Love and a Gangsta (32 page)

“I gave you many chances, Omar. I’ve stuck it out with you since the beginning, and you know it. But it’s not fair for me and your son to be put through this endlessly,” she said.

“My son…?”

“Yes, I’m having a boy,” she informed me.

I knew it. I smiled inwardly thinking about my unborn son, but then the news of her wanting to divorce me crushed me.

“I took the sonogram and the doctor confirmed it.”

“America, can’t you see that I’ve changed. I just made one simple mistake and it now it’s costing me my family, my freedom, and my marriage.”

“Have you Omar or should I call you Soul. You changed Soul?” she replied with some doubt in her voice.

“Yes indeed. You’ve watched the change. I’m not trying to go back to my ol’ ways. I’m trying to build a family the right way.”

“Oh really Omar. You wouldn’t lie to me about anything would you?”

“America, why would I lie, boo? You mean everything to me… All this was just some ol’ bullshit.”

“You wouldn’t lie huh, Soul?”

“I’m telling you boo, I just got caught up in some bull—”

“Then tell me why I found fifteen thousand in cash, a pound of marijuana, and a loaded gun hidden in my apartment. Is it your shit, Omar?”

Damn, I thought. That was so stupid, stupid, fucking stupid of me. I cursed myself, it was mine, all mine. The gun I held from the shootout, knowing that I should have gotten rid of it. And the money and drugs, I couldn’t explain to her. She caught me dirty.

“Where did you find it?” I asked.

“In my closet, under a lose floorboard. How could you, Omar? How can you just sit there and lie to me about everything. I trusted you and you just did me wrong. I told you, please don’t put me through that hell again,” she said.

Tears started trickling down her face as she looked at me with hurt in her eyes.

“I need a fresh start,” she continued. “And if divorcing you and moving on can do that for me, then so be it. I will always love you and you will always be the father of my son. I won’t keep you out of his life. I promise you that. But our marriage, the relationship we had together, it’s dissolved and at this point in our life, there’s no more mending. You just have to go on with your life.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I tried to hold back my emotions, and be strong despite my situation. Her words punctured something in me. How the fuck did it get to this point? I asked myself. I remember several months ago, the look on America’s face when I stepped out of prison after four years, and the passion and love she showed me was priceless.

True hearts, it seemed like we would remain together forever. But now, the look and expression she gave and showed me, felt distant. This was a new woman seated in front of me. In my mind, I kept thinking, how did all this transpire? How did I let it get to this point between us?

She was the only woman that I truly loved. The thought of losing her was making me go crazy. I released my hands from hers before continuing.

“America, be for real wit’ me, are you seeing somebody else?”

“Not right now, but to be honest, there is someone who has been looking out for me and has been there for me. I’m thinking about giving him a chance.”

My blood was boiling. I hated to hear it, but in my position what could I do. I let her down once again. Of course this time around she was going to do her.

“We had our chance, Omar, now I feel it’s time for me to move on and see what else is out there for me,” she added.

I had no words for this. My heart pained and my mind was spinning too fast.

“I’ll always love you, Omar. Be safe in here, and when you get out, remember that you still have a future for yourself and your son,” she said, sounding like a counselor. She became teary eyed and held onto my hand, gazing into my pained soul, and said, “Give me this divorce, please. If you
truly love me, let me break free and start over. And if we are meant to be in the future, then God will bring us together again. But for now, I can’t do it with you anymore. I need for you to change and be a different man for our son and for yourself. For your, baby.”

I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore, and a river started flowing down my face. It upset me to look at her and know we wouldn’t be together anymore and to see her move to another man was just unthinkable. I’ve been in her life for almost ten years and now it felt like a new chapter was opening up for the both of us. We were on different pages.

“Whatever, America, go ahead and do you. I didn’t expect for you to wait for me after the shit I done put you through again. But I’m sorry, and I still do believe in us. And I will get my life right, baby. I promise you that, for our son and myself. I will get it right and the next time I walk out of this place, it will be for the last time.”

“Thank you. I gotta go now; Kendal is waiting for me outside,” she halfheartedly said.

Hearing her say his name, made my heart sink, I was drowning in my sorrow. I fucked up and this nigga came off the sideline into my starting position. I never felt so helpless in my life. America stood and so did I. We embraced and hugged each other for a long time. Then she gave me a kiss on my lips with tears streaming down her face and said to me, “Take care of yourself.”

After that, I sat back down and the C.O. escorted her to the door. But before her exit, she turned to look at me with this sudden afterthought and our eyes studied each other and I still saw some deep-rooted compassion in her eyes for me. I knew our love was still there. I knew and felt that America still had that burning love in her heart for me. I nodded.

America disappeared behind the thick steal door and I started to reminisce about all the good times we had together. I shed a few more tears and then got myself together and was soon escorted back into lockup.

Two months later I was back upstate in Franklin Correctional facility in Malone, New York. It hurt me to be there again, but that was life. I fucked up, but I wanted to get it right this time. And with a son on a way, I had something to look forward to. It was motivation to raise my child right, so he won’t have to go through what I went through in life. I wanted to be the father that my father wanted to be to me before he died of cancer.

The definition of a strong woman or man is
someone who can weather many storms.

 

Without loss of goodness in his or her character…

 

 

 

I walked out the visitor’s room in tears, and I was so emotional, I almost fainted. Omar was my lover for life and I loved him still, but I couldn’t bear putting myself through another incarceration. My heart and spirit told me to move on with my life. We needed to go our different ways.

Kendal came through for me. He was there for it all. I had his full support. He had called me one night to apologize for his actions. I broke down over the phone to him. I told him that I was sorry for misguiding him and what had happened between us. He explained to me that he wasn’t sorry for the way he cared and felt about me, and confessed his love for me again.

I invited him over that night and he came knocking on my door one hour later. And over some Chinese food and a few glasses of wine, we talked almost all night and really got to know each other. Kendal was definitely a sweetheart and soon one thing led to another and we were together, but taking it one day at a time.

My wounds were still fresh and he understood my pain. He deserved a chance with me, and I couldn’t keep my feelings for my Omar forever. It was strange having a new man in my life, but sometimes we have to play the cards we were dealt.

February 28
^th
I gave birth to my son at three in the morning in Jamaica hospital. He was seven pounds and ten ounces. I named him Kahlil Omar Stanfield.

Kendal was right by my side holding my hand, giving me encouragement when I gave birth. He was so proud that you thought he was the father, and some of the nurses and doctors actually thought that he was. They congratulated him and welcomed him to fatherhood. Kendal ate it up.

Omar found out about the birth of his son that same week. He called me collect and I informed him about the birth. I told him the name I’d chosen, the weight and who he resembled. I could picture him smiling. I promised to send him a few pictures of Kahlil and he couldn’t wait to see them.

Deep inside, I was upset that Omar wasn’t there personally to witness his son’s birth. He had a few months left upstate before he would be released again, and everyday I prayed for him, my son, and my new boyfriend. I
prayed for everlasting life and happiness for all of us.

For the first time, with Kendal and my son around, I felt like a family. My music career was taking off. I was signed to an independent label and working on my first album, with the help of Kendal.

My life finally seemed to be in order and moving in the right direction. My divorce from Omar was finalized a few weeks before Christmas and we both were cool and talked from time to time.

I didn’t know what the future held for me, but I became a born again Christian. I believed that everything in life happens for a reason. I wanted to live life right and do the things I loved doing, which was music, raising my son to be a respectable man, having a family and being loved—minus all the drama.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love those who treat you right.
Forget the ones who don’t.

 

 

 

I was ecstatic about the birth of my son, Kahlil Omar. But saddened that I couldn’t be there to see him born. I promised him that enough was enough and I was gonna change my ways for him.

I had a few months left on my bid and I felt blessed because I knew that I was getting out again and had a second chance. The extra charges against me were dropped and I was serving out the rest of my previous time.

Rahmel was, of course, upset to see me returned to lockup. He preached to me and said, sometimes a righteous man will fall many of times before he is able to stand on his own.

“A baby,” he said. “Before they’re able to stand tall and walk, they’ll stumble and fall many of times before they are able to get it right and walk on their own without any support. You stumbled and fell a few times, but Soul, you will get your life right. Believe me, you will get it right. Just dust off the mistakes and pain, and keep it moving. Keep it moving my brother and think of your son, this is not the end for you, it’s only the beginning for us, Soul… Only the beginning.”

And he was right, I had to close one chapter of my life and open another. This was definitely not the end for me, only a minor set back in my life. I had to prepare myself for bigger things to come.

I sat on my cot and began writing America and my son a poem. I wanted to write them something meaningful and uplifting, and even though we were now divorced and my son was only a few months old, I wanted them to understand my journey—our journey.