Love and Truth (30 page)

”How can you know that I don't already feel that way? It doesn't seem fair that you just get to say how I feel and when. I think I know when I'm ready or not for sex.”

He stood and started pacing, running his hands through his hair. He turned and walked into the living room. His back muscles clenched in frustration as he walked away. I got up and threw on my T-shirt to follow him. I approached him and he recoiled.

“Nicole, can't you see that I'm doing this for us? For the first time in my life I'm trying to do things right with a girl. Have you ever considered that maybe I don't want to take your virginity just because you don't want to wait anymore? I don't want to screw you Nicole. It can't just be sex with us. I want your love before we're together in the closest way two people can be. That's something I've never waited for; I've always let my hormones direct my impulses. I'm not going to fucking do that with you.”

I had no idea how to respond to that. Was he really telling me that I had to say the L-word for him to have sex with me?

“Jonathan, it's not just physical for me either. Can’t you understand that? I've let all of my walls down for you. I care about you deeply and I thought we agreed to not put labels on our feelings, but that's exactly what you're asking for. You’re putting expectations into a word that's just a damn label. It feels right that you be my first, and I want you to be my first. And it feels right tonight, here in this bed. Why isn't that good enough for you?”

I walked past him totally irritated and exhausted. I wished I hadn’t told him. ”Look, I'm going back to bed. I'm tired of arguing over my virtue like it’s a prized commodity.”

I felt a sudden grip on my arm that was much tighter than I was comfortable with.

“You're being impossible about this. Why the hell can't you see that I am treating the woman I love with decency and respect?”

I shrunk away from him, feeling the coldness of the wall against my back. He grabbed my hands and forced them above my head. He looked furious and it scared me.

“Jonathan I’m sor–”

My words were cut off by his mouth crashing down on mine. I attempted to turn my head to the side but he countered by pinning my wrists together with one hand, and using his free hand to wrench my face toward his. I could feel his heart thumping against my chest as the heat of his body pressed into me. My heart raced from fear and the aggressive look in his eyes. I tried pulling my hands free and failed. I writhed against him and felt tears welling up behind my eyelids. This was so wrong and it was entirely my fault for being so stubborn. I turned my head to break the connection between our lips.

“Jonathan, you’re hurting me. Please stop.” Our foreheads were touching and I gasped for air as my body trembled with panic. He narrowed his eyes.

“Why are you scared? You said you want to be treated like a woman. So let me push you up against this wall and let’s do it. Let me reach down like this…” I shuddered and felt his hand charge down the side of my body, reaching the crotch of my panties. He grabbed the silky, thin material and pulled. My legs tensed and my panties broke away from my body. My fear found its voice again, pushing the desire back.

“No, Jonathan. This is wrong. Not like this.”

I began to sob. My body shook uncontrollably and I relaxed into the wall. He was breathing hard and I avoided his glare. I felt him loosen his grip on me and drop my wrists. I expected him to console me, but he didn’t. I turned to look at him and found him standing with his shoulders fallen, staring at the floor with a vacant look on his face. His voice was absent of emotion when he spoke.

“You’re right. This is wrong.” He turned and walked away. I heard the sliding glass doors open. I wiped my eyes and shook my head. I wondered what I had done, and if I had ruined the best thing that could ever happen to me. This was all wrong. This is not the Jonathan that I knew and loved being with. Tears streamed down my face and I forced myself to swallow my pride. I needed to fix this. I knew I had to try.

I slid the doors open and saw his shadow slumped over in the sand, looking out into the dark crashing waves. I stepped onto the cold deck, with no concern for the fact that I had no panties on. His T-shirt fell to my thighs. The light breeze blew in from the water to cool my heated skin. I shuffled across the sand and it grew soft as I approached him, until it felt like quicksand. He couldn’t hear me approach from the hypnotic sound of the crashing waves. I had never seen him this angry or despondent before, so I knew to tread lightly. I took one last step and tucked the T-shirt under myself as I sat down beside him.

“I’m sorry,” I said. He dropped his head quietly, defeated.

“I don’t think this is going to work, Nicole.” I was shocked. It crushed me to hear him say that. I wanted to wrap my body around his and beg him to take it back. I started crying uncontrollably.

He never looked in my direction or reached over to console me. He sat without emotion next to me and let me cry.

“I promised you that I’d never hurt you again and that’s exactly what I just did.” He pushed himself up from the sand and brushed his hands off. “I’m going to sleep on the futon until morning,” he mumbled. “Then I’ll drive you to school.” He turned on his heels and walked back to the house. The tears continued to pour from my burning eyes.

This was impossible. If love was just a label how could it hurt so badly? This was a tragic mess and it was all for nothing. I needed to know how he could be so desperate for me, work so hard to get me, and walk away so easily.

I rose and sprinted toward the house cursing the sand for slowing me down.

“Jonathan, don’t do this. I’m fine. We had a fight is all.”

I made it to him just before he entered the house. I reached out to grasp his shoulder.

“Aren’t you the one that said we’re only human and we’ll have difficulties along the way? Didn’t you say that it’s how you handle them that matters? So let’s handle this. Dammit, Jonathan, turn around and look at me.”

He tensed and turned around, his jaw clenched and his face lined with defeat.

“Don’t you see? That’s just it. I handled this by putting my hands on you, defiling you, ripping off your panties like some crazed animal. I handled our argument with rage and I disrespected you in the worst way possible. That’s unforgiveable. My feelings for you are too intense. I refuse to let myself ever hurt you again because I love you. If love like this causes me to be out of my mind then I will deny myself. I’ll let you go, no matter how fucking much it hurts.”

My thoughts spiraled out of control. He was serious and I felt him fading from my world in waves of agonizing grief. He just said he loved me. He was
in love
with me. It hurt so badly that I could barely breathe. This is what I was trying to prevent all these years; this crushing, unbearable pain reeling through my heart. I hated myself more than the anger I felt for him.

“Fuck you, Jonathan Hayes. Fuck you and your self-righteous pity. This is bullshit and you know it. Guess what? I. Fucking. Hate. Your. Guts!”

I screamed and poked him in the chest with every word. He flinched and his brows creased. The color drained from his face and I couldn’t stop. “But please, allow me to thank you for not screwing me because you were right when you said you weren’t worthy of it. Now get out of my way so I can go get dressed. I’m calling a cab and I’m leaving.”

He glared at me like I was insane, and I flew more enraged.

“My pain isn’t from you pushing me up against that wall. It’s from you giving up on us, just like my parents gave up on each other. You proved all my worst fears about relationships to be true!”

All of the light in his eyes fell away. I pushed him, his chest feeling like impenetrable steel.

“I fell for you. I fell in love with you, dammit, I let all of my defenses down.” I stormed past him and ran to the bedroom. I flipped the lights on and grabbed my things. I reached for my phone and scrolled through my contacts, tapping the name of the cab company when I found it. I asked for a cab as soon as possible and hung up. I suddenly felt Jonathan’s presence fill the room but ignored it, pulling his shirt off me. I stood naked before him again. I could feel his eyes boring a hole through me from behind. I was too angry to care.

“Nicole,” he whispered. I froze, my body going rigid at the sound of despair in his voice. ”You…
love
me?”

I wasn’t doing this with him. He already ripped my heart out. The
ice queen
was back and my walls were erect where they belonged. I turned to face him naked and enraged.

“Yes, I fell in love you, head over heels, deep diving; my cup runneth over love with you. But that doesn’t matter anymore.”

He thudded to the floor, landing on his knees and dropping his head into his hands. I turned away from him. I couldn’t bear to see him look so broken, and I couldn’t feel sympathy for him. I put on my yoga pants and my cami. I pulled on my shrug and tied it, praying that the cab would get here quickly. I threw my bag over my shoulder and turned around. He was still on his knees and I realized he was crying. Silent tears rolled down his beautiful face as he looked at the floor. My chest constricted and I felt a spasm of compassion before I walked past him and out the door.

Chapter Twenty-One

My phone kept vibrating repeatedly. I saw that it was Jonathan and I wasn’t going to answer it.
Too little too late...
I couldn’t believe what a fool I was. I tried to give myself to him, body and soul, only to be rejected. I knew now that he was a hypocrite, telling me how we should work through hard times, but bolting the second things got difficult.

Tears streamed down my face in the back of the cab. I cursed them, because I knew who they were for. I missed him already, even though I hated to admit it. I leaned back against the seat of the taxi and closed my eyes.

The cold of the wall against my back, his hand running down my body…

My mind flashed back, seeing and feeling him all over again. It was his anger that really hurt.

My phone vibrated again and I shut it off. I looked out the window through the blur of tears as the lights flashed by. We finally arrived at the Nakamura’s house. It was well after 3 am and I hated to go in so late. Instead I went out to the garden and sat on the bench. I leaned back and looked up at the moon. Why do I feel so empty? I’d heard people talk about having a broken heart, but I never could’ve imagined this kind of pain. It was indescribable. I closed my eyes, allowing the memories to flood my mind. I just wanted to rewind to dessert for dinner.

I leaned forward and let it all out. I cried for him, for me, and for us. Nothing helped. The pain never ebbed; it just re-circulated and flowed through me again.

I don’t know how long I sat on the bench in the garden before I fell asleep. I felt a hand on my shoulder and opened my eyes. I squinted under the faint early morning light.

“Nicole, we’ve been calling and calling you for the last hour and a half!” Emiko said.

I sat up and she came into focus. She looked panicked.