Lizzie's War (19 page)

Lizzie had an awful foreboding. She wanted to call out to Beth, to warn her to come back, but Beth didn't catch her eye and then they had gone out to the waiting car. It was too late now. She was Bernie's wife and he wouldn't just let her walk off.

No, she was being silly. Bernie was in love with Beth and he was probably just a bit nervous on his wedding day. She hadn't seen dislike in his eyes when he looked at her. Lizzie must have mistaken it – or it was a trick of the light, and yet Bernie seemed to be telling her that he'd got Beth now and she'd better keep her distance or else…

*

Beth woke to hear the sounds coming from the adjoining bathroom and a feeling of distaste crept over her. Bernie was washing, cleaning his teeth to be more precise, and the noise of his gargling and spitting irritated her. She closed her eyes as she tried to shut out the previous night, when he'd spent nearly half an hour in the bathroom before coming to her. She hadn't found the sound of his ablutions particularly romantic and when he finally climbed into bed beside her, she'd wanted to push him away – but of course she couldn't. It was what being married was all about as far as Bernie was concerned. He'd promised her so many things and Beth knew she had to keep her side of the bargain.

It was bearable after the first couple of minutes when he climbed on top of her, and after a quick fumble at her breasts he'd parted her legs and thrust into her. Had she been a virgin it would have been unbearably painful, but because she'd had the twins she hardly felt anything. It crossed her mind that Bernie was much smaller down there than Mark had been, and he was certainly no great lover. Half a dozen thrusts and it was over, leaving Beth feeling empty but relieved. After a moment, he rolled off her, pecked at her cheek and then closed his eyes.

Within minutes Bernie was snoring. Beth knew he'd drunk quite a bit that evening after they arrived at the hotel in Brighton. It was a lovely place, what Beth would call posh, and they'd had a nice meal of roast chicken with potatoes and beans, accompanied by some lovely wine. Beth had drunk two glasses, because it helped to ease her nerves, but Bernie had finished the bottle.

His efforts at making love had been pitiful, but at least it had been over quickly, Beth thought. Maybe she could bear it, if only he wouldn't spend so much time making those revolting noises in the bathroom! She'd been a fool to sacrifice personal happiness for security, but she'd made her decision and she must live with it.

Beth sat up cautiously, keeping the sheets up to her breasts as Bernie came back into the bedroom. He hardly glanced at her as he said, ‘You can use the bathroom now. You were sleeping so I went first. You need to be quick, because breakfast will be over in half an hour – and we want our money's worth, because they know how to charge here.'

‘It's a nice place,' she said, pulling her dressing gown round her as she got out of bed. ‘It was kind of you to bring me here, Bernie.'

‘I'd do anything for you, love,' he said, but his eyes gleamed. ‘I expect value for my money though – always have, always will.'

Beth wasn't sure he was talking just about the hotel. Had he noticed that she wasn't very responsive to him the previous night? Beth hadn't refused him, but she hadn't exactly welcomed him with any degree of warmth. She wasn't sure now why she'd been so nervous, but she would try to do better in future. After all, Bernie had given her a lovely wedding, as well as presents for herself and the children. He would expect something in return and it probably wasn't enough to keep his house nice and cook a decent meal in the evenings.

Her practical side had reasserted itself. She'd chosen this path and there was no going back. It was only right to show him a bit of affection now and then. Walking over to where he stood before the mirror, Beth put her arms about him and kissed his neck.

‘You're a lovely man, Bernie, and I'm lucky to have you.'

To her surprise he shrugged her off, moving away from her sharply. ‘That's enough of that, Beth. I don't hold with silly stuff at this hour of the day. You just be ready for me at night and we shall suit all right.'

Beth felt as if he'd thrown cold water over her, but something switched off inside her. If that was what he wanted it was all right with her. She'd lie there and let him have his own way and she would never try to show affection again. She should have cancelled the wedding. She'd been afraid of her father's disappointment and hadn't had the courage to cancel things at the last minute – but she'd thought Bernie really loved her and she didn't want to hurt him. If he called a quick fumble in bed loving, he wasn't the man Beth had expected, but if it was what he wanted she couldn't object because she'd married him for what he could give her and this was the price she must pay.

She turned away and went into the bedroom, wishing that she'd thought things out for longer and then told him no – but he'd always been there when she needed help and the children seemed to get on with him; he could make them stop screaming with a touch of his fingers and Matt needed a firm hand or he would get out of control. Her parents had seemed to want to see her settled – and Beth had felt awkward when Sebastian came back and married Lizzie, and it had scared her thinking that she might have to manage alone. She'd known she couldn't go on living in Lizzie's home forever and it'd seemed that her best option was to marry Bernie. Now she'd realized she'd made a terrible mistake…

*

The next day, Beth got up and went to the bathroom as Bernie lay snoring beside her. She stood looking at her white face in the mirror and then ran the taps in the bath, needing to scrub the touch of her husband's body from her flesh. Bernie hadn't been drunk that evening and he'd certainly had his money's worth from her, suggesting things she found disgusting and forcing her to take him in her mouth when she said she didn't want to. He'd come in her mouth and then, when she'd spat out his semen, he'd slapped her face.

‘Don't treat me as if I'm scum,' he threatened. ‘You're my wife now and you'll do whatever I tell you.'

And then he'd turned her over and taken her in a way that made Beth want to vomit. Why couldn't he be tender and loving as Mark had been she'd wondered bitterly as she felt the pain of his entry and had to bite her lip to stop herself screaming.

‘You're no good to me the other way,' he muttered as he drew away afterwards. ‘It's those bloody kids. I'll have you this way when I want you, but don't think you're getting out of havin' my kids, because I'll have you the other way when I want an' all.'

Beth could only lie there like a log and let him satisfy himself. If her wedding night had been disappointing, the second night was hell. She wished that she could just disappear into the floor and for a moment contemplated cutting her wrists in the bath and letting all the blood seep from her body, but the mother in her wouldn't let her do that – she had her twins to look after. They were her reason to live and she'd brought this on herself; they didn't deserve to be punished just because she'd done something stupid.

After she'd rinsed her mouth and cleaned her teeth she felt a bit better. She'd cleansed all trace of him from her body but she would never get this night out of her mind, and it made her wonder how much of this she could take. Wild thoughts of running away went through her head, but all the fear of telling her parents came rushing back and she knew she wouldn't do it. Somehow she would have to bear whatever Bernie did.

Besides, where could she go? If she went to Lizzie or her parents, he would fetch her back – and her father would tell her she should stay with her husband. Rebellion flared in Beth and she planned what she would do if he attacked her like that again – because she was not going to let him treat her like a slut again, even if he hit her.

However, when he woke, Bernie seemed subdued, even regretful, and after she'd dressed, he touched her hand, looking at her oddly.

‘I'm sorry about last night,' he apologized. ‘It made me angry because I knew you didn't want me – and I was jealous of the children's father. If you'll stay with me, Beth, I promise I shan't behave like that again. I knew you didn't love me when you agreed to marry me – but I thought you might like me a bit.'

‘I did…' Beth said and saw the glint in his eyes. ‘I still do, Bernie – but I shan't if you hurt and humiliate me like that again.'

‘I know. It was bad – I shouldn't have treated you like a whore,' he said. ‘You're my wife and I love you – even if it didn't seem like it last night. Please say you'll forgive me.'

‘I will try,' Beth replied but didn't smile. ‘I didn't deserve what you did to me last night, Bernie, and I shan't put up with it.' She took a deep breath. ‘Lizzie told me I can go back there if I want – and if you ever do things like that again I shall.'

‘Just try going there…' For a moment there was such anger in his eyes that she didn't recognize him, but then in another moment, he had it under control. ‘You won't have the need to leave me, Beth – and if you do, you and that bitch will be sorry. I'll be good to you and I shan't hurt or humiliate you again, but you have to be a good wife to me.'

‘I'll do all the things a wife should,' Beth replied coldly. ‘But if you want affection you must remember your promise to me.'

‘I'll remember,' he said. ‘Just remember you are mine, Beth. You belong to me and I would make anyone who stood in my way very sorry…'

Beth managed to keep her inner shudders from showing. She was such a fool to have been taken in by his meek, kind and generous manner. Bernie wasn't really like that at all – underneath the charm and caring manner there was a different kind of man altogether: a man who frightened her.

*

Beth looked at the suitcases waiting to be unpacked, and turned away. After that awful night when he'd done those unspeakable things to her, Bernie had been kind to her, taking her to all the best shops, buying her whatever she saw that took her fancy. There wasn't really much to buy, but he'd bought her an antique silver bangle and some Victorian diamond earrings. She hadn't really wanted them, but it would be stupid to refuse and make him angry again. After his buying spree, he took her to the theatre and on another occasion to the flicks, and then back to the hotel both times. She'd waited in trepidation but he hadn't come to bed until the early hours and he'd fallen asleep without touching her.

He'd made love to her once more but he'd been drinking and it was rather like the first time. Beth felt nothing, but it was better than the humiliation that she'd felt the night he'd abused her.

Now they were back home and Bernie had gone to work. Beth knew she should unpack her things and then go shopping for food. Her husband would expect a decent meal when he got home, and she'd decided that she would try to give him value for money, at least through his stomach and by keeping his house clean and his clothes nicely washed and pressed.

She longed to visit Lizzie; it would in any other circumstances be the first thing she did on getting home, but something held her back. She'd managed to convince her mother everything was all right when they'd collected the twins the previous night, but Lizzie would know how bad things were immediately and Beth couldn't tell her the truth. It was just too humiliating, too horrible to confide to anyone – even her best friend.

Lizzie consulted her order book. She'd never been this busy and she knew she had several people to thank for her new success. Aunt Miriam had stopped her husband telling slanderous lies, and he had done so, because now that she was married no one would believe them anyway. She sighed as she thought how good it would have been to talk to Beth about the way things were going now, but her friend had been back from her honeymoon for three weeks and she hadn't been in touch.

Lizzie thought it strange, but perhaps Beth was caught up in the excitement of being married and having a husband and a home to care for, as well as looking after her children She hadn't seen Mrs Court either, even though she'd called round one Sunday with a gift for the twins' birthday. She'd gone there after trying Beth's home unsuccessfully on two occasions. No one had been in there either and Lizzie had left the present with a neighbour. Perhaps she ought to try and visit Beth again, but she had a feeling that Bernie wouldn't welcome her in his house, and she'd been expecting Beth to bring the twins to see her, even if just to say thank you for their presents.

It was almost as if she'd been cast adrift by the family and Lizzie felt a bit hurt, but scolded herself for being silly as she worked on her orders. Having Tilly work for her was wonderful, because she could trust her to trim the best hats, which gave her more time to design, and some of her customers were keen to buy her special creations; it seemed that Sebastian wasn't the only one to recognize Lizzie's talents. Ralph Stevens was becoming a frequent visitor and his order was never less than twelve of her best hats. It meant that she had very little time for anything but work these days.

Thankfully, Lizzie had found her housekeeper two days after Beth's wedding. She'd offered interviews to the four women who rang in answer to her advertisement and three of them were hopeless; two were such sour-faced creatures that Lizzie couldn't have left her darling daughter with them to save her life; the third was a pleasant enough woman but older than Lizzie had envisaged and although she felt sympathy for her because she was a widow and lonely, she didn't seem right. The fourth candidate told her that her name was Hatty Simpson; she was a widow with three sons, all of whom were serving either in the Army or the RAF.

‘I've been privileged to know happiness, Mrs Winters,' she said when Lizzie asked her how she felt about living in. ‘I've had my own home and enjoyed it, but my sons have wives and homes of their own – and while I'm fit enough I would prefer the kind of job where I live in as part of the family. I don't like living alone, though I'm not averse to my own company sometimes.'