Lost Princess (4 page)

I missed Papa. I’d had a hard time adjusting to life in the castle until Callista had come and our friendship had blossomed. She was everything I was not—purely female. She’d been taught since birth to be a wife, and while she was smart and clever, she was not educated in worldly matters but knew just about everything about running a household. All I knew was taking care of myself and my father, who had done his share as well. I knew nothing of directing a staff, or of keeping a large busy castle running. I suddenly had a frisson of fear shiver down my spine. Would Max expect me to be able to do those things?

And yet, I’d managed here. The servants knew I was odd and tolerated it since they had no choice. The other ladies here avoided me. If I hadn’t had my friendship with Callista, they’d probably not ever speak to me at all. The children, at least those who were girls, liked me, but the boys did not, and the girls would inevitably be told I was a bad influence and to stay away from me.

I’d heard the cruelest comments from some of the women. “She’ll never be married.”

“Look at her, she even looks like a man with all that height.

“How awful it must be to know she will always be a burden and never have her own place.”

And the most confusing comment: I wonder if she even likes men, or it it’s women she prefers. I had no clue what that one meant, although I’d heard it more than once said with such distain I’d been sickly curious to find out what it’d meant. I was too shamed to ask Callista, however, who would have demanded to know who had said it and would have gone to my defense.

I’d managed here at the castle because Max, the ruler and fist of the castle, had not really noticed my existence. I just wasn’t important enough to gain his notice, a gift I’d been very thankful for. Well, I hadn’t gained his notice until today.

I finally said to Callista, “But I do believe that men are not better, just stronger.”

Callista looked exasperated. “Strength is what counts, cousin! They control everything—money, servants, us! All we have is what they allow us. How in any way does that make us equal?”

“But underneath it all…” I began doggedly. This was not the first time we’d had this argument. I’d been so sure when I’d come to the castle, but each year had weakened my belief until now I wondered if I truly believed it anymore.

“Cousin! Look at me!” Callista said firmly and a little wildly. “Today Max could have ordered your execution with one word. He didn’t even need a reason, although we gave him an excellent one. He rules us, and as your husband, he will certainly rule you. If you challenge him, you won’t last long. I swear that to you.” She looked at me to see if I understood. Unfortunately I did. I felt that wonderful part of me that knew I wasn’t a freakish giantess but a smart, witty woman, shrink and hide away. Truth was truth, and here, in this place, Callista’s words were true.

I sat down heavily on the bed, more unhappy than any time since my beloved father had died. Even when I’d been scared to death that Max might kill me at any moment I had still believed in myself. Now, I just didn’t know anymore. “Callie,” I said in a voice that was weak and hardly sounded like me, “I don’t know if I can bear it.”

She sat on the bed, our backs to the door, which had swung open as usual, and put her arms around me. “Kat, you just have to. You don’t have a choice.”

I was suddenly tired and dispirited. “I’m going to sleep. You’re right, Callie, I know you are. I can’t be myself anymore. I have to be whatever it is he wants. I’ll hate every minute of it, until I eventually lose the passion to even hate. You know I’m right in this.”

Callista nodded slowly. “I’m sorry, Kat. I wish I could help, but there is nothing for you with him. He will break your spirit. A man like him will accept nothing less. Why else do you think he chose marriage as your punishment? He’ll enjoy breaking you. The only question is how long you’ll fight the inevitable. Don’t fight at all, is my advice. Just do what women always do—endure.”

I dropped back on the bed and let the tears escape. I hadn’t cried out of sorrow since the day my father died. And yet tonight it seemed almost the same. Only it wasn’t my father’s death I was mourning, it was mine.

Chapter Three

My wedding day was bright and clear, if cold. The entire morning was filled with preparations for the wedding—servants bathed me and did my hair and pushed clothes at me. I simply did as they wished in a fog of sadness from which I couldn’t seem to escape. I’d never considered that a person’s spirit could be broken, less even that anyone would want to do such a thing. I suddenly saw Max—the Regent, in an entirely new light. The light was harsh and tainted with despair. In a short time this man would be my husband, and I would be under his eye and thumb. What chance did I have?

At some point in the night I’d even considered running. But I had a feeling he would have prepared for that, and the next day I heard the servants talking to each other as they worked on me. They mentioned a guard had been set at the top of the stairs in the tower where Callista and I resided. Short of growing wings and flying out the window, I would have had to get by the guard in order to leave. Callista was right—he wouldn’t allow any disobedience. He would always get whatever it was he wanted.  I was so lost in my despondency I was nearly surprised to find myself standing next to Max as the priest blessed our union. I repeated the words swearing to subjugate myself to Max, and I felt my spirit wither further. I noted dully Devlin was next to Max, and he’d smiled at me. I couldn’t find a smile to return, however. Both men looked really attractive in their dark clothes and dark hair. Max and Devlin looked no more alike than any brothers, but both had an undeniable handsomeness about them. I should be considering myself favored that such a man would even want me. But I felt nothing but sorrow and a fervent wish his eye had fallen on someone else.

After the ceremony, there was a feast of sorts, and all enjoyed themselves immensely. Or I assume they did. I barely noticed anything. I sat quietly at the table where Max had told me to sit at his left. I’d eaten when he’d bade me to, and not said one word the entire time. He hadn’t pressed me for conversation, although I did notice him watching me sometimes, as if thinking deeply about something. It didn’t matter. I’d survive tonight, and then I’d worry about getting through the following day.

Eventually Max rose and taking my hand pulled me to my feet as well. No one dared call out any sort of bawdy advice to Max as they might have if the groom had been anyone else. I followed Max quietly through the halls to his quarters and then inside. Once the door was closed he set the bar, and I felt a shiver run through me. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck as he considered me.

“You were quiet today, wife,” he said in his deep voice. “I wonder what thoughts you were having.”

I said softly, “What thoughts would you wish me to have, my lord?”

He frowned. “What game do you play, Katrina?”

“No game, my lord,” I assured him sadly. “I know when I’ve lost.”

He came to me and lifted my chin to look into my eyes. In spite of my freakish height, he was significantly taller. I tried not to drop my eyes or let them fill with tears. I knew either action would anger him. “Katrina, you do not know as much as you think you do.”

I was momentarily intrigued. What could he mean by this? But it didn’t last as he pulled me against him and kissed me hard, sliding his arms around me and holding me so tightly I could barely breathe. I forced myself not to react in any way, not wanting to anger him more.

Callista had told me women were to simply lie still, not fight, and endure what men did to them on their wedding night. How she came by this advice she didn’t say. I could feel myself wanting to squirm, probably from fear, but I kept myself tightly stiff. Max suddenly released me, and I stumbled back.

He slowly walked around me as if he was stalking me. I found my breathing unsteady and couldn’t help turning to keep my eyes on him. He took off his coat and tossed it aside thoughtlessly. “Tell me, Katrina, why did you run away?”

I gulped. “I’m sorry, my lord, I shouldn’t have.”

He came closer and pulled some of the pins from my hair. I have long chestnut hair, and it had been pulled tight and piled on top my head.

I stayed still and watched him.

“That does not tell me why,” he said, a silky threat in his voice.

“I…I told you, I was wrong. I thought you were…I mean…“Max leaned in closer and spoke almost in my ear, his breath along my neck making the air catch in my throat.

“Come now, you weren’t so reticent to speak yesterday.”

“I wished only to protect Callista,” I finally managed to say.

“Protect your cousin?” he said as he pulled the last pin out and my hair tumbled down my back. “From me?”

I nodded dumbly as he put his hands into my hair and rubbed my scalp gently. It felt incredibly good, and I let out a small sigh of pleasure before I could stop it. Max let his hands slide down my neck very slowly, again causing me to shiver.

“You feared I’d harm her? As you fear I’ll harm you?”

I tried to tear my mind off his hands, which had now reached my shoulders and were continuing down my arms. “I…what was the question?”

He had moved so he was behind me, and now that he couldn’t see my face, I let my eyes close and tried to ignore the pleasure. Max’s head bent so he could again let his breath tickle my ear. “Am I hurting you?”

“N—no, my lord,” I said fervently.

“Tell me what you feel,” he ordered.

I swallowed, sensing a trap here. “Nothing,” I said.

“Nothing?” he asked in a disbelieving voice.

“Is nothing wrong?” I asked, bewildered now.

His hands had reached mine, and he briefly let our hands twine together, squeezing gently before continuing his slow journey back up the insides of my arms.  “Tell the truth, Katrina. I can feel you shivering. Are you cold? Afraid?” His hands had reached my torso again and were slowly, so slowly moving down to my waist, where they cupped my hipbones through my dress.

I knew I had to answer. “Afraid. Shouldn’t I be afraid?” I wasn’t sure what the right answer was, and couldn’t get my mind off his hands long enough to lie convincingly.

“I think you’re lying to me, wife.” His hands moved as he came around in front of me again. “Do you like this?” He leaned down and gently but deliberately licked my neck. I shivered again.

“No,” I said. Callista had told me that I must do as he wished, but never indicated I should enjoy what he did—quite the opposite.

“Hmm,” he said. “I suppose you’re allowing me to do as I wish with you out of fear? Of duty? You do not care for it?”

Again I sensed he was trying to trap me, but I couldn’t see where the trap lay. “Yes?” I said, uncertainty evident in my answer.

He chuckled now. “What has your cousin been telling you?”

I blinked at him. “I—I don’t know the right answer!” I finally said a little desperately.

Max gave me one of his very rare smiles. “Should I tell you what to say?” he asked.

“Yes, please,” I said, mesmerized by his eyes burning into mine.

“That is the right answer,” he said.

“What?”

“You said, ‘yes, please.’ That sounds like the right answer.” He brushed my lips with his, just a touch, and I let my eyes close. “Now, it is up to me to ask the right question,” he added, giving me another soft kiss. “Katrina, do you want me to kiss you?”

I opened my eyes to see his face close to mine. “Yes, please,” I said. His lips touched mine again, and again, each kiss slightly longer than the previous one. Of their own accord and completely without my permission, my hands found their way to his waist where the feel of his warm body under his shirt made me feel a little crazy.

“And shall I touch you as well?” he asked against my lips.

“Yes, please,” I said on a sigh as his hands slid up my rib cage, then gently touched my breasts through my layers of clothes. I was getting warmer by the second, and wondered momentarily if I was getting a fever. But this thought as well as any other thoughts were erased when he kissed me again, harder this time, allowing his mouth to open slightly. It seemed perfectly natural to let mine open as well. When his tongue touched mine, I shivered so hard he pulled back. He looked at me for a minute, seeming to like what he saw.

“Shall I kiss you again, like a man kisses his wife?”

“Yes, please,” I said, already moving up on my toes to meet his mouth as it descended towards mine. He kissed me for a long time, and my hands roamed about his chest, his back, and back to his hips. Then he pulled me closer to him, and I felt something that did scare me a little.

He must have felt the shift in the direction of my thoughts, for he slowly ended the long kiss. “Do you want to remove your dress?”

I bit my lip, my fear kicking up a notch.  What if he said I was ugly? A freak? He waited expectantly for my answer. I could think of nothing else to do. “Yes, please,” I whispered.

He turned me so he could loosen the hooks that held my dress in place. I had barely noticed what dress they’d put on me this morning, and I didn’t notice it any more now that Max was taking it off. As it loosened sufficiently, he pushed it off my shoulders and it fell to my waist. His hands followed it and he pushed it over my hips to pool at the ground around my legs.

Under my dress I wore a ‘shimmer.’ These were worn under sheer expensive dresses so the material would appear to sparkle when worn over it. Max didn’t stop to admire it but pulled the ties loose on it as well. My shimmer was built so it held my breasts under it; no other article of clothing was needed. And the maids this morning had refused to let me wear any underwear, saying that sometimes men were in a hurry and couldn’t be bothered with such things on their wedding night. As my naked body came into view, Max let his breath out in a low sigh.

I panicked. “I’m sorry!” I said, stepping back and trying to grab my shimmer and pull it back up. “I’m not…I mean, I know I’m tall and I’m not very curvy, and sometimes the ladies say I’m built like a boy, and….”