Lizard World (11 page)

      
“Good even, Your Grace,” says I and doffed my hat, since these brutes, and moreover their prince, thus did fawn and crouch before him.

      
“Motochichi,” says he and uprear’d his hand, as if ’twere in benediction.

      
Thereupon did this now multitudinous press of brutes chaunt “Motochichi” and “Motochichi” yet again, in most hideous and deafening clamour. For this dotard, so I did hereafter learn, was the bishop of their devilry, who had progress’d hither, as was his wont, to procure a nubile harlot for his god.

      
’Twas thus, beneath an argent moon, that full two score of these naked females did crowd and cower, amongst whom in especial I beheld this salvage prince’s daughter, whom I had but rarely seen ere this, so chastely and withal so coyly was she cloistered. For tho’ this barbarous prince was most seeming liberal of his hogs and captives and other such chattel, yet of this his daughter he was most chary -- like one who doth regale his guests with offal but is most niggard of the sweetmeats. But now yet again, as when first I beheld her, this salvage belle his daughter did trifle with my gaze and giggle and eke did cross her hands athwart her privy chose, as tho’ she were all modesty and relished not the sport. Egad, methought, ’twere pity that the crokadells should have so sweet a morsel, and thus ’twas I vowed unto myself that I would hoodwink her father and thereby find occasion for her swiving.

      
“Motochichi! Motochichi!” yet did din this rabble in my ears, whilst roundabout these females a monstrous herd of salvages now gathered with flambeaux -- as if they meant to journey in the night. Tho’ as yet I wist not how to set the springe whereon my bird might settle, meseemed it best to company these brutes. Therefore did Simkyn Potter and such other of my creatures whose business it was to bring my chair or to carry my sundry necessaries -- like my dulcimer and my close-stool and my fragrance bottles -- betake themselves to their several charges. ’Twas most fortunate that, against the accident of untoward odours, I have ever kept a phial of rose-water in my doublet. For tho’ ’twas but a pissing-while that I must await my chair, yet these salvages bustled themselves with such odious proximity to my person that perforce I did uncork it and besprent my glove withal.

      
Whilst thus I relieved my nose with goodly odour, the ancient priest of whom I spake before did snuff at my rose-water, inhale most deeply of its smell and seem most pleased thereby. Wherefore I instantly vouchsafed him my phial, a gift I did confer with much smiling, lowering of the eyes and raising of the voice, much as one humours any ancient fool. Nor was I unrequited for my bounty. For from this old-sire I presently learnt that the white crokadell was most prized for its perfume and that whereas the crokadells of this wretched village were but, as ’twere, lesser gods to whom these heathens proffered worship, the very bishopric and cathedral of their idolatry was a holy cavern two days hence. Of all this I did at length come to understand from this age-enfeebled priest, tho I were loth to say he told it me, for I knew but little of his gibberish and therefore did content myself with much parley of the hands and nodding of the head, as one who doth hold converse in dumbshow with an ape.

“At
your Lordship’s service,” now says Simkyn Potter, who together with this Satchunk now shouldreth my litter -- into which I had no sooner entered and commenced my journey, than I looked out from my window on the night. And there for the last I beheld that precipice, that river rich in monstrous copulations, those wretched hovels ’neath the stars. But ’twas most melancholy, whilst thus I took my leave of this barbarous village, to behold withal my erstwhile footman Bromley, if indeed it were he. For -- yet bound to the stake before that fire -- he was so unseemly fouled and swollen, that he quite defied recognizance.

V.

      
We journeyed thorough the night and following day and ’twas night-time yet again ere we rested, albeit rest I had none. For these salvages were most prolifique of their ranting and I was grievously disquieted by muskittos. The day following proved nothing better. For altho’ within my litter I endeavoured to peruse the Spanyard’s booke for some further intelligence of Elixir, yet read I could not, because that this Satchunk had lamed her shank bone, which so greatly marred her carrying that I began to be much sea-sick. The pity is, whilst we forded streams or ascended hillocks, I had abundant cause to chastise her stumbling, yea, and regret her festering. For apace she had become much sluggish, mulish and infested by flyes which too oft did presume upon the precincts of my person.

      
In sooth this salvagess of late had become much delinquent to her duty, most saucy and averse to lifting, so that more than once I had recourse to the whipp, tho’ this was most contrarious to my nature. But exceedingly I feared that the ardour of my animal spirits had given occasion to this her surly reluctance and too great familiarity. And therefore I had full many a tiresome hour to lament that I ever had been enchanted by her smell.

  
   
Howsomever, at length and after a most nauseous journey, we approached a palizado, which I did surmize enclosed the very temple of these heathens’ mummery. For the crude stakes thereof were embellished with no end of leathern heads and hands and a wondrous deal of bones. Maugre this claptrap of the charnell house, at the first I beheld nought else therein but a stinking fen and the mouth of a prodigious cavern. Of a certainty, I also beheld therein a plenteous herd of crokadells, afloat upon this stew of slime or couchant on the mud, but nought else which might explain this fearsome palizado. Altho’ the mud in there was bestrewn, here and there, with still more butcher’s rubbish -- heads and hands in abundance -- yet what did most alarm was that the cavern’s mouth was quite over-glutted with this offal.

      
Indeed there I did behold such a heap of putrefactious meat, commix’d with golden gugaws and posies of butter-flowers which the salvages had left, that methought I should heave my gorge for the stench and go stone-deaf for the buzzing of the flyes.
  

      
“Motochichi! Motochichi! Motochichi!”

      
’Twas thus -- whilst I looked and unhappily smelt betwixt the stakes of this devilish palizado -- that of a sudden my ears were assailed by a most displeasing hubbub. Aye, presently these salvages did quite over-boil with their wretchedness. For their dotard priest had scrambled to a clift of rocks above them -- and there did he now stand holding by the hair what methought had once been a maiden’s head the which, tho’ sadly spoiled, did much provoke their merriment.
 

      
I have ever found that the nose, either when replete with phlegmatique matter or distressed by a surfeit of noisome odours, is most readily commoded by a pinch of soveraign snuff. Therefore, against this abundant foulness, did I now avail myself of my ivoried snuff-mill, the which my cousin Belinda had given me for a remembrance, and therewith did I seat myself upon a rock whilst roundabout me these sweated salvages did wag their spears and otherwise persist in their obstreperous devilry. Whilst thus I ground my tabacco to an excellent rappee, I much bethought me of Belinda and our frolics in the barn. Yea, and I sighed for her lying-in and to think that she now did slumber in a distant churchyard. And whilst I was prey to these most melancholy reflections, a shriek -- such as a wilder’d harpie might make -- did issue from the bowels of that cavern. And therefore were these salvages yet more fervid in their merriment.

      
I wore that day, I well remember, my yellow nankeen breeches and waistcoat and because that this garb was passing hot and I was most loth to be sunburnt, I now commanded this Satchunk to bring my parasol, the which duty she performed with pleasing alacrity. For ’twas most agreeable that, like a dog who hath been beaten and thereafter doth cringe and fawn, so this saucy-face did now most craven tend unto my person. Yea, so excellent docile had she become and withal so fearful lest again she raise my ire, that I did not scruple moreover to send her for my portmanteau and a dram of brandy. For I was most weary from my journey and would no longer brook her slothful sullens.

      
All this mean whiles did the prince of these salvages, companied by his sow, divers of his courtiers and the general rabblement, await in most rabid perturbation upon the vile ministrations of their priest. For whilst thus I sate and partook my snuff and brandy, and elsewise manfully endeavoured to refresh my person of the infinite wretchedness of these brutes, their priest did kiss that rotted head of which I spake before, and spitted into its lips and drank therefrom and committed other suchlike disgustful abominations. At the last, when he had quite taken his pleasure of this rotted head, this old-sire did totter from that clift whereon he stood and with wondrous slow step and palsied grin betook himself to a beggarly sodden hovel -- a mound of muck and hay within but a stone’s throw of my now most sorely vexed repose.

      
Whilst thus I tarried before that stenchful palizado and much apprehended what further villainy this ancient swine might do, he plucked aside the hide which served for door into that hovel, discovering therein a hugeous white crokadell the which drowzed within a tub of whitish stone -- or white it seemed, tho’ much fouled and o’erspread with flyes. Straightways this priest (fearing not this dragon but rather desiring, I doubted not, some satisfaction of unnatural companionship) reached beneath its privities and, deft as any milk-maid, drew off a plenteous beveridge.

      
Upon the consummation of this loathsomeness, at which my stomack turned, these salvages (jumping roundabout my person) were so jubilant that methought my ears would burst for the bellowing. Aye, so exceeding merry were these brutes that, one after t’other, they now threw their baubles and posies of flowers o’er the top of the palizado and onto the scarlet heap of putritude in the very shadow of the cavern’s mouth.

VI.

      
It now befell that this right insufferable old stinkard raised aloft in hand his crosier staff, whereat these wretches of a sudden fell most deliciously silent, one and all, with exception that some two score naked females and their clutching dams could not forbear their irksome whimpering. Indeed amongst these females I could hardly fail to remark my own most luscious charmer, whose tears rendered her yet more keenly winsome, albeit the pendulous dugs of her blubbering dam did some-deal blunt my appetite.

      
“Milord,” now says Simkyn Potter, surmizing how maddingly my pintle yearned, “is’t not a grievous plaguy waste of quim?”

      
“Marry, Sirrah,” says I, “and there’s a guinea for thy trouble if thou dost show me how to bed her.”

      
How slave-like did this low fellow grin! Yea, for a guinea, I doubted not, he would have whored his very grandam and buggered her to boot, so aptly did this varlet bow and scrape.

      
No sooner did he haste to this employment, than these misfortunate females gan to rend the silence with their bleating. Yea, as a herd of frighted ewes, all at once they scattered and -- most affectingly -- they might have scaped, had not a swarm of bare-arst salvages right knavishly held them in. Their churlish priest (as if ere this he had not evidenced a sufficieny of vileness) now did close his eyes and lift his cup of slime and, whilst these piteous naked females shrieked and scurried to and fro, full solemnly toddle after them as tho’ he aimed to play at blindman-buff.

      
That most pert and moody Satchunk did this mean while proffer my brushes and powders, my pommades and patches, my looking-glass and other such needments of my toilet according as her duty bade. Natheless, all such refinement was, for the nonce, quite out of the question. Indeed, I had not so much as powdered my periwig when this dotard priest laid hand upon my hapless charmer, causing her dam to fall aground and squeal so abundantly that perforce I did put down my glass and powder. For tho’ this salvage mother was but a filthy, coarse and most unsightly creature, I could not well refuse to grant her my condolements. Why, I now even brought myself to clench the brute, tho’ the odour of her hair beggerd all description.

      
’Twas presently that I gan to hanker for my pistol, albeit I knew not how I might fare amongst such an intolerable deal of salvages. But ’twas not their smell, nay, nor their flyes, nor even the unplumbed doltishness of these wretches that thus o’ertaxed my patience. Nay, ’twas rather how their vile priest now did grin and glue unto my charmer whilst he raised his cup of slime and therewithal besmeared her, scrupling not the while to finger her paps and buttocks in my stead. I had, I say, all but rammed my flint-lock. But then, of a sudden, a wildered shriek again did issue from that cavern’s mouth, wherefore the crokadells which ere this had slumbered on the ooze did start awake and clamber post-haste to the muddy deep. Methought now, whilst I looked betwixt the timbers of that palizado, that in that shadowed cavern I beheld a face, wondrous disfigured, intangled in hair, and yet ’twas but a moment ere it vanished.