Long Hot Summoning (25 page)

He assumed she was smiling although the words “rictus grin” couldn’t help but come to mind. “You’re welcome.”

“You know,
I
was wondering something myself.” All three heads rotated toward the cat, the new angle throwing Meryat’s face back into shadow.

“Why is it that you want to see the Keeper?” Austin continued, suddenly sitting at the end of the long table. Dr. Rebik looked startled, a ripple traveled the length of Meryat’s cloak, and Dean tried to pretend that he didn’t usually let the cat sit with the breakfast dishes. Not that “let the cat” was in any way pertinent to cats in general and this cat in particular. “She’s on assignment. You could have quite the wait.”

“I am willing to wait.” Meryat folded her hands into her sleeves. “I am hoping she will be able to give me back all I have lost.”

“You seem to be doing fine without her.”

“But so, so slowly. I look forward to the day when I can . . .”

“Rule the world?”

“Go out in public.”

Shooting a “now see what you’ve done” look at Austin and another at Dean, Dr. Rebik slipped his arm around Meryat’s bowed shoulders and led her from the room. During their slow shuffle down the hall and up the stairs, Dean loaded the dishwasher, swept the dining room floor, polished the table, and did his best to ignore the expression on Austin’s face.

The distant sound of a door closing on the second floor brought the cat to his feet. “Convinced? It’s going too slowly and she needs to suck the life out of Claire to finish rebuilding herself.”

“I thought you said she was after sucking the life out of me.”

“Yeah, but
slowly.
She doesn’t want to spook Claire the moment she gets in the door. Trust me, Claire’d notice if you’re a desiccated corpse propped up in the corner, but a couple of missing years’ll slip on by.“

“That’s reassuring.”

“Yeah, well she’s not going to be too happy that another woman’s su . . .” His ears scarlet, Dean clamped a hand over the cat’s muzzle. “There was no one in the bedroom last night and you said Meryat was asleep when you heard something moving around the night before. Drop it. You’re imagining things. You’re some worried about Claire and it’s stressing you out. Giving you nightmares.” He removed his hand.

Austin shook his whiskers back into place. “Cats don’t have nightmares,” he hissed. “Cats have premonitions of disaster, and I’m having one now. Gag me again, and you’ll lose the hand.”

“Stop touching me!”

“Sorry. It’s just this is a little . . .” Lance waved a hand at the milling herd of purple hippopotamuses. “. . . weird.”

“Yes, it is. But it’s only weird because you seem to be incapable of doing what you’re asked.”

“You told me to think about nothing.”

Claire slapped a hippo on the rump and moved it out of her way. “These aren’t nothing.”

“I tried to think about nothing, but that made me think of how difficult it was to think about nothing and that made me think about that whole ‘don’t think of a purple hippopotamus’ thing.”

“You know, I figured that out without the explanation.”

“How?”

She exchanged an exasperated look with a lavender cow. “It wasn’t hard.

We’re in a herd of purple hippopotamuses. Who usually live in water. And aren’t purple.”

“I don’t see any doors.”

“Shut up and keep walking.” On the one hand, they were definitely back in the right Otherside so if nothing else, the last path took them closer to the mall. On the other hand, there was nothing like walking through a herd of herbivores in bare feet to put a person in a really, really bad mood.

“Where did you guys find armor in a department store?”

“Sporting Goods.” Will flipped his braid out from under the edge of his shoulder pads. “There’s enough hockey gear in there to outfit the entire NHL.”

“In June.”

The elf shrugged. “End of season sale?”

“Okay. That makes as much sense as anything else around here.” Sam tucked his tail carefully out of the way as more and more elves wearing hockey equipment returned to the area by the fire pit. “Now correct me if I’m wrong, which I’m not, but didn’t you guys used to be twenty-first-century street kids?”

“Yeah. So?”

“So how do you even know what armor is?”

“It’s all in the book, man.” Reaching behind him, he pulled out a familiar orange-and-blue book.

“The Dumb-ass Guide to Elvish Armor,”
Sam read, squinting a little in the uncertain light.

“Kris found a bunch of these in the bookstore back in the day. You know, while we were still getting stomped by the bad guys. She used
The Dumb-ass Guide
to Not Getting Your Butts Kicked
to start bringing us into one group. Then, when Arthur showed up, she checked him out against
The Dumb-ass Guide to Leadership.

Lately, we’ve been using
The Dumb-ass Guide to Living in a Magical Freakin‘

Shopping Mall
as a kind of Bible.”

“Really?”

“Nah, I just like saying dumb-ass. We figured out the whole living in a shopping mall thing on our own.”

“What’s the skateboard for?”

“Sort of our version of cavalry.” He flipped the board up on end. “Makes us a lot faster than the meat-minds, more mobile. And it comes straight out of
The Dumbass Guide to Making the Most of the Skills You Got Handy.”
Orange stripes folded into a “w” between Sam’s ears. “Really?” Will grinned. “Man, you are one gullible cat.”

‘Ow! Try walking on your own feet, why don’t you!’

“Sorry.” Adjusting her grip on Kris’ arm, Diana continued moving them as quickly as possible along the wall. As long as she didn’t lose the signature of her stuff, they were fine. Well, maybe
fine
was stretching it a bit.

“I don’t see how you can be so freakin‘ calm about this!” Kris ground out through what were clearly clenched teeth. “Fact, I don’t
seel
I can’t see! We got shadows from Hell coming after us-really from Hell, not just from some bad-ass place people are calling Hell-and we can’t see squat because it’s pitch-black down here!”

“That’s one of the reasons I’m calm.”

“What is?”

“Shadows are impotent in total darkness. They lose all definition, all ability to act. In order to actually do anything to us, they’ll have to turn the lights back on. If I can see them, I can fight them.”

“ ‘Cause you’re the most powerful Keeper in the world.”

“Yeah.”

The mall elf snorted. “Like I’m so impressed.”

“Look, you’ve got every right to be scared, but don’t take it out on me just because I’m the only one here.”

The only sound for a few long moments: the pounding of their hearts, the whisper of their breathing, the shuffle of shoes against a stone floor, the soft hiss of fingertips against a stone wall.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

“I still shouldn’t have said it.”

“I’m not arguing.”

“So what’s the other reason?”

“What?”

“You said that shadows what can’t get it up is
one
of the reasons you’re calm.

What’s the other reason?”

Diana worked “shadows what can’t get it up” back to impotent and grinned.

“Just that I’ve been training for this my whole life.”

“This?”

“Yeah.”

“Your whole life?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Damn. You must’ve gone to one bitch of a nursery school.”

“Fine. Not my
whole
life.” Her right fingers ran out of wall. She braced her knee and reached around the corner. “Doorway.”

Kris leaned close enough to breathe a question into her ear. “Throne room?”

“With any luck.”

“Oh, yeah. And our luck has been so good.”

Reaching back, Diana stroked two fingers down the other girl’s cheek. “I’m not complaining.”

“Man, you are one cheap date.”

But she traced a smile before she took her fingers away. The silence on the other side of the doorway felt bigger, like it was filling more space. She counted thirty heartbeats, then sighed in relief. “I don’t hear anything. If we follow the wall around, we’ll eventually trip over the dais. Once I have my stuff, we’ll make a run for the access corridors. If we can get into the Emporium, I think we’ll be safe.“

“You think?”

“Jack said the big boss has never come out into the store.” Careful not to lose contact with the stone, she moved them through the doorway and along the wall of the room.

“Always a first time.”

“Here’s a thought. Why don’t you say something positive?”

“Positive?”

“Yeah, like not negative.” Diana rolled her eyes as the pause lengthened.

Three steps. Four. Five . . .

“If memory serves, you got a wicked ass in those pants.” Ears burning, she stumbled, recovered, and mumbled “Thank you.”

“So, about that training,” Kris prodded, sounding much happier. “Any actual experience?”

“I was with Claire when she closed Hell down the last time, I helped integrate a demon into a small town in northern Ontario, and I ...”

“Hawaiian pizza!”

“That wasn’t me. And besides, what’s wrong with . . .”

“No! I can smell Hawaiian pizza!”

All at once, so could Diana. Spinning around, she scooped Kris’ feet out from under her and followed the mall elf to the floor.

Which was when the lights came on ...

. . . and the Shadowlord smacked a large club against the wall right through the space they’d just vacated.

From her position half sprawled over Kris, Diana could see all four bugs and half a dozen meat-minds waiting motionless in front of the dais. Nearly motionless.

One of the meat-minds was chewing in a decidedly guilty way.

Three guesses about what he’s eating, and the first two don’t count.
Diana was fairly certain there were stranger things than feeling grateful to ham and pine-apple in tomato sauce, but right at the moment she couldn’t think of any.

Grateful wasn’t even close to what the Shadowlord seemed to be feeling.

Pivoting away from the wall, he heaved his club at the chewing meat-mind and screamed, “I don’t care what your union says about lunch breaks!”

“Union?” Kris asked as the gnarled wood smacked meat-mind skull and the two girls scrambled to their feet.

“Otherworld Pan-dimensional Service Employees Union.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“Yes. Run!”

“I’m glad to see you’re taking me seriously.” Dean dropped the pillowcase into the washing machine. “How’s that?”

“I just saw you go through Dr. Rebik’s pockets.”

“And how is that taking you seriously?” he asked, reaching for the laundry detergent.

Austin jumped onto the dryer, walked over, and peered into the tub. “You’re looking for clues.”

“I’m looking for tissues.”

“To send away for forensic testing?”

“To keep from filling the washing machine with little bits of wet tissue.” He closed the lid, checked that the water temperature was on cold/cold, and started the timer. “I know I’ll be after regretting this, but what kind of clues did you think I’d find? If Meryat’s the bad guy . . . girl . . .”

“Corpse.”

Given the look he’d got at her face, that was hard to argue with. “. . . then isn’t Dr. Rebik the victim?”

“So?”

“So what kind of clues would he have in his pockets?”

“An amulet controlling his free will. A note written in a moment of clear-headedness begging for rescue. And maybe he’s not a victim at all; maybe he’s helping her in return for a slice of the world domination pie.”

“Maybe I should never have taped that
Scooby Doo
marathon for you.”

“He’s a dog,” Austin snorted, jumping down and following Dean up the basement stairs. “He’s not going to notice anything he didn’t sniff off someone’s butt.

I’m
telling you there was something in the bedroom last night and probably the night before!”

“Okay, let’s say there was.” Dean bent and lifted the cat up onto the kitchen counter, sanitary issues losing out over the inconvenience of holding a conversation with someone six feet closer to the floor. “But just because you sensed something, that doesn’t mean it was Meryat. It’s not like this place hasn’t had
visitors
before.

Ghosts, imps,” he added when Austin merely scowled at him.

“I knew what you meant; I just think you’re an idiot.” Sitting down, he swept his tail regally around in front of his paws. “I talked to the mice.” After a moment spent trying to match up the end of that declaration to the beginning, Dean surrendered. “Okay.”

“The mice,” Austin told him in a tone that suggested
idiot
was actually a little high on the scale, “said that the dead mouse I found in room two was just a kid; six months old, prime of his little rodent life.”

“And?”

“Oh, for the love of kibble, would you at least try to connect the dots!” Leaping to his feet, he paced to the end of the counter and back again, his tail covering twice the horizontal distance. “That mouse had his life sucked out right next to the mummy!”

“So you’re saying that sucking the life out of that mouse gave Meryat-who can barely walk at the best of times-enough energy to get downstairs and then back upstairs again moving so fast that you couldn’t see her? Some mouse.”

“You’re forgetting her visit to you. The mouse only had to get her downstairs.”

“And you don’t think I’d notice if a reanimated Egyptian mummy was su . . .” Cheeks flushed, he suddenly decided there’d been a little too much use of the verb
to
suck
in recent conversations. “... absorbing my energy?”

“You spent six months not noticing a hole to Hell,” Austin muttered, “I’m not sure you’d notice if a reanimated Egyptian mummy was doing the Macarena.”

“Hey! I’d notice. Nobody does the Macarena anymore.”

“Oh, give her a break! She’s been dead for three thousand years, it takes a while to catch up.”

“If we’re talking three thousand years,” Dean snapped, “she’d be doing the hustle!”

The silence that followed was so complete, the distant sound of skateboarders in a neighbor’s pool came clearly though the open dining room windows.