Read Love and Miss Communication Online
Authors: Elyssa Friedland
Love and Miss Communication (34 page)
Photograph © by PhotoOp
ELYSSA FRIEDLAND
attended Yale University, where she served as managing editor of the
Yale Daily News
. She is a graduate of Columbia Law School and subsequently worked as an associate at a major firm. Prior to law school, Elyssa wrote for several publications, including
Modern Bride, New York
magazine,
Columbia Journalism Review
, CBS MarketWatch.com,
Yale Alumni Magazine
, and
Your Prom
. She grew up in New Jersey and currently lives in New York City with her husband and three young children. Visit her at www.elyssafriedland.com.
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#SOCIALMEDIAGIVESMEANXIETY
Many people have asked me why I decided to write a book about a woman who gives up the Internet. They want to know if I gave up the Internet myself and if I think people should live off-line. The answers to those questions are
no
and
no
. But I am fascinated, and often overwhelmed, by the way our world is changing due to the prevalence of the web and social media, and writing
Love and Miss Communication
was my way of trying to make sense of our new reality. I wanted to create a character who is driven to quit the Internet and then manages to live off the grid in a society where that basically seems unthinkable. Imagining how that would change the course of her life was so intriguing that I couldn’t wait to find out where it took her—and me.
We all see the way pins, posts, Tweets, hashtags, and “likes” have infiltrated society as we know it. For me there were a couple of specific incidents regarding the Internet that particularly hit home, and by that I mean sent me into something of a nervous spiral abouthow quickly the world around me was evolving.
The first occurred at my college reunion. Instead of “catching up” in the traditional sense, classmates who barely knew each other in college were joking about shared photos and congratulating each other on major life events. People
I couldn’t remember ever laying eyes on during college approached me to say, “Your son had the cutest Halloween costume” or “Congrats on the new apartment.” I congratulated them in turn on their promotions and asked about their recent vacations. All of this happened because we were Facebook friends, which meant that despite having never been actual friends, we knew
a lot
about each other (including the results of the Facebook quiz “Which Golden Girl Are You Most Like?”—for better or worse I was Sofia). In a strange way, our class was more connected ten years out than we were when we all lived together on campus.
Shortly after the reunion, my husband and I tried to set up a friend of ours with a great woman we both knew very well. We were unable to produce a photo of her (how she managed to escape the Internet’s prying eyes we aren’t sure), but our friend simply refused to call her without seeing a picture. We realized that the blind dates of our parents’ generation were officially over. So were job searches. Employers readily admit to checking out an applicant’s online presence before making a decision. We are all on display, and there are few mysteries left. That’s partly why my husband and I decided not to find out if our third child was a boy or a girl (we found out with the first two). I wanted to experience a real surprise because it had been so long since any
information I sought had been more than the click of a button away.
How much
is
appropriate to share on social media? And how much snooping is appropriate? And more importantly, how does all this posting and searching make people feel?
I’m a moderate poster. By that I mean that I put up pictures of my family about two or three times a month. It’s actually really nice. When my children celebrate birthdays, I get tons of “likes” and “HBDs” and it makes me feel great—cared for, cheered on, admired. Of course, my posting has also backfired. I have what I consider to be an undesirable birthday from a social media standpoint. It’s July 3, and many people are away celebrating the long weekend, hence they lack the time to check in and wish me a great day. I’m left floundering on what should be a joyful day. I’m not even friends with half of my “friends”—so why do I need their electronic well-wishes?
As most of us are realizing, all this posting can definitely take away from “the moment.” I find this happening most often when I’m with my children, who are by far my most valuable asset to show off online. We could be having the most glorious day: Picture apple picking when the temperature is a crisp 66 degrees and we’ve all just busted out our quilted vests for the first time this season. Cuteness abounds. But then I pull out my trusty iPhone and start clicking away. “Smile!” I shout. “Don’t make funny faces!”
“Move closer to your sister!” “Stand back, I can’t see your whole outfit!” I start barking orders at my children like a drill sergeant, all in the name of that elusive thing—a perfect family photo for Instagram, or at least a sixty-plus “hearts” photo.
While I’m a moderate poster, I’m not a moderate checker. I look at Facebook and Instagram at least five or six times a day, scrolling through pictures of friends and acquaintances for long stretches of time, and often when one of my children is clamoring for my attention. It’s partly voyeuristic, but mostly it’s out of boredom. When exactly did this happen? When did it become unbearable to wait to cross the street without whipping out our phones? Why was the installation of Wi-Fi in the New York subways such a cause for celebration?
Now, I won’t pretend that I’m not interested in other people’s pictures and posts. They are more than just diversions from my children’s petty fighting or the tedium of standing in a long line. I stare at my Instagram feed and think: Why is my ex-boyfriend still dating that not-so-cute girl? Whose children are grasping chess trophies (and when did they start lessons)? Who is on a glamorous vacation? Why wasn’t I invited to that party?
So what does all this have to do with Evie Rosen? Evie is, in my estimation, bright and capable with a good head
on her shoulders. She’s competitive and driven and looking for love. The problem is that she’s doing it in the age of the Internet. There’s a virtual yardstick out there, and Evie is constantly checking to see how she measures up. How could she not? Men and women alike are scrutinized with a forensics lens even before a first date. New friends’ pasts are unearthed after a first greeting. And everyone is posting pictures showcasing the very best in their lives. For someone like Evie, who is at a crossroads in her life, this pressure becomes unbearable. Who can blame her for checking her e-mail a hundred times a day at the office? She’s at a job that can be painfully boring and is living in a world that is changing by the millisecond. She just wants to keep up—that is, until all that keeping up derails her career and Jack’s wedding pictures crush her heart.
Unlike Evie, I didn’t quit the Internet, though I have given myself long stretches without it. I thought going off social media sites would make me feel isolated. In fact, it had no effect on my relationships. Maybe that’s because the connections made through “likes” and Tweets and hashtags cannot replace a good phone conversation or a lengthy catch-up over a meal. What my brief periods of abstinence really did was make me evaluate why I was posting pictures. Most of my close friends see me and my children regularly. So why do I feel the need to broadcast
my daughter in her darling ballet leotard, my baby in nothing but a diaper, with his glorious rolls on display, or my older son with, yes, a chess trophy? Call it a desire to share, call it a compulsion of our generation, or call it simply showing off. All are true.
For Evie, the Internet is at times destructive, but it also enables her to connect with her friends while she is tethered to her desk. Her journey reflects the ways in which the Internet can be both the single most unifying force and also the most isolating. Going off-line also leads Evie down paths she never would have stumbled upon otherwise, and has certainly left me wondering where I would be if I fully disconnected.
But I am still posting, so please do be on the lookout for my latest crop of posts and grams. I implore you to like or heart them.
1. How do you feel about Evie’s dismissal from Baker & Smith? Do you think it was justified? How much time do you spend on personal matters during the workday? What do you consider excessive?
2. Evie’s previous boyfriend, Jack, says he doesn’t believe in marriage, yet she pursues a relationship with him and continues to pine after him long after they break up. Why do we always want what we can’t have?
3. Have you ever been tempted to quit the Internet, or at least quit social media? Evie says she knows that what she sees online is not reality, yet it still upsets her. Do you have similar negative reactions to social media?
4. Evie yearns for Bette’s approval in her life. Do you think she shares Bette’s traditional worldview more than she’d like to admit? Does this shape the choices she makes?
5. Before going on dates with men, Evie uses Google to her advantage. Do you think she should have regrets about her former dating habits, or is it a safe rule of thumb to know your date? Do you believe Evie and Edward would have gotten together if she had, in fact, Googled him?
6. What are the top three dating tips that you would share with Evie from your own personal experience?
7. Evie struggles with being the only single one in her group of close friends. Do you think she handles it well? Do you think it’s possible for friends to be close when their situations in life are so different?
8. There is a recurring theme of jealousy and self-absorption throughout the novel. Are there any times that you may have let jealousy, especially fueled by social stalking, get the better of you? Discuss the ways Evie may or may not have evolved by the end of the book.
9. Fran is the ultimate mother—supportive, loving, and not judgmental. Yet Evie seems closer to Bette. Why do you think that is?
10. In marrying Edward, Evie will become a stepmother to Olivia. Do you think she is ready for that role?
11. What do you think about the Steve Jobs quote at the beginning of the novel? Is technology really “nothing”?
12. Do you think Evie was particularly addicted to technology, or is that the way most people are “wired” these days?
13. Aunt Susan tells Evie that life is better with complication, and Evie dismisses the comment. Do you agree more with Susan or with Evie?
14. Do you believe Evie could have had a happily ever after with either Jack or Edward? Or is there only one right person for her?
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