Love & Loss (41 page)

I woke up with a start to hear my name being whispered and sighed happily to feel Gabe’s hip against my bottom.

‘You ok?’ I asked as I slowly opened my eyes and blinked against the twinkly star sky flashing above us. As my eyes grew accustomed to them, I took in a sharp shocked intake of breath as I saw the shadow of a figure standing at the side of the bed.

‘It’s me,’ came Lexi’s voice.

‘Lex? What the hell’s going on?’

‘Can I come and sleep with you?’ she sniffed.

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked and she burst into tears. ‘O Lex. Give me a second I’m kind of naked here,’ I whispered, trying not to wake up Gabe. She thrust something at me and I carefully sat up and realised she’d brought me a t-shirt to wear. I pulled it on and wriggled it down. ‘Do you want to go in the lounge and talk?’

‘No. I just want to curl up with you. Please, no talking.’

‘Ok,’ I nodded and pulled the corner of the duvet back. ‘Come on, there’s loads of room.’ She climbed in and turned her back to me and tucked herself into a foetal position as she sobbed. I shuffled up behind her, tucking my knees behind hers and put an arm around her and she found my hand with hers and held it tightly. I kissed the back of her head and crooked my arm above me, so I could play with her hair. I just knew she’d broken up with Doug, without her even telling me and I felt her pain with her. ‘
Sssshhhh.
You’re going to be ok Lex, you’ve got me, you’ll always have me ok? I love you.’

‘I know.’ she sobbed even harder, squeezed my hand even tighter and I kept playing with her hair until her tears slowed and I felt her hand go limp in mine.

‘O Lex,’ I whispered as my eyes filled up for her. ‘What am I going to do with you?’

I opened my eyes when I felt Gabe softly kiss the back of my neck.

‘Was I so drunk that we had a threesome last night without me even realising?’ he whispered. I twisted my head to give him a smile and a proper kiss.

‘Sorry, I think she’s broken up with Doug, she was really upset and wanted to sleep with me.’

‘O crap, he’ll be gutted. So much for my plan of fucking you all day. I’m kind of naked and hard here, how do I get out?’

‘Sneak out the bedroom door and go around via the bathroom. Would you mind checking on Doug? I’m not sure if he’ll have stayed next door, but I think if she has ended it he’ll have taken it hard and I’m worried about him.’

‘Did I ever tell you that you’re the sweetest person I know?’

‘They’re both my friends Gabe and I really didn’t want this to happen. Sorry about your plans.’

‘That’s ok, we can do it anytime, Lexi obviously needs you. I’ll bring you some water and make you both some coffee and a bacon sausage and egg sandwich each and go and try to find him.’

‘You’re sweet too you know, I love you,’ I smiled and kissed him again before he quietly got up and snuck out of the door. I let out a breath, hoping he’d forgotten all about our disagreement over Samgate last night. He returned about twenty minutes later all freshly showered, barefoot in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt and put two glasses of water on the side.

‘I’ll just go and do your breakfast. Doug was asleep on our sofa, so keep Lexi in here. I’m going to tidy up next door with him while we talk and then I’ll take him out.’

‘How is he?’

‘Not good,’ he sighed and I winced. ‘You know more than you’re letting on don’t you?’

‘Would you betray Doug’s confidence?’

‘No.’

‘Then please don’t ask me to do the same with Lexi’s. It’s complicated, but I really feel for him, I know how he felt about her and if it’s any consolation I truly believe she feels the same, but she’s too scared to commit. She needs time.’

‘She expects him to just wait for her to sort herself out?’ he frowned.

‘No I don’t think so, and she knows she’s risking losing him forever, but right now she’s making the choice that feels right for her and we need to respect it ok?’ I asked with a stern look. He sighed and nodded as I felt Lexi stir under my arm.

‘I’ll go do your sandwiches ok?’

‘Thank you,’ I smiled and turned my attention back to Lexi. She let out a moan and smacked her lips, a sure sign she was waking up and feeling dehydrated. ‘Lex, Lexi, wake up, you need to drink some water.’

‘Mia?’ she groaned.

‘Hi. You’re in my bed, you came in last night upset. Come on, try and sit up, you were crying for ages and with all the alcohol you drank you need to drink some water for me ok?’ I let go of her and sat up and groaned, clutching my head. I’d been quite reserved with the alcohol last night, but I still had a mild hangover. Lex struggled up and hissed as she put a hand to her forehead and looked around at me.

‘How do I look?’

‘Crap. I need to dig out that eye mask for you. How are you doing? I’ve never known you to cry like that.’

‘I’ve felt better, physically
and
emotionally.’

‘Are you up to talking about it?’

‘Yes,’ she nodded and clutched her head again. ‘I need to.’

‘Ok, well Gabe is making us a bacon, sausage and egg sandwich and a coffee, then he’s leaving us alone so we can chat as long as you want ok?’

‘I don’t want to kick him out of his own house Mia.’

‘He offered. Doug’s next door with him, they’re going to go out so we can talk in peace.’

‘O God,’ she sighed. ‘Have you seen him?’

‘No, but Gabe says he’s pretty upset. What happened?’

‘Can we do water, coffee and food first?’ she pleaded.

‘Sure,’ I nodded. ‘I’ll just pull on some jeans and see how bad it’s looking out there after last night. Stay in bed ok?’ I stroked her forehead and she closed her eyes and nodded. I padded to the dressing room and pulled on some clothes and headed out to the kitchen. There were empty cups and bottles everywhere, but luckily nothing looked broken or damaged. I could see the back of Doug’s head, he was slumped in the armchair watching TV.

‘Hey, I thought you were staying in bed, I’ll only be a few minutes,’ smiled Gabe as he stood at the grill.

‘I know, I just wanted to check how he was doing,’ I replied with a nod in Doug’s direction and headed over. I rubbed the top of his head and felt my heart break as he looked up at me sadly.

‘Hey Mia.’

‘Hey.’ I bent down and kissed his cheek then walked around and sat on the foot stool in front of him and took his hands. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Thanks,’ he nodded with a quick smile. ‘I knew things weren’t right with us, she was so reluctant to get close to me, but I really hoped that we’d get there. She’s so cool you know? I fell for her, really hard.’

‘I get that,’ I nodded.

‘It’s just even harder after last night.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘She hasn’t told you?’

‘She was crying last night so I just let her get it out and go to sleep. She’s only just woken up so we haven’t talked yet. I wanted to see how you were. Why’s it even harder? What do you mean?’

‘We had amazing sex.’

‘You did?’ I asked as I looked at him strangely.

‘I know alright.’

‘Know what?’

‘That she’s been holding back and faking it during sex, I’ve always known.’

‘
Doug
,’ I sighed, as I looked up at him lost for words. I liked him even more now, he knew all this time and he still wanted her.

‘She’s scared, I get that, but I could be so good for her Mia.’

‘I know that Doug and I really hoped that in time she’d let you in properly.’

‘That’s what makes it even harder Mia, she did. Last night she did let me in. She didn’t fake it and it was amazing and I know she felt it, the look on her face made me feel all warm inside and then she completely freaked out and broke up with me.’

‘O Doug,’ I groaned as I squeezed his hands. ‘You didn’t deserve this, I’m so sorry.’

‘Change her mind for me Mia, please. If anyone can do it you can.’

‘Doug you know Lexi,
no one
can make her do anything she doesn’t want to do and wouldn’t you rather she make up her own mind and come back to you when she’s ready?’

‘But when will that be Mia?’

‘I don’t know, she has a bad history with guys.’

‘But I’ve never treated her badly,’ he protested.

‘I know that, she knows that, never doubt that it’s anything you did wrong Doug because it’s not. It’s because you did everything right and that’s terrifying to her, she was so close to her Dad and he walked out. You’re her first relationship and she doesn’t trust that you’re going to stick around, so she’s doing what she does best and running, putting up walls to protect herself. I know you’re really hurting right now, but if you can try and look at it that you got to her in a way no other guy has, you’ll realise just how much you mean to her.’

‘So what do I do? Pursue her? Stay away?’

‘I can’t answer that Doug. I’ll try and convince her to talk to you about what she needs, but I don’t think trying to get her to change her mind will work. She’s even more stubborn than me,’ I smiled and that got a smile out of him. ‘I really think that given enough time to process her feelings and deal with her fears she’ll realise that she actually loves you too and that you’re perfect for her. It’s up to you if you’re prepared to wait for her to get there, but I think it could be a long time.’

‘Mia, breakfast’s nearly ready,’ called Gabe.

‘Ok one minute.’

‘But you really think I could be the guy for her?’ His face looked all hopeful.

‘I know it Doug and I may be best friends with her, but I love you too, so you can always come and talk to me no matter what ok?’

‘Ok,’ he nodded and wiped a tear away from his face. ‘Gabe and Lexi are really lucky to have you Mia.’

‘I’m lucky to have them too Doug, and you. Come on, go and eat something with Gabe. He’s going to take you out for the day.’

‘We have the clear up to do,’ he sighed as he looked around the room.

‘Tell you what, you two bag up all the left-over food, cups, plates and bottles from here and next door and take them down to the bins and I’ll do the cleaning ok?’

‘Deal. Cleaning and me, not good friends,’ he laughed with a shake of his head. I smiled, stood up and gave him my hand and led him to sit at the breakfast bar. ‘How’s she doing?’ he asked quietly, with a nod to the bedroom door as Gabe pushed a tray with our coffees and sandwiches over.

‘I’ve never seen her so upset.’

‘Tell her I’m sorry.’

‘O Doug, you’re so sweet. Only you could apologise for someone breaking up with you.’ I kissed his cheek as I rubbed his back.

‘Do I need to be getting jealous?’ asked Gabe as he leaned back on the island. ‘You two seem to be getting really close lately.’ I wanted to run over and hug him tightly and tell him that this was never going to be us, but it felt inappropriate.

‘No,’ I smiled with a shake of my head. ‘Have a good day together, I’ll see you later.’

‘I don’t get a kiss?’ he frowned. I signalled at Doug with my eyes.

‘Don’t mind me guys, I’m used to seeing you all over each other, I don’t want to make things awkward for you both.’

I flicked my head to the utility and Gabe followed me in.

‘Promise me that will never be us?’ I whispered as I clung to his strong arms.

‘Over my dead body baby. I told you you’re mine forever, no running from our feelings like Lexi’s doing, we’re going to make sure we deal with everything ok? Nothing’s going to come between us.’

‘Ok,’ I nodded. ‘I’d better go and check on her, plus that sandwich is smelling really good. I hope you get on ok with him.’

‘And you with her. I love you so much Mia.’ He ran his thumb over my bottom lip and I kissed it before reaching up and kissing him gently.

‘I love you too. See you when you get home.’

‘Home,’ he grinned, childishly.

‘
Home
,’ I grinned back. He smacked my bottom as I went to get the tray and held the bedroom door open for me to head in before closing it behind me.

‘Thank God, I thought you’d left and I’m starving.’

‘No, just checking how things were out there. Here’s your coffee and sandwich.’ I handed them over and hopped into Gabe’s side of the bed with mine.

‘How are things out there?’

‘Nothing broken or missing by the looks, but it’s a mess.’

‘That wasn’t what I meant.’

‘He’s hurting, like you. Eat first, talk after ok?’ I gave her a reassuring smile and she nodded with a sigh. I groaned happily as I sat back and clutched my stomach. I felt so much better for eating, soaking up some of that alcohol. ‘So what gives with Milo last night, he was really upset, upset and rather pissed.’

‘No way, first that’s not a conversation I want to have with Gabe in the building, let alone with a single door separating us. Second, your crisis is more important, so talk.’

‘You’ve spoken to Doug?’

‘Yes.’

‘What did he tell you?’

‘That doesn’t matter right now Lex, I want to hear your side of it.’

‘I’d had too much to drink, he’d had too much to drink and when everyone filtered off we were sitting in the lounge bantering as normal and he just grabbed me and kissed me so hard, before I knew it we were ripping each other’s clothes off and going at it on the floor. I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been drunk, I didn’t want to be the girl that slept with him again after cheating on him.’

‘I know that,’ I nodded. ‘So how was it?’

‘Bloody amazing,’ she sighed and covered her face. ‘You were right, I’ve been holding back and I guess I … I just figured it’s our last time why not let go and let myself enjoy it.’

‘You really came this time?’

‘More than once Mia.’ She dropped her hands and looked at me all confused. ‘As I lay there with him in front of the fire, he was looking in my eyes and … and it was like … fuck you’ll think I’m so girly and stupid.’

‘Like you were looking into his soul and he was yours and you both liked what you saw?’ I whispered and she nodded and started crying again. I pulled her down into my lap and stroked her hair. ‘You’re in love him Lexi.’

‘Well I don’t want to be Mia, love complicates things.’

‘It does, but it also makes things beautiful too.’

‘I’m not ready for love and seriousness.’

‘When is anyone ready Lex? Why do you think you aren’t?’

‘I’ve never done it before.’

‘Neither had I and I’m doing ok.’

‘Yeah but you’re tough.’

‘Me?’ I laughed. ‘If anyone in this room is tough it’s you. You’ve been abandoned by the two most important people in your life Lex.’

‘They’re not the most important people in my life, you and Mr and Mrs P are.’

‘We are now, but we shouldn’t have been. What your parents have put you through is inexcusable and you’re still standing. You don’t put up with crap from anyone, that’s how strong you are.’

‘Because I have you, I always know that I have you if I need someone.’

‘You could always have Doug, if you’d let him love you.’

‘No,’ she shook her head. ‘Relationships can fail, our friendship never will.’

‘You didn’t know that when you let me get close to you, you took a risk then. What made me different to Doug?’

‘Time and proximity, plus as a girl you weren’t likely to break my heart.’

‘Ok so let me get this clear. You’ve realised that you love Doug?’

‘Yes,’ she said quietly.

‘You now know that you can have amazing sex with him?’

‘Yes,’ she nodded.

‘You get on great, he makes you laugh and he’s your best friend?’

‘Yes, yes and assistant best friend. No one will ever top you,’ she looked up at me with watery eyes. I smiled down at her and kissed my fingers and put them on her lips.

‘So you have everything anybody ever wants in a relationship and you’re walking away?’

‘You make it sound like I’m stupid,’ she muttered.

‘Well sometimes you can be,’ I said gently. ‘You’re going to go back to one night stands for the rest of your life?’