Long Time Running (8 page)

Thoughts of Jack had been swirling around in her mind since Sarah's
visit earlier in the day. Sarah had wanted to talk about Jack but she couldn't. She was probably going to tell her she had found a good family for him and she knew he was well looked after but those assurances were of no comfort to her.
It was important to her that he was happy and healthy but she didn't want the details - she couldn't cope with the details. It had been a monumental effort, in the intervening years, to bury the memories of him as deeply as she could. While the ache of giving him up never truly went away, she had at least become
very good at ignoring it.

Or so she had thought.

The first sight of Eric had brought it all rushing back. The pain of leaving him and the belief that it was for the best for him, the fear
of being a single mother, the joy at holding him the first time and the all consuming grief at what followed rose up inside her. His birthday was approaching - he would be eight - and wondered if he still had his father's
smile. She had seen the beginnings of it and loved that he had seemed to inherit the smile that had taken her breath away the first time she had seen it. It still took her breath away.

There was no doubt in her mind that she was still in love
with Eric. Her pulse raced and her heart hammered every time she saw him. His presence in the room brought a heat to her body that she hadn't experienced in...since she left him . Her heart reminded her of what her mind had tried to
ignore - Eric Smitherman had been and would always be the greatest love of her life. She had never been as complete as she was when she was with him and despite Keith's innate goodness, he did not and could not make her feel the way Eric did. She had allowed Keith to pull her into a relationship, partly because
his persistence had worn her down and partly out of the hope that she could love someone, anyone, enough to fill the gaping hole in her heart. She had been wrong. She was now woefully confident that neither one would or could ever be
replaced.

Sighing heavily and pulling her hoodie around her as she continued to stare out at the city, she considered it a just punishment that Eric could barely tolerate the sight of her. She had hurt him badly, worse than
he even knew and for that it was only fair that her heart continue to belong to him, unrequited.

She still remembered the day she had taken the pregnancy test. She had been feeling miserable for almost two weeks and somewhere along
the way she realized it was more than just the regular exhaustion from the grind of being a resident. One night, during a lull in a shift she had snuck away and had taken a test. As the plus sign had appeared in the window she had
sunk to the floor and pulled her knees to her chest. Eric's position on children had been clear from the very beginning and she had been in agreement with it. As their relationship had grown, their plans for building a life together had followed suit and neither had made any allowances for children.
But the shocking result of the test had sent her into a tailspin. The moment she had discovered she was pregnant she knew she would have to choose between the man she loved and the child she never expected to have. The ferocity with
which she had instantly loved the child growing inside her also shocked her. While she was a very open minded person, there had been no other choice for her when it had come to this baby. Nathalie knew that Eric was a good man and would
never leave her or their child. Just as she knew he would grow to resent both of them. On the floor of that hospital bathroom she had known her life was going to change. She just had no idea how much or how drastically.

It had been a Herculean effort for her to leave him and the
afternoon that she had packed her bags she had finally understood how Atlas had felt balancing the world on his shoulders. She had not wanted to leave him - or their life - but she refused to ruin his life. She loved him too much to force
him to take on the one thing he had always said he never wanted. She had accepted a fellowship in Geneva and it wasn't until she had boarded the plane that she had let the tears fall and once they started she was afraid she was
never going to be able to stop. She had cried almost every day during her first month in Switzerland until her sister had arrived. Sarah had given her a stern talking to and told her they had both survived so much already that she would survive the loss of Eric and she simply had to get on with her life. In the
logical fashion that Sarah approached every situation in her life, she reminded her that she had made the choice she thought best and she needed to remember all the factors that went into to her leaving.

And so she had. The moment Jack had been put on her chest and her heart filled to the brim with love for him she knew she had made the right decision - however painful it had been. The opportunity to travel to the Congo and work in a field hospital had been too good to pass up and with her
two-month old son in tow she had moved them to Africa. She had still continued to miss Eric almost every day but the satisfaction she had from making such a difference had helped to distract her, at least temporarily, from her
self-inflicted broken heart.

And then in the darkness of one night, when she saw first hand the very worst the world had to offer, it had all come crashing to an end. Once again, Nathalie had been left with only one, heartbreaking choice.

Feeling slightly shaky at the sudden rush of memories, she turned and slowly walked towards the door, ready to return to her room. As she made her way down the stairs her legs trembled with every step. This was why
she couldn't talk about Jack with Sarah or tell Keith about her past; the weight of it all was crushing. Finally back in the hallway, she was short of breath and gripped the railing while she stopped to regroup. Between the tumor
and the first few radiation sessions she could feel her stamina seeping from her and she was finding simple tasks - like walking - more difficult.

Taking a deep breath she took several unsteady steps forward before having to stop again. Exhausted, she rested her head against the wall.

"Nat?"

Just the sound of his voice made her heart skip a beat. Even though she knew they would never be together again she hated that he was seeing
her like this. Pulling her head from the wall, she smiled weakly and didn't quite meet his gaze. Unsteadily, she took a step forward.

"I'm fine," she replied quietly.

She could feel Eric casting a critical eye over her and knew
he could see that she was struggling.

"Let me help you" he offered.

She shook her head, still not meeting his eyes. "No, it's okay. I'm sure you have rounds or something," she said as she took
another step.

Beads of perspiration pooled on her forehead and she silently gritted her teeth as she tried to keep moving. However, her body would not cooperate and her knees buckled. She was shocked not to feel the cool
laminate floor underneath her but rather a pair of familiar arms.

"You always were stubborn," he reminded her softly as he started to carry her back to her room.

"This isn't necessary," she protested with her arm
draped tentatively around his shoulder. She was trying to ignore the white hot heat coursing through her body from the touch of his hands on her skin. She kept her eyes closed, almost afraid she would melt if she looked at him

"We're almost there."

As her shirt came away from her back his hand rested on her exposed skin and she could feel him touching the thickness of her burn scar.

Carrying her over the threshold, he laid her down gently on the bed. With great care he rolled her onto her side, away from him and lifted her t-shirt and hoodie. Nathalie groaned silently. It wasn't that the scar was a secret - it hardly could be. But it was a very tangible reminder of that
horrible night and all the choices that followed and she hated it. He outlined it softly with his fingertip. The feel of his touch brought tears to her eyes.

"That's a pretty big scar," he whispered.
"How did you get it?"

She pulled down her shirt and rolled on to her back, finally meeting his eyes. "In a fire" she replied softly.

"What caused the fire?" His voice was gentle and
encouraging.

Her mouth dropped open, as if to answer, but she was unable to make any noise. Her entire body started to tremble and her breathing was ragged. Sitting up, she pulled her knees to her chest, trying to make herself
as small as possible. She gasped for air, her chest heaving as she clenched her eyes shut.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and wrapped her in his arms. "Shhh, Nat," he soothed her. "You're okay. You're
okay." As she continued to shake, he rubbed his hand in small circles on her back.

So wrapped up in each other and the familiar feel of touching each other, neither of them heard the door to her room scrape open,
nor notice Keith looking in on them. Had either of them turned around he would have seen the total devastation on the journalist's face as he shook his head and turning on his heel, walked away.

"You're okay," he repeated.

Nathalie melted against him for a moment, remembering what it was liked to be loved by him but then reality reared its head, reminding her that she was not allowed this any longer.

Squirming, she extricated herself from his arms and moved to
the far side of the bed. "Please leave" she demanded hoarsely.

"Let me help you," he insisted.

She violently shook her head. "You c-c-can't" she
stated before she rolled over away from him.

He exhaled slowly and got to his feet. He extended his hand to touch her before thinking better of it. He wouldn't push her any further tonight but they were not done. Not by a long shot.

Sitting up in bed with her legs pulled to her chest,
Nathalie fingered her locket. It had taken almost an hour after Eric left to finally calm down. She hated the effect the memories had on her. So used to being able to conquer anything through sheer willpower, it was a humbling experience to be at the mercy of those memories.

Even after her breathing had returned to normal, there had been little sleep for her. Her skin still burned where his hands had touched her and her heart still pounded at the feel of his lips whispering against her
ear as he had tried to soothe her. It was as though every cell in her body had been dormant all these years and with the briefest of touches he had awakened them. How now, would she be satisfied with anything less than feeling like
that?

As the door cracked open, she looked up hopefully and tried to hide her disappointment as Keith came through. She should love him. She should want to make a life with him. But she didn't. She wanted to feel like she felt with Eric and no matter how good or kind Keith was that was never
going to happen.

"Morning," she greeted him with forced brightness.

"Hi," he replied quietly as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "I've booked a ticket home," he said. "For
tonight."

Her eyes widened in response. There was something in his tone, in his body language, that told her he wasn't just leaving to go home, he was leaving for good.

"I'm sorry" she told him softly.

He shrugged, clearly trying not to betray how hurt he was. "Is there....is there any chance that you will ever love me completely?"

She opened her mouth, her usual protests at the ready but a
voice in her told her it was time to start telling the truth. She owed it to this man who had been so good to her.

"No" she whispered, hating herself for hurting
him.

Keith gave a brief nod. "The...uh....your locket - what's in your locket, the reason you moved to Africa - it all comes back to Doctor Smitherman, doesn't it?"

"Yeah. We....we were together for a long time. I was
very much in love with him-"

"You still are," he told her pointedly with a small flash of anger.

She nodded regretfully. "Yes. Keith...I....I never thought I would be back here. I never thought I would see him again and I was
sure - I was hoping - that with enough time and distance I would be free to love someone else. To love you."

"That's ridiculous," he snapped before taking a
deep breath and steadying himself. "Nat, the heart doesn't recognize time or space. Living a continent away was never going to help you get over him, not unless you wanted to. I just...I just wish that I had been enough to make you want to."

"I wanted to Keith, I did, it's just - it's complicated."

"It always is with you," he pointed out truthfully.

She nodded in agreement. She had not been fair to him and
Mylea had warned her about the need to be honest with him. "You are a good man and I wouldn't trade our memories for anything. I care for you very deeply."

"But you will never love me. You will never love me
like you love him, will you?"

Her eyes welled with tears as she shook her head. "No."

He nodded, acknowledging her response. "Nat," he paused hesitantly. "Who's Jack?"

Nathalie's gasp indicated he had shocked her with his question. "Wh-what?"

"You call out for him in your sleep sometimes. I thought if anything, he might be the reason you couldn't let yourself love
me."

"He's someone I knew a long time ago." she said as her voice broke, unable to look him in the eyes.

"Okay, then" he said hoarsely, his own eyes filling with tears. Leaning forward, cupping her face with his hands, he
pressed a long, lingering kiss to her forehead. "I hope you find what you are looking for," he whispered.

Before she could speak, he sprang to his feet and disappeared out the door. Hot tears tumbled down her face. The truth may set
you free but no one ever said you would feel good in the process.