Lost and Found (44 page)

"Wow. That's beautiful."

I smiled. "Yeah, I can be eloquent every now and then." I leaned back in my chair. "It ticks me off when those who don't understand it make it out to be something other than the pure love Christ calls us to for our brothers, sisters, and even our enemies. A love founded in Him, given by Him."

"We love, because He first loved us. Right? I remember learning that."

"Right. It's what I felt with Lightseeker when I read her posts. Two souls bound by a belief in and passion for the One True God. It is what I felt when I first sat across from Jenna in my office. It wasn't her I reacted to—it was the Spirit so evident within her. Tim helped me see that. I brought him into my direction relationship with Jenna. Asked for his accountability. That's one of those boundaries I set for myself."

Tess nodded. "Thanks for doing that."

I smiled. "I love you."

"I know you do."

"Anyway, with Jenna, or Lightseeker as I first knew her, it was a spiritual intimacy that grew beyond anything I'd known—because, she, more than anyone else, reflected Christ. She taught me, as I sat with her week after week, what a romance with Jesus looks like. Her passion. Her courage. And her surrender. Stirred my own."

I cleared my throat. Those were deep waters to tread with Tess, who was just coming back to a relationship with Christ.

Tess's eyes filled with tears. "I saw that in you. I saw that passion and . . . I knew . . . I knew I was missing out on something."

"I want"—I cleared my throat again—"I want that with you, Tess. I've wanted that all along. I want that spiritual intimacy with you."

"I want it too."

Man . . . what a day that was.

I bring my mind back to the present, swivel my chair around, and notice a few clouds moving across the hazy horizon.

Spiritual intimacy
was
the missing ingredient in my marriage. The one thing I wanted more than anything with my wife. And it was through Jenna, or Lightseeker, actually, that I, that we, received that gift.

I'm rarely at a loss for words, but . . . how do you express gratitude for the magnitude of that kind of gift? It changes everything. Now. And for eternity.

I look at my watch, grateful my first appointment of the day cancelled. It's been a crazy few months. And even I need to catch my breath once in awhile.

I continue staring out the window. Jenna is becoming a modern-day mystic. Someone who, by contemplation and self-surrender, seeks to obtain unity with God. Someone who apprehends spiritual truths beyond their intellect. Someone who is, as much as humanly possible, one with God.

What an honor. An honor, dude! To sit across from Jenna week after week. To let the Spirit move between us, illuminating, for both of us, truths we'd not known before. To watch the Spirit transform her before my eyes.

Hard to explain.

But then, it should be hard to explain because it goes beyond human understanding.

Brigitte did as she promised. She attempted to tarnish that intimacy—to make it lewd and betraying. She didn't care who she hurt in the process. She was out for her own gain. Anger still boils inside me when I think of what she did. What Tess and I stood to lose. What Jenna did lose.

Yet, I am called to love her.

What does loving an enemy look like?

Tess and I are learning this together.

Love and relationship are two different things. As are love and reconciliation. And sometimes, the most loving act is to break relationship with someone.

Jenna learned this as she walked away from Brigitte. And I continue to learn as I watch her.

But now, I watch from afar.

Shortly after Brigitte's scandal—the alleged affair between Jenna and me that broke in the local news—Tess was offered a job in New York City. That's a dream for a fashion plate like my wife. We didn't ditch San Fran to dodge the scandal. Truth be told, for the most part, people ignored it. Though it caused plenty of pain for those close to us. But we endured. In fact, Tess turned to God for strength amidst the gossip, and she stood by me. She knew the truth.

When we moved to New York, it was because we heard God's whisper—His invitation to dance. So, a few weeks ago, we took His hand and followed His lead.

And my fashion-plate wife has fallen deeply in love with her new Partner.

Yeah, I called her a fashion plate. The name cracks me up. I picked it up from one of my new counseling clients. A woman working hard to overcome traumatic events from her childhood. Man, I respect her. She's surrendering one day at a time. She splits her time between San Francisco and New York now. She's here a couple weeks a month. She's making some transitions in her career—offering financial advice to nonprofit organizations here and on the West Coast. She was a well-known financial advisor to the rich and famous, but she made a mistake. And Brigitte capitalized on it.

When she's back in San Francisco, she spends time with Jenna, who is walking alongside her and showing her what it looks like to lose your life for Christ's sake. It's a road they're walking together.

Because of Brigitte.

Man, now there's some irony.

But it's also a choice they each made individually—with God—together.

How cool is that?

I glance at the calendar on my desk. Jenna's baby is due any day now. I can't wait to see that little guy. When Jenna found out she was having a son, she picked his name: Gerard Matthew Bouvier. "Bonus!"

Tess even told Jenna we'd babysit if she comes to the city.

Still twenty minutes before my next scheduled appointment. So I reach for the mouse on my desk and watch as the screen of my computer lights up. Then I open my e-mail and find what I'd hoped for.

Dear Matthew,

The sun has set on the life I've known and shadows loom, tempting me to once again languish in the fog of doubt. Loneliness beckons, wooing me to believe I will never again enjoy the intimacy we've shared. But I turn away knowing the truth. The intimacy we shared was but a whisper of what was—of what is. Here, in this gray landscape, goodness shines and my spirit stirs as I behold my Beloved.

All I've known is lost to me now: home, wealth, and the acceptance of those I once longed to please. The roles I once lived to fulfill are no longer. Though loss seems cause for grief, joy prevails, because what's found is a treasure beyond imagining. Within these earthly confines, I've found a spacious place where my soul is finally free to dance. Here I soar in Love's embrace. So, friend of my soul, grieve not. Lean not on your own understanding, as you so often exhorted me. Instead, rejoice! Our paths are straight.

What others suppose about me—about us—no longer matters. Their accusations were a piercing thorn, but truth is a soothing salve. Whenever a lingering concern reveals itself, it's evidence that a bit of me remains after all. What cause for celebration there will be when all of me is finally lost in Him.

In the meantime, my dear friend, let's dance . . .

Faithfully,

Jenna

Dear Reader,

Lost and Found
was written during one of the most difficult seasons of my life—a season where I, like Jenna, was learning what it meant to pick up my cross and follow Christ. It was a season of profound pain. A season of loss. Yet, as I surrendered to God, I found my life hid in Him and I found unexpected joy in His embrace.

During that year, I picked up the writings of Madame Jeanne Guyon. Jeanne Guyon, born in 1648, suffered more than I could imagine. Her autobiography was written from a cell in the Bastille at the command of her captors. Though she alluded to her suffering, it seemed almost an aside—an afterthought meant to simply highlight the delight she found in an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. It was that very relationship, in fact, for which she was imprisoned.

Upon my first reading of her story, I was angered by her passivity in the face of emotional torment directed at her by her mother-in-law and her maid. I was exasperated by her husband's neglect of her. I was outraged that she didn't fight against the establishment that convicted her and stand up for herself and the Holy Spirit living within her. I judged her a weak example of stewardship of the life God granted her.

I put the book aside and intended to forget about Madame Jeanne Guyon.

But her story nagged.

And nagged.

Also, two of my favorite authors, women who've mentored me through their writing, had both written about Jeanne Guyon. Either I'd also misjudged them, or I was missing something in Madame Guyon's life. So, a few weeks later, I picked up her autobiography again.

This time, I saw her with different eyes. I saw her with eyes that see. Instead of passivity, I saw faith. Instead of weakness, I saw strength. Instead of a lack of stewardship, I saw a woman whose life and faith are still speaking three centuries later.

Jeanne Guyon was intimately acquainted with what it meant to give up one's life for Christ's sake. She knew what it was to share in the sufferings of Christ—to know harsh judgment founded on the fear and lies of others. She understood, like Christ, that she was called to listen for the will of the Father, and the Father alone.

After my second reading of Jeanne Guyon's autobiography, I knew God had provided a companion for me through my own suffering—another woman to lead me in the way of prayer and surrender to God. For many months, I felt as though Jeanne Guyon walked with me through my own hardships and I began to wonder what a contemporary Jeanne Guyon might look like. What would she suffer? How would she handle it? How would she relate to God? To others?

Thus, the story of
Lost and Found
was born. It is a picture, I pray, of what it looks like to lose our lives for Christ's sake today. It is also a picture of one woman's romance with Christ.

It is a romance, a dance, I'm also participating in—and it's beyond anything I've ever imagined. I
t is also a romance He's calling you to. Do you hear Him? Do you see Him holding out His hand?

Will you dance with Him?

I pray you will . . .

I'd love for you to share your thoughts on
Lost and Found
with me. You may e-mail me through my Web site: www.ginnyyttrup.com.

Finally, if you related to Jenna's relationship with Brigitte in any way, if you find yourself in an emotionally destructive or abusive relationship, please, please, please pick up Leslie Vernick's book
The Emotionally Destructive Relationship
and allow God to lead you to a place of greater emotional health and strength found in Him (LeslieVernick.com).

Warmly,

Ginny L. Yttrup

1. Like Jenna, victims of long-term emotional abuse often lose themselves in the abusive relationship. Are there relationships or circumstances in your life that threaten the core of who you are? How do you hold on to the person God created you to be?

2. How did you feel about the way Jenna handled her relationship with Brigitte in the beginning of the story? How might you have handled the relationship differently?

3. Jenna chronicled her suffering and her relationship with God through her blog. How do you handle suffering? Do you reach out for others as Jenna did? Or do you isolate yourself?

4. Due to the wounds of her past, Andee felt compelled to control her circumstances. Are there wounds from your past that affect your behavior?

5. After learning Andee's secret, did you feel more compassion for her and less judgment of her? Are there people in your life you might extend that same compassion?

6. Both Jenna and Andee were faced with the choice of revealing truth or hiding behind their circumstances. How did the truth set them free? How does it set you free? (See John 8:32.)

7. At first, Jenna misinterpreted what it meant to pick up her cross and follow Christ, assuming it meant she had to stay in her place of suffering. What does it truly mean, based on Matthew 10:34–39, to pick up our cross and follow Christ?

8. Does anything about the verses in Matthew 10:34–39 surprise you? What?

9. Have you had to make the choice to walk away from people in your life who keep you from Christ? If so, was it a difficult decision and how did you handle it? If not, how would you deal with someone who came between you and your relationship with God?

10. Does the kind of relationship Jenna had with God seem extreme to you? Why or why not?

11. Jenna and Matthew shared a bond based on their mutual love for Christ. Do you have people in your life that you can share your spiritual journey with? If not, how might you establish such relationships and how would they benefit you?

12. Jenna seemed to have a romance with God. Does that type of relationship with God appeal to you? Why or why not?

13. Andee worked to redeem herself after she betrayed Jason and his family. Why did her efforts fail?

14. Have you ever struggled to accept God's forgiveness? Explain.

15.
Lost and Found
portrays God working simultaneously through the lives of Jenna and Andee. Unbeknownst to Jenna, God had her pray that Andee would "choose life," then He used that same passage of Scripture (Deut. 30:19) to encourage Jenna to do the same. Do you believe God works this way? Can you share an example from the Bible or from your own life?

16. Throughout
Lost and Found
, God seemed to speak to Jenna, Matthew, and even Andee. Do you believe God still speaks to His people? If so, how?

17. What did you take away from this story that you can apply to your own life?