Look for Me (29 page)

There was a long silence at the other end. “Dad, are you there?”

“Yes, yes, I’m just trying to digest what you said. He’s alive?”

“Of course he’s alive. Didn’t you know that?”

“Yes—no—I mean, I had no idea, honey.”

“I told you he’s alive, the army still sends him his disability checks.”

“Ah, that’s right. Have you seen him?”

“Of course not! I just got the address now. It was a fluke. He’s in Qal’at al-Maraya, that’s why I couldn’t find him.”

“Qal’at al-Maraya! What’s he doing there?”

“Hiding, obviously. What a brilliant hiding place.”

“Dana, how do you feel about all this?”

“What do you think, Dad? I’ve only waited eleven years! I’m so excited I can hardly breathe.”

“I’m very happy for you, darling. Very, very happy. But how the hell will you get to him?”

“Ella, maybe.”

“Do you think you should write to him first?”

“No, no, I won’t let him get away this time. How’s Gitte?”

“Fine, fine. She says to send her love.”

“Say hi from me, too. Tell her the good news.”

“I will. Keep me posted. I hope it goes well, duckie. I’m sure it will. This is like one of your romance novels, isn’t it?”

“Well, not exactly. But who knows, maybe I’ll write one about a long-lost true love. There’s a song about that, isn’t there? Mummy used to like it.”

“Well, if he’s in some battle slain,”
my father began to sing,
“I’ll lie still when the moon doth wane. If he’s drowned in the deep salt sea, I’ll be true to his memory. And if he’s found another love, and he and his love both married be, I wish them health and happiness, where they dwell across the sea.”
He stopped singing and coughed. “Bit early in the morning, my voice isn’t quite awake.”

“Don’t stop there! Sing me the end!”

“He picked her up all in his arms, and kisses gave her one, two, three, saying weep no more, my own true love, I am your long-lost John Riley.”

“You’re right, it’s very romantic.”

“This really is wonderful news, Dana. Qal’at al-Maraya, Jesus. Please be careful, duckie. Good idea to go down with Ella. Don’t try it on your own.”

“I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Otherwise I’d be in a taxi right now.”

“Yes. Well.”

“Dad, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“What did you and Mum do back in South Africa?”

He laughed. “In fifty words or less?”

“I mean, were you in prison? You never really told me.”

“Why are you asking now?”

“It came up … in a conversation. And I realized that I had no idea.”

“I’m sure I told you we were in prison, for four months. I was in for four, your mother for three.”

“I’d like to know more.”

“Why don’t you come visit, duckie? I’ll be happy to tell you about all our antics.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when I was younger?”

“To protect you, I suppose. It would have upset you.”

“Why?”

“Well, we had a hard time. The bad old days. When are you coming to visit?”

“We’ll both come, we’ll come together. Me and Daniel. It will be so great!”

“Yes, that really would be a dream come true.”

“Bye, Dad.”

“Hugs.”

Rafi was sitting at the kitchen counter, smoking and looking at a newspaper, but I could tell he wasn’t concentrating on what he was reading.

“My father’s a bit of a mystery to me,” I said.

“Why?”

“He just is. He’s quiet, but there’s a lot going on inside his brain.”

“Have you met his wife?”

“No, she’s afraid of flying. They’re very happy together. Guess what? Volvo thinks he’s gay.”

“I can’t think about Volvo right now,” Rafi said.

“I’ve never seen you like this. Of course, I’ve only known you for a week …”

Before he could to answer, the phone rang. It was Ella.

“Hi, Dana?” she said. “Odelia told me you were trying to reach me.”

“Yes, it’s about Daniel. He’s living in Qal’at al-Maraya.”

“Yes, I know. Do you want to see him?”

“Of course!”

“I can take you tomorrow.”

“You mean—you’ve known all this time?”

“We can talk about it when we meet. I’ve already spoken to him; I had a feeling that’s what you were calling about.”

“You spoke to him!”

“Yes, he’s expecting you.”

“I’m so confused.”

“We’ll talk on the way there. I really have to run—I have a situation here.”

“Okay.”

“Meet me at the train station at six in the morning, we’ll get an early start. Bring water, your ID, of course, and a sandwich. It can take a bit of time. Bye.” She hung up.

“Well,” Rafi said.

“I’m so confused!” I repeated. “Ella knows. It sounds as if she knew where Daniel was all along. Why didn’t she tell me? She’s spoken to him! She told him I’d called her.”

“Ella knows a lot of things no one else knows. Don’t forget she’s there all the time, she knows hundreds of people. Dana, maybe she’s the one who’s been picking up his mail.”

“But now I’m so angry with her. And yet she’s my only link …”

“Don’t blame her. She’s a journalist, she has to know how to keep some things secret. It’s Daniel who asked her not to tell you. You should be angry with him if anyone.”

“You’re not really reading that newspaper, are you? Let’s talk.” We moved to the living room and sat at opposite ends of the sofa.

“No, I’m not angry with him,” I said. “Because he has a reason. Ella didn’t have a reason.”

“What did Daniel say?”

“He said I could come.”

“How do you feel?”

“I’m so nervous, you can’t imagine. I feel a hundred things. I’m happy, I’m excited.”

“You’re afraid.”

“No. Yes. Not of him.”

“Are you afraid he’ll reject you in person?”

“No, he won’t reject me, not when he sees me, when he sees how much I love him.”

“He’s forty-seven now, isn’t he?”

“Yes, that’s true. That’s true. I still think of him as thirty-six, but he’s older, of course.”

“Are you afraid of what you’ll feel?”

“No, I’ll feel happy, I just want to see him and be with him, it’s a dream come true. I know what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid it’s a trick. I mean, why would he agree, just because I found him? Is it some kind of game? ‘You can’t see me until you find me?’”

“He probably figured there wasn’t anything he could do at this point. You’d found him, and now you’d have to see him.”

“I don’t believe this is happening. I’m afraid something will ruin it. That’s what I’m afraid of. That he’ll dodge me again.”

“There’s nowhere left for him to go.”

“I’ll bring him the silk dressing gown I bought when he was in the hospital, just before he escaped. I’ve kept it for him, it’s still in perfect condition. What else? Should I bring some photographs? No …I’ll wait with those. I don’t want any distraction, I just want us. Maybe just the bird photo, it’s my favorite one.”

“What bird photo?”

“Remember the demo at Rmeid? On the anniversary of the killings?”

“Yes, I was there.”

“Remember how the police and army agreed to stay away? A moment of sanity! They were actually able to see that if they just didn’t show up everything would go smoothly. Well, I was right up front, and I saw some of these very religious Muslim guys in their green robes waving their green flags and I admit I was a bit scared. I figured—fundamentalists, who knew what they were up to. Suddenly they all got very excited. They began pointing and shouting and I thought, Oh no, the police are here after all, shit. They were really agitated and I was sure violence was about to break out. And then I saw what they were pointing at. Birds! A whole flock of black birds, hundreds of birds in formation, sweeping across the white sky. I have a shot of that, of the birds and the guys in the robes pointing at the birds and getting all excited. Maybe they thought the birds were the souls of the boys who were killed. The picture came out really good, I’ll show it to you later. Maybe I’ll just bring that one to show Daniel.”

“I wonder whether the army was worried that he’d crossed over.”

“Worried about what? He didn’t know anything, apart from
how to fold uniforms. But I still can’t believe that Ella knew. She let me suffer. She let me suffer all these years. I hate her.”

“Maybe it hasn’t been years.”

“Yes, it must have been, because she’s been reporting from there for years, and obviously she’d know about something like that. How could she be so cruel?”

“Maybe it was really hard for her,” Rafi said. “Maybe she thought that if Daniel really didn’t want to see you, telling you his address wouldn’t do anyone any good.”

“Don’t defend her. Anyhow, who cares. The main thing is that I’m going to see him!”

“I hope it goes well, Dana.”

“Yes. I’ll bring him back here. I’ll bring him back and we can start having a life again, both of us.”

“He may not want to come back. Why not wait and see?”

“I wonder how he feels, knowing I’ll be coming tomorrow?”

“Probably even more nervous than you.”

“I don’t know how I’ll survive until tomorrow. Yes, I do know. Can you stay? Can you stay with me, or do you have to be home?”

“I can stay.”

“I still love you.”

“I know.”

“But Daniel comes first.”

“No one has to come first or second.”

“Maybe not in the way people feel, but in what people do they have to make a choice.”

“That’s true.”

“I want to be with you until tomorrow. And then it will be over.”

“Don’t plan everything, Dana. Life’s easier if you don’t make too many plans.”

“You think it won’t work out between me and Daniel, but you’re wrong. You don’t know how close we were.”

“I just think you need to take things a step at a time. It’s been eleven years. A lot has happened to Daniel since then. Try to imagine what his life has been like. He must have found a way to integrate into that society. He might be a different person now.”

“No, he’s not different. His personality was too strong. And our societies aren’t that different! We have a lot in common.”

“Whatever happens, I’ll stand by you.”

“Thank you. Let’s go somewhere. I don’t want to stay here, I want to feel this is his place now.”

“We can go to a hotel if you like.”

“Yes, I’d like that. You know, Coby offered us a room.”

He laughed. “Are you sure that’s not too far? We don’t want to get carried away.”

“It doesn’t have to be another part of the country, just another place. Am I being selfish?”

“No, it makes sense, Dana. I’m surprised you haven’t asked me to leave altogether.”

“I’d like to, but I can’t.”

“Dana, are you punishing Daniel?”

“What do you mean? That I’m using you? Using you to get back at him for leaving me? Is that what you think?”

“I’m asking.”

“I’m not using you.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “That’s the second time you’ve made me cry.”

“I’m glad. You haven’t been crying enough since Daniel left.”

“No, I didn’t cry, because I knew I’d see him. I knew we’d be together again. And I was right. Let’s go across the street and check in.”

“Yes. Good old Coby.”

“Nice room.”

“Mm.”

“That was very moving, the way the two of you said hello.”

“Who?”

“You and Coby.”

“What do you mean?”

“The way you both looked at each other. As if you were incredibly happy to see one another.”

“I guess we were close once. Coby was a sniper, though; so a lot of the time we had different assignments.”

“I asked him about the lynching. He said he had no idea what I was talking about.”

“Is that what he said?”

“Yes.”

“He was standing right next to me. He threw up. A lot of us felt like puking, but he actually did. Then he reported the two guys.”

“Is he married?”

“Yes, he has two daughters, he’s done well for himself.”

“I shouldn’t have brought that up.”

“I don’t mind. Maybe you’re trying to get your mind off other things. Or to talk about them in terms of my experiences.”

“That’s an odd way of looking at it … I forgot to tell Volvo I won’t be looking in tonight. Oh well, he’ll manage.”

“I wonder whether he was so aggressive before he lost his legs.”

“I met someone who knew him from before—he said Volvo was one of the funniest and most upbeat people he knew. He always had a mind of his own, though. He left his family, became secular, not a lot of people do that. I think they told him that was why he lost his legs, that it was a punishment from God … Listen to us! This is what lovers talk about in this country! What a place to live!”

“How about we banish the world for the next twenty hours?”

“What did you tell Graciela?”

“I told her you’d found Daniel. She was very happy for you.”

“She’s really strange.”

“She’s pimping for me. It makes her feel in control, she thinks she chose you. You’re a safe partner in her eyes, and this way she doesn’t feel as bad about not sleeping with me.”

“You didn’t tell me that before.”

“Besides, she really does like you, Dana. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you, by the way?”

“Lots of people. My sergeant hated me with a passion. I ran into her a couple of years ago and she still hates me. And one of the journalists who interviewed me about Daniel said I was pathetic, neurotic, self-absorbed. She thought waiting for Daniel was self-indulgence of the first order, and also selfish of me. The woman at the photo shop can’t stand me—she’s always making snide remarks.”

“Did you tell that interviewer to go to hell?”

“No, she was right. She was right about me. Beatrice also thinks it’s self-indulgence, and she’s my friend.”

“Are you and Beatrice close?”

“Not really, though she sometimes stays the night. It’s nothing serious. It worked out for me too, it was my way of having sex without betraying Daniel.”

“That sort of turns me on.”

“It was nothing special. She’s not the romantic type. I’m not going to continue seeing her now, of course.”

“How old is she?”