Looking for Love (Boxed set) (12 page)

Zack wound a strand of her hair around his finger. "She wanted kids?"

Jenna nodded. "Yes, but I don't think she'd planned on two babies so soon. Then I was born with the hearing impairment." She paused and he wondered if she was remembering the first few years of her life, the silent world she'd lived in.

"Were you deaf at birth?"

Jenna shook her head. "I could hear a few sounds so at first the doctors didn't realize the severity of my problem. But as I grew and my speech lagged, they got worried." Jenna rubbed a hand through her hair. "At first, they thought I might have brain damage or be mentally impaired, but they did tests and discovered it was my hearing."

He cradled her hand in his, his heart squeezing at the thought of a little Jenna being labeled or mocked by the other kids. "When did you get the hearing aid?"

"At four, I had my first surgery. At five another. When I was six, I received a hearing aid but even before that I started working with a speech therapist."

"That must have been rough," Zack said, his voice husky.

Jenna shrugged. "We all have problems, Zack. That's the reason families are so important. They love you unconditionally."

Zack remained quiet, grateful at least that Jenna had grown up with a loving family. Too bad he hadn't—maybe he wouldn't have become so afraid of making commitments.

"What about you, Zack? You were little when your folks split?"

"Yeah, six. Mark was eight." He stared at their entwined hands and Jenna squeezed his fingers.

"Just a baby," Jenna murmured softly.

He chuckled. "Not what my stepmother thought. I believe rambunctious brats were what she called us."

Jenna lay her head against his arm, curling next to him as he described the parade of stepmothers his father had subjected him to, and the pranks he and Mark used to play to irritate the housekeepers. "I don't think Dad kept a wife or housekeeper for longer than six months at a time."

"You think he was broken-hearted over losing your mother and looking for a quick replacement?"

"I don't know," Zack admitted. "He seemed to be in a permanent mid-life crisis. Always dating and marrying younger women. Then after a few months, they'd both realize they had nothing in common and split up."

"I'm sorry," Jenna said. "That's no way to raise children. You must have felt abandoned every time one of the women left."

His chest tightened. He
had
felt abandoned. But he'd never wanted to admit it.

A heartbeat of silence passed between them then she lifted her finger, turned his face toward her and kissed him gently.

Unwanted emotions crowded Zack's throat. Jenna was not the type of woman to abandon anyone.

But he still couldn't risk his heart...

Still, she felt so wonderful in his arms. So right. So tender and loving that he couldn't resist cradling her against him.

Her hair tickled his chin, and she rubbed her hand over his chest, hugging his waist, then her fingers trailed upward and his nipples hardened when she touched the sensitive nubs. She slowly unbuttoned his shirt and peeled away the fabric, then ran her hands over the soft dark blond hair covering his chest, and heat blazed through him.

Watching her slow, sweet, almost shy movements made his groin tighten and a surge of need spiraled through him, more intense than anything he'd ever experienced. Then she rubbed her finger over his ear- lobe, down his neck, over his nipple, circling the tip, and he groaned, fisting his hand in her hair. God, "Jenna, you're driving me wild."

"I know the feeling..." her words trailed off and she lowered her head and pressed her lips to his chest, dropping light kisses across his neck and shoulders and teasing him unmercifully. He moaned as her hair brushed across his bare torso. No amount of hard, wild sex could turn him on as much as watching Jenna touch him so tenderly, so lovingly.

He tipped her chin up to his face and lowered his mouth, taking what she offered, rubbing his hands down her arms, massaging the column of her neck, trailing his fingers over her spine.

Dammit, he wanted to fling the silk robe from her body, feel her bare skin against his own, plunder her mouth, spread her legs and take her right there on the couch.

"This feels perfect, Zack," Jenna whispered. "So right."

Her hand slipped to his thigh and she squeezed his leg, and he shifted, heat racing through him. She trailed her fingers over his lower body, ever so lightly, heightening his arousal, bringing him pain and joy at the same time. "I want you, Zack."

"I want you, too," he whispered in a ragged voice.

She cupped his face and gazed into his eyes tenderly. The raw emotions he saw there stunned him—desire, hunger, need, and some other emotion he couldn't quite define. Her heady scent surrounded him, engulfing him with the desire to hold her, taste her, to love her, to spend the night... and the rest of his life with her.

The rest of his life?

Panic shot through him.

What—he wanted to
love her, spend the rest of his life with
her?

Jesus, he had to get a grip.

His hands shook as she reached for him and his breath suddenly caught painfully in his chest. His palms felt clammy, and his mouth went dry.

"Zack, what's wrong?" Jenna leaned back, her desire-hazed eyes suddenly darkening with concern. "You look like you're going to faint."

He shook his head, swallowing against the raging case of nerves attacking his system. He wanted her, she wanted him, he could see it in her eyes, feel it in her soft body pressed against him.

But dammit, she wanted more, wanted marriage and family, and the forever- after-love that he couldn't give, didn't know how to give, didn't even believe in.

He tried to stand, but his legs wobbled and the room spun in dizzying circles.

"Zack?"

"I... I'm sorry," he said, trying to reach for her. But his damned hand trembled like he had some nervous disease.

She stood, then took a step back, hurt tightening the lines of her heart-shaped face.

"You really are scared, aren't you?" she asked in a strained voice.

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. His damn vocal chords had completely shut down.

A long tense second stretched between them, then disappointment filled her eyes, and she began to gather the pizza box and their glasses as if they hadn't just been about to make love on her sofa. Then she flipped off the TV and pulled his arm, forcing him to stand. "Go home, Zack. It's what you want."

"No..." He wanted to be with her. But he couldn't will the words to come out.

A sad smile tinged her eyes. Then she brushed a lock of his hair away from his damp forehead and surprised him by standing on tiptoe and kissing his cheek. "It's okay, Zack. I understand. I guess I'll have to settle for your friendship."

Friendship?

He opened his mouth to say that he wanted more, to
prove
it, but snapped it shut when he remembered the alternative. It was all or nothing with Jenna.

And he had nothing to give her but his body—because his heart had been locked up long ago and wasn't available.

* * *

Jenna closed the door and leaned against the wooden frame, silent tears streaking her face. She was in love with Zack.Totally, whole-heartedly, foolishly in love with him. A man who was terrified of the mere idea of commitment.

A man who'd been shown over and over as a child that love never lasted.

If she could find his mother and father she'd take them both out to the woodshed.

Scrubbing at her tears with the backs of her hands, she locked the door and headed toward her bedroom, knowing sleep would be impossible tonight.

Was there any way she could make Zack believe in love? Or would his childhood mistrust scar him for life?

Heloise's advice echoed in her ears.
You can't change a man.

No, she couldn't. But God help her, she was falling in love with the man anyway.

Weary she removed her hearing aid before stepping into the shower and realized with painful clarity that she wasn't the one with the handicap at all. It was Zack.

And she had no idea what to do about it.

* * *

Zack counted the ceiling tiles to make himself fall asleep. Finally when he passed out, he dreamed he was covered by mountains of laundry, drowning in it, then the sharp trill of the phone jerked his awake, and he was fighting his way out to reach it. But it was too late.

Mark was on the phone, telling him that Jenna was marrying someone else. But who?

Eventually the dream turned into a full-fledged nightmare. Dozens of men were chasing Jenna while he was trapped in some steel vault with women throwing darts at him.

The next minute he'd escaped, but he was racing to the church to stop Jenna's wedding. Only when he ran inside, everyone gasped and turned, staring at him, waiting for him to do something. But he was frozen, rooted to the spot. All he could do was sweat and shake like a fool. Even worse, the guests were dressed to the hilt in formal attire, and he was stark naked.

He woke up, horrified and dazed, wondering if the dream had been real. But he checked the clock and it had only been a few hours since he'd left Jenna's.

Not enough time for her to find her soulmate.

But definitely enough time for her to realize he wasn't worth her trouble.

At five a.m., he shoved the covers aside, dressed in jogging clothes and called his brother. "It's dawn. I need a run."

"It's a little early, isn't it, bro?" Mark said groggily.

"Not if you haven't slept. Will you meet me at the park or not?"

"Geez, man. What's your problem?"

"Nothing," Zack growled as he yanked on his tennis shoes.

"Who is it, sweetheart?" he heard Colleen whisper.

"My brother," Mark answered.

Colleen's sleepy sigh echoed over the line. "Tell him to call back later, and come back to bed."

Then he heard kissing noises and Colleen's giggle.

Great. Just what he needed to hear—someone else happy and in love.

"Dammit, you're lying there all cozy and making out while I'm miserable," Zack said. "It's not fair."

Mark chuckled. "You know, Zack, if you'd stop being such a bear you might have someone to wake up with yourself."

Zack scrubbed his hand over his beard stubble, studying the bare walls of his apartment, the tousled bed that he hadn't shared with a woman in ages. He could imagine Jenna's red hair fanned out across the pillows.

"Zack?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

Mark sighed. "I'll meet you there in five."

"Thanks."

An hour later, he and Mark had circled the mile- long track several times in silence.

"Are you going to tell me what's eating you?" Mark finally asked, panting for air.

"How did you know Colleen was the one, that you wanted to, you know—"

"Marry?"

"Yeah."

Mark shrugged. "I told you before—I couldn't stop thinking about her."

"But you'd already slept with her?"

Mark glared at him. "Yeah, I had. And I'm not discussing our sex life with you."

Zack grinned. "That's not what I meant. It's just I've been with a lot of women—"

"Don't tell me you dragged me out of bed so to flaunt your escapades?" Mark muttered. " 'Cause if you did, I don't want to hear about it."

"No, that's not it." Zack bent over with his hands on his knees and took several deep breaths. "But how did you know you wanted to be with Colleen for the rest of your life?"

"If I told you, you'd think it was cheesy." Mark paused beside him. "What's really going on, Zack? Is there someone you're serious about?"

Zack glanced up at Mark, debating how much to share.

Mark's eyes widened in shock. "It's finally happened? You're in love? Man, oh, man, I can't believe it."

Zack held up his hand. "Whoa, don't go jumping to conclusions." He started jogging in place. "Level with me. How did you know, Mark?"

Mark shrugged. "You won't laugh?"

Zack shook his head.

"Actually there were a lot of little things. I kept waking up, missing the way she smelled. And she likes to leave these silly little love notes around the house." A sheepish smile curved Mark's face. "And I actually liked it."

Zack remembered how he felt when Jenna simply touched him. "But with Dad's history, weren't you afraid you'd wind up in divorce court like him?"

Mark scoffed. "No, I decided a long time ago that I wanted the total opposite of what our parents had."

Zack mulled over Mark's words. "But didn't you get nervous? Weren't you afraid you might be making a mistake?"

"Of course I was nervous," Mark said. "But I knew it wasn't a mistake. Just think about the women Dad married, Zack. They were all too young for him, Dad had nothing in common with them. Those relationships were doomed from the start."

Zack pumped his arms as they picked up speed again. "So, you think Dad chose the wrong women?"

"Yep," Mark said. "He wasn't looking for long term commitment. He wanted a trophy wife, someone to show off, to stroke his ego, not a real companion."

"Not someone to have dinner and watch movies with."

"Exactly," Mark answered. They rounded the track for the sixth time and Mark stopped, his shirt soaked with sweat. "So, have you really found someone you're seriously interested in?"

Zack ran in place for several seconds, then they walked the track to cool down. "I don't know, man. Sort of. But I have this strange reaction every time I think about committing to her." He shrugged. "My stomach hurts and I start to shake."

Mark gave him a sympathetic look. "Listen, Zack, I know you were younger than me when our folks split, and I can see it's affected you. But if you've met someone you like, don't be afraid to give a relationship a try just because our old man screwed up. A good marriage is like having a best friend for life."

Zack's stomach knotted.

"Now, who is she?" Mark asked. "What kind of woman finally snagged you? Is she someone you met at a club, a singles bar, a topless dancer, who?"