Love's Illusions: A Novel (6 page)

Well that world had crashed and burned in spectacular fashion as if it was an image on TV from Vietnam with napalm fires blazing, indiscriminately destroying everything and everyone in sight. I couldn’t think of Stephen without seeing myself on fire or my brain exploding into tiny pieces, and yet I couldn’t think of anything else. Everyone at school knew me as part of a couple, as Stephen’s wife; some of them asked where he was or what he was doing; others just looked at me. Whatever the case, being at the Art Institute reminded me of him. I hated the reality of my life, so I built a whole world of mental fantasies around the theme of a liberated woman, working in a bar, determined to survive – one way or another – the ideal heroine of my own soap opera. The Canteen was the perfect escape. I would never quit this place. Who the fuck did I think I was kidding?

The alarm was going off… Shit it was loud! I rolled over forcing myself to consciousness through my Valium induced haze, cracked my eyes open enough to see the clock and hit the snooze button, lacking even enough strength to pull my arm back under the covers – my eyes closed again. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! “Shut up!” I yelled hitting snooze a second time. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! “Okay, okay, Jesus Christ, just SHUT UP,” I bellowed at the alarm, sitting bolt upright in bed this time turning the miserable thing off. I pulled my knees up around my chest, wrapped my arms around them, and let my head fall down on top as I attempted to open my eyes… Thank God the sun was gone, and all I had to contend with outside the window were street lights.

Even though I wasn’t hungry, I dug some leftovers out of the refrigerator, and forced myself to eat a couple pieces of ham and some rice, melting sharp cheddar cheese over the top of the rice by popping it under the broiler for a few minutes while I changed clothes, and put on some makeup. After swallowing what food I could, I grabbed my jacket, and made my way to work, it was a lot colder today than it was yesterday. Saturdays at The Canteen were usually pretty busy, and I was hoping that tonight would be no exception – I didn’t want any time to think about the events of the day.

There were only about five or six people in the bar when I arrived; I glanced around the room, and saw that they were all regulars – well it was early after all. Rick greeted me as I came down the stairs yelling, “Hey Jackie, why did you disappear last night? I turned around, and you were gone… Mike told me he found you across the street hanging on the phone pole… Good one girl … you were fucked up!” The faces turned to see what was going on for a moment, but since they were all guys that knew me, they had little interest in me being ‘fucked up’ again: they had seen it many times before.

“Yeah I was. Don’t give me any booze tonight – I don’t care how many times I ask, don’t give it to me,” I replied motioning him to join me at the deserted end of the bar. Lowering my voice I continued, “But I could use some of that wonderful, mellow grass you had the other day – got any left? When did you talk to Michael?”

“I saw him at the garage this afternoon – he’s helping me install some new chrome on my bike. He was pretty pissed when he went out to look for ya, like worried, ya know, but I guess you guys…” He hesitated as the smirk on his face grew into a full-fledged grin. “I guess you guys
made up
… huh? I’ll never understand what he has that I don’t – he can’t even tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue. I’m telling ya Jackie, ya don’t know what you’re missin’.”

This was an ongoing conversation I had with Rick now almost every night, by this time it was almost scripted. I smiled as I recited my lines, “You know it’s against Charlie’s rules – you don’t want me to get fired do ya? Who would you torment if I wasn’t here? Charlie said he wasn’t going to hire any more women, and…”

Right on cue, Rick cut off my response, his eyes dancing with delight “What Charlie doesn’t know won’t hurt him – I won’t tell – I promise, I won’t tell him or Mike.”

“Right, you’re so full of shit – Charlie knows everything that happens in this place and Michael’s your friend, you introduced us. Besides, you know I need something in reserve to fanaticize about,” I countered, in my best put-on flirtatious tone, grinning back, tilting my head and blowing him a kiss across the bar. Rick dramatically caught the kiss with both hands, pressed it to his heart and sighed. Ritual conversation over, we both laughed.

“But seriously, why did you leave the bar last night?” Rick asked with just the slightest hint of concern in his voice, “I’ve never seen you go off like that before.” One of the regulars had walked up to the bar with his empty beer glass, and was now staring at Rick. Rick just waved his hand in a dismissive, be right there, kind of gesture and the guy looked away.

“I don’t know – I honestly don’t remember going outside. I just remember sort of waking up by the telephone pole – alone. Guess I had things on my mind,” I replied acknowledging his unspoken tone. “I mean it – no booze tonight – none!”

“Yeah, Mike said you could have some vodka, but to keep you away from the Southern Comfort, at least until he got here later,” Rick said.

My body stiffened; I turned on my heels, started to open my mouth to object to Michael dictating what I should and shouldn’t do, but then changed my mind and replied, “Don’t worry – I don’t want any, I felt like shit when I woke up, but I would like a joint… if it’s the same stuff you guys had last week.”

Rick just grinned, winked and pulled a pack of Marlboros out of his T-shirt pocket. Tucked between the package and the cellophane wrapper was about a quarter of a joint. Handing it to me he said, “This will have to do for now – that asshole at the end of the bar is getting impatient.”

Rick was a biker – left over from the ‘biker bar’ days. He was about the same height as Charlie, but a good deal heavier – not fat, but well-muscled with a tattoo of a naked woman on his right bicep placed so that when he flexed his arm muscles, her boobs appeared to grow. On his left arm, higher up, closer to his shoulder was a tattoo of an eagle over the large orange letters HD with the words Harley Davidson Cycle in a semi-circle underneath, and eagle wings supporting the whole design. (He had other tattoos that he volunteered to show me ‘in private’ but I declined.) His wavy, coffee brown hair was just below his ears, a full beard and mustache set off his lips and his bright blue eyes didn’t miss a thing – always darting from one person to the next, sizing them up. He could usually spot trouble brewing in the bar and have it stopped before anything ever happened. And Rick was a lady’s man – he showed any female entering the premises how he could tie a knot in the stem of a cherry using only his tongue, letting them know that he, and his tongue, were available to perform other ‘services’ if they cared to come back around closing time. Most nights there was someone waiting to take him up on his offer. The whole act was very entertaining to watch, almost as choreographed as our daily conversation. Although he tried not to let it show, he was your all around good person under that tough guy façade.

Levi was a different story entirely. Most of the time he dressed like a higher-class version of Charlie, hippie all the way, but giving off the impression that he was somehow slumming by working at The Canteen. There’s no way to express what Levi looked like other than to say he was, hands down, one of the most gorgeous men I had ever seen, with eyes even brighter blue than Rick’s - they looked like blue sapphires, and honey blond hair that always smelled like he had just washed it with a ginger spice-scented shampoo. It was easy to see how the other females Charlie had hired fell prey to his smooth, self-assured, educated voice that belied his true manner. His soft facial features, those high set cheek bones, inviting smile, and lips the color of Merlot wine were straight off the fashion pages of
Vogue
. His act was so smooth, so polished – glittering like a multi-faceted, high quality, De Beer’s princess cut diamond – he could be irresistible. He reminded me of Stephen. No, he didn’t look like him at all, but something in the way he moved… so confident, so sure of himself. Or maybe it was just the way other people were drawn to him, as if he was the North Pole and they were mere magnets unable to turn away. But for me, there was something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on, couldn’t quite discern, other than Charlie’s rule, that kept me away. Keeping my distance from Levi was no problem at all.

It was Saturday night so the bar was busy, but not hectic like it could sometimes get. The room filled up with the usual assortment of people: groups of two, three, four guys out together looking to pick up someone to spend the night with; groups of two, three, four women looking for the same thing; couples wandering in meeting up with other couples; single guys leering in the corners as they got drunk hoping they would score, but in reality, knowing it wasn’t going to happen. There were always one or two dealers wandering around the bar peddling their dime bags, and any number of other mind-altering substances – whatever you wanted, it could be found here.

The leftover joint Rick gave me had done its job, and I floated through the night serving drinks without a care in the world until Kevin, one of the Saturday night regulars, came up behind me, and without warning snapped a popper in my nose. “You motherfucker! Why the hell did you do that?” I bellowed whirling around and stumbling – the beers I was carrying went crashing to the floor as I was overcome by an instantaneous head rush. “You motherfuckin’ son of a bitch – Goddamn it!”

Kevin was looking pretty pleased with himself until he saw Rick motion to the bouncer, Dave, who, at the sound of breaking glass, had already started making his way to where I was standing. Rick was yelling, “He’s wasted, get him out of here.” Then turning to face Kevin he said, “See ya tomorrow man.”

Kevin was trying to apologize, “Jackie… Jackie I’m sorry, I thought you’d like it” he said backing up and spreading his hands so Dave could see he wasn’t going to put up a struggle.

With Dave pulling Kevin up the stairs, and my head still swooning I yelled, “You ever do that to me again, and I’ll kick you in the balls – I
hate
those fuckin’ things!”

“Here Jackie, sit down for a minute then take these beers to those guys” Rick said coming around the bar with a broom in his hand. “You’ll be fine in a minute, Kevin didn’t mean to piss you off, he’s just a fucked up asshole.”

“Hmph – yeah, well he ruined my perfect buzz,” I said picking up the new tray of beers and starting through the crowd, “I hate that shit!”

Sundays had become my favorite day of the week since Michael and I started hanging out. We had a sort of routine established: he would come to the bar an hour or two before closing on Saturday night, we’d get breakfast at the Sunrise Diner on Broadway with Rick, Levi, Charlie and whoever else was around, and then make our way back to my apartment. The diner made great French toast which I always smothered in maple syrup and powdered sugar; along with my side order of link sausages and coffee it was the perfect ending to the night. Somehow French toast just tasted better at 4 am on Sunday morning before going to bed than it ever had when my mother made it for me while I was growing up. Michael’s usual breakfast consisted of two eggs, over easy, crispy bacon and white buttered toast with strawberry jam and black coffee. I doctored my coffee with as much cream and sugar as I could squeeze into the cup.

As usual, both Levi and Rick had women with them that they’d picked up earlier in the evening at the bar. Everyone was winding down; the conversation was light and meandering, revolving almost entirely around the events of the evening. “Are you going to make Kevin pay for the broken glasses Charlie,” I asked sipping my coffee.

“Nah,” he replied, “he’s an idiot – he never thinks, but he’s harmless. I’ll make sure he knows not to stick any more poppers up your nose though.”

“Yeah, that was pretty amusing, Jackie,” Levi piped in, “… for a minute I thought you were going to fall over head first into the bar.”

“It wasn’t funny, I almost did fall over,” I shot back. “God I
hate
those things!”

“That’s because you’re doing them at the wrong time… Mike – here catch,” Rick called tossing a foil packet across the table to him, grinning from ear to ear. “Give this to her when you guys are fuckin’, and she’ll change her mind.”

Michael caught it with one hand and smiled at me with a questioning look on his face. My face and voice left no doubt about my opinion on the subject as I snarled, “Don’t you dare!”

One corner of Michael’s mouth curled up; he chuckled under his breath, and slid the packet back across the table to Rick. “We don’t need it,” he said leaning over to kiss my cheek. The table exploded with laughter followed by a string of wise-ass comments causing me to turn a full spectrum of red. Michael, on the other hand, never seemed embarrassed by that kind of teasing – he never turned ten shades of red the way I did. He said the way I blushed was ‘cute’, and I could tell he was enjoying it now as much as everyone else.

When things calmed down some, the woman hanging on Levi’s arm whispered something in his ear and he roared again, eyebrows raising… “Give that to me – I’ve got a taker – we’re gonna parrrttty!”

Rick handed it over winking at his partner for the night, “Don’t worry sweetie – I’ve got some for you too.”

With that, shaking his head, Charlie announced he had to leave, saying in his own mischievous tone, eyes glinting, “I think I’ll go wake up my wife.”

By the time we all made our way out of the diner the sun was starting to rise, and Michael suggested we go over to Lincoln Park and watch the lake for a while before heading back to the apartment. The air was brisk and cool, but not yet too cold to be by the water, so I agreed without hesitation. Lincoln Park had always been one of my favorite destinations in the city. A wonderful zoo and conservatory were only part of the lure as it stretched out along the north side of the city providing a much needed place to escape the busy streets; a place where you could sit under a tree and listen to Lake Michigan. We found a secluded bench along one of the walkways; Michael put his arm around me as I pulled my legs up close to my body, and leaned back against him snuggling in to stay warm.