Love Is the Higher Law (8 page)

We wait on line for security—something we’re no doubt going to have to get used to—and then push into the crowded lobby. If you listen only to the noise, not the conversations, it’s like nothing’s happened. But when you get close enough to see the faces and hear the words, you’re back in the post-9/11 world. It’s only been a few weeks, but we know we’re in a post-9/11 world. This isn’t one of those changes when you wake up and wonder when it happened. We all know where the line was drawn.

It isn’t until we get to our seats in the balcony that it becomes apparent that this sold-out show is not going to be a full one—there are hundreds of empty seats scattered around. People who no doubt didn’t want to come into Manhattan. Or people who are afraid to be at Radio City, however improbable the threat.

We’re a nervous, somber crowd. Then the lights go down,
and our concert instinct kicks in. Because there’s still the undeniable thrill of the silence before the opening chords, anticipation turning into intensity, awaiting release. I am feeling an energy I don’t fully understand, something that’s been missing these past days and weeks.

The band comes on and launches right into “Sing,” and we all rise to our feet and start singing along. John looks at me, and I look at him, and even though we both have awful voices, we shout our parts. And then there’s “Writing to Reach You,” and Fran Healy is singing, “My inside is outside / My right side’s on the left side,” and it’s my favorite song of theirs and there is something so pure about a favorite song, and while it’s always been a song about loving someone and will later be a song about loving someone, right now it’s a song about confusion, and I am relating, because yesterday I used the word “tomorrow” when I meant to say “yesterday,” and it made sense that I could feel that turned around. The whole crowd is relating, and it only escalates when the song ends and Fran shouts out, “Hello, New York!”

Three simple words, and there are tears in my eyes. He asks for the houselights to be turned on so he can see our faces, and even though he’s way too far away to see mine and I’m way too far away to see his, it’s still like I’m included. He says the band had discussed canceling the show, because they weren’t sure anyone would come out for it. But they didn’t cancel it, and they’re here, and we’re here, and we’re all cheering, and then he says the thing that does me in, which is that there are six thousand of us here tonight, and I look around the room from the balcony and
see all of the people here, and that number is just too painful, because right now, that’s the number of people they’re saying died in the World Trade Center—six thousand—and it’s like suddenly Radio City Music Hall has been turned into a way station for ghosts, because I’m imagining all the people who died sitting in our rows, from the front row of the orchestra to the last row of the third balcony, and because of the gold-plated walls and the glowing lights and the red velvet chairs, it’s both indescribably depressing and inexplicably magisterial. So many people. And after that flash of the dead, suddenly the crowd is the crowd again, and it’s not the six thousand people who died, but six thousand other people, randomly joined by an affinity for this Britpop band, and I understand the energy I felt before but didn’t have a name for—it’s the energy of
gathering
, and the reason it’s so striking is that none of us have gathered like this since 9/11, none of us have been a part of a crowd, none of us have acted out in unison in this way. We six thousand are cheering together. Standing together. The next song starts, and we’re singing together. We all understand that this is just music. We all understand that these songs were written Before—there is no way the band could have known how we would hear them After. But the songs ring true. When Fran gets to “Side,” he talks about how the globe is a sphere and has no sides. Introducing it, he says, “We all wake up in the morning, we all take a shit. It’s just a few dickheads who fuck things up for the rest of us.” And we’re all clapping and yelling because in all the coverage we’ve been watching, nobody has said it so simply, and then backed it
up with a song. When they get to “Why Does It Always Rain on Me?” we’re laughing, because the woe-is-me lyrics have always been undercut by the jauntiness of the tune, and now we’re realizing that the lyrics themselves have become more innocent. We’re not afraid of rain anymore.

In the best concerts, the band is as moved as the audience, and this is the case tonight. We all realize that this gathering is about much more than the music, and what we’re getting from it is much more than sounds. “I want to live in a world where I belong,” Fran Healy sings in “Turn.” Then, later on, “I want to live in a world where I’ll be strong.” Before when I listened to this, I would think about being gay, or about needing to be there for my friends, or even about more general things like being the main character in my own life. But now I realize it’s even more general than that—it’s about life itself. Fran promises it won’t be very long, and we sing with him. Because we want to believe it. We want to believe the world will turn. We want to believe we’ll survive.

The band plays and plays. The guitarist wears a John Lennon New York City T-shirt and belts out Bowie’s “All the Young Dudes.” Then Fran announces that the band is giving all the proceeds from the night’s concert to the firefighters’ fund, and we all go crazy. John is actually standing on his chair, screaming his cheers. We’re all one voice now, this living gathering of six thousand. We are cheering, and we are speechless. We are happy, and we are crying. We are vulnerable, and we are strong. The band launches into a cover of “Happy,” singing “I’m
so happy / ’Cause you’re so happy.” We are jumping and dancing and cheering so much we can’t see the empty seats. We can’t hear the silences. We’ve become a part of the music. Not only the music that’s being played. But the music of living.

I need that.

GROUND ZERO
Jasper

When my parents finally made it home, twelve days after 9/11, my mother grabbed hold of me and wouldn’t let go. After all the nights of thinking they were going to come through the door without warning, I ended up meeting them at the airport. I stood in the sea of sons and daughters, craned my neck over the fathers and mothers, witnessed the procession of jet-weary travelers wheeling their carts from baggage claim. For once, the car-service drivers with their wipe-off name cards were in the minority. Family was here to see family return.

I had forgotten how small my mother was. Somehow, over the phone lines, I started seeing her again like I had when I was a kid. Had you asked me if I could fit in her lap, I would have said yes, of course. But now her head fell under my chin as she hugged me and hugged me and hugged me. Then she let go, and my father offered his hand. There was something misty in his expression, and even if he couldn’t bring himself to embrace me in public, I was sure that he was glad that my mother had.

I wanted to pause us there, that faint triangle of bodies at
the foot of an escalator. Because I knew it was inevitable that once we left that spot, one of us would say something stupid, and we would be annoyed with each other all over again.

They’d flown into Newark, so we had a long cab ride ahead of us. My mother asked me how the city was doing, as if it were a dying relative, and I asked how my grandmother was doing, and found out she wasn’t going to die quite as soon as we thought. There wasn’t much for me to tell them that I hadn’t said in my mother’s daily phone calls—there weren’t many lengths of the censored version left to explore. I didn’t tell them how, knowing that they were coming home the next day, I’d gone with two school friends to Splash the previous night, which ended up being a bad, bad idea. Splash was a tacky tourist gay-gay go-go bar on the best of nights, but on this particular night it was particularly gruesome. Some guys were sputtering around in a somber daze, like they’d just found out that porn wasn’t the cure for cancer. I wanted to slap them for bringing us all down. But then there were the other guys, the ones whose heads were full of helium, who were prancing and dancing and romancing like this was the Best Week Ever, and they were having the Best Time Ever, and I wanted to slap them even more, because it didn’t seem to be human to be having such fun. One of the guys hit on me—swooped right in, high on the drug of his choice, and he was like, “Hey, what’s your name?” When I wasn’t forthcoming with that particular piece of information, he followed up with the immortal “I love Asian men.” And I was all, “What the fuck is your problem?”
and he came back with, “Hey, man, I was just trying to have a good time.” I hated him at that moment—deeply—and part of that hate was raw envy. I wanted to be that oblivious. And sure, I drank enough that you would’ve thought I’d have gotten there, but the thing was, I never really drank to make myself happy. I only drank to match my sadness.

None of this was a story I wanted to tell my parents. So I let them give me the update on all of my Korean relatives. The narrative only stopped when we rounded a curve on the Pulaski Skyway and the Manhattan skyline suddenly came into view. My father saw it first, and without a word, he started to cry. A few one-at-a-time tears down his cheeks, quickly blotted away. My mother gasped, held her hand over her mouth. The smoke was gone. The fires were out. So what they were reacting to was the absence, the space. Because no matter how many times you saw it on TV, it was much more real when you looked out the window and saw it, just like you’d looked out the window so many times before and saw them there.

“Oh,” my mother said. “Oh.”

She held my father’s hand, squeezed it, and he squeezed back.

I wanted to ask the cabdriver if this happened every time he hit this spot. If he was used to it now. If you ever got used to it.

It wasn’t until my mother had let go of my father’s hand that she reached for mine. As if she knew the three of us holding hands would be too much. As if we’d never be able to look each other in the eye after that.

I had seen the Twin Towers my whole life. But my parents had come here just before they were built. They had seen them rise. I wondered if that made a difference.

We went through the Holland Tunnel, then cut across on Canal Street to get to the Manhattan Bridge. Canal Street seemed to have returned to normal, with all the bargain stores selling knockoff purses and one-dollar batteries. I think this was the second shock to my parents—that things could have already resumed. They expected everything to have been altered. I didn’t know how to explain to them that even if the stores were open and people were back on the street, something had shifted. We saw each other differently. I looked out of the cab window now at these strangers in a different way than I had looked out of the cab window at strangers before. I saw the gay boys at Splash a little differently. I saw the people on the subway ride home differently. Maybe it was just me who had changed, but I didn’t think it was that. I thought it was everyone.

“I wish we had been here,” my mother said, her voice reduced to a whisper.

I looked to my father, to see if he would nod, if he would agree. But he just stared out the window as we crossed the bridge, silently looking downtown, the latest in a long line of mourners.

The house was spotless. Like a Martha Stewart–sponsored archaeologist, I had managed to excavate the rooms, restoring
them to what they once had been, before I’d laid my layers of insomniac sediment on top of them. Even my own room was clean, the bed made, the papers I had gathered on 9/11 safely collected under a paperweight on my desk. It had to look like their home when they came back, not my home.

I only had two more days before I would be going back to school. The next morning, my father left for work before I got up. Because of everything that had happened, I strangely imagined him putting off the office for my last day home, even though I had no idea what we would have actually done with that time. Would he have gone school shopping with me and my mother? Would he have taken us out to lunch? Asked us if we wanted to see a movie? It was hard to picture, and even harder to picture wanting, but I still resented his cereal bowl, waiting in the sink for my mother to clean it. I resented that it probably hadn’t occurred to him to stay.

My mother and I retraced last year’s pre-college shopping, even though I already had most of what I needed. Shopping had always been something we could do together, much easier than sitting across a table and talking. Every aisle we walked down, there seemed to be at least three different things she said she could buy me. I wanted to tell her that there was no need to pay me off for leaving me alone on 9/11, no need to buy me things so I’d remember her when I was away.
I love you more than that
, I wanted to say, but there was no way to say it, because that wasn’t the kind of thing my family said. It was all understood—or maybe it wasn’t understood at all. There was no way to know.

All it took was three hours of shopping—of her insisting I get new sheets, of her asking if I wanted to get a haircut, of her telling me I needed to get “some good shirts” (the implication being that I had plenty of “bad shirts”)—for me to be thoroughly exasperated. But the perverse thing was: I loved it. Because I realized that this had been one of the things I’d missed—this everyday feeling of having a family.

At lunch, my mother caught me looking at her.

“What?” she asked, touching her hair as if I was about to tell her it was out of place.

“I’m just glad you’re back,” I said.

She started to tear up.

“Aw, Mom,” I said.

She wiped her eyes with a tissue.

“I’m glad I’m back, too,” she said. “I just wish you were here longer.”

I honestly couldn’t imagine being around much longer. My college was notoriously one of the last to go back, so most of the people I knew had already gone back, once the roads and flyways were deemed safe again. Even the stores were acting like I was running late, displacing the back-to-school items for Halloween displays. (My mother had, in fact, asked if I wanted to get my costume now.)