Lindsey Kelk 5-Book 'I Heart...' Collection (27 page)

‘So you do know how to use your kitchen,’ I said, accepting a steaming mug of black coffee and dropping back onto the sofa. I knew I had to leave, but my legs were determined to make it difficult by refusing to work.

‘I live on my coffee when we’re recording.’ He sat down next to me. ‘Sorry if it’s a little strong. Coffee I’m good with, but I never seem to have milk.’

‘Don’t worry, it’s nice,’ I lied. It was like tar. ‘What are you up to today?’

He shrugged. ‘I might try and write some more. I got some good stuff yesterday.’

‘Do you just write here?’ I asked, swirling my cup. The ‘coffee’ barely moved.

‘Yeah, well, the music,’ he nodded towards an acoustic guitar leaning against the wall. ‘I usually write the music with that, then take it in to the guys and we work it up. The lyrics I write all over the place. Wherever they come to me.’

‘It must be so cool to be able to do that,’ I shook my head in awe. ‘I can’t imagine sitting down with a guitar and just pulling something out of the air like that.’

‘It’s only what you do when you write.’ He smiled lazily and pushed a stray strand of damp hair behind my ear. It was well past midday and so warm that my hair was almost dry. ‘It’s just writing what you’re thinking.’

‘I suppose so,’ I said, letting my cheek rest against his hand. It would have been so easy just to stay there with him.

‘You sure you’ve got to go?’ he whispered, his eyes glowing, his voice deepening.

No no no no no no no.

‘Yes,’ I sighed. I leaned in for a soft, promising kiss and then pulled myself back. ‘I really can’t get behind, and I have to file my blog by four.’

‘I can’t imagine what you’re going to write about,’ he grinned. ‘What if my mom reads it?’

‘Don’t!’ I flushed and stood up. ‘I’m not writing porn, it’s a diary about my experiences. And it runs four days behind anyway.’

‘Don’t tell me that wasn’t an experience.’ He flicked at my hem with his foot. ‘And how come it’s so behind, so they can edit out all the good stuff?’

‘No, it’s just what they do, in case I get ill or something.’ I picked up my bag. I wanted to sink back onto that sofa by the side of him more than anything. ‘So you’ll have to wait until next week to see what I’m going to post.’

‘I’m not too worried,’ he said, dragging himself up and walking over to the door. ‘I don’t think anyone has any cause for complaint.’

He pulled me in close for a deep goodbye kiss, making me drop my beautiful, beautiful bag. Bad man.

‘I’ll call you later?’ He opened the door while I slowly backed out.

‘OK.’ I nodded, crossing the threshold into the hall. Wow, this was hard. ‘Talk to you later then?’

‘Yeah.’ He leaned out for one more kiss before I turned and headed to the lift.

Get in the lift. Get in the lift.

I sneaked a quick look back, Alex just leaning against his doorway. I shook my head and pushed myself through the lift doors as they slid open, and pressed the G button. I definitely deserved an award for leaving, first time and everything.

I was so wrapped up in Alex, it didn’t even occur to me to be proud as I headed towards the L, hopped straight on the subway and changed at Union Square, heading north to Grand Central. My first non-pre-planned subway journey and I’d only looked at a map once.

Jenny was already home when I dashed through the door, drinkable coffee in one hand, keys in the other.

‘Hey,’ she said, rising from the sofa as I flashed through the room. ‘What’s up?’

‘Got to email my blog,’ I called from my room. And despite how well the evening had gone, I was still a little bit pissed off with her and her one-woman show. ‘Give me half an hour?’

‘OK, but then I want all the details,’ she yelled from the living room.

I looked at the screen of my laptop. It glowed impatiently, demanding me to spill every last little fact like an iJenny. But I couldn’t do it. It had been so easy, practically cathartic, to write about things with Tyler, but this was different. I wanted to protect it. Instead of hashing out every new position, every new sensation, I found myself bashing out 200 words on The Adventures of Angela: When is it OK to break The Rules? I wrote about Jenny and Jeff getting back together, I wrote about accepting dates less than two days in advance, and I wrote about just how bloody hard it was to stick to the stupid bloody things. Who came up with them in the first place? They hadn’t seemed to work for anyone I’d met yet. Erin was rocketing through husbands like last season’s Manolos, and Jenny cheated on her ex, but got him back. That wasn’t in The Rules.

I stopped tapping away and paused. There was so much I could say about Alex, but it just didn’t seem to want to put itself into words. It wasn’t as if I was denying Alex’s existence, I just didn’t want to go into details yet. Or mention I’d stayed over. Or that I’d had the most incredible sex ever. I wanted to keep that to myself for a little while longer.

Well, I was open to sharing with Jenny. And Erin. And the manager of Scottie’s Diner.

‘What happened to Jenny’s life plan? I thought she was making all your big decisions for you?’ Erin asked, sipping on some iced water. ‘Like she does for everyone else whether they like it or not.’

‘She’s not been so helpful since she got back together with Jeff,’ I said, shaking my head at the goofy grin on Jenny’s face. ‘She’s not actually been very much of anything apart from gagging for it as far as I can tell.’

‘So what?’ Jenny grinned, munching away. ‘My head is kind of somewhere else. But, and you know I like Alex, realistically, I think you’re going too fast too soon and you should be out there having fun. You’ve been single for what, two weeks?’

‘Is it really only two weeks?’ I suppose it had to be. I felt as if I’d been in New York my whole life. ‘Feels like for ever.’

‘All the more reason to keep seeing this Tyler guy,’ Erin said, gingerly trying a chip. ‘If you’re going to fall head-over-heels for Alex, who we already know has more or less fucked his way around the whole of lower Manhattan, you need to keep a part of yourself detached. Seeing Tyler might help take the pressure off.’

‘Well, clearly Jenny has filled you in,’ I said, giving Jenny the look. ‘But he didn’t have to tell me about his past already. He could have just, you know …’

‘Used you? Playing devil’s advocate,’ Jenny held up her hands, ‘and that’s all I’m doing, but how do you know he’s not? Both Alex and Tyler know you’ve got to go back home sooner or later, how do you know this isn’t just a totally harmless fling for both of them, and they’re not seeing seventeen other women on the side? I just think you should pull back a little before you start getting attached.’

‘She’s right, and you know I hate saying that,’ Erin gave me a half-smile, ‘but what’s going to happen if you let yourself get totally wrapped up in Alex, then go back to England and you never hear from him again?’

‘I know all that, I’m just having fun,’ I lied badly. I didn’t want to think about Alex using me, and I certainly didn’t want to think about going home. ‘And you know, they could say the same thing. They could say I’m using them.’

‘Well, honey. You kind of are.’

I shook my head. ‘No, I’m … Well, I’m just not.’

Cue awkward silence.

‘OK, maybe Tyler.’

‘So,’ Erin wiped her hands on a napkin, ‘you’ve got two and a half months left unless you start applying for a work visa right now. You came here to get away from your ex and sort your head out, work out what you want to do. Have you done that?’

‘I don’t know,’ I confessed. ‘Is that really bad?’

‘No,’ Erin smiled. ‘But you shouldn’t be worrying about any relationship stuff with either of these guys until you can answer those questions.’

‘I know. It’s just loads more difficult than I thought it was going to be. When I’m with you two, it’s easy to be OK, and I think yeah, this might be me, even if I’m a bit of a whiny cow. Tyler makes everything easy in a different way, like, I don’t even need to think because he’s already thought of everything. I don’t have to stress about anything, so I’m just kind of the same person I’ve always been, but with better sex and presents.’

‘And with Alex?’ Jenny asked, signalling the waitress and ordering more or less the whole dessert menu.

‘I really, really like how I feel when I’m with him, but realistically, I don’t know if I could keep it up all the time. It’s bloody hard work being on all the time,’ I said, surprising myself with my answer. ‘But maybe I’m just being lazy. It’s hard work, but it’s amazing. He makes me feel amazing. Bloody hell, you two must be so bored of me.’

They were quick to refute it, but even I was sick of hearing myself whine on. ‘Do you know what? Forget it, I just want to hear about Jeff and Jenny.’

Jenny was quick to pick up the baton. Unfortunately, it was a highly detailed and descriptive account of Jeff’s baton, which made eating a little bit difficult.

‘Did you have to give her an in?’ Erin grinned, ditching her diet and getting stuck into the cheesecake that had joined the ice cream on the table. ‘Honestly, I can’t listen to you two talk about your amazing sex lives any more. I’m over The Rules from right now.’

‘Man, I hadn’t even got started,’ Jenny laughed and pointed at me with her spoon. ‘And you should remember that Jeff and Alex’s bedrooms are only separated by about a foot of interior wall before you start calling me on my performance.’

I blushed, horrified. ‘Really? God, that’s so embarrassing.’

‘Pretty inspirational, actually,’ Jenny grinned, clearly enjoying watching me squirm. ‘I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen to you doll, but I do know you need a good night’s sleep tonight.’

She wasn’t wrong. Once we’d finished up, all three of us headed back to the apartment for a Friends marathon in the hopes of getting some sage advice from the thirty-five-year-old twenty-somethings, and before I knew it, I was out for the count.

Having passed out in a cheesecake coma so early the night before, I woke up at the crack of dawn on Tuesday determined to work out some answers. Erin and Jenny were right, I’d come to New York looking for something, and it hadn’t been men. I headed out early, passing Erin on the sofa bed, Jenny still snoring in her room, so pleased to have found some fellow anti-nine-to-fivers. I’d promised myself I would keep walking until something hit me, so I took the subway as far as I could go and still be in Manhattan and walked back to Battery Park. Seemed like a good place to start. Leaning back over the railing that Jenny had first brought me to, more than a fortnight ago, I reflected on how much life had changed, leaving out the boys. Yes, I had new hair, new clothes (and a fabulous handbag) but (almost) more importantly, I had my confidence. I was doing this, actually living. It didn’t matter that there was a legally imposed schedule, helpfully enforced by US immigration, I had lived more in the last two weeks than I had in the last two years. I gave the Statue of Liberty a thankful smile and headed back north, thinking about all the other things I had to be grateful for. Jenny, despite her mildly schizophrenic Jeff-related issues, was clearly a good person. Erin was a complete sweetheart. And I was actually writing. I was writing my own words for a massive international magazine’s website, not ghostwriting movie novels about mutant hero turtles or style advice for billionaire tweenagers.

Looking up I realized I was heading towards Ground Zero. As I passed through, I could hardly believe that so much life was going on all around this site of utter devastation. Shops, hotels, restaurants, offices, everything. It seemed like such a short time ago that I had watched this place literally collapse on TV, but the entire city had picked up and moved on, healing rapidly around this ugly scar. I almost slapped myself in the street. If everyone here could pick themselves up and dust themselves down, what did I have to be so mopy and introspective about? It was just like Jenny had said, New York wasn’t somewhere you came to find yourself again, it was somewhere you came to become something, someone, new.

In a Starbucks with wireless internet I logged on. My blog was short and to the point. The Adventures of Angela: Moving On From Moving On. Yes, I had a lot of crap to wallow in, and I could feel sorry for myself for the next five years if I wanted, but I also had a lot to be glad about and from here on in, that was what this diary was going to be about. I emailed it to Mary and sat staring out of the window, occasionally catching my reflection when a car parked up or someone paused to look inside. I didn’t look different any more, I just looked like me. One battle won.

‘Hey, excuse me,’ a tall, skinny girl stood at my shoulder, clutching a takeaway coffee cup. ‘Are you that girl from The Look website?’

‘Oh,’ I said, flustered. ‘Yes, I suppose I am.’

She sat down at my table and beamed, pushing curly red hair away from her lip gloss. ‘I knew it was you, I saw the Marc Jacobs bag. I was just reading your last entry. My friend is like, obsessed with blogs, she forwarded me yours. I’m Rebecca’

‘Oh,’ I repeated. It hadn’t occurred to me that people might recognize me. Eeep. ‘Sorry, I’m Angela. Did you like it? The blog?’

‘Shit, it was hilarious!’ She grinned. ‘It’s like, you’re totally living my life. My boyfriend cheated on me too, he was a complete shit. But your life is way funnier. And I didn’t hook up with two really hot guys, like, days later.’

‘Oh,’ I really didn’t know what else to say. I hadn’t looked at the website since it went live, I just couldn’t bear to see that before picture of myself again. ‘It’s not totally like that, I mean, I’m not, you know.’

‘So it’s not real?’ She frowned. ‘You make it up?’

‘No,’ I said quickly. ‘It is real, it’s just a bit weird talking about it. You’re the first person I’ve met who has read it.’ I managed a smile. ‘Sorry.’

‘No worries,’ she smiled again. ‘You’re just a total hero to me. I wish I had got up and done something amazing when I found out about my ex, instead of throwing up for three days and then burning all his stuff.’

‘I wouldn’t have been against burning his stuff. Between you and me, I might have peed in my ex’s toiletry bag. I know, it’s disgusting.’