Linda Ford (6 page)

“Do you think they ever would?”

“Perhaps not everyone, but there are those who would learn to love him for his sake. I’m sure of it.” Her voice rang with determination and a bunch of things she couldn’t hide—longing for him to stay, a promise to stand at his side on Joey’s behalf and so much more.

“I wish I could believe you, but—”

She pulled at his arms, forcing him to face her. “You can. Stay. Give people a chance to accept him. And you.” No doubt her eyes revealed everything she felt, but she didn’t care. She wanted him to stay. For Joey’s sake, of course. For his, too. But mostly for her. She wanted a chance for this fledgling feeling of love to grow and mature.
Please, God, let him see we can have something worth staying for.

His eyes darkened with pleasure. His grasp on her hands tightened, and his smile flooded with what she hoped was love, or at least affection. Then without warning his expression flattened, grew hard. “You make me want to stay, but believe me, there are reasons I cannot.” He pulled her to his side and they continued to skate toward the bonfire.

Why? The question clung to the tip of her tongue. She stared straight ahead, seeing nothing but a shiny blur. Why couldn’t he stay? Or at least tell her his reason?

“Kathleen, I’m sorry.” Neither of them broke stride in their skating rhythm. “Please believe me when I say I would stay if I could. I would stay for you.”

She sniffed, finding small comfort in the hopeless words. She was almost relieved they drew near to the others and Joey shouted out a greeting and raced to their side.

“Hi, Buck. You were gone long time.”

“It didn’t seem long to me.” He squeezed Kathleen’s hands to signal his reason. Having him acknowledge he wanted to stay only deepened her pain.

She smiled and chatted as they gathered together
their belongings, threw snow over the fire to douse it and returned to the wagon. The trip back to town seemed to take longer than the trip out had, and yet was over before she could think of anything to say to convince Buck that surely the reasons for staying outweighed his reasons for leaving.

They unloaded the children and picnic remnants at Rosie’s. Buck turned to Kathleen, his eyes full of regret. “I’ll give you a ride home, then return the wagon.”

“Fine.” She bid the others goodbye. She had only a few minutes to make any sort of appeal. She barely waited for him to sit beside her on the wagon. “I had hoped you might have some regard for me. That our kiss meant something more than a man and a woman falling inadvertently into each other’s arms.” She made no attempt to keep the hurt from her voice.

“Kathleen, I should not have kissed you, but I don’t regret doing so. I do have feelings for you. But I have no right to them.”

They both faced forward, mindful they rode through a town full of windows.

“You have the same rights as anyone else. The right to make a home where you choose. We are all equal in God’s eyes.” She left it there. How many ways could she tell him, ask him to stay without shamelessly begging? Truth is, she would beg if she thought it would make a difference.

“Not everyone is equal in man’s eyes.” His tone was brittle. Suddenly he turned the wagon off the road
in a direction that took them away from her home. “I have to tell you something.”

He drove away from town and pulled to a halt beside some sheltering trees, sending protesting birds away. He leaned over his knees. His jaw muscles clenched and unclenched. With a deep sigh he turned.

She cried out at the despair lining his face. “What is it?”

“I wish I could stay. I’ve found something here with you I’ve wanted all my adult life, though I didn’t know what it was I longed for.” His expression softened as he let his gaze drift over her face.

“I’ve found something, too.” She didn’t want to lose it.

Buck rolled his head back and forth in a gesture so full of sadness and defeat that she clutched his arm. He pressed his hands over hers.

“Once you hear my story you will agree I can’t stay. You won’t want me to.”

“Can anything be that terrible?”

He nodded.

“My father—” His gaze shifted past her.

She waited. A cold trickle snaked across her shoulders. What could possibly make him so tense?

“My father was a good man.” His snort of laughter was mocking. “At one time. He worked in a mill. Liked his work until a new owner bought the place. The new man expected his employees to work unreasonable hours. He took shortcuts that were dangerous. My father—” Word by word, Buck’s voice grew more
and more harsh. “He was injured at the mill. Broke his leg and was laid up for months. His leg never healed right. When he tried to go back to work, the mill owner said they had no room for cripples.”

“Oh, Buck. How dreadful.”

He grimaced. “It gets worse.” Again his gaze sought distant places where she could not follow. “My mother got ill and needed medicine that Pa couldn’t afford. He begged for his job or any job. Again and again he got turned away. One night Ma was suffering so. It was awful to watch. Pa walked about, angry and cursing God and the mill owner. Then he dashed from the house.” The breath Buck sucked in seemed to go on forever. “He didn’t come home that night. We didn’t know until morning what happened. Our pa—” Buck’s words were whispered agony. “Took an axe and killed the mill owner.”

“Buck.” It was a mere breath of a word. “Oh, Buck.” Kathleen’s heart had stopped beating. Her lungs had stopped drawing in air. The horror of Buck’s experience filtered through a red and purple haze of shock.

“He hanged for it. Ma died. And Rosie and I—her only thirteen, me a year younger—were run out of town.”

She sobbed once. Wave after wave of shock coursed through her body.

“The first town of many we were chased from. Rosie and her children deserve a chance to be accepted here. I could ruin that for them. That’s why I have to leave before anyone finds out.”

His words brought an abrupt end to her anguished shock. “Why must you leave? You’re a good man. Let people learn that.”

He grabbed her shoulders. “Am I? Or am I my father’s son? Perhaps people have a reason to be afraid of me.”

She caught his face between her palms and searched his gaze until she found an entrance into his thoughts. “Sins are not inherited. You are a fine, decent man whom I am honored to know.”

His hungry look showed he wanted to believe her.

“Buck, you are a good man. I know it, and I think you do, too.” She smiled at his look of hope. She must convince him and she leaned closer, pressed her lips to his. Startled a reaction from him. He wrapped his arms about her and pulled her close, clinging to her kiss.

Just as quickly he withdrew, but not before she’d done her best to prove her opinion of his worth. “You’re a good man, Buck.”

He shook his head. “Even if I believe it…even if you do, others will not. And they can make life unbearable. Believe me.”

“Maybe you’ve never met a Sanderson before. If my father decrees you should be accepted, do you really think anyone in town will argue?” Not that she was naive enough to think everyone agreed with her father. Only that they were careful about how they expressed their differences. Nor did she think she could convince her father to change his opinion about Buck
without some very convincing arguments that she would do her best to formulate.

Buck chuckled. “I see there are advantages to having a rich, powerful father. However—”

“I’d like for you to stay. Give it some thought.” She was certain his feelings for her were growing as quickly as hers for him. God willing, it would be enough to persuade him to confront his past and put it to rest.

Buck edged the wagon forward and turned them about. “I better get you home before your father comes looking for you.”

In a few minutes they reached her house. He pulled the wagon to a stop and hurried around to help her descend.

They stood facing each other, a hundred wishes swirling through her mind and likely revealing themselves on her face. She didn’t care. She wanted a chance to love this man.

He squeezed her shoulder for but a touch, then climbed to the wagon. She grabbed the side to keep him from driving away. “Promise me you’ll think about what I said.”

His smile brimmed with hope. “I’ll think about it.”

She stared after him until he turned a corner out of sight. Then she made her way up the sidewalk to face her parents, who she guessed would have watched the proceedings out the window.

B
uck didn’t realize how much Rosie had read into the situation, though his expression likely gave away a lot. She waited until they’d had their evening meal and the children had gone to bed.

“Okay, brother, what happened between you and Kathleen?”

He examined the nail bed of his thumb. How could he begin to explain how he felt? How much he loved Kathleen and wished things could be different? “I kissed her.”

Rosie shoved her cup out of the way to lean across the table. “Have you lost your mind? Do you know who she is?”

He gave her only stubborn denial. “Of course I do. She’s Kathleen Sanderson. A very sweet woman.”

“She’s also the daughter of the richest, most powerful man in these parts.” Rosie let out a noisy gust. “He would never let his sweet daughter look twice at a nobody like you. Worse than a nobody—the son of
a murderer. And—” She pressed forward again. “He would stop at nothing to discredit you in her eyes. And in the eyes of all the people around here. You know how easy that will be. Why have you let it go so far? Just when I thought I might be able to forget the past.”

“No one will ever let us forget the past. But perhaps it’s time to stop trying to outrun it.”

Rosie bolted to her feet. “You really think you can change things? Stop and think. How many times have we tried before? Having a murderer for a father marks us. It always will.” She glanced about the house. “This is one of the best places I’ve had. I don’t want to leave.” She stopped at Buck’s side and grabbed his face to turn it toward her. “You are going to wreck my life for nothing.”

“Not for nothing. For a chance for Joey and me to belong.”

She turned away from him. “Belong somewhere else.”

He didn’t say somewhere else would not be the same. Kathleen wouldn’t be anywhere but here. Yet she didn’t need him to say the words to know what he thought, and she gave a snort of disgust. “Buck, what do I have to do to get you to leave?”

He struggled between wanting to protect Rosie and longing for the love he’d ached for for so many years, he’d grown almost comfortable with the feeling.

Now, for the first time, he’d found the answer to his loneliness. Perhaps, like Kathleen said, he needed to stay and prove he deserved it.

Kathleen smiled as she stepped into the house. Buck had kissed her. She had kissed him. If the way he kissed meant anything, it wouldn’t take much to convince him to stay.

She sighed as she hung her coat. She wished she knew exactly what it would take. But it seemed to be something more than she could offer. The thought clogged her heart. Why couldn’t she be enough?

She turned and came face-to-face with her father.

“I came home from work early because I was worried about your mother. I found her sitting alone in the dark. Is it too much to expect you to be here when your mother needs you?”

“I’m sorry.” She hurried past him to her mother’s side. “Are you ill?”

“I’m very, very weary.”

Kathleen rubbed her mother’s hands. “What can I do?”

“Stop going to visit that woman.” Her father spoke harshly.

Kathleen bowed her head.
Oh, God. Please don’t let him forbid me to go.

He went to his chair and plopped down. “I think it’s time you returned to that school I paid for you to attend. It’s not like you’re helping your mother a lot.”

“I’m not sure I want to return.”

Mother took her hand. “Maybe if you simply decide to stay home instead of going
there
.” She said the word with more than a hint of bitterness.

Kathleen couldn’t answer. She didn’t want to go
back to the college. She couldn’t promise she wouldn’t visit Rosie. She hoped and prayed Buck would stay. Somehow she had to convince her father to give them a chance. If only he would meet them, she was certain he’d approve of them. But she wouldn’t speak her thoughts until she’d had a chance to pray about them and form a plan.
God, help me.

She spent the rest of the afternoon at her mother’s side, reading to her, fixing her tea, locating a certain necklace she thought she’d lost. It wasn’t until later in the evening when her mother had gone to bed that she finally withdrew to her own room to consider the events of the day.

But rather than focus on what her father said, and how to convince him to change his mind about Buck and Rosie, her thoughts went back to the afternoon. Buck had kissed her. A kiss loaded with a thousand unspoken promises. Or so she let herself think.

She lay on her back in bed and smiled into the darkness. Surely he’d felt something. Vowing she’d try again the next day to convince him to stay, she fell asleep with a smile on her face.

But the next morning, her mother was too ill to get out of bed.

“This is on your head,” Kathleen’s father said. “Bringing home dirt from there. Goodness knows what your mother is ill with, thanks to you.” He scowled as he prepared to leave for work.

“Mother, I’m sorry.” But she had been sick off and on before she started visiting Rosie, and Kathleen was certain she had not brought sickness home with her.

Her mother slept fitfully throughout the morning and sat up in bed for a lunch of clear soup and crackers. “I’m so weak,” she murmured as she pushed away the tray without finishing.

“Can I do anything?” Kathleen refrained from glancing at the clock.

“Could you read to me? I really like the story you started the other day.”

Kathleen could not refuse her mother, even though it meant she would not be able to go to Rosie’s today. She got the book and settled in next to her mother to read. But it was only words she recited. Her mind was not on the story. If only she could send a message to Buck and let him know why she couldn’t be there.

But she’d have to wait until tomorrow and an improvement in Mother’s well-being.

At the knock at the door, Buck looked up from playing with the boys and helping Rosie. Had the morning passed so quickly? Or was Kathleen early? He knew the answer. It was much earlier than she normally arrived.

He headed for the door, eager to see her and judge if she’d changed her mind about him. He broke stride. What if she’d come to say they could no longer be friends?

He brushed his finger across his mouth. Her kiss said they could be friends and so much more.

Throughout the night, he’d considered if she could be right. Would people give him a chance to start over here if they knew the truth? Or could he expect
to hide it from them? He’d mentally explored ways of disguising his true identity. A false name would be easy enough but carried no guarantees. Experience had taught him that nothing did.

He opened the door, his smile wide in greeting. A man stood before him, scowling. Buck’s smile flattened in an instant.

“You would be Buck, I presume. Buck Donahue.”

His heart plummeted to the soles of his feet. So much for hiding his name. “And you would be?”

“Samuel Sanderson. I’m Kathleen’s father.”

“I see. Would you like to step inside?” Not that he felt exactly welcoming at the way the scowling man regarded him.

“I think I prefer to remain here. What I have to say won’t take long.”

Buck stepped outside and pulled the door shut behind him. He was pretty sure the kids didn’t need to hear whatever the man was about to say. Rosie would guess correctly what it was.

Mr. Sanderson cleared his throat and drew himself up tall. Buck saw no resemblance to his daughter. Kathleen wore a countenance of love and joy. Just looking at her made others feel special. Her father made him feel dirty, despised.

“My daughter has been spending a lot of time here. I didn’t approve when it was just your sister and her children. But when I heard a brother had arrived…well, it was my duty to discover what sort of person you are.” He waited, as if expecting Buck to fill in the details.

He didn’t intend to supply one single fact.

“I learned who you are, Mr. Donahue. I know about your father, Michael Donahue. How dare you think you can even breathe the same air as my daughter? I suggest you leave town immediately. We have no use for the likes of you in our presence. Kathleen doesn’t care to see you again.” He adjusted the lapels on his coat and turned to leave. Then paused. “I expect you’ll be on your way by morning.”

It wasn’t a suggestion. Yet Buck didn’t flinch before the man’s demanding glare. Kathleen didn’t care to see him again? He didn’t believe it.

“I won’t be run out of town on your say-so.” He leaned forward, his eyes burning with determination. “I will not believe Kathleen doesn’t want to see me again unless I hear the words from her mouth.”

He dared not contemplate hearing such words.

Mr. Sanderson grunted. “You won’t see her again, I promise you that.” He stomped away without a backward look.

Buck did not return immediately to the house. He knew he must first compose himself so as not to give away anything to Rosie or keen-eyed Joey. A few minutes later he shivered in the cold and stepped inside.

Joey glanced up, studied Buck closely. Before the boy asked a question, Buck got very busy cleaning up the dirty dishes. Thankfully, Rosie had taken Lilly to the bedroom.

He kept busy but the words spoken by Mr. Sanderson circled inside his head like angry hornets.

I know about your father. How dare you? You won’t see her again.

But Kathleen cared about him. She would find a way to at least say goodbye.

The morning, which had gone so fast until this point, slowed down to endless ticks on the clock. He could not expect her earlier than normal, but he tried not to hold his breath, to force his heart to beat again and again until the time arrived.

Rosie came from the bedroom. “Did I hear someone at the door?”

“I don’t know. Did you?”

She rolled her eyes. “You know I did. Who was it?”

He couldn’t bear to tell her. But soon enough the word would be out. “Later,” he said, indicating the children clustered about the table.

Her eyes widened. “No. It can’t be.”

He nodded. “It is.”

“I knew this would happen. I warned you, but would you listen? No. You let your heart rule your head. For what? You’ll never have her. Instead you ruin my chances.”

“Rosie, I’m sorry.”

She drew her lips back in resignation as she looked about her small house. “It’s not much, but this is my home. I don’t want to move.”

Joey edged closer, acutely aware of the tension in the air. “You move? Why? This nice house.”

Rosie pulled him to her side. “You’re right. I guess I’ll stay as long as I can.”

Buck rubbed his neck and wished life could be different. “Maybe once we’re gone it won’t matter.”

Her eyes filled with sorrow. “It always matters.”

“I know. I should have left long ago.”

“We go?” Joey’s eyes widened. “Where we go? This good place. I like it here. I like cousins. I like Aunt Rosie.”

“I know you do. But this isn’t home.” Would he ever be able to offer his son a proper home?

Only if he stayed.

He straightened. Considered Rosie. Would staying hurt her chances of acceptance?

She watched him, her eyes narrowing. “Are you thinking what I think you are?”

“Probably.”

“Then reconsider. I beg you.”

“If Kathleen accepts us, don’t you think the rest of the community will?”

“Buck, don’t start expecting miracles.”

He laughed. “Why not? Don’t you believe God loves us as much as He loves the Sandersons?”

“I don’t think it’s God who runs the store and refuses service or who crosses the street to avoid a person.”

His enthusiasm died. “You’re right, of course.” But Kathleen had almost convinced him it was possible to stay here and start a real life.

They ate lunch, but he barely heard a word of the children’s talk as he waited for Kathleen to show up.

But it wasn’t Mr. Sanderson’s warning words
taking up the space in his mind. It was the assurance of her sweet smile and total acceptance.

He could barely finish his meal as his anticipation grew. As soon as the children appeared to be done, he jumped up and began to gather the dirty dishes.

Soon the dishes were washed and dried and back in the cupboard. The table had been scoured to within an inch of annihilation. He stared out the window. The weather was clear. No impending storm to keep her away.

Sighing, he turned. Rosie had gone to the bedroom with Lilly and her boys. No doubt they were all sleeping.

Joey refused to go to bed. “I want to wait for Miss Kathleen.”

“Have your nap so you’ll be ready to visit her when she comes.”

“I’ll go to bed but I won’t sleep.” He got the stubborn look on his face that Buck knew well.

Kathleen was late. Something must have happened to delay her. He walked to the window to look out and saw nothing but snow-dusted grass and the empty beaten path leading to the center of town.

He turned to stare at the door. Perhaps she had knocked and he hadn’t heard her. In a flurry of hope and despair he crossed the room and threw open the door, only to be greeted by a blast of cold air and nothing more. Quickly, he closed the door and leaned against it.

Time crept past on heavy, dragging feet.

The children came from the bedroom, sleepy-eyed
and tousle-haired. Joey looked carefully around the room, as if expecting to find Kathleen in a corner. “She not come?”

“No. She didn’t.” Her father was right when he said she wouldn’t come again. His insides tore open to realize she would turn her back on him because of her father’s decision. But all along he’d tried to tell himself this would happen.

Rosie joined them. She gave him a look of sympathy but refrained from saying, “I told you so.”

She didn’t need to.

He had no more reason to stay. Only one thing would have made him change his mind, and Kathleen had not given him that invitation.

There was nothing he could do about it.

The afternoon passed on leaden feet as Kathleen read to her mother and spent time amusing her. When she finally dozed, the day was too far gone to dash over to Rosie’s. Besides, she hesitated to leave her mother alone. She’d been really down all day.