Louder Than Words (23 page)

‘I don’t understand why we can’t hang out together normally.’

‘I’m not
normal
.’ She practically spat it at me.

‘No and that’s why I . . . like you. But I don’t know if you like me. You never invite me to yours and you never want to come to my house either. I’ve met your friends, but you’re not interested in mine. And you got on with them, didn’t you? When we first met.’

She stared back at me with an unreadable expression, or rather several because so many changes flitted across her face I had no idea what I was seeing.

And then she got up. ‘OK, so let’s go to your house.’

‘What? Now?’

‘Yes, right now. Why not?’

And so we came home. Mum was out, but Rafi was in, watching a box set on DVD in the sitting room.

‘Hi, Rafi,’ Lara said and then there was a long pause as she took in the enormity of trying to have a conversation with someone who didn’t speak.

Rafi gave Lara a slight smile. I knew what that smile meant. It meant, ‘Don’t bother.’

‘I’ll make coffee,’ I said and escaped to the kitchen. When I came back they were watching the DVD in silence. I was a bit annoyed with Lara for that. She could have tried to make an effort with Rafi. I know she’s not easy to deal with, but Lara could have made some attempt. If she likes me, she would have – that’s what I was thinking. So perhaps she doesn’t really.

Why had she come round then?

Perhaps to her I was like all the girls before her had been to me – she just wasn’t that into me.

I was relieved when Josie showed up. At least Lara could talk to her.

I don’t know, Dad. I really thought she was beginning to like me. Now it feels that I was wrong. Has it ever been like this for you? I wish you could tell me.

Love, Silas

You have witchcraft in your lips.

(William Shakespeare)

CHAPTER 42

I was so pleased when Josie turned up. My peaceful afternoon had been shattered when Silas appeared with Lara and then left me alone with her, like I was meant to entertain her or something.

Not that she made any effort. She smiled distantly and then sat back to watch the DVD. I should have been glad, I suppose, because I didn’t have to attempt to communicate back, but really it all just felt a bit rude.

Silas had gone to make coffee and after a minute Lara’s phone rang. She answered it.

‘Hey, what’s up?’

‘You’re not supposed to call me though?’

‘No, he’s not here at this moment, but . . .’

My ears pricked up. She was talking quietly, but I could hear her quite clearly even over the TV. I pretended to be totally focused on what I was watching.

‘Yeah, he’ll be ready to do it . . . No, we haven’t talked about it . . . What do you mean, how do I know then? He’ll be ready all right!’

From the corner of my eye, I saw her sneak a look at me.

‘Look, I have to go. This isn’t a good time. No, I’m not going to screw it up now! I’ll call you later.’

She rang off and I kept my face as perfectly blank as if I’d heard nothing at all. I’d had years of practice at that after all.

I could feel her looking at me, but I didn’t even blink out of turn and after a moment she relaxed and went back to watching the TV. Did she think I was really that deaf or stupid? It was hard to imagine what went through people’s heads when they acted like I couldn’t hear. I should be used to it by now, but it still took me by surprise.

But what was that all about? I didn’t like the sound of it. Not one bit, although there was nothing specific she’d said that I could have identified as disturbing. She could have been talking about anything. So why did I think Silas was involved?

My brother came back into the room with coffee and then the doorbell rang. He went to answer it. Josie was back from her visit to her grandmother. I could have hugged her with relief.

Silas disappeared off again to make her coffee.

‘Hi,’ Josie said to Lara. ‘Haven’t seen you about much lately.’

‘No, I’ve been busy.’ There was something supercilious about the way she said it, sitting on our sofa with her silk-shiny hair and her perfect, perfect little features. Something neutral inside me crystallised into dislike.

‘Are you in love with him?’ Josie asked, obnoxiously bright.

Even I didn’t know where that came from! What was she up to?

Lara’s face sharpened with displeasure. ‘That’s a bit heavy. We’ve only just started seeing each other and we’re not . . . you know . . . not . . .’

No, I didn’t know and neither did Josie.

‘Well, love is for further on than we are . . .’ She stopped and took a breath, not quite as together as she liked to pretend she was. ‘Look, Silas is great and I like him a lot, but I don’t fall in love that easily. It takes time, you know.’

Josie flinched as if she thought that was aimed at her for the Lloyd situation. Then her eyes narrowed. ‘Silas doesn’t talk about you much. So do you live and what do you do?’

Lara sighed in an exasperated way. I sensed her dismissive attitude was actually staged to put us off. She shifted in her seat, edgy and uncomfortable – her face was sharp with it.

‘I live in Graycombe, for what it’s worth.’ That was the town near here. ‘And at the moment I work in a shop because I’m saving up to go travelling. Any more questions?’ Her Ice Queen chill was designed to shut Josie down, that much was clear.

‘It’s cute that you guys are together though.’

‘Yeah,’ Lara replied in an anything-but-cute voice. Actually, it could have frozen icicles in a summer heatwave.

‘What you up to today then?’ Josie grinned at her like she hadn’t noticed the chill factor.

‘Just hanging out.’

‘Aw, and he brought you home to meet the family. That’s so sweet. Has he met yours yet?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’ Josie dropped the cutesy façade and eyeballed her. ‘And how come you never let him hang out with his friends any more?’

Lara made a sound of disgust. ‘He can do what he wants. And why do you care? Jealous?’

Josie didn’t miss a blink. ‘Nope. He did me a favour and I owe him, that’s all.’

‘You’re jealous,’ Lara said with a humourless laugh and she got up and walked to the window where she stood and looked out.

I would have thought that I’d have wished to be like Lara – beautiful and tough, delicate and imposing all at once. But I didn’t. There was something just too remote about her. Something too out there for me to want to copy.

Silas came back in with Josie’s coffee. Lara turned at the sound.

‘Let’s get out of here,’ she said.

He nodded. Of course. And followed her from the room.

‘He looks a bit pale, your brother. Has he been ill?’ Josie asked.

No – I shook my head – Silas hadn’t been ill, but he had been spending a lot of time cooped up in his bedroom messing with his computer. I thought it was because he wasn’t seeing Lara and he was moping around up there, and texted that to Josie.

‘Hmm,’ she replied. I followed her gaze to the garden outside where Lara was walking down the path with Silas. When they got to the apple tree, she turned and pulled my brother’s head down. She kissed him hard, and long, like I’d only ever seen people kiss in films. But what did I know of kissing?

Josie knew more though. She shook her head at the pair of them wrapped round each other. ‘That was a show for us,’ she said. ‘You know what? I really don’t like that girl.’

CHAPTER 43

When Josie had told Andrea we were going to work on the shaping techniques, she wasn’t kidding. Every day after school she dragged me into her bedroom, shut the window so I couldn’t obsess over people passing outside and hearing me, and she pretty much made me hum.

I’d never responded to pressure well, but this was pressure Josie-style so it came with a bounce and a big grin and lots of confidence that of course I could and would do it. For the first ten days, I couldn’t make a sound. By day five, I was in tears as she encouraged me to hum. I couldn’t do it . . . nothing came out. I tried, and tried, and tried, but it just wouldn’t happen, and the more I tried the more I began to panic.

Can’t do it, useless, stupid failure. Can’t even hum, let alone speak.

Josie pulled me into a bear hug. ‘Like riding a bike, remember? Lots of wobbles at the start. And not being able to take your feet off the pedals. But it’s OK. You’ll do it.’ She pulled back and studied my face. ‘Yes, you will. You will, Rafi. I believe you can even if you don’t.’ She grew stern. ‘And you know what? Someone in your gifted but massively lacking-in-common-sense family should have made you believe in yourself years ago.’

Silas had quite a lot of common sense. I didn’t credit the others with much, but he did.

‘And I include your brother in that. I know you think he’s the best thing ever, and I owe him hugely myself so I don’t like dissing him, but from what I’ve seen of the way he’s mooning around after that girl, even he gets it wrong sometimes.’

Lara had accused Josie of being jealous; was she?

She shook her head. ‘Anyway, forget Ice Queen. Let’s try again. Make a little sound, any sound, anything at all. Forget the hum if it helps, just do a noise.’

I gathered myself in a huge effort and managed . . . an ‘ERRRRR!’ of frustration.

‘YAY!’ Josie leaped up and punched the air. ‘You did it! You actually did it!’

But it wasn’t a hum.

‘Do it again, anything!’

I tried once more. ‘EH . . .’ came out loudly, louder than I’d thought possible.

It was as Andrea said – I had no control. The sounds I made were loud, then quiet, and never what I wanted them to be. But they were sounds. And Josie’s wild cheering was infectious.

Despite myself, a small grin of triumph curled at the corners of my mouth.

I was still on a high from my victory the next day at school, until lunchtime when my good mood came crashing down. I did my usual thing of hiding out in the library. Rachel and Clare were sitting in there, browsing through newspapers for an essay on General Studies they said, as they invited me to sit at their table. I nodded my thanks and took a seat at the top corner out of the way of all their spread-out paper and files.

I was reading my book when I heard Rachel exclaim, ‘OMG, look at this!’

Clare leaned over and read the newspaper article Rachel was looking at. ‘ActionX? Aren’t they the people Lara took us to see?’

‘Yeah, but I thought they were OK. I never realised they were like this.’

‘Glad we didn’t really get involved now, aren’t you?’

‘Totally. Hey, you don’t think Silas –’

And then they stopped as if they’d remembered I was there. I pretended I hadn’t heard, but during next lesson I faked feeling ill with a bit of dramatic clutching at my mouth and stomach so I could go out to the toilet. Only I went to the library instead and picked up the paper Rachel had been reading. The librarian was on her lunch break. It didn’t take me long to find the article.

David Armstrong, known to associates as ‘Deef’, was today refused bail after violent incidents at the court. Armstrong was being charged with incitement to riot, violent affray and assault on a police officer. The court was told how on entering the court building, he had briefly escaped custody and attacked two police constables in the process. Both officers required hospital treatment. Armstrong has been told to expect a custodial sentence for his part in the London riots several weeks ago. He was dragged from the court screaming abusive language at the court officials. Armstrong is a member of the anarchist group ActionX, who were again implicated in violent demonstrations in London last week where police were attacked, shops looted and burned, and one civilian was hospitalised with head injuries sustained when he was accidentally caught up in the protest.

I sat back in the chair, my heart racing. Silas had come back smelling of smoke the night of those last lot of riots. Not the one this Deef had been arrested for, but the one after that. ActionX were there . . .

What on earth had my brother got himself into?

I have so much of you in my heart.

(John Keats)

CHAPTER 44

Dear Dad,

I’m feeling better about it all now. You might not like what I’ve got to tell you, but part of me hopes you’d be a little bit proud of me for fighting for something I believe in.

I began for real today. Lara and I went over to Dillon’s. We didn’t waste any time – we went straight upstairs into Dillon’s inner cyber-sanctum where Tyler was waiting for us.

‘Dude, I am so stoked about this. I cannot wait,’ Tyler said, practically bouncing up and down in his chair. ‘I’ve never been part of a hit this big. This is like something Anonymous would do. I’ve only ever read about this stuff.’

Lara smiled and a shiver ran along my spine as I thought of how she’d grabbed me and kissed me under the apple tree. How the next day when I met her at the bus station, after she’d texted me to say she needed to see me, she’d told me, eyes melting as she looked up at me in a way I’d never seen her look at me before, that she knew she was difficult and that she could be cold. But what she needed me to know was that I wasn’t like any guy she knew. She could see I was different and could I just give her time to – and this was the part I replayed over and over again wondering what it meant and how I could help her because she had totally slayed me with this bit – could I just give her time to get over her demons.

Give her time?

I would have waited an eternity for her.

As I sat down in the chair to make the attack, I knew all Dillon’s speeches, all Katrin’s battle fervour, were nothing to me. When it really came down to it, ActionX’s pull for me was totally down to Lara, not them. Because it mattered to her, and what mattered to her mattered to me. Beyond that nothing much did any more. A levels, university – all the stuff that had seemed so important just a few weeks ago, all gone away. And now there was only her . . . her eyes looking into mine . . . her lips on my mouth. She was everything.