Lost Boy (6 page)

Her room is nearly silent. She doesn’t move in there or answer back for a few minutes. 'What am I doing? In your dream?'

Thankfully, it's the right amount of time I need to get my head back on straight. I can't ever be the person she needs. I clench my jaw and text back, 'Sleeping and not annoying the living hell out of me.' I stare at the phone, hating myself as I type, 'Night.'

I stay as long as I have to, which is all night. My eyes flutter a few times, but I can stay awake for long amounts of time. I used to have to.

Michelle comes home in the wee hours of the morning, about ten minutes after Stuart messages me to tell me he is there to drop her off. I stroll out to where they're kissing goodnight and wait for her to get out of the truck. From behind the tree, she can't see me, but I can see the satisfaction on her face. Stuart also looks happy. I can't interfere in that, as much as I want to. I can't. I love seeing him happy. He's the only brother I ever had and he never lets girls get to him. He bangs and moves on, as he so eloquently puts it. He is my family, the only one I have ever really had.

Sometimes I think I replaced Em with him. I walk to the truck as Michelle walks to the dorm door. I get in and give him a look, "No more dates on the same night, okay?"

He nods, "Alright."

"You have a good time?"

He nods but his face doesn’t have any of the bliss it did before, "You look wiped. You been here the whole time?"

I yawn and nod, "Yeah. I need some sleep."

He chuckles, "You are taking this to a dark fucking place, man. I got the next watch." He takes us home to my place. I crash instantly and sleep like the dead.

When I wake, Stuart's passed out on the sofa. I frown, "Stu, where is she?" The hallway camera is annoying. I can't see anything but her door. I text her.

'Where are you?'

She doesn’t respond, it goes to voicemail. The message doesn’t deliver. I swallow hard. "Stu, where is she?"

He opens an eye, "What?" He pops up, "Oh shit, man, I fell asleep. Sorry, dude. She's probably there still."

I clench my jaw, "WHERE IS SHE?"

He puts a hand out, "Breaths. I'll find Michelle."

He texts and shakes his head, "Michelle left her in the room sleeping. She's probably still there."

"FUCK!" I start sending text messages. Not great ones.

'Where are you?'

'Why is your phone not receiving the messages?'

'I am going to send you back to that fucking orphanage if you don’t answer my god damned messages!'

'WHERE ARE YOU?'

'THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WHEN I SAID I DIDN'T LIKE THE DATE! IF YOU'RE HURT SOMEWHERE AND I CAN'T FIND YOU, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!'

Stuart waves his hands, shouting at me, "SHE'S IN THE SHOWER. MELLOW YOUR SHIT. MICHELLE IS GETTING HER NOW."

I growl, "IS SHE WITH HER NOW?"

He nods, "YES! Now chill out. Stop yelling at me. In two years we haven’t slipped up once. Dang dude, it's too early for this shit."

I see my messages start to deliver just as she phones. I feel like I'm going to explode, "YOU EVER TURN THAT DAMN PHONE OFF AGAIN AND I WILL COME AND GET YOU. NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

I hear the silence and the panic, and then the tears. She can't breathe and I feel like shit. She doesn’t know why I worry. She doesn’t know that I lost her once and it cost me everything.

In her world, she is fine. This is fine. She hasn’t ever been missing before in her world. I take a breath and speak softly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was wrong to shout like that. You scared me. I have to know where you are."

She doesn't talk. She whimpers slightly.

I whisper almost, "I can hear you breathing. I know you’re upset. Close your eyes. Just like Doctor Bradley says. Close them and find the peace and gratitude."

"You're an asshole," she whispers. A laugh bursts from me. It's huge progress for us both.

"Don't turn it off again, okay?" I mutter.

"Whatever."

I sigh, "Come on. Work with me here. It's all for your benefit."

"Whatever."

I think she's angry. I have yet to see that. Emotions beyond fear, from her are amazing feats. "You mad?" I ask, trying not to sound too amused.

"Yup."

"Good." I hang up and smile.

Then I remember the texts and quickly send her a message, 'Ignore the bad messages, the early in the morning ones. Got a bit desperate.'

I look at Stuart and wince, "Sorry."

He shakes his head, "I know."

And he does. He's the only one.

He looks exhausted. I nod, "Go back to bed. I'll take the next watch."

He shakes his head, "No. We gotta go work out."

I sigh, "Alright."

I want to say no, but I know she has classes all day and Michelle will be with her. I need to get work done and work out. Stuart and I learned early on, people like us have a need to work out. It's a dark need that can't be filled by anything other than full-on exertion. We did CrossFit for a while but boxing is the best.

I never noticed on the drive over to the gym he was quiet, but I detect it in the ring. He's pussyfooting around and barely taking shots. I pull back, watching his face for a second.

"What?"

He shakes his head, "What?"

My eyebrow cocks instantly, "Really? I've known you for fifteen years—that’s the best lie you've got?"

He snorts, "She's going to a club tonight, man."

I turn for the ropes-car-dorms-hostage situation but he grabs me.

"No, she needs this."

I swing at him but he jumps back, laughing, "This is the journey. Me and you have both been down this road, bro."

Flashes of me and Stuart in bars screwing chicks in bathrooms fills my mind. My eyes widen. I shove him and jump the ropes. He tackles me into the wall. I shove him off but he jerseys me and drags me down the hallway bent over.

He tosses me into the change room, making me stumble over a bench. His face is red when he points his glove, "Stop this shit."

I shake my head, "I can't let her go to a bar. She can't. She'll freak and panic, and have an attack in front of everyone, and that will set her back further. She cares so much about how she seems to them all."

He nods, "I know." His dark eyes cloud over, "Who knows about the lonely better than me?"

I try to catch my breath but I can't. My chest is so tight and heavy. I feel like pulling my skin apart to free the white noise and the buzzing inside of me.

I slump onto a bench with my head in my gloves. He sits next to me.

"I know, Eli. Her journey doesn’t have to be ours. She can make it whatever she wants afterwards but you gotta detach. You've been balls to the wall for two years on this shit. She has done nothing but prove she is a responsible girl. She's smart and resilient and strong. She's stronger than us. Remember us at this point? We were crazy."

My eyes won't open but I nod, "I'm going to the bar. I can't have her out and not see her. I need you outside with the truck."

He nudges me, "Stay out of her sight."

I nod, "I know."

His look grows concerned, "Do you love her?"

I can't lie to him so I don’t answer.

She looks beautiful. She is the most underdressed girl in the group of them, but she's beautiful all the same.

Her eyes are wide as they approach the line up. Michelle says something to her and her face flushes instantly. She looks like she might run, but instead, she pulls her pants down to her ass crack and hikes up her shirt to the bottom of her breasts, showing almost everything.

Stuart's hand slaps across my chest, pinning me to the seat, "No."

I don’t take my eyes off of her, "What the fuck?"

He laughs, "They won't get in the bar without her looking like meat, man. That bouncer ain’t gonna let some chick in jeans and a tee shirt stroll past the line."

I take a deep breath but it becomes a growl. A guy behind her is touching her, pushing himself against her.

Stuart shakes his head, laughing, "You have to breathe. She just needs to get in. Sarah ain't no fool. She ain't gonna let some random rub against her."

She disappears into the bar like she's in a conga line and buddy behind her is making me ready to murder someone, him mostly.

I climb out and give Stuart a look, "Be ready. She'll be here in fifteen."

He shakes his head and points with a cocky smile on his lips, "She just pulled her pants to her ass crack to get in a bar. She's gonna be fine."

I slam the door, strolling up to the bouncer.

He gives me a look but the hundred dollars I place in his hands puts a smile on his lips, "Well, come on in."

I nod and walk past him. The club is the same as all the others. A girl in a miniskirt tries to eye fuck me from the bar. I can count the seconds I've got, before she ties the stem of the cherry she's sucking into a knot. She saunters over, sliding a hand up my chest, "Hi there."

She smells of insecurities and booze. I pluck her hand from my chest, still scanning the room, "No, thank you."

She scowls, "Screw you."

My heart stops, my girl is dancing and throwing her hands in the air. Her clothes look normal again but her hair is down. I shake my head and mumble, "No, thank you."

The trashy blonde leaves in a huff. A brunette with huge, glossy lips walks up to me as I lean against the bar, hiding in the corner to watch only.

The brunette nudges me, "You look grumpy. Want me to cheer you up?"

I glance at her, trying not to think about those glossy lips and where I would like them wrapped. I shake my head, "I like being grumpy."

She grins wide and flutters her lashes a little, "I like you grumpy too."

Shit.

I turn, waving at the bartender, "Scotch, neat." I look back at the brunette and know she could make the noise stop. The sound of the buzzing inside of me almost craves her. She steps closer as my drink lands in front of me, and picks it up. She shoots the scotch back. My hand slips into my pants, pulling a card. I slip it into her hand before I really think about the choice I'm making. She plucks it from my hand and saunters off again, wiggling her perky ass in her black skirt. My face is tight with want and need.

I wave at the bartender again. He places another scotch in front of me. I suck it back as fast as the brunette did and turn back around. My girl is dancing up a storm.

She stops and leans against the rail around the dance floor. My body, still filled with whatever the brunette did to me, walks that way. I don’t have control. It's involuntary. I hate involuntary but she's like a tractor beam.

She looks at me nervously; it's the first time in a long time that our eyes have met. She swallows and somewhere inside of me the bad thoughts I was having die off.

"Want to dance?" What the fuck am I doing?

"No, thank you." She shakes her head, looking scared but there is something else in those eyes. She stares me down, "Do I know you?"

I look around the bar, trying not to panic, "I don’t think so."

She watches me and then it's as if a light bulb comes on. I can see the recognition, "Are you him? Are you my guardian?"

She is smart. Too smart.

I want to laugh and tell her who I am; she's too smart for me. Instead, I close it off, "Him who? What?" I roll my eyes, "I just wanted to dance." I turn and leave quickly, leaving the bar. My hands are sweating. My stupidity and desire are all consuming. It doesn’t even make sense. I suit the girl with the luscious lips and the want to be punished. I suit the hard life I have; my girl is a delicate flower. She doesn’t deserve what I am, the bad thing they made me into. The thing I made myself become, to forget the things they convinced me weren’t true.

I cross the road, walking past the truck, and head into the city. My lack of self-control with her is brutal.

I don’t even know how to get it back. She is running me without even knowing me. I dial Jane and cringe when she answers.

"How is your evening?" Her patronizing tone makes me want to murder her.

I sigh, "Great. She's going to be fine. That Sebastian you hired, he's perfect. They've hit it off and now she's at a bar having fun and being reckless."

"You can tell me I was right, I won't mind."

I scoff, "Well, lets not get carried away. I don’t think you need me though. You don’t need me to play the part. She is honestly, fine. A little fear here and there, but beyond that, she's good." I don’t say that she doesn’t need me because I hate that. I need her so much. I hate that more. I need to be free of her.

"Eli, you know you're going to be fine even if she never knows who you are. You made it out of that hole too."

I nod, "Yeah, but Em didn’t." I end the call and pray the brunette calls me.

She doesn’t though, it's Stuart who phones next.

"I have her. She freaked. We're driving." He hangs up quickly before she hears him.

My stomach sinks, and yet, my heart feels something resembling my twisted joy. She needs me.

I get to the dorms and sit outside her door.

She is crushed but I'm not. I still see her tear-stained face staring at me, needing me the way I need her. She makes me brave, she always did. I couldn’t carry her and Em so I had to choose. She just doesn’t know I chose her; I always did.

The floor of the dorm is cool, compared to the muggy heat of the early fall. Boston is one of those places where the switch hits and suddenly it's freezing. The switch hasn’t hit yet though. My dress pants are itchy against me.

I could stare into space for hours, I have so many times. I could get lost in the nothingness I surround myself with. But she stops it. My back pressed against the wall of the room she is in, makes me real and grounded and purposeful.

She is the reason and doesn’t know it, doesn’t know me.

My phone vibrates, 'Michelle is coming!'

I get up and leave the dorm quickly. Stuart is sitting at the curb waiting. His eyes are dark, they get that way sometimes. I think my girl makes him sicker.

"She was bad," he says as he opens the back door. I walk past him to the passenger seat and nod.

He sighs and closes the back door, "You annoy me. You hire me to drive you and her around, and yet, you don’t act like I'm your driver."

I give him a look, "I want details."

He smirks but it's the dead-eyes smirk I hate, "I need White Castle so lets get some food and talk."

"Fine."

"She was having a beer with Michelle and then that guy Dr. Bradley hired was there. I think she called his ass and told him what was going on, for real. Anyway, she flipped out, too much pressure, exposure, or whatever. She went dark, made me drive her around."

I give him a softened look. He sighs and drives towards White Castle, "She and that guy are for sure gonna date, dude. She likes him."

I nod, "I know. I wish she knew who he is and why he's there."

Stuart scoffs, "He's there ‘cause she's hot."

I give him a look, "He's there because Jane asked him to be. I know she set this up."

Stuart laughs, "You have had a hate on for her since you banged her. I told you that was a bad idea."

I hate the wording ‘banged her’, but I have to give him that one. I banged the shit out of her.

Her needs match mine. Doctor Bradley is a sick woman.

I change the subject, "Well, we wait it out, when she needs us we'll be there. This thing with this guy isn’t going to last. She doesn’t stand a chance at this normal she wants so badly."