Live Without Regret (A Touch of Fate) (14 page)

“I’m sorry,” I say, all of the fight draining out of me. I won’t resort to acting like a jealous teenager. Twisting my hands in front of me, I will myself to find the courage to walk away. After a deep breath, I say, “I’m sorry for leading you on like this. I know I’m not making any sense, but…but I can’t do this with you.”

The air grows thick with tension. Connor purses his lips but doesn’t say a word. Instead, he walks straight to the door. Twisting the knob, he pulls it open and steps back, giving me plenty of room to pass. I walk toward him, hating the way his gaze drops to the floor. The tic in his jaw catches my attention.

Connor doesn’t understand what’s going on and that doesn’t sit well with me. If I’m going to walk out of here, never to return, then he at least deserves to know why.

“I was engaged,” I blurt out. Connor looks up and now it’s my turn to look down. I don’t want to see the pity I know he’ll offer, because that’s what everyone does.

Clearing my throat, I start talking, and I don’t stop until I’ve told him everything. “We were college sweethearts, together for years. In 2006, we applied to med school in New York and we both got in.” I smile to myself, remembering how happy I was. The same kind of happy I was just minutes ago. “Right before the big move, Tyson’s best friend—
who happened to be a woman
—confessed her love for him.” I suck in a shuddery breath. I’ve worked so hard to forget that horrible night, and reliving isn’t going to be fun.

“She begged him to stay and give her a chance, but he didn’t. He walked away from her—he chose me. I was thrilled because, in the back of my mind, I’d always thought he had a thing for her, but I had to have been wrong, right?” I shrug. “That was his opportunity to be with her and he didn’t take it. Anyway,” I say, rubbing a hand over my face, “we moved to New York and started our lives there. The years went by, and like any normal couple, our relationship progressed. One year over Christmas break, Tyson brought me back home, and after asking my parents for permission, he proposed.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I allow the warmth and love from that moment to seep back into my heart, a glimpse of what true love—or what I thought was true love—felt like. “You know that old saying that hindsight is twenty-twenty? Well, it’s true.”

Connor has been eerily silent and I peek up at him. I’m shocked when I don’t see pity swimming in his eyes. Empathy, yes, but no pity, and in this moment my respect for him grows. “We weren’t living our lives. I was living
my
life and Tyson was living around me. We were merely existing, and I wish I would’ve noticed it sooner. But it was too late. I came home from the hospital one night and found him sitting in the living room surrounded by suitcases.”

The pain from that moment pierces my heart. Lifting my hand, I prepare to rub away the ache—the same ache I get in the left side of my chest any time I think about that night. Only this time, the ache doesn’t come.

“Tell me the rest.” Connor’s voice is raspy, his eyes filled with emotion.

“He left me. Broke off the engagement, moved back home, and eventually won back the girl he truly was in love with.”

“His best friend.” It isn’t a question. Connor’s a smart man and he easily puts two and two together.

I nod. “Her name is Harley and, believe it or not,” I say, laughing mirthlessly, “I actually like her. I don’t want to like her, but I do. And I’m sure I would like Logan as well, but I just… I can’t put myself in that position again.” Reaching out, I wrap my hand around the doorknob, ready to make my escape—but not before finishing the story. I’ve come this far, so I may as well tell him the rest. “Tyson is adopting Harley’s son and they have a baby on the way. Three weeks ago they tied the knot.”

Connor’s eyes widen. “
Ad astra per aspera
,” he murmurs.

I scrunch my nose. “Huh?”

“Your tattoo.” Connor takes a hesitant step toward me. “You came into my shop on their wedding day. That’s why you got the tattoo.”

I take a deep breath but it catches in my throat, and I close my eyes to try and stop the building tears. There’s no point in denying it, but I also don’t want to talk about it. Opening my eyes, I step through the doorway and spin around to get one last look at Connor. His anger and frustration from moments ago are completely gone and his eyes are pleading with me to stay.

But I just can’t. By staying, I’m opening myself up to the kind of pain I experienced before, and that’s exactly what I’ve been afraid of.

I had a momentary lapse in judgment when I decided to let Connor in. My mistake. Either way, I’ll move on, and so will he.

Fuck. I don’t like the sound of that at all, but it’s for the best.

“The tattoo you got that day, what does it mean?” he asks, almost frantically.

“A rough road leads to the stars.” I don’t wait around to see his reaction or give him time to respond. “Goodbye, Connor.” I shut the door before he has the chance to stop me from leaving. Pressing my back against the wood, I squeeze my eyes shut and blow out a long, slow breath.

A few moments ago when I was talking about Tyson, I’d waited for my chest to ache. It never did. But now that I’ve walked away from Connor, the pain is back. This time, however, it’s so much more than an ache—it’s a stabbing pain that not only slices through my heart, it pierces my soul.

I
t’s been three days since I’ve seen Connor. Four thousand three hundred and twenty seconds, to be exact, and every single one of those I’ve been thinking about him. Since that night, he’s left me seven voicemails and fifteen texts, begging me to talk to him, and he’s stopped by the house twice. I know I’m a coward, but I just couldn’t. One look in that man’s eyes and I would’ve caved.

I keep telling myself it isn’t a big deal that his best friend is a woman. Except it
is
a big deal. Being second best in someone’s life isn’t something I’m willing to do—not again, at least.

“Are you going to turn the TV on, or just stare at the blank screen all night?” Casey asks, walking into the living room. She falls onto the couch next to me and nudges me with her elbow.

“I kind of like the blank screen.”

“Sure ya do.” She glances down at her watch, a knowing look on her face when her eyes meet mine. “It’s almost four.”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I do my best to appear unaffected. “So?”

“Sooooo,” she says. “Connor stopped by yesterday at four, and the day before that at four. I bet today won’t be any different.”

“Yes, well, we’re over. He needs to move on. It’s not like we were together long.” I laugh out loud at myself for saying that. I felt more with him in those few short days than I did after years with Tyson. That should mean something, and if I wasn’t being so stubborn, it probably would.

“You need to talk to him.” Leave it to my little sister to try and put me in my place. “Have you at least returned any of his texts or phone calls?” I shake my head and she rolls her eyes. “You’re being a little bitch.”

I rear back as though she just slapped me across the face. “Whose side are you on?”

“Yours,” she says. “Always yours. But even if I’m on your side, it doesn’t mean I think you’re making the right decision.”

“He had a half-naked woman in his house,” I yell, hoping it finally sinks into her brain. “A half-naked woman who just so happens to be his best friend. Does this not sound familiar to you? Do you remember the hell Tyson put me through?”

“Of course I do,” she says, understanding flashing in her eyes. “But Connor isn’t Tyson.”

“Tell that to my brain.”

“See, that’s the problem. You need to quit thinking about this with your head and start thinking about it with this big, fat muscle right here,” she says, poking me in the chest. “You are a doctor, right? You know which muscle I’m talking about.”

“Yes,” I say, slapping her hand away. “I know which muscle you’re talking about. But Case…I’m not sure I could survive another broken heart.”

“Well”—she pushes up from the couch, then puts her hands on her hips—“the mopey-ass look on your face tells me you’re already surviving one.”

“My heart isn’t breaking,” I say, giving her a tremulous smile. My eyes well with tears and a few slip past my lashes. Because even as I say it, I know it isn’t true. Connor and I may not have been together for very long, but I
really
did see a future together. “I wasn’t in love with Connor.”

“You don’t have to be in love for your heart to break.” Casey brushes a tear from my face and then walks away.

I’m not sure how long I sit and stare off into space, but I’m startled when a loud knock sounds at the door.

Come on, Connor.
You’re only making this harder on both of us.

Several seconds pass, and right when I think he gave up, another knock sounds. Maybe it’s best to just get this over with now, although I feel like I’ve said all I needed to say. Pushing up from the couch, I open the door and come face-to-face with… “Logan.”

“Hey.” She waves awkwardly. “Can I come in for a second?”

“Sure.” Stepping aside, I open the door wide. She walks in and follows me to the living room. Her eyes drift around my duplex. My gaze follows hers, and I realize that she must think it’s odd that the place is completely bare.

“I just moved in.” Scratching the top of my head, I try to come up with something to say,
something
to fill this awkward silence. I’ve got nothing.

“I know.” Logan brings her gaze back to me. “Connor told me.”

My skin prickles at the mention of his name. “Right. Connor.” Sucking my bottom lip in between my teeth, I nod.

“Connor’s crazy about you.”

Hold up
. What did she say? I expected her to come over here and yell at me, maybe try and start some sort of catfight, but I didn’t expect her to say
that
. Something on my face must clue her in to my confusion because she chuckles.

“It’s true.” I stare at her, trying to figure out how to respond. “Mind if I sit?” she asks.

“Please, have a seat.”

She sits on the couch, scooting toward the edge, but I stay standing. Logan’s shoulders droop. Her eyes fall to something in front of her, and for a brief second it’s as though she’s reliving some sort of memory. When she looks back up, her eyes are full of understanding. “I heard what you said to Logan. Eavesdropping isn’t typically my thing, but what can I say?” she says, shrugging. “I’m a woman.”

A bubble of laughter crawls up my throat and she visibly relaxes at the sound. “It’s okay. I have a sister. A nosy-ass sister. I understand.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” she says, once again catching me off guard. “I can’t imagine how difficult that must’ve been. I won’t pretend to understand what it felt like, because I’ve never been in love. But I do know what it’s like to come second to someone else.”

She’s offering me an olive branch. I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I take it. “You do?”

“Unfortunately.” Logan wraps a strand of hair around her fingers, twirling it. “My dad chose his girlfriend over me. It’s not something I like to think about, but I want you to know that I understand and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone,” she says, looking up at me. “Did Connor tell you how we met?” she asks.

“Foster care.”

“Yup. My dad neglected me and I was eventually taken away from him. I bounced around several horrible foster homes, but the day of my last move was the luckiest day of my life.”

“It was?” I ask, curious. Why on earth would moving into a new foster home be the best day of someone’s life?

“It was. Because that’s the day I met my brother.” I didn’t miss that Logan emphasized the word
brother
. “Connor and I might not share the same blood, but he is my family in every sense of the word. Do I love Connor? Yes, but not the way you’re afraid of. And trust me, I understand why you’d be afraid.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I don’t necessarily agree with it—which is why I’m here—but I understand. Putting yourself out there like that, in the same situation you were in before? That would be terrifying. I’m not sure I could do it, so I wouldn’t expect you to.”

“But you just said you don’t agree with me,” I say, my brows dipping low.