That’s a pretty name,” Lily says.

“They spelled it wrong. Her name was Eveline.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

I take her hand. “It’s okay. It’s just a stone. She doesn’t care what some person carving a memorial calls her. She’s long gone.”

Lily squeezes my hand and I step closer. I let go of her and bend down by my mom’s grave.

“Hey, Mom,” I say.

Lily kneels down next to me and puts her hand on my back. It’s weird. No one has ever been here with me when I’ve talked with my mom – and I’ve never wanted anyone here. Alana always keeps her distance, but with Lily, it feels good. Because Lily is my moving on.

“Mom, do you remember the craft fair? I’ve been thinking about that lately. You told me it was okay to ask for help. Do you remember? Last time I was here, I did. I asked for your help, but nothing happened. I thought you’d left me. I thought you didn’t care.” I take a deep breath, trying not to let the hurt interfere with what I want to say. “But you know what? It took a little longer than I’d hoped, but there’s this girl, Mom. Lily. She’s right here. Do you see her?”

“Hi Eveline,” Lily whispers. Her voice disappears on the wind.

“I needed you, Mom. I needed you so many times growing up. You were never there. After you died, I needed you even more. Sometimes I was angry, but mostly I just wanted to know why. I wanted to know why I wasn’t important enough to you. Why you wanted to be high more than you wanted to be my mom. It really hurt.”

The weakness and the darkness are both crushing me, but I focus on Lily’s hand on my back and the words I need to say. Tears land in the snow and sizzle as I speak.

“I came here every weekend. Every holiday. Just wanting an answer. Why didn’t I matter? Would I
ever
matter? And I know you can’t tell me, but I believe you regret it, Mom. I do. I believe you would do it differently this time around. Because I have to believe that. I have to think it so I can get up every day, so I can put one foot in front of the other.

‘I asked you for help. I don’t know if you had anything to do with Lily coming back. But she did. And she told me something earlier today. She said sometimes the things we hang onto are the things that hold us back.

‘I’m tired, Mom. I am so fucking tired. I’m tired of the anger and the resentment and the doubt and the fear. I love you. I can’t help loving you and I’ll always love you. But I’m going away. I know you’re not really here anymore anyway, but I wanted to tell you. Just in case. I’ll still come by when I can, but I’m looking ahead of me now. I’m going to live my life. I hope it’s a life you’d be proud of, but even if it isn’t, it will be mine.”

I stand up and brush myself off. Lily joins me; she’s crying, but she hasn’t spoken or moved. I look at my mother’s tombstone one more time and breathe in the night. I’ve never been an active participant in a goodbye. People usually just leave me and it feels surreal to be doing the leaving. It also feels liberating.

Reaching into my pocket, I find what I took out of my desk. I bend down one more time and place the cotton ball snowman on the grave. It’s worn after more than a decade. I never got rid of it, always keeping that memory as the one thing my mom did for me and the one thing she taught me. But now, I realize she taught me plenty and the snowman is just a thing. Besides, I’d rather give it to her, to show her that, regardless of what that teacher said, she’s still my mom. And no matter how much she fucked things up, I will always love her just the same.

“I love you, Mom. Goodbye.”             

****

After the cemetery, there’s just one last thing I want to share with Lily. She’s been far more than I ever expected and I can’t believe how much I love her. Still, it’s frightening to me, because she can’t be this
right
. Nothing has ever been this easy and this right – and I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. But until it does, I want to savor everything about her.

“Hey. Would you mind doing one more thing?” I ask.

“Sure. What is it?”

“It’s just something I want to show you. I’m not sure I can explain it.”

“Lead on. Anything that matters to you matters to me.”

From the cemetery, it’s a short drive to where I want to take her. On the edge of town, by the old railroad tracks, there’s a small cliff edge that hides behind a group of trees. Growing up, I came out here a lot, because it was the one place that was all mine. I never shared it with anyone. Not Alana, not my grandmother. I needed a place for me alone. It’s strange that I’ve never seen another person here, but I’m glad I haven’t. Maybe the trees deter them, although when they’re bare in winter as they are now, the cliffside is more evident. Whatever the reason, though, it’s a small piece of the world that belongs only to me and I love it.

The snowstorm we had a few days ago has blanketed the ground in a soft white. There are only a few inches, but it muffles our footsteps. As we get out of the car, Lily looks around, but doesn’t ask any questions. I take her mittened hand, the rough yarn between her soft skin and my own. Something about her mittens, blue and old fashioned, makes me fall more in love with her. She’s such a perfect girl, but she’s so happy to be a part of my life. I can’t get it over it, but I’ll fight to keep her in it.

I lead her through the trees. A small clump of snow falls from a branch overhead and hits her in the face. She brushes it off.

“Sorry,” I say.

“Why?”

“I’m sure that was unpleasant.”

I clear the remnants of snow from her face and she smiles at me.

“It was fine. Woke me up a little.”

We keep walking and, when we break through the trees, I stop. There is little room to move, but the view still stuns me. In the valley under the cliff, the river runs cold, but the soft sounds of it echo up here. I look up and the moon is glowing, a giant orb of light shining over the snowy landscape. Dark clouds swirl around it, making it look like something fresh off an oil painting, but the moon is too bright to be swayed by a few wisps of cloud cover. Breathing deep, I can smell the freshness of the fallen snow along with the old pine that permeates the forest.