Love's Sacrifice (11 page)

‘
For Sorab,’ I sob.

‘
Not even for Sorab.’

‘
Why?’

‘
Because I will not give you up for anything.’

‘
He is our baby. He is innocent. He is depending on us to protect him,’ I whisper.

‘
He is my son. I will give up my life for him, but I will not give you up and live with her for him.’

I close my eyes. If only this was all a nightmare that I could wake up from.

‘
Understand this, Lana. You are mine. You belong to me. Because you are young and you have never had others, you are like a child who has been given a priceless antique. You know not the price so you are willing to do the exchange. I will die before I let you make such an exchange.’

‘
For Sorab,’ I plead.

‘
You still don’t understand, do you? You can go on without me for Sorab’s sake, but I cannot. Without you nothing makes sense. Everything is meaningless.’

I stare at him blankly. I know his words carry meaning, important meaning, but they wash over me. I made that boy in my body. God gave him to me to introduce to this world. He deserves my loyalty. Until he can fend for himself I am his mother. I will fight his corner to the end.

Blake walks towards me and stands directly in front of me. ‘I know you want me to say otherwise, but I can only tell you what is in my heart. I love Sorab, but I love you more. When Sorab wants to go to summer camp, I will allow it, then I will watch with pride when he goes off to university and moves out, but you—I will not allow myself to be parted from you for one day.’

‘
I don’t want to be parted from you either.’  

‘
Besides there is far, far more at stake than you understand.’

I know instinctively that he is right. I know nothing about these people, their cold and brutal ways. Slowly, I replace the receiver on its hook.

‘
You don’t understand her. Maybe I don’t understand her either, but I still want you to trust me that I understand her better than you. I want you to know I would die for my son. There is no greater commitment than that. I will get him back.’

‘
If you don’t?’

‘
That is defeatist thinking. Don’t defeat me, Lana. You are the only one who can.’

I run into his arms. ‘Just bring my son back to me.’

He pries the card from my hand, not realizing I have memorized its contents.

‘
Promise me only one thing.’

‘
What?’

‘
Never contact her. She will destroy you and Sorab.’

I nod.

‘
There is something important you must know. While you are safe he is safe.’

I nod again. I am so frightened, I am glad he is taking over. My plan was no plan at all. It was to beg pity from the criminally insane. Stupid strategy.

He looks at his watch. ‘I want you to eat.’

I start shaking my head.

‘
You have to be strong for Sorab.’

I cover my face. ‘I can’t eat.’

He nods. ‘Then you will watch me eat.’

He puts his hands around my waist and we walk together to the kitchen. He moves toward the refrigerator. And it occurs to me that I know exactly how I can be of use. I can keep him strong.

‘
I’ll do it,’ I say, and I open the fridge door and rummage around. The chef has left some lamb chops wrapped in cling film.

‘
Would you like me to make you a meal, madam?’ Rita, my housekeeper, asks from the doorway. She has curly hair and wears glasses. Usually she spends her nights at her daughter’s house in Surrey. She must be staying over because of the situation with Sorab.

‘
Thank you, Rita, but I can manage.’

‘
It’s no problem.’

‘
No, I’d like to keep busy.’

She nods and disappears.  

I find some broccoli and carrots to go with the chops. There is also mint sauce and some parsnip mash in a covered dish. Blake sits on an island stool while I prepare his meal for him. We do not speak.

He stares at me while I move around, but I know he is not really watching me. He is laying his plans. Once he expels his breath and says, ‘OK, OK.’

I say nothing. I know he is not talking to me.

Quietly, I work. It is therapeutic. When I put his food in front of him, he picks up his knife and fork and eats automatically. There is no enjoyment or sign that he is even tasting the food. Once or twice, he frowns. Halfway through his meal he stops eating, looks at me, smiles faintly and says, ‘Sometime ago I had my soul put in a box and delivered to you.’

I sit with my hands clasped on the counter.

At the end of it all, he gazes down as if perplexed at his empty plate. ‘Will you be all right if I leave you alone for a couple of hours?’

I nod.

I wake up suddenly from a restless sleep full of strange dreams and there is no moment of forgetfulness or mercy. Of slowly facing up to the day. The knowledge is instant and burning: my greatest enemy has my son. I close my eyes and wish again for sleep. But sleep does not come.

Instead I am filled with the terrible pain of knowing she has him. That we won’t be able to simply buy our way out of this nightmare. Whether he lives or dies lies at the whim of a mad, vindictive woman. I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. Stare with bewilderment at my darkness. I am so lost and frustrated I want to scream, but I can’t.

I honestly feel as if I am losing it, going insane.

If only I had not gone to the theater. If only I had not asked Blake for more protection. If only he had not hired more men. If only I had just trusted Brian and let things be.

My head starts to ache.

Blake’s hand is heavy on my stomach. Carefully I move out from under the weight. Quietly, I fumble around, locate my alarm clock and depress the light button. Two a.m.

I sit up and press my throbbing temples. God, how I long for just one minute of forgetfulness from this insistent guilt and pain. Silently, I leave the bed and go toward Sorab’s room. For a long while I simply stand at the entrance looking at the empty cot. My heart is very loud in my chest. Ever since Sorab was taken I haven’t dared go into the nursery. I am almost afraid of it. I press my lips together and cast my eyes along the painted walls of fluffy clouds and stars.

My gaze grazes his toys. The sight of them hurts my eyes. I cover my mouth with my hand and move my eyes away quickly to the rack of CDs. There with all his nursery rhymes is Mozart. I bought Mozart for him because I read somewhere that listening to Mozart makes an infant more intelligent. The stupid things I concentrated on. A sob rises in my throat.

Be brave, be brave, I tell myself, and close my eyes. But immediately memories start crowding into my head.

I see it again as clear as day—sitting at the table with Billie in our little kitchen. That time when I had gone to the bank to get a loan and Blake had been waiting for me. I remember that wooden table. She warned me. But I didn’t listen. I was so in love, so crazy for any crumbs from Blake’s table that I was blind to the danger. I traced the scratches on the table and naïvely told Billie nothing bad was going to happen. That even though I had taken the woman’s money and her man she would not retaliate. Of course she was not going to go quietly.

I’ve been so silly, so stupid.

So unbelievably naïve.

I shake my head to dislodge the guilt, and dig deeper into myself. Courage, Lana, courage. I am determined to be brave. So I made mistakes. I will confront my demons. I will get my son back. Come back. Come back to me. I don’t care what I have to sacrifice to get you back. An ugly, unwanted thought intrudes. What if it is Blake? What if it is Blake that you have to give up?

Are you prepared for that?

I walk up to the cot, shivering with the endless chill in my bones, and Sleepy Teddy’s glassy eyes watch me. In the darkness he seems sinister. It is my imagination. Obviously, he is not sinister. Sorab loves him. I pick the toy up and cuddle it, and suddenly, I am enveloped by the smell of my son. It is so strong it is as if he is in my arms. A sharp pain pierces my chest and I almost cry out then. The pain is so great I drop Sleepy Teddy, and, turning around, blindly run from Sorab’s nursery.

My feet are soundless on the carpet. My throat stings with unshed tears. I want to scream and howl. It will be some kind of a release, but how can I? At this time of the night? I wish I could drive out to some lonely location and scream and scream and scream. But the moment I leave the front door, Brian or one of the men will start trailing me.

I pause at the entrance to our bedroom and stand gazing at Blake. He looks very pale sleeping among shadows. I feel as if I have lost everything. I am so incredibly scared. I need to hear him call out my name in that snarling voice again. Without thinking I drift, like a flower crowned Ophelia, toward him, toward the warmth of his body. At the edge of the bed I look down on him, my eyes exploring the tousled hair, relaxed muscles, the smooth and gleaming skin. He is so incredibly sexy. But I’m not wet with desire. I want to be wet with desire again.

Carefully, I lift the duvet and crawl onto the bed next to the magnificent body. His scent is sun ripened and heady. I take his soft penis into my mouth. Slowly, gently, I suck it. He tastes delicious.

The juices begin to gather between my legs.

He moans in his sleep, his throat moves, and I increase the pressure of my mouth. The shaft grows thicker and bigger. Blake’s hands come up to hold my shoulders. I don’t look up. I just keep on sucking. His hands grip harder. Suddenly they are under my armpits, and pulling me up, and over his body.

‘
Let me finish,’ I say, but already I am straddling his hips.

I move my body encouragingly, and my sex, wet and willing, rubs against the short silky hairs on his thighs. He lifts me up silently and holds my body over the head of his cock. I hold onto the shaft and position it over the core of my heat. Slowly, my sex is stretched and fitted around that aroused throbbing shaft. He spreads my thighs even farther and flattens them against his hips. The action makes my clit touch bone. He grinds that bone against me. Then tension transfers to my belly, my thighs, my sex. My nerves overload, and soon I am lost in a red mist of forgetfulness. It explodes in my brain.

He holds me by the waist and rolls me under him. I close my eyes and let my body be a vessel for his satisfaction. For a while I am simply a body, a body that is being fucked by another body. I am nothing but a biological reaction. When I feel the first drop of water on my cheek, I think it is Blake’s sweat, but when the next drop splashes onto my forehead, I know. They are tears. And then it is impossible for me to even be a biological reaction. He feels the change in me, and stops moving.

‘
I’m sorry,’ he whispers. The words are strange in his mouth.

I grab his wet face in my hands. ‘It’s OK. We’re not supposed to enjoy ourselves while he is not here.’

‘
Trust me. I’ll get him back,’ he says. His words are like spells in the night.

I nod quickly, my eyes filling up with tears again. He runs one finger in my hair. The action is unusual. Affectionate. We lost our passion. We have become pitiful creatures. I look at him sadly. Maybe we have lost too much to recover.

Now I understand why so many couples who lose a child break up. Because you just can’t help it—the natural instinct is to turn on each other and tear each other to pieces, so that there is nothing living left to remind you of your terrible, terrible loss.

‘
I will find him. If it is the last thing I do,’ he promises.

‘
I know. I know you will.’ And at that moment I don’t think of any other possibility. I don’t think I might need to sacrifice him for my son. Because I cannot think it.

Billie is in my head. ‘If Blake and Sorab were drowning, and you could only save one person, who would you save?’

‘
I’m not answering that. You’re a wicked witch, Billie.’

And she grinned evilly.

But now the choice is upon me. I want to, I want to with all my heart choose Blake, but I can’t. I just can’t. The great mistake I made was when I thought of my own pleasure before I thought of Sorab’s well-being. I’ve learned my lesson. This time I won’t think of myself. I’ll do what I have always done. Put the ones I truly love before me.

Blake Law Barrington

She makes a dreadful sound, like the last rattle in the throat of a dying animal. I turn around and wrap my arms around her tightly, and feel her open mouth press into my breast bone. Her fevered breath and the odd sounds seep into my skin and chill my heart. How effectively Victoria has wounded us.

‘
I
will
get him back. No matter what the price,’ I repeat loudly. In the darkness my voice mocks me with its blustery hollowness.

‘
I know that,’ she says sadly.

We lie awake for hours after that. Not speaking. Simply holding each other. At four thirty a.m. I switch off the alarm clock and get up. By five a.m. I am out of the house and itching for any kind of news of my son’s whereabouts.

Lana Barrington

I call Billie at eight in the morning. I don’t know why I do. Billie always sleeps late. I guess I just want to hear her voice. She sounds sleepy. I know I’ve woken her up.

‘
What is it?’ she says into the phone. She tries to disguise it, but there is an undercurrent of panic in her voice. She is expecting bad news. The thought that she is expecting bad news makes me feel frightened. The tears that are at the backs of my eyes surge forth.

‘
Nothing has happened. I just wanted to ask you something.’

‘
What?’

‘
If Sorab and I were drowning, whom would you choose?’