Living in Secret: Living In..., Book 3 (17 page)

“You don’t want the lawyer?” Connor hissed in her ear. “You may regret it.”

His other hand, warm and sure, moved over the curve of her butt, then squeezed. Hard. She kicked out at him, panting, only to feel his thumb slide between her buttocks, circling then pressing down on the sensitive opening there.

She gasped, turning her head on the sheets as a wave of heat engulfed her. She’d never had anyone touch her there and now he was…he was…

“Connor!” His name burst from her as his thumb pressed harder, pushing inside her. “Ah, God…” Her fingers curled in the sheets, the filthy pleasure of the sensation stealing the air from her lungs.

“You like that, don’t you?” His voice was a whisper, the warmth of his breath stealing over her bare shoulder. “My thumb here. But you’re such a dirty little girl I think you’d prefer my cock instead. In fact, I think you’d love to have my cock there.”

Victoria screwed her eyes shut, his thumb moving gently, in stark contrast to the rough words and the weight of his palm pressing in the small of her back. She could hardly breathe as sensation began to pull tight, a vicious, brutal kind of climax waiting for her.

This was wrong. This was dirty. She loved it. And she wanted more.

“Don’t be coy,” she panted, shoving herself back against his hand. “Tell me where you want to put your cock.”

There was a pause, a little flare of satisfaction curling inside her as she realized she’d surprised him. Then unexpectedly he laughed, a husky, wholly sexual sound that shivered over her like a caress. It was almost shocking. She’d never heard him laugh like that.

“Christ, you’re amazing.” His lips brushed against her ear, his teeth closing down on her earlobe in a hard nip. “I want to put my cock in your ass, you sexy bitch. That explicit enough for you?”

He moved his thumb again, as if to emphasize the point and she bit back a groan. “So stop talking about it and do it. Or is lawyer Connor getting in the way again?”

The weight on her back disappeared, his arm coming down near her head as he braced himself. “I don’t want to hurt you.” There was a rough need in his voice and a note of concern that had her throat tightening.

“That didn’t appear to bother you when you fucked me up against the wall downstairs,” she pointed out.

“This is different. We’ve never done this before.”

“We hadn’t done it up against a wall before either but that didn’t stop us.” It was nice he’d thought of her, that her comfort mattered to him. But then he had right the way through their little arrangement, hadn’t he? Rearranging her clothes. Cooking her dinner. Giving her space when she needed it. And pushing her, all the time pushing her whether he knew it or not, to be herself.

The tightness in her throat moved down into her chest.

“Are you sure?” His breath feathered over her nape.

She was shivering and it wasn’t anything to do with the sex.

You fall for him and this will be the end of you. The end of the person you want to be.

There would be no more cool. No more reserve. No more containment. Nothing to hide behind anymore.

Fear gripped her, clutching at her throat so tight she could hardly breathe.

“We don’t have to, Victoria,” he said quietly, misinterpreting her hesitation and shifting a little, withdrawing his thumb from her. “There’s no pressure.”

She could run right now. Run right out of this house and never come back. She’d only miss out on two more days.

You promised him you wouldn’t run.

She swallowed and didn’t move. Because it wasn’t only her promise that held her still. She wanted the freedom they’d only just discovered. Freedom from the secrets, from the excuses, from each other’s expectations. She wanted the passion, the desire and the hunger. The giving over of herself to sensation, and to hell with the consequences. She wanted one last taste before they went back to their separate lives.

And that was stronger by far than her fear.

Which meant she’d just have to not fall for him.

“Why?” she asked thickly, wanting to goad him. “Don’t tell me you’re scared of a little butt sex, lawyer man?”

“Jesus, you do love playing with fire.” He nipped her ear again. “Okay then, you asked for it. Now stay exactly like that. I have to go get a couple of things.”

He pushed himself away, the warmth of his body disappearing.

Victoria kept her eyes shut, her heartbeat thundering in her ears. She could hear his footsteps moving over to the nightstand and a drawer being pulled out then pushed back in again. The sound of him returning.

Her fingers curled tighter in the sheet as anticipation began to build. And when he finally touched her she shivered all over because it wasn’t where she expected, a light finger trailing down the length of her spine. She sighed then felt his thumb, slippery with a cold liquid that must have been lube, push between her buttocks again, easing inside her, beginning to work the liquid into her exquisitely sensitive opening.

Goose bumps broke out all over her skin and she gasped at the sensation, that wicked, vicious pleasure starting to build. A distant part of her wanted to fight it, wanted to hold out against it like it was a line she couldn’t cross. But she was through with that part of herself. She was going to give in, revel in the sensation, take the pleasure and run with it because it wouldn’t happen again. She couldn’t do this with another man. She wouldn’t be able to do this with
any
other men. Only Connor.

You’re falling. Don’t.

The breath escaped her in a rush, her eyes opening. Directly beside the bed were the doors of the closet. The ones closest to the head of the bed weren’t mirrored but the ones toward the end were. And she could see him standing behind her. She could see the moment when he reached out and stroked her spine while he worked his thumb, the look on his face fierce with hunger, and something else she couldn’t read.

And the pleasure grew, twined with a tight, needy sensation in her chest.

There was tenderness in the touch on her spine and yet a hard, insistent pressure from his thumb, the combination of both making her want to squirm against his hand to get herself off and yet burst into tears at the same time.

She closed her eyes against the sight, fighting the tightness in her chest. Pushing herself against his probing thumb, wanting that sensation instead.

But his hand came down hard on one buttock, making her jerk at the unexpected smack. “Stop,” he ordered sharply. “Keep still otherwise you won’t get what you want, greedy girl.”

God, she wanted to push that boundary too, explore that sensation as well, because it too was better than the feeling behind her ribs. The ache at the back of her throat.

But before she could make the decision, she heard a crinkle of foil and felt him gently part her buttocks. And then the head of his cock was pressing against her ass. She shuddered at the sensation of pressure. He pushed a little harder, the tight ring of muscle giving and unexpected tears started behind her eyes. She’d been expecting pain but still.

“You okay?” he asked thickly. “Shall I stop? Fuck, you’re so tight.”

Perhaps he should. Perhaps this was too much.

She opened her eyes again, her gaze drawn helplessly to the reflection in the mirror. His hands were gripping her hips, his tall, broad figure positioned behind her and there was something unbearably erotic about the look on his face. It was all tension and hunger, desire and desperation. Yet all tightly leashed. Holding himself back. For her.

Don’t fall. Don’t.

No, of course she wouldn’t. And she was letting the emotions get to her, rather than the physical aspect of the sex. Which meant she needed to go through with this, prove to herself she was stronger. Besides, they’d already crossed so many lines, what was one more? There was only forward from this moment. And once it was over, once they’d come out the other side of wherever this was going, they’d both finally be free.

“Keep going,” she said hoarsely.

So he did. Gently. Rocking into her in short, slow movements. Deepening his penetration by increments. And she kept her gaze on his face, watching mesmerized as the tension in it is pulled even tighter.

There wasn’t so much pain now, only pressure. An intense stretching sensation that made her tremble, another wave of heat going through her. She felt full and at the same time empty. The pleasure deep and yet not enough.

“C-Connor.” His name escaped without her permission and his gaze shifted, found hers in the mirror. Held.

Her throat ached. She wanted to look away, close her eyes, but she couldn’t seem to do so.

Falling…

He didn’t speak, his eyes locked with hers, his hips moving, pushing deeper and deeper. There were no more dirty words, no more dirty names. Only an intimacy that made her feel utterly defenseless, even more exposed than she had been when he’d watched her with Raphael.

“Connor,” she said again, not really knowing whether she wanted him to stop or to look away, only that she needed to say his name.

Again, he didn’t reply. He was all the way inside her now, a heavy, insistent pressure, pausing only to slide one arm around her waist and hold her hard against him.

She found she was panting, trembling, completely caught by the intensity of his gaze.

He began to move again, the push of his hips picking up speed, becoming a little more forceful. Watching her in the mirror. Seeing her. And she wanted to tell him to look away, anything so he wouldn’t see the pleasure she was getting from this. The way the sensation was breaking her apart.

“Victoria,” he said roughly and she felt his other hand move against her stomach, sliding down between her thighs, finding the tight little bud of her clit. Circling it. Electricity fired through her in an intense, hard burst.

Victoria.
Not all those erotic, exciting words he’d called her before. Words she could hide behind, masks she could wear for a while and put down again afterwards.

Only her name. Her real name.

Falling so hard…

“No,” she gasped as his circling fingers moved lower, stroking the folds of her sex.

“Yes.” Two fingers slid inside her, thrusting in time with the push of his cock. His gaze unwavering, locked on hers. “You’re my Victoria. My dirty, beautiful, sexy Victoria.”

And much to her horror, she felt her eyes fill with tears again, the wild, raw pleasure turning inside her. Unstoppable. Inexorable.

“I’m not.” Her voice was a thread, a thin whisper of sound.

“You are.” He twisted his fingers, his eyes glittering in the dim light of the room, the expression on his face savage with desire. “You’re mine, Victoria. Mine.” And he brushed his thumb over her clit.

The orgasm exploded through her, a supernova of pure sensation, electrifying her, a scream tearing from her throat. And still she couldn’t look away from him, every nerve ending igniting, tears overflowing and running down her cheeks, sobs catching her throat. Watching the blue of his eyes become brilliant, his expression agonized as his rhythm changed, became jerky. A growling roar escaped him, the unguarded pleasure in his face incandescent.

It was only then she was able to tear her gaze away, burying her hot cheeks in the cool cotton of the pillowcase.

She’d been right to be afraid. He’d broken her. Systematically laid waste to the person she was trying to be, reducing her to nothing but shattered pieces.

Fallen.

And she had no idea how she was going to rebuild herself again.

Chapter Eleven

Connor woke at his usual time of six a.m., way earlier than he would have liked, but the irritation of that was mitigated by the fact that when he turned his head, there was a naked woman sprawled on the bed beside him. And not just any naked woman. Victoria.

She was lying on her stomach, her head buried in the pillow, very firmly asleep. The sheet had slipped off her, revealing long limbs and delicious curves, a black storm of curls against the white cotton of the pillowcase.

He turned on his side, studying her for a long moment. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d slept in the same bed, still less woken up together. Certainly he’d never woken up to find her naked beside him.

An overwhelming sense of satisfaction settled inside him and he couldn’t help reaching out to trail his fingers over the smooth curve of her back.

He felt…strangely hollow. But this time the feeling was a good one. As if something that had turned poisonous had been drained away, leaving an empty, clean sort of feeling.

Perhaps it was just the sex, but he didn’t think so. There was more to it than that. Certainly the sex between them had uncovered things, unlocked parts of themselves they’d never known existed. And those parts seem to fit together very well.

They fit perfectly.

Especially last night. And it hadn’t been in the tight feel of her ass around his cock, or the dirty fantasy he’d imagined finally becoming reality. It was in the conviction in her voice when she’d told him what he’d done to his father was a matter of survival, his and his mother’s. That he hadn’t had a choice. The utter certainty of it had had him protesting purely because he wanted to believe her so very badly and just couldn’t let himself.

It had also been in the look in her eyes as he’d met her gaze in the mirror. An intense and complicated look. Because behind the desire and pleasure in her face had been what looked like fear. And longing. A wordless question demanding an answer. So he’d given it.

Mine. You’re mine, Victoria.

He’d never been possessive but in that moment he’d felt it so strongly he hadn’t been able to keep quiet. And not just for her sexy body and her uninhibited passion. He also wanted her belief in him, her conviction, and her complete certainty he was not the man he was secretly afraid he was. No one else had ever given him that and he didn’t want to share it.

She’d showed that side of herself to no one else but him. Even with Raphael, she hadn’t been as naked as she’d been last night with him.

And you don’t want her being naked like that with anyone else but you.

He let out a breath, his fingers trailing over the curve of her ass as he accepted the truth of it. No, he didn’t and that was a problem when in a couple of days all of this would be over and they would both be free to go on with their lives.

You also don’t want it to be over.

Connor’s hand stilled in the small of her back, the warmth of her skin against his palm. Something heavy shifted inside his chest. Knowledge. Certainty.

No, he didn’t want it to be over. Last night they’d crossed a line in more ways than one. In sharing their secrets and then their bodies, they’d been themselves.

And she’d accepted him. The man he’d been hiding, the man he was behind the shell that was Connor Blake, lawyer. More than accepted him, she’d wanted him.

And he wanted her, the woman he’d uncovered. Not just to have in his bed, but to get to know. Her thoughts and desires, her dreams.

But he only had one more night left and that wasn’t enough for someone as complicated and fascinating as Victoria. He needed longer. Another week. A month. Maybe even a year.

There will never be enough time.

His breath caught and abruptly he turned and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, pausing a moment.

No, he didn’t know how long it would take to get enough of Victoria. But one thing he was sure of, one more night wasn’t going to cut it. He wanted more. He wanted longer.

Pushing himself off the bed, he headed toward the shower, still thinking.

The time for running away from what was happening between them was over. He needed to talk to her. Lay out what he wanted. He had no guarantees she would feel the same way, of course, especially considering she was planning on leaving the country. But maybe he could get her to put it off. Because surely this was worth it?

Once he was showered and dressed for work, he headed down to the kitchen and pulled some bacon and eggs from the fridge. Protein for breakfast was exactly what they both needed for this kind of discussion.

He had coffee brewing on the stove and was halfway through cooking the eggs and bacon when Victoria appeared in the doorway. Unfortunately she was not wearing his shirt the way she had the night before, but the clothes she’d arrived in last night, the shirt and blouse looking a little worse for wear, her hair loose down her back. Not Victoria-the-lawyer, and yet not dirty-girl-Victoria either. More like a pretty damn sexy combination of the two.

“Why don’t you sit down?” he said, gesturing to the breakfast bar. “I’ll get you some coffee while the eggs cook.”

“It’s okay.” Her voice was cool. “I’ll pick up a coffee on the way to work. I have to go home to get changed anyway.” There was a slightly guarded look in her eyes, one he didn’t like, that made his heart tighten behind his ribs.

“It’s one coffee, Victoria. Stay. I have something I want to discuss.”

She leaned against the doorframe and he experienced a sudden, weird sense of dislocation. Last night she’d leaned against that doorframe in nothing but one of his business shirts. And before that, years before, as his wife, he’d seen her do the same thing, all cool and reserved, stopping to say goodbye as she went off to work. Or saying hello as she arrived home.

Now this woman was there, in the doorway. A mixture of the wild, passionate woman who’d screamed into the mattress the night before and the contained and brilliant lawyer he’d married. The woman who’d gotten all his secrets out of him. Who hadn’t been afraid.

“Discuss what?” she said. “I don’t want to be late for work.”

The sharp, unexpected edges of disappointment cut into him, like the teeth of a newly sharpened saw. Because he could see already the guarded look in her eyes wasn’t changing. That, if possible, it was becoming even more guarded, even more wary. She was protecting herself. Withdrawing herself from him.

Well, too bad. He’d stayed silent, kept quiet for too many years and now the time for silence was over. They had to be honest with each other if there was to be any hope for them.

And he wanted there to be hope. Because for perhaps for the first time in years, he had something he wanted more than justice.

He flicked the gas element off and dropped the spatula onto the counter with a clatter. Turned to face her. “Screw work. This is more important.”

She stared at him for a long time, a complicated expression in her dark eyes. One he couldn’t read for the life of him. “What is more important?”

“This. Us. What happened last night.”

“What do you mean what happened last night?”

“You know what I’m talking about. We shared something, Victoria. Not just our secrets and not just our dirty little fantasies. We shared ourselves with each other in a way we haven’t before. Don’t you think that’s important?”

Her gaze flickered and she shifted against the doorframe. “I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at.”

She didn’t want to understand, he realized. She didn’t want to know. Fine. He’d spell it out for her so they were both utterly clear.

“I don’t want this to be over at the end of the week,” he said flatly. “We have something between us we’ve never had before and I want more of it. I want to explore it, see where it takes us.”

She blinked then looked away from him, down at the floor, her hands clasped in front of her. “I see.”

“Good. Does that mean you agree?”

Her attention remained on the floor and she was silent a long moment. Then abruptly she lifted her head. “So you really think after a few days of sex I’d be willing to give up my position in London, my travel plans, my entire future, to stay here and ‘explore’ more sex with you?” There was a stain of red along her cheekbones and a spark gleamed in her dark eyes. Anger.

“I’m not asking you to give up anything. But maybe you might want to postpone it.”

“Are you completely out of your mind?”

“No, I’m not. In fact, for the first time in five fucking years I’m actually thinking clearly for once.”

“Well, good for you. But I’m afraid I’m going to have to refuse. You wanted a week and that’s what I’m giving you. No more. So if you’ll excuse me, I’d better get—”

“Don’t be a fucking coward, Victoria,” he interrupted, anger and disappointment beginning to bite. And this time he didn’t fight them. He let them loose. “You always run away when things get tough and I get it, you’re protecting yourself. But you don’t need to do that anymore, not with me. Haven’t we gotten beyond that?”

She didn’t reply immediately, staring at him. Then she pushed herself away from the doorframe, standing in the doorway like she was about to take flight. “What do you seriously expect to have happen from this ‘exploration’, Connor?” she demanded. “You want to go back to our marriage? Is that it?”

“If you mean what we had before, then Christ, no. I don’t.” He took a step toward her. “I want what we had this week. I want the good parts of our marriage and the passion as well.” Another step, holding her gaze. “I want what I saw in your eyes when you looked at me in the mirror last night.” The same look Lily had given Kahu. Finally, finally. As if he’d been the only person in her entire universe…

The hectic color had faded from her face, leaving her pale, her eyes even darker. “I don’t know what you saw in the mirror last night. We had sex. That’s all. And a couple of extra truths thrown in for good measure is not a basis to go building anything on, still less rebuilding a marriage already broken before we even tied the knot.”

Of course she would deny it. That’s what she did when she felt threatened, he knew that now. But still the deep surge of anger that went through him caught him off guard. “Bull
shit,
Victoria. It wasn’t just about the sex and you know it.”

“But that’s just it. I
don’t
know it.” Her chin lifted. “So why don’t you tell me what you think it’s all about?”

He closed the distance between them, for once not thinking, only acting. And when he reached her, he took her proud, determined chin in his hand, tilting her head back so she could look into his eyes. So she could see. “It’s about us, Victoria. Being real with each other. Being ourselves for the first time in five fucking years the way you said last night. No secrets. No masks. And no fear.” He searched her face, looking deep into her guarded brown eyes. “Don’t you want that? Because I do. I want it so goddamned much it hurts.” He knew as soon as he said it that it was true. He wanted it. He wanted her. Right down to his bones, to his soul.

More than he wanted anything else. More than atonement or absolution or forgiveness for his sins. More than he wanted to protect himself and keep himself safe.

She was more important than any of that and what they’d discovered together, what they could be together, was worth paying any price for.

And it was strange how, understanding that, the anger just flowed out of him, leaching away. A calm settling down inside him he hadn’t felt for years, if ever. He knew what he wanted now. What he had to fight for.

Last night he’d told her everything and she hadn’t run. More than that. She’d believed he wasn’t what he’d always thought, what he’d always feared. A violent, angry man, just like his father. She’d called what he’d done survival. A war. And you didn’t have a choice with a war. You only had to fight.

Well, now it was time for another fight. Another battle. But this time it wouldn’t be survival he’d be fighting for, it would be her. Down to the last of his strength.

“Victoria,” he said softly, releasing her chin, his hand dropping to where hers were, clasped together over her stomach. “Let’s try this. Let’s see where it takes us. Let’s try again.”

She was breathing fast, her jaw tight, the expression in her eyes almost anguished. “Connor…I…”

He took one of her hands in his, twining his fingers through hers and holding on. “Please.”

Her mouth closed and for a second she was still. Then slowly and with great care she extracted her fingers from his grip. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

The loss of her warmth was a shadow over the sun, an ache in his heart. “Why not?”

Unexpectedly her guarded look crumbled, and he saw the sheen of tears in her eyes. “Because I’m not what you want. I’m not who you want. I never have been. And I never will be.”

He wanted to touch her then, wanted to take her in his arms. Show her she was exactly what he wanted. Only sex wasn’t going to solve this one. It had been the catalyst that had brought them to this point. But it wouldn’t take them beyond it. For that, there needed to be more.

There has to be love.

The emotion he’d always dreaded, clouded by violence and the sound of his father’s shouts, his mother’s screams, the smack of a fist into unprotected flesh. He’d never wanted love, never sought it. But he knew in that moment that’s what he’d seen in her eyes last night. That’s what he’d felt in his heart.

“You are what I want,” he said, the rough edge of emotion creeping into his voice and he let it. “You’re exactly what I want.”

She shook her head as if denying it. “No. You want someone else, Connor. A different woman. And I’m not her.”

It hurt. It goddamn hurt. Because he knew what he saw in her, he knew what she was. “You
are
her, Victoria. That’s who you are inside. Why can’t you see that?”

Her expression closed up. “You don’t understand. I don’t
want
to be her. I don’t
want
to have anything to do with her.” Acid edged her words, a bitter self-loathing he’d never heard before. “
She
walked away from her baby.
She
walked away from her own child. And all because she was trying to live up to some impossible set of expectations. Trying to make her parents’ sacrifice worth it. Who would ever want anything to do with a woman like that?”