Love after Marriage (6 page)

Roshni stared at Deepak. “What is it? Are you all right?”

“Yes, I am… Would it be all right if we postponed this ritual?” he asked her. He paused and continued, “Please excuse me. I feel stressed at the moment.”

Roshni looked into his eyes very sweetly. “I can understand. It’s okay with me.” She smiled. “Honestly, I’m nervous myself, but why are you so tense?”

Deepak appreciated her willingness to cooperate – to postpone the ritual; however, he had to spit out what was on his mind. He struggled for the right choice of words. “Pardon me, Roshni…everything, I mean, our marriage happened so quickly, and…and I was not ready for this. I feel I was forced into this decision,” Deepak blurted out.

A bomb dropped on Roshni. This was a rude awakening to her. With her eyes wide open, she asked, “What?… I mean, what do you mean?”

Deepak looked at Roshni and tried to explain to her, “I was not ready for an arranged marriage.”

“But Sashank bhaiya asked you before the wedding, right? And…and you met me… I am confused. Can you give me some more details,” she asked.

“I always questioned the compatibility in arranged marriages; it concerned me. I…I was not ready to get bonded to a stranger as my life partner.” He continued looking towards her. “I always wanted to find my life partner, get to know that person, and then dedicate an unwavering faith to the relationship.”

“So you wanted a love marriage,” she responded.

“I came here to convince Sashank bhaiya of the same, but everything…” He continued after a pause, “And everything happened so quickly, and personally I–” He stopped abruptly, rubbed his forehead, and was lost in thought.

“Did you discuss this with Sashank bhaiya?” asked Roshni, still in a state of shock and unable to recover from what Deepak had said a few minutes ago.

“He believes strongly in arranged marriages, and I was not able to change his opinions, and–”

Roshni interrupted him. “You could have mentioned this to me. I would have stopped this marriage.” She took a deep breath and expelled it slowly. “Ha, how I wish you had said something to me.”

“Roshni, I meant to say, but…all the decisions had been made. I guess everybody here assumed that this was final,” he said remorsefully.

Roshni emphasized, “No, not me, I wanted to meet you and talk to you before we agreed to this. Do you remember, I asked you a question regarding your expectations for a wife… Why did you not tell me then?” She murmured, closing her eyes, “It is too late now.”

Both of them closed their eyes and took deep breaths, expelling air slowly, no words…just sadness.

It dawned on Deepak that the conversation had had a big impact on Roshni. All he wanted was to discuss this openly with Roshni and ask her for some time to sort things out, and unintentionally, he’d blurted out more than warranted. She was not to be blamed; it was he who could not communicate very clearly either to her or Sashank bhaiya, and he felt terrible. He went through myriad emotions regarding his marriage, his relationship with Roshni, his life, their compatibility and his loyalty to this relationship.

Roshni felt that somebody just pulled the rug from under her feet. She was shocked, angry, and frustrated. All her dreams shattered in a moment. It felt the earth was opening and engulfing her. She trembled and lost control. She stood at the edge of the table and quickly grabbed it for some support.

This was a big blow to her self-respect; she felt rejected. She experienced myriad emotions: disappointment, anger, hatred towards Deepak for not telling her, hatred towards Sashank bhaiya for not being honest, and toward her babuji for not finding out more details about Deepak’s views on marriage. She was unable to control her tears. The more she thought about it, she became fearful… What if this guy was already married? What if he had a family in the US? Maybe he tried to explain to Sashank bhaiya, but bhaiya never listened to him? She thought,
Oh, Devi Maiya! What just happened?

After a few seconds, she gathered some courage. “Deepak, would you mind if I asked you one more clarifying question?”

Deepak nodded.

Roshni wiped her tears. “You mentioned you were not ready for this marriage.”

Deepak nodded in affirmation.

“Did you not want to marry at this time, or did you not want to marry me?”

Deepak felt thunderstruck. He was unsure what Roshni was trying to ask him. “Does that make a difference? Why do you ask?”

“Yes, it does. Your logic to not get married at this time and your views on love marriage are in alignment.” She thought for a moment and continued, “However, if you did not want to marry me, that tells me something else.”

Deepak interrupted her. “Like what?”

“Is it possible you are interested in somebody else, or…?” She wanted to ask him if he was already married but hesitated.

This was a big jolt to Deepak; he never anticipated such a question from Roshni. He had heard she was very honest and open, but to ask this question directly needed some courage, and she definitely had it. He was put on the spot. He was in a dilemma to answer her. He had already caused much suffering to Roshni, and he did not want to lie to her anymore. He struggled internally, not knowing how to communicate his feelings to her. There was a delay in his response, and his silence spoke volumes to her.

Are my suspicions right? Does he have a girlfriend, or is he already married?
she thought.

Roshni repeated insistently, “Deepak, are you interested in somebody else, and is that why you felt forced into this marriage?”

“NO,” responded Deepak emphatically. “I was not ready to get into a relationship with a stranger.”

Although his relationship with Karen meant nothing, he felt he needed to be honest with Roshni. He sighed. “Roshni, I will share all the details, and all I ask is please allow me to finish. I know you feel offended and you are angry at me, and…and you have every right to be angry, but please listen to what I have to say,” he pleaded.

He hoped for some patience and understanding from her, but she was already very agitated. She tried to be calm and wanted to know the details from Deepak and sincerely hoped he was telling the truth. She nodded. “I am listening, please continue.”

“I wanted to pursue a relationship with a girl in the US, and I came here to discuss this with Sashank bhaiya and–” He stopped abruptly.

Roshni was shocked.
What!

“Yes, she is an American and works with me, but we never socialized together. I do not know any other details about her, as a person I liked her, and that is all! Keep in mind this was just a thought at that time.” He hesitated. “And I hoped to talk to Sashank bhaiya about her and then proceed to get to know her better.”

Roshni listened intently to Deepak.

“Sashank bhaiya does not believe in love marriages so the topic of this girl never even occurred with him. We discussed compatibility in love marriages and arranged marriages.” Deepak paused; he recollected his conversations with Sashank bhaiya. “Whatever I said about love marriages bothered Sashank bhaiya, and I could not say anything more.”

Deepak continued looking at Roshni. “He is so impressed with you, and he thought you were the right person for me! I guess he knows you enough that he felt both of us will have great compatibility and a happy married life.” Deepak waited to see if Roshni had any questions, but there was no response from her.

He continued, “So it had nothing to do with this girl or with you. I was not sure of getting wedded to a stranger.” He moved a step closer to her. “I even suggested to Sashank bhaiya that we could get engaged now and get married later, but because of the VISA formalities, this idea was opposed as well.”

He was lost in thought again, recollecting the conversations he’d had with Sashank bhaiya.

Roshni heard him talk, but she lost respect for Deepak and could not confide in him. Nothing mattered now. Both were quiet, lost in thought. A few minutes later, Roshni wiped her tears and looked at Deepak. “So, Deepak…where do we go from here?”

Deepak was muddled; his mind went blank. He was aware he’d hurt Roshni’s feelings. He respected her and certainly had not intended to torment her, but the entire conversation turned out to be catastrophic. He’d inflicted enough pain and decided to remain silent.

Roshni felt miserable and betrayed. She could not control her tears, and they trickled down her cheeks. She started taking off her jewelry in disappointment. She was in a daze. Some of this jewelry fell on the floor, and some was on the corner of the table adjacent to the couch. She did not pay much attention, and finally she removed the bracelets that Sashank had gifted her, welcoming her into the family. These two bracelets slid from the table and were about to fall when Deepak stepped forward and caught them before they fell to the floor…a symbol of hope; would he hold onto the marriage?

Roshni regained her composure and wiped her tears. “Deepak, I feel humiliated and am deeply troubled. I feel belittled. I am a very open and honest person and certainly expected the same from you.”

She cried and, with a voice trembling with outrage, said, “I believe two qualities that are absolutely essential for any relationship and very true of husband and wife are trust and commitment. Affection, love and compromise come as we move on. I entered this relationship with full confidence in you and your family, and was fully devoted to making this relationship work.”

She looked at him. “I believe in arranged marriages and love after marriage. I may seem conservative in my thoughts, but…but it is obvious both of us differ in these philosophies. It was your mistake entirely not to discuss any of this with Sashank bhaiya or me.”

She took a deep breath. Deepak began to see some of Roshni’s personality traits again. He looked at her and secretly admired how well articulated she was in communicating her feelings; she was so mature!

She was enraged and bore strength from her anger. “After hearing all that you said in the past several minutes, I have lost all faith and confidence in you,” she snapped at him and grabbed her change of clothes from the suitcase and walked to the bathroom.

This was indeed a very powerful statement from Roshni, and Deepak stood still. He stood there with the bracelets in his hand, staring in her direction as she walked away.

He was responsible for all of this mess, and he’d behaved very immaturely and certainly not up to Roshni’s expectations. He left the bracelets on his carry bag, which was next to the sofa, and sat on the sofa, running his fingers through his hair, perplexed. He began to ponder over the conversations they’d had; all this could have been handled very differently! Unfortunately, a lot of damage had been done to Roshni and to their relationship, and it was his fault entirely.

Inside the bathroom, Roshni leaned against the wall and wept like a little child. She gradually pulled herself to the floor, covered her face with her palms, and cried. Why did all this happen? Her dreams were shattered, her life at a crossroad! It hurt her to hear she was a stranger. It hurt when Deepak talked about compatibility because she knew she was a very flexible woman. It hurt to hear that he wanted to pursue a relationship with somebody else. All this was a big blow to her dignity. She felt degraded. What should she do? Where should she go?

The promise to her father came to her. What should she do about the promise to her father? How would he react to all this? She worried that if Babuji found out about this, would he be able to take this shock? Many thoughts and many questions, tears continued to roll down her cheeks.

It had been a while since she entered the bathroom, and Deepak was concerned. He waited and waited, and finally, he had to knock at the door to check if she was all right. She did not respond to the knock, but pulled herself up from the floor, wiped her tears, and quickly changed into a comfortable salwar kameez (night dress). One more knock by Deepak and she unlocked the door and walked out.

Deepak walked to her. “Roshni, as I mentioned, I need some time to sort through all this.”

Roshni did not care to listen to him and walked away. She grabbed a sheet and settled herself on the sofa. Deepak tried to talk her into sleeping on the bed, but she refused, leaving no option for Deepak but to relax on the bed.

Of course, with all that had happened, neither of them slept. Deepak was pondering over the conversation and his immaturity, trying to figure out how he could rectify this.

Roshni was on the sofa, wiping her tears that did not stop. Finally, she established to herself that it was not her fault, so she should not feel dejected and sad. She should not behave as a loser but move on with her life – without Deepak. She had no feeling any more, no sorrow, no heartache, just a dullness…

Chapter 5

Deepak and Roshni Visit Vaishno Devi

It was 6:30 a.m. on December 15
^th
, one day after Deepak and Roshni’s wedding. Roshni woke up and was mentally drained. The previous night’s experience had taken away all her energy. She looked around, and Deepak was asleep on the bed in an uncomfortable position, his left hand across his face. Roshni woke up quietly and got ready. She wore a simple embroidered silk sari with her pallu over her head, as a mark of respect for the adults at home, and came to the pooja room. She cleaned the pooja room and put rangoli in front of the platform on which rested Durga Devi’s idol. She later lit the oil lamp and the incense and sat quietly in front of the idol. As the cloud of sandalwood incense spread throughout the room, she stared into Devi’s face and questioned the goddess in her mind.
Devi Maiya, why bring him into my life if he is not to be mine? Why this…and what did I do to go through this? You got me married and…
Tears sprang to her eyes; she could not continue as tears rolled down her cheeks.

She heard footsteps, and she gathered herself and moved away to the side and leaned against the wall as quietly as she could. Sashank bhaiya came down to the pooja room and noticed the lamp was lit. He wondered who had come in that early, and as he was about to leave, he heard the tinkling sound of bangles. He peeped in and saw Roshni standing against the wall.