Lost in Us (8 page)

“Want a tour?” I feel Ryan step behind me. He’s close enough that I can smell his cologne. The scents of sandalwood and peppermint with a hint of citrus send my hormones into overdrive. If we were in another place, another time, I’d be in his arms.

“I’d like that very much,” I say, turning toward him. There are only inches between us. Our hands brush against each other, and I feel his fingers repeat the grazing motion. His eyes are focused on mine so intently. His head turns slightly and I follow.

“Ryan, I…” the voice and clearing of a throat causes him to step back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“You didn’t, Jessica. I was just asking Hadley if she wanted a tour.”

I smile at Jessica, but turn away. I don’t want to see her staring at Ryan. I don’t want to see hurt in her eyes because of what she just witnessed. Had Ryan kissed me in that moment, I would’ve allowed it because I’m that selfish.

I can see their silhouettes reflected through the windows, and instead of watching the guys on the field I’m watching them. His hand rests on her hip and their backs are to me. The hushed tones bother me, but this is his office. I’m sure it’s business and not personal. I would hope she’s not over there planning my demise, although if I were in her shoes that’s exactly what I’d be doing.

When I see Ryan turn toward me, I avert my eyes and pretend I’m capitated by the man swinging the bat.

“Are you ready?”

I turn and offer him a smile. He doesn’t smile back, but I don’t let that ruin this moment. He places his hand on the small of my back and leads me out of his office.

“Why are there so many people now? These halls were empty when I arrived.”

“It’s game day. We have a lot of seasonal employees here, and most show up two to three hours before the gates open.”

I stop in my tracks. “Oh Ryan, I wasn’t aware. I’m sorry. I can come back.”

“Don’t be silly,” he says as he pushes us along. We take the escalator down and stop in front of the souvenir stand. “What’s your pleasure, Ms. Carter?”

“Excuse me?”

Ryan laughs. “Well, I figured since you’re here and it’s game day, we’d catch a game.”

“I’ve never been to a game.”

“I know, Hadley, and we’re about to change that.”

After I pick out a hat and a t-shirt, Ryan and I go to dinner and by dinner I mean we walk a few feet and order hotdogs, nachos, popcorn and a giant pretzel to share. He said we’d share, but I’m a bit skeptical. With our food in our hands, he leads us to our seats. I hear the whispers as I descend the steps, but ignore them. I’m here to watch a baseball game with the man of my dreams, and if that means no autographs tonight, I’m going to do just that.

Ryan and I sit down and my hand instantly delves into the popcorn. “God this stuff is so bad for us.”

“I know, but it’s a staple. You
have
to get popcorn and a hotdog at a baseball game.”

I nod as I bite into mine. “This is really good.”

He laughs as he eats his. “Everything that’s bad for you is good.”

“Excuse me.” We both look up to find five or six girls standing off to the side of us. “Can we get a picture?”

I look at Ryan and don’t miss the eye roll. I clear my throat. “Not tonight. I’m sorry.” I’ve never seen faces fall so fast, but I want to be a normal person tonight with Ryan. As soon as they’re gone, he smiles. I bump his shoulder with mine, and he laughs again.

After we stand for the National Anthem, the game gets underway. Ryan is the perfect host in explaining everything to me. Deep into the eighth inning, the game is tied and we’re up to bat. I’m leaning forward with my hands clasped, praying like everyone else in the park for a hit. The batter swings and we can all hear the ball hit the bat. Heads all move in slow motion as we follow the ball as it flies out of the park. The stadium erupts in cheers as we all stand up.

“Oh my God, Ryan, did you see that?” I ask as I clutch his arm. I’m so excited I miss the chance to give him a high five. Once our hands connect, everything around us stops. Ryan leans toward me as I wet my lips. As much as I should shy away, I can’t. I love him too much to deny myself a chance.

Our lips touch, briefly, and I jump as fireworks go off behind us. He straightens, but keeps his eyes on me.

“Maybe I can see you tomorrow?”

“I’d love that,” I reply, nodding my agreement.

I
look at the clock above my mantle and watch the second hand tick by. The time is moving painstakingly slow, and with each minute that passes, my anxiety increases. I was so stupid last night, kissing Hadley like that, but can’t deny that it felt amazing. I pulled away as soon as I registered what I was doing, but the damage had already been done. Jessica could’ve very well seen us from her father’s box seats, and hurting Jessica is the very last thing I want to do. However, hurting Hadley isn’t an option either.

When I left New York, I thought I left her behind. I never imagined she’d show up here, especially not a year later. The feelings I had, they’re still there and stronger than ever. The old adage, absence makes your heart grows fonder, is exact in my case. Hadley and I needed a year apart from each other to grow. The issue with that is the only way to grow is to see other people. I happened to meet an amazing woman who listened to me whine about my failed relationship. Jessica and I connected over our love of sports, particularly baseball, and our failures at high-profile relationships.

Now I’m sitting here waiting for Jessica so I can confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. We’ll break up because it’s the right thing to do. I can’t lead her and Hadley on, and if I’m having trouble fighting my feelings for Hadley – who no doubt knows what’s going to happen the next time I’m with her – I don’t want to do cheat on Jessica. It’s not fair to her, and she’s been a trooper through all of this. I owe her the respect she’s earned by being honest.

The sound of Jessica’s key sliding into the door makes my heart thrash a rapid pace. I should stand and greet her, but I feel as if I have cinderblocks holding me down. I quickly turn on the television and act as if I didn’t hear her come in. When she enters my living room, she leans up against the wall. She’s dressed to go running, which means she’s not planning on staying.

“Hey,” I say, stupidly. She smiles softly, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Come sit down.” I adjust so that I’m open to her with my leg under my other one. She sits and reaches for my hand. Our fingers intertwine, and I look for my body to respond the same way it does with Hadley. I shake my head lightly when I don’t have the desired results.

“I saw you,” she says in a hushed tone. I nod, confirming that, yes, I screwed up.

“I’m sorry, Jessica.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, Ryan. I told you to see her. I have no one to blame but myself.”

I pull her to me and hold her in my arms. I don’t know why I can’t be in love with her so deeply that she’s the only one I see. She’s perfect for me and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I don’t need perfect. I need crazy and wild. I need the opposite of who I am to keep me grounded.

Jessica pulls away, but stays close to me. “I didn’t want to watch you, but as soon as I saw her turn those fans away I knew she was changing for you.”

I nod because after watching Hadley do that, knowing what it could cost her, it showed me that she’s willing to make us work. “It’s not as simple as turning away some fans though. You know that my problems with her stem from her tours. She was always gone, and that’s not what I want out of life.”

“I know, but I also know you have a connection. You’ve been good to me, Ryan, the best, in some cases. You’re sweet, personable and very good-looking, but your heart belongs to another.”

I blush at her compliments and chide myself at same time. I don’t deserve them. “My heart belongs to you too and I don’t know what to do.”

“Ah, sounds like you’re in a pickle.”

I laugh hard at her baseball terminology, but she’s right. I have Jessica on one base and Hadley on another with me running in between them not sure which way I should go. The funny part, one would choose the safest route, and that would be Jessica, not Hadley.

I pick up her hand and hold it mine. “I don’t want to hurt you, Jessica. It’s the last thing I want to do, but I’m really off kilter here. I didn’t mean to kiss Hadley last night, but I also wouldn’t take it back.”

“I know, Ryan. I’m not blaming you. I knew when I told you to give her a chance that this could be the outcome. I’m not stupid, but I’m also not willing to be someone’s second best. With you, I was guaranteed to be second whether you thought that way or not. From the first day we met, you found a way to slip Hadley into the conversation. I don’t know if you were doing it subconsciously or what, but I never questioned your devotion to her.”

“She’s all I’ve known.”

“I know, and maybe you guys needed a year apart to figure out your lives. If I do remember correctly, she started performing at a young age and spent her teen years in a tour bus. She probably missed a lot of that growing up part.”

I nod because it’s true. Ian had her touring so much that she missed everything. Eventually, she started dating Cole until he cheated on her. She went through a very public break-up with him that caused a lot of untrue and very nasty rumors to surface.

“I’m going to make a decision for you, Ryan, because honestly I don’t think you know what you want. I’m going to break things off. If you can’t work things out with Hadley, give me a call. I know all your baggage and while my feelings may be hurt, when I commit to a man, I need to be his number one.”

Jessica stands, leaving me stunned by her words. Somehow I’m able to rise to my feet and walk her to the door. She sets my key, which is already off her keychain, on the hall table. She was going to break up with me today, regardless.

I pull her into my arms before she steps out into the hallway. “I’m sorry, Jessica.”

“I know, Ryan.”

I cup her face gently and place my lips to hers. The spark I thought I had with her is no longer there, and only images of Hadley flash behind my closed eyelids.

“Bye, Jessica.” She nods, but doesn’t say anything as she closes the door. I lean against the wall and slide down, holding my head in my hands. One would think I have a clear path to pursue Hadley, but I don’t. I’m not convinced that Hadley and I should be together or if we’ll even work. There are things that I want and need from her and vice versa.

I know we’re going to have to compromise, and for me it will mostly revolve around her touring. If we’re going to be together, things have to change. I won’t go back to how things were and New York isn’t an option.