Lined With Silver (18 page)

This didn’t fit. Carrying her sister’s babies
was supposed to be a gift. How could she lose them? A different
womb was supposed to be the fix Nikki so desperately wanted.

Sondra sobbed over the next wave of agonizing
pain.

Zack turned to the doctor, desperate for some
release for her. “Isn’t there anything you can do?”

He nodded. “I’ve ordered something through
the IV. The nurse should be in shortly.”

Zack turned back and stroked Sondra’s hair.
“It’ll be okay. The doctor has ordered some pain medication.”

Sondra shook her head against the paper
lining. “This is not going to be okay. This is not supposed to be
happening.”

“The pain meds should help.” The agony in his
face reflected her own.

Sondra stared up at Zack and whispered.
“There are only four left. They can’t make any more.”

“How could you even consider doing this
again?” His voice was anguished.

Sondra gripped Zack’s hand and gritted her
teeth through another wave of pain. “I… I don’t know if I can.”

“This is too big of a sacrifice. I don’t want
you going through this.”

Sondra stared at Zack a moment. He sounded
serious. “Women do this every day.”

“But for their own child, not someone
else’s.”

“I promised.” Sondra managed through gritted
teeth.

“Some promises were never meant to be
made.”

She took a deep breath after the pain
lessened. “Wasn’t it you who told me family ties are the most
important?”

“How many women do you know who have
volunteered to carry their sister’s child?”

“That’s not fair. And you know it.”

Zack smoothed back her hair again and dabbed
the sweat off her brow. “I just know I can’t stand seeing you in
this kind of pain. And for what? To help your sister be a single
mother?”

“Zack!” Sondra protested. “How can you say
such a thing?”

Zack clenched his jaw as another spasm of
pain showed on the monitor. “You can’t hide. The machine shows it
even if you try. I can’t see you do this again.”

“I have to try. Nikki can’t carry them.”
Sondra’s voice was a strained whisper.

“Maybe if Brad gets better…” Zack almost
choked on his words.

Sondra shook her head again. “Even if he
survives, he’s sterile. It’s not repairable.”

Zack looked like he was about to say
something and then stopped.

By early the next morning, Sondra had lost
the babies.

Before she was released from the hospital,
the physician who had treated her came in.

Sondra’s voice was weak. “My sister
miscarried recently. She had to have a D&C. Am I going to have
to have one, too?”

He shook his head. “You were early enough in
the pregnancy that you shouldn’t have to. Follow up with your
doctor. You’ll need to have your hormone levels checked in four
weeks. If they’re back to normal, you won’t need one.”

“Thanks. I will.” Sondra signed the release
forms and was promptly guided to a wheelchair by a waiting nurse,
who followed Zack to their car.

“Take it easy.” Were her last instructions as
Zack reached over to buckle her in.

She would’ve protested, but she was hardly
aware of her surroundings. The pain medications were making her
drowsy and she was weak from the intense pain she’d lived
through.

She’d always thought the pain of birth was
from the size of the baby. Having pain this intense from
contractions wasn’t something she’d expected, and it wasn’t
something she wanted to live through again. Not now. Not ever. Zack
was right. Promise or no promise, she was done.

Profound grief at losing the babies was also
something she hadn’t expected. For the short time she’d carried
them, she had grown to love them. The box of tissues she’d nabbed
from the funeral wouldn’t last long.

When Sondra’s tears turned into wracking
sobs, Zack found a convenient exit and stopped the car. He held her
until her sobs settled into sniffles. He didn’t talk.

Finally, Sondra pulled away and tried to
smile. “Thanks for everything. I don’t know what I would’ve done
without you there.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t fix this.”

“It’s not your fault.” She stared out the
window and then back at him. She took a deep breath. “I’m going to
have to call Nikki.”

Sondra closed her eyes a moment and took a
deep breath. She locked her gaze with Zack’s and then pulled out
her phone. “Here goes…”

She listened to the ringing of the phone and
was afraid it would go into voice mail when Nikki’s weary voice
answered. “Sondra?”

Tears were already running down her face
again. She couldn’t deliver this message without feeling some of
her sister’s pain. “I’m so sorry. I lost the babies.”

Nikki’s wail had Sondra pulling the phone
away. When her sobs had subsided enough for Sondra to talk, she
promised, “I’ll try again, Nikki. It’ll be okay. It’ll work next
time.” As determined as she’d been just a few minutes ago to never
try again, she couldn’t stop herself from comforting her sister.
She would try again.

Hearing her sister’s anguish was more than
she could bear. And she felt the loss almost as deeply as Nikki
did. She didn’t realize how attached she would be to the babies.
The act of carrying them was bonding. She didn’t know how she’d be
able to step aside and hand them over, but this was her sister, and
she would do all she could to help her. She always had.

“You’ll do that?” Nikki’s voice showed she
was trying to believe the words she’d just heard.

“Of course. When can we try again?”

Nikki’s voice was raw through her tears.
“You’ll have to give your body some time to recover. My doctor had
me wait at least three months.”

“I didn’t realize how tired I would be.”
Sondra chewed on her thumbnail and then stopped, clenching her
hands instead. “I have a big case coming up in March. I’ll have to
wait until April. How is Brad going to take this?”

“He’s sitting here next to me, and he’s as
b-bro-oken up as I am.” Nikki cleared her throat so she could
continue. “We want you to know that if the babies don’t take, we
aren’t going to blame you. We know there is nothing you could do.”
She started to sob again. After a moment, she controlled her sobs
enough to say, “Maybe there is something in our genetics. Maybe
it’s just God’s will that we not have any children. Maybe…” And
then she couldn’t finish.

Brad got on the line. “Thanks, Sondra. We
realize what a sacrifice this is. You don’t have to do this again.”
Then the phone went dead.

Knowing Brad, he had gone to comfort
Nikki.

She shut the phone and stared unseeingly at
the soundwalls that flew by while Zack was driving. She couldn’t
stem the flow of tears, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been
earlier.

She did have to do this again. She didn’t
really have a choice, and she had known that the day Nikki had
thrown the request at her.

Silence reigned. When Sondra’s tears started
to dry, Zack broke it. “Did you say you were going to try again in
April?”

Sondra nodded, too emotional to talk. She
waited for a lecture that didn’t come. After a hiccuppy sob, she
asked, “How did you know?”

“There wasn’t a lot of talking. I didn’t have
much to interpret.”

“Nikki said Dr. Lloyd always made her wait at
least three months, and I have a big case pending. I’ve worked
months on it. I don’t feel like I can just hand it over to a
different attorney.”

Zack reached over and patted her hand. “No
one expects you to hand over your cases. April will give your body
some time to recuperate.” He stared out at the freeway, not meeting
her gaze. His voice was calm, not accusing, but he couldn’t help
himself. “After the pain you were in, I wouldn’t blame you for
refusing to do it again.”

Another hiccup. This time it wasn’t a sob.
She was gaining control. “Other women live through this. I just
didn’t realize…”

“Do you feel like eating anything?” Zack
switched subjects.

She shook her head. “I just couldn’t.”

“Did you want to fly back to Salt Lake?” He
asked as he was pulling into the hotel.

Sondra thought about facing the office again.
“No. Can we stick to our original plans? I’d still like to meet
your grandmother. We left before I could.” She paused and then
swallowed hard. “When are you going to tell Jade?”

His look of surprise seemed genuine. “I don’t
think she needs to know, do you?”

“But she’s expecting either nieces or nephews
in about nine months.”

“Which we both know won’t be hers.” Zack’s
voice was grave. “I’m not going to say anything unless she
asks.”

“Why did you say anything then?”

For the first time since she’d met him, he
seemed to be embarrassed. “Sometimes Jade just hits a nerve. I
wanted to get her to quit asking questions. I admit it wasn’t the
smartest thing to say given our situation.”

“I’ll agree with you there, but you can’t
take words back once they’ve been spoken.” She paused a moment and
then asked, “Do you and Jade talk often?”

“We haven’t, but that might change.” Zack
grabbed one of the remaining tissues and dabbed at a tear wandering
down Sondra’s face. “I’ll handle Jade. You don’t need to
worry.”

Sondra sniffed again. “I’m tired.”

The valet was walking up to the car. Zack
handed over the keys and a tip and then opened the door for Sondra.
“Let’s get back to our rooms. We’ll discuss plans after you’ve had
some rest.”

* * *

Tears and exhaustion translated into sleep. A
light rap on the door woke Sondra. She stared at the unfamiliar
ceiling and tried to remember where she was. Memories of the prior
night caused her to clutch her empty stomach.

She pulled on her robe and walked to the
connecting door, running fingers through snarls as she went. Her
hair had morphed into an uncontrollable mess.
Serves me right
for spending the day in bed.
She glanced at the clock. It was
after six.

Zack was standing at the door, preparing to
knock again. He dropped his hand. “You’re looking chipper.”

“If you can’t think of something better than
that, I’m going to shut the door.”

Confused embarrassment raced across his
face.

Sondra took pity on him. Neither of them had
been in this situation before, and she wouldn’t have known what to
say, either.

After a moment of silence, he finally said,
“I ordered a salad for you. Do you feel like eating?”

Her stomach had awakened enough to remind her
that she hadn’t eaten all day. “As a matter of fact, I do.” She
stopped. The mirror behind him revealed that she was standing in
his doorway with a mop attached to her head. What was she thinking?
“I just need some alone time. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

Zack pretended not to notice, but Sondra had
seen the evidence. She looked about as good as that dead chucker
Dewk had barfed up in Scott’s truck. Not that she’d seen it
herself…

Twelve minutes later, it was Sondra’s turn to
knock on the connecting door. As he was opening the door, Zack
said, “You know, you don’t have to knock. We’re married.”

Her eyes narrowed. What was he playing at?
“Do tell.”

“If I want privacy, I can go in the bathroom
and lock the door. Given what happened last night, I’d like you to
be able to just come on in. I don’t have anything to hide.”

“After last night, there shouldn’t be a
reason for me to come in.” They stared at each other a moment. Zack
looked terrified that the spigot would open again. Sondra took a
deep breath and continued, “Thanks for the offer, though.”

“It stands.”

Sondra furrowed her brow, trying to
understand what he meant.

He didn’t elaborate. Instead, he pulled the
covers off the food and offered her a green salad mixed with whole
blueberries and sliced strawberries. Creamy white dressing dotted
with poppy seeds was served in a small white bowl. Sugar-coated
chopped pecans were in a different bowl. The other plate held
several different sandwiches.

“This looks perfect.” Sondra approved. “What
kinds of sandwiches are there?”

“I thought you’d like a choice.” He pointed
at the varieties. “This one is ham and cheese, there is turkey and
swiss, turkey with cranberries , and that one is roast beef.”

After Sondra had eaten enough to take the
edge off her hunger, she asked, “Have you decided what you wanted
to do?”

“I thought you wanted to follow the original
plan, but I didn’t want to make a decision until I knew if you were
really up to the trip.”

“I’m feeling fine now. A bit tired, but I’ve
been feeling that way since the twins―” She stopped and swallowed.
She wasn’t ready to talk about her loss.

“We’ll leave first thing in the morning.” He
was decisive.

“How long does it take to get to Philly from
here?”

“A couple of hours.”

“I forget how little distance there is
between states on the east coast,” she admitted.

“Yeah. It’s not far. That’s why I thought we
could drive. Are you feeling like travelling?”

“I’m still awfully tired, but I’d rather be
going somewhere than staying here.” She tried to read his face,
which was carefully impartial. He wasn’t going to influence her
decision one way or the other. “Does your grandmother know we’re
coming?” she asked.

“If you remember, I didn’t give Jade any
timeframes. I thought we’d drive out in the morning, catch some
historical sites, then see Granny on Tuesday. I thought we’d see
how you feel the rest of the week. I’ve rescheduled the flight back
for Thursday.”

“That sounds good.” She chewed on her lip a
moment and then asked the question that had been on her mind. “Why
do you call her Granny?”

“She named herself. It was a term she always
loved. When you meet her, you’ll understand.”