Love and Leftovers (17 page)

“It is so hard, for me

to be in the middle of all of this.

Linus, Ian, and Angelo

are all calling you a selfish bitch.

So I, well, I—

I haven’t invited you over when they’re over—

and I can’t invite you

to hang out at the Thomases’.”

“Let me get this straight?

You’ve been hanging out

with the Leftovers,

without me?”

“We have to practice.”

“For what?”

“The talent show.”

I remember them doing that last year.

“And it’s weird because

Linus and Emily are

kinda going out.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“No, I didn’t!” she shouts.

“He’s going out with Emily,

calling me a selfish bitch,

and you didn’t tell me?”

“Like you told me about breaking up with Linus?

Like you told me about kissing Prince Harry?

Like you tell me anything!”

“I wanted to—”

“But you didn’t.

Because you’re a

selfish bitch!”

I Gasp

“Oh God, oh God, oh—”

I shake her words off of me

and

run

all

the

way

home.

The House Is Quiet

When I wake up my room is dark.

I can see the red numbers on my clock,

the purplish glow of the neighbor’s porch light.

I stumble to the kitchen with the awkward steps

of a sleepwalker in search of Cheerios.

I eat them in front of the silent, gray TV, imagining

myself spilling my guts to millions of viewers

on a daytime confessional.

Linus, J.D., and Katie would all be there

pointing out every terrible thing I have done.

I couldn’t argue. They’d be right.

The host would stop for a commercial break.

“Don’t worry,” he’d say to the camera,

“we’ll be back with more selfish bitch,

right after this.”

That’s How Danny Found Me

wrapped in a blanket

with a bowl of congealed cereal

on my knees.

“Hey, Marcie,” he said when he came home from work.

“You don’t look so good.”

I shook my head,

wiped my nose on my sleeve.

He sat on the couch,

put his arm over my shoulders,

and pulled me to him.

Fat tears welled in my eyes

and fell on his shirt.

I Tell Danny

“My friends think I’m a selfish bitch.”

“Well,” Danny says,

“
selfish
isn’t a bad word.

It means ‘looking out for

your own interests.’

And, for how crazy life

gets sometimes,

that’s a good policy.”

“Come on, Danny,

you’re just trying to make me feel better.”

“
Bitch
, though. That’s a tough one.”

“I cheated on my boyfriend.

So I guess it fits.”

“Ah,” he says, like it all makes sense now.

“The male ego bruises easier than a overripe apricot.”

“I didn’t mean to do it.

I was lonely.

And I didn’t know

he loved me.”

“It sounds like both of you got hurt—

it’ll take some time to get over this.”

“Daddy says time and love

cure everything.”

“Don’t tell Ethan I said

this, but I think what

he means is time and
understanding

cure everything.

It sounds like
love
started this mess.”

Loner

Wednesday,

I go through the cafeteria line

and buy myself milk

and a chocolate chip cookie

to go with the turkey sandwich

Dad made me.

Then I find a chair

at a mostly empty table

in the corner

because I can’t stand

the thought of sitting

with the Leftovers

while they call me names

in their minds.

Danny Suggested That I Try to Be Understanding

So, before the bell rings,

signaling the end of lunch,

I visit the Leftovers.

“Em, Linus, I know you don’t need my blessing,

but I wanted to let you know . . .”

Emily listens intently

      while Linus pretends not to hear.

“. . . I’m okay with you two going out.

I understand that I haven’t been around,

and even though we just broke up,

we’ve really been apart for seven months.”

“You’re not mad?” Em asks.

“No,” I tell her, Linus, and everyone else.

“We broke up. I’m over him . . . you.”

He glances at me when I say “you,”

then away quickly,

as if the word stung his cheek.

“You sure?” Emily confirms.

“Yeah, I’m sure. You deserve Linus,

more than I ever did.”

Eight Seconds Later

Walking away,

I knew

I had said the right thing,

even if

Linus looked like

I dug his heart

out with a spoon.

Eight Hours Later

I feel like shit.

Being nice sucks.

I shouldn’t have done it.

I shouldn’t have gift-wrapped Linus for Emily.

I should have said,

“WAIT!

I’m not finished.

I’m not done.

I’ve got hormones pulsing in my veins,

a broken heart that hasn’t healed,

lonely arms that need someone to hold,

and a pair of lips that can’t forget That Kiss.

I need him.”

When I Was in New Hampshire

I wanted to come home.

But now that I’m home,

I miss the pine trees, the ocean, the winding roads. . . .

Okay. I’m lying.

I miss J.D.

And Mom.

Not that Dad isn’t cool about almost everything.

He’s a really good listener.

Not that Danny is an eyesore to eat breakfast with.

He can’t wait to teach me how to drive.

It’s just really weird getting to know two gay people,

when I’ve never had any gay friends.

I guess falling in love feels the same

for gay couples.

But I don’t even know

what falling in love feels like for me.

Much less anyone else.

My Best Friend Is Falling in Love

Katie and Angelo

look so darn cute holding hands,

walking to class,

kissing on the steps,

and finishing each other’s sentences

like a married couple.

I know for a fact

Katie and Angelo

have managed to get Sharpie marks

nearly everywhere.

I just wish

Katie and I were talking

again.

So I could live vicariously

and feel what it feels like

to fall

in love.

Mom Calls Me

“I got so bored in Durham,

I drove down to Boston,” she said,

like I didn’t already know

how boring it is in East Nowhere, New Hampshire.

“That’s great!”

“I parked my car at Greta’s and got a T-Pass for the week.

I’ve been to Newbury Street,

Faneuil Hall, and Quincy Market.

The Mary Baker Eddy Library has this Mapparium—

a three-story glass globe. . . .”

I hadn’t heard her sound so happy

since the day we went out for Chinese

in our party dresses.

I should have felt happy for her.

But part of me wished

I had been exploring Boston with her,

instead of being here

when she was there.

Talented

I didn’t pay much attention

to the winter talent show

posters in the halls.

I guess

Katie, Linus, and Ian

made the cut

because their band name,

The Leftover Lovers,

is in the program

that the student usher hands me

when I file into the auditorium

for a Friday afternoon assembly.

Four-Letter Words

Linus has

L O V E

written on the knuckles of his right hand

and

H A T E

written on his left.

Katie has

O V E R

written on the knuckles of her left hand

and

L E F T

written on her right.

Judging from the Roar of the Crowd

The Leftover Lovers

just won the winter talent show,

with a Bowling for Soup cover,

giving them the honor

of headlining

the Saturday night performance.

(Which means they can play

an entire set.)

I clap politely

as Linus, Katie, and Ian

hug, jump, and whoop onstage

but my heart isn’t in it.

The Saturday Show

is a sold-out event.

The auditorium is packed

with students, family, and friends.

Carolina, Emily, Olive, and I

squeeze into front-row seats

Garrett and Angelo

saved for us.

I sit on the end next to Garrett,

because part of me wants to be one of the Leftovers

and part of me knows I’m almost unwelcome.

Although we clap and cheer

for the other acts,

we’re really here to hear

a few Bowling for Soup

and Violent Femmes covers

by The Leftover Lovers.

The curtains open to Ian’s drumroll,

revealing Katie and Linus

center stage.

One mike.

Linus is in dark jeans, black Converse,

a hand-me-down Superman T-shirt,

and the faintest smudge of eyeliner.

Katie’s wearing a blue button-down, Doc Martens,

a Catholic schoolgirl skirt over thigh-high stockings,

and a black garter belt.

Angelo puts two fingers between his lips

and whistles.

Katie flips her pink-streaked hair

and blows him a kiss.

The crowd erupts in cheers.

Linus Looks So Cute

hiding his nervousness

behind his bangs

by pretending to watch