Love Undefeated (Unexpected #5) (8 page)

That earned a quizzical look from Xavier’s green eyes and I tried to change the subject to neutral ground. “I’ll have what you need in two hours, Gregory.” I’d already compiled the EPA’s stance on wind technology and I only needed to add a few more so Gregory would have everything he needed.

“Tomorrow night?” Gregory asked, his tone implying that he wanted more than the reports he’d requested. He’d been asking me out for two months now. The first time was after I’d completed a project with him.

Xavier’s hand clamped on my thigh, refusing to let me move. Since my skirt was halfway down after he’d finished me off with his tongue, I felt his rough hold, and if I had sensitive skin, they’d be making marks right now.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” I was trying my best to hold off the growing anticipation in my voice as Xavier’s hands sneaked toward my butt. As much as he loved my breasts, he also spent a lot of time getting to know my butt with his touch.

“Why? Are you off the market now?” Gregory intoned. I could hear him tapping on his keyboard. Even in meetings, Gregory was always typing; his hands always had to be in motion.

Xavier whispered in my ear, “Are you?” His voice held an uneasy edge.

Rolling my eyes, I firmly said, “Gregory, thank you for the invite, but I’m not looking for anything right now.” Peering at Xavier’s disheveled state, the off white dress shirt he wore under his suit was all wrinkled, his tie was twisted to the side, and he’d lost a button or two because I couldn’t control myself from wanting his skin against mine and as soon as he started thrusting inside of me, everything else was forgotten. Sex had never been one of our problems. We’d burned the sheets and incinerated every surface of his house with how passionate we were for each other. Hoping to get Gregory off my back and have Xavier keep his cool, I added, “Ask Jasmine from the Tech Department, I heard she likes engineers.”

Jasmine was a sweet lady who sat in on two of our meetings and twice I’d caught her eyeing Gregory like a kabob on a stick. I’m pretty sure she’d welcome his advances, and since the firm really had no rules about fraternizing with employees unless they were your direct supervisor, I didn’t foresee any problems with my obvious attempt at matchmaking.

“Are you pawning me off to someone else?” Gregory laughed on the line.

Touching my hand to Xavier’s right arm which was now draped across my chest, I sighed, “I am.”

“Message received. See you at 2:30.” There was a low chuckle and a goodbye before Xavier and I were alone again in my tiny office. Xavier’s office was ten times bigger than mine and he’d been hinting that he wanted his naughty sex-setary back. I’d played that role for him one too many times. While I’d love to reprise the role, I wasn’t ready to face his real secretary who’s been a witness to the many office ambushes and slaps I’d given Xavier. Maybe one of these days I’d surprise him, but I’d be wearing my camouflage outfit to hide my face from her.

Xavier continued to hold me up against his half-naked torso and I wanted to stay in his embrace for the longest time. I never thought we’d be in this position after all that we’d been through.

I was done fighting. But I was also done trying. I didn’t even know where this was going to lead us because as much as I welcomed him back into my arms, I’d distanced myself from all the feelings I had for him. I’d cried many sleepless nights and gone through bouts of anxiety and depression from the loss of him, and her.
Especially her.
I didn’t think I’d ever be able to stand again, and when I left our house, I knew a part of me wouldn’t ever be the same.

So why was I here with him?

Because I was spent, I’d ran out of gas, and I’d completely emptied my tank to keep warding him off. He’d sabotaged every single one of my dates and every single time he showed up, he’d slowly become my source of entertainment. Oh, he grated on my nerves and made me upset at a few of his gimmicks, but I’d started looking forward to his reactions when I stormed into his office the day after those dates with other guys. While I’d have liked to scream in his ears right after those dates, I was too tired to even contemplate what I was going to say to him so I’d gather all my energy, drink my probiotic juice, and stop by his office before going to work or during a long break. Seeing him was both torture and treat. Torture because physically he was the guy I’d stacked the guys I’d dated against. Treat because even in the most unusual and not-recommended-for-kids ways, he always gave me a hug or a kiss or both.

Then Xavier had asked, “What floor does that Gregory guy work on?”

I’d warned him to not even think about it or he’ll be spending two nights without me in his bed, and he’d remained quiet, passive, innocent as a choir boy, and that look wasn’t fooling me so I had to make him swear on his Peter Pan PJ’s that he wasn’t going to do anything about Gregory.

Gregory wasn’t a threat. Never had been, never would be.

My phone beeped with an incoming message, cutting off my daydream, which I’d been caught in a lot lately, bringing me back to the present.

Xavier: Why can’t I go with you?

He’s been asking non-stop since I’d told him about my weekend plans.

Me: Coz it’s for ladies only.

Xavier: I can wear a wig.

Me: Lol. No u can’t.

Xavier: I did once.

Me: Spare me the details.

Xavier: Halloween. Junior year. I was Cher.

Me: LOL

Xavier: John was Madonna.

Me: That’s just wrong.

Xavier: So, can I go with you?

Me: If you bring the guys.

Xavier: Z will be okay with it. He’s attached to Sedona’s leg. John will prolly be okay with it, too.

Me: Don’t blame me if the girls get upset at you.

Xavier: They won’t. So, where are you going?

Hmm, he was trying to fish for information. I bet Zander and John had no clue where we’re going to be at either. My girlfriends specifically asked for girl time so there was no way I was spilling the beans.

Me: Somewhere.

Xavier: Please?

Me: Not getting it from me.

Xavier: Can I still call you?

Me: When we’re not out. You know Sedona wants some alone time with us. It’s been a while since we had a ladies’ only weekend.

Xavier: I’ll call you.

Me: Okay.

Xavier: I’ll miss you.

Me: Okay.

Xavier: Love you Nales.

Me: I’ll text you.

Xavier: Be safe.

Me: Say hi to Zander, John, and Dom for me. Have fun.

Xavier: Say hi to Witchy Witch and Geeky Nurse for me.

He called Tanya Witchy Witch because according to Xavier, Tanya withheld sex from John, one of Xavier’s best friends, when she didn’t get her way, thus earning her the title of a witch. Sedona was Geeky Nurse because she graduated with the highest honors during her Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees and was now on her way to becoming the youngest candidate for a PhD in the newest field of nursing and sports science. To top it all off, she was a mother to two gorgeous kids and wife to the most popular and record-setting quarterback in the country.

I missed my best friends. They were the ones who kept me sane in college, and even if we’re separated by distance, we maintained close contact with each other via text messages, e-mails, and bi-weekly video chats. Lately it was hard to maintain the video chats because of our time differences. Sedona was based primarily in Minnesota, Tanya was now in New York, and by the time we’d get around to the actual video chat time we were all so tired. We’d say hi, hello, love you, and then off to bed we went.

I hadn’t had the chance to tell them that Xavier and I were sort of seeing each other again. When we’d broken up, I’d actually flown to New York to cry on Tanya’s shoulders and all I’d said was that he’d broken my heart. Sedona was on a well-deserved after baby-moon with Zander in Barbados and she had wanted to cut her vacation short, but I’d told her I was fine. Both of them were really upset at Xavier and they’d assumed he cheated on me. They never knew the real story. My best friends - my kindred sisters - didn’t know what had happened between Xavier and I. I’d borne this secret, harbored the pain for so long, masked my own fears that I didn’t know where to start.

In order for them to understand why I left Xavier and why he’s back in my life, I’d have to tell them the truth, all the details needed to be out in the open. A slashing pain at the core of my heart inflamed the wound I’d been trying to cover up. I wasn’t one to cower down in fear. I always faced my demons. But I hid the ache of her loss so well that neither Tanya or Sedona ever questioned what really happened.

Putting the ballpoint pen down on my desk, I opened the drawer to my left and took out the 5 x 7 4-D ultrasound photo of her a week before I lost her. It was the only tangible remembrance I had of her. She’d looked so tiny.
My little pea
.

My hands shook as I touched the center of the picture, unable to decipher what body parts were showing, but I recognized what was supposed to be a head and her little body. I barely remembered holding her, cradled securely in the pink sheet that the nurse had wrapped her in. People said miscarriages could have lasting psychological effects on women and I think that’s true. There was a marked disparity between the woman I was before I had her and the woman I was after her.

My little angel was forever in my heart. But I didn’t miscarry her. She just came into this world too soon and left just as soon.

I loved Xavier unconditionally. Irrevocably. From the depths of my soul to the beat of my heart, he’d owned every piece of me. He was my world.

Until the day a tiny being occupied a space inside of me, learning the walls of my heart from the inside out, she’d become a part of me in every possible way.

She was also a part of him. But he’d refused to acknowledge her.

When he’d said he had loved her, I wanted to believe him. So much. But I couldn’t…not after what he had done to me and to her.

I didn’t think he did it out of cruelty or out of spite. Xavier wasn’t a mean guy by nature. He was one of the nicest, chilled, coolest guys I’d ever met. So when I told him the news, I’d expected him to be just as cool with it as he had been with everything else in our relationship.

Yet the highest expectations can lead to major disappointments, the biggest dreams can crumble down into pieces, and solid trust can break down at the worst possible time.

And that’s why Xavier or any other man will never own that piece of my heart again.