Love's Sacrifice (5 page)

Smiling broadly I start edging away from them and sidling out from behind the table. In my haste I hit my knee on the edge of the table, and just about stop myself from crying out.

‘
Are you all right?’ Blake asks, concerned.

I bob my head brightly and escape. When I get to the entrance I can’t help it. I glance back quickly. Blake is watching me and his mother is watching him. I slip out quickly and meet Billie coming out of the lift. Brian is behind her. Brian nods unobtrusively at me and waits a few feet away.

Sorab squeals with unconcealed delight and excitement when he spots me. He holds his arms out and waves them impatiently at me. I take him from her and rain kisses on his face. He hugs my neck tightly and laughs.

‘
You look pale. You must have met the mutton dressed in dragon, then,’ Billie says.

‘
Disconcertingly posh, isn’t she?’ I whisper.

‘
Yes, vomit-inducingly grand. What’s it like so far?’

‘
Alien vs. Predator
.’

She laughs. ‘Which one’s your husband?’

‘
Who wins?’

‘
Predator, I think.’

‘
That’ll be him, then.’

‘
Don’t let her bite you, duckie.’

‘
I won’t.’

‘
Right, then, I’m off to do some sunbathing by the pool. Come and see me when you are finished,’ she says and leaves, her flip-flops slapping the gleaming granite floor.

‘
See you later,’ I call out after her, and, gazing adoringly at Sorab, drop more kisses on his face. He grins widely at me. ‘So you missed your mummy, then?’ I ask, and as if he has understood me, he grabs my neck and plants a very wet kiss on my lips.

‘
OK, let’s go see your grandma.’

When we reach the door of the lounge I see that Blake and his mother are involved in an intense discussion. As soon as her eyes catch our arrival she stops talking, and, smiling widely, stands to greet her grandson.

‘
Oh, what a beautiful child,’ she exclaims. ‘Blue eyes and a round face. A moon child. Just like you, Blake,’ she says.

‘
No, he’s not,’ Blake retorts harshly and I wonder what they are really referring to.

She laughs and holds her beautifully preserved hands, the tips pale pink ovals, out to Sorab.

But Sorab only buries his face in my neck, and looks longingly at his father, at the place where he really wants to go.

‘
He’s a bit reserved with strangers,’ I explain apologetically.

‘
Hello,’ she coos brightly, but still buried in my hair, Sorab turns his face fractionally towards her, and stares at her unsmiling.

‘
He doesn’t tend to say much,’ I add.

Helena laughs. ‘He’s exactly like you, Blake. This is exactly how you were.’

I look at Blake. He is watching us without expression. When he catches my eyes, his lips curve upwards. Helena goes back to her seat and snaps open her white crocodile handbag with an expensive clunk, the discreet whiff of perfumed new leather, and a glimpse of the exclusive Gadino label. She fidgets about inside it and comes up with a lollipop, which she then unwraps slowly and deliberately, as she comes toward us. It is on the tip of my tongue to tell her that we have not introduced him to sweets or sugar, but I resist the urge. Fascinated, Sorab looks at the tantalizingly red lollipop. He wants it.

‘
Go on,’ she encourages. ‘It’s for you.’

He snatches his hand out, but she pulls the sweet out of his reach. He stops and regards her. She opens her arms out and he rears back and watches her steadily. She offers him the lollipop and again he reaches for it only to have it drawn back. Any other child would have cried but he waits quietly, aware that it will be offered again. When it is, he lunges for it so hard, he almost jumps out of my arms. Helena is so taken aback by surprise that she doesn’t react in time, and Sorab grabs the prize in his fat hands and falls back against me.

Before anyone else can take it away from him he pops it greedily into his mouth while eying Helena with a mixture of suspicion and curiosity. Helena laughs delightedly and turns toward Blake.

‘
Turns out he’s a chip off the old block. He’ll take, but he won’t give.’

I gasp at the insult, but Blake stands and says smoothly, ‘We have to go. I’m taking this little fellow here to the kiddie pool. Do you want to spend some time with him tomorrow morning?’

Helena smiles and nods gratefully, and for the first time I realize that she must have the normal instincts of a grandmother. At that moment my heart melts a little. She cannot be all bad. I will be as nice as I can to her.

‘
All right,’ Blake says. ‘I’ll have the nanny come around to your suite at about eleven a.m., but please don’t give him any more sweets.’ Blake holds his hands out and Sorab eagerly leaves me for the higher perch.

Helena turns toward me. ‘Will you have tea with me tomorrow, Lana?’

That takes me by surprise. I turn to look at Blake, but he is watching me expressionlessly. Up to me.

My hands are suddenly clammy. ‘That will be nice,’ I accept.

‘
Good, that’s settled then. See you at four.’

‘
See you then,’ I say, and we leave her at the table. I dare not glance back, but I can feel her eyes on us until we get out of the door, and turn the corner.

‘
Wow!’ I say. ‘That was intense.’

‘
You don’t have to go tomorrow, you know?’

‘
I know that. I’ll be OK,’ I say, and kissing them both, go off in search of Billie.

I find Billie lying on her front on a sun lounger. Her bikini top is undone and her back is evenly brown. She opens her eyes and looks at me while I take off my shift dress and, rubbing some of the suntan lotion that her mother makes at home on my shoulders and stomach, sit down beside her.

‘
Well, did he bite her?’ she asks languidly.

I slather more onto my arms. ‘No, he didn’t, but he tricked her into giving up her lollipop, and then refused to go to her afterwards.’

‘
Lollipop?’ Billie says, lifting her head, suddenly cheered by the thought of a fresh grievance. ‘That’s not fair. How come I’m not allowed to give him sweets and she is?’

I smile inwardly and start on my legs. ‘She’s not either. Blake’s already told her not to.’

She leans the side of her head on her elbow. ‘What was his reaction to the lollipop?'

‘
His eyes nearly rolled to the back of his head, he liked it that much.’

She laughs. ‘I hope you caught it on your phone?’

‘
No, I was too much in a state.’ I put the lotion on the floor between us and lie down.

‘
Shame. I’d have loved to have seen it.’

I close my eyes. ‘You know what? I’ll keep Sorab tonight. You hit the town with Brian and enjoy yourself.’

‘
Are you sure?’

‘
Absolutely. I’ve really, really missed that mischievous, little runt. I’ve decided I’ll never be so far away and so out of touch from him again. Besides, it’s your holiday too.’

‘
OK,’ she says. ‘I’ll go see one of those shows where the girls shoot ping-pong balls out of their fannies.’

I open my eyes. ‘You’re going to see a sex show?’

‘
Yeah, Brian’s promised to take me.’

I laugh and lie back down. ‘Right. Tell me all about it tomorrow at breakfast.’

‘
Do you want to have dinner at the Moon rooftop bar terrace?’ Blake asks when I get back to the room.

‘
I know it’s a must do, and I do, but not tonight. Tonight, can we just order room service and stay with Sorab?’

And so that is what we do. We have a beautiful night together, the three of us. After dinner, we bathe Sorab together, and play with him, until he gets tired. Then we take him to our bed and cuddle up together. Finally, as he does whenever Blake is around, he crawls on top of his father’s body, and falls asleep.

We talk in whispers late into the night and go to sleep with Sorab’s warm, small body tucked between us. My last thought as I fall into sleep is that I can’t believe just how lucky I am.

Victoria Jane Montgomery

A nurse takes me to the evaluating psychiatrist later in the afternoon. The door opens and I see a man sitting at a desk. He is very still, but his eyes, behind his spectacles, are alert and intelligent. I can tell instantly that he is a man of great cultivation and charm who will speak with imagination and humor.

He stands and welcomes me as if I wasn’t a patient, but a guest. It is an act, naturally, but one he excels at. You see, he wants to see me as whole, but he cannot help turning me into parts—the parts that work and those that don’t.

I already know his name. One of the orderlies mentioned it and it is on his door. Dr. J. McBride. Anyway, he extends his hand, which surprises me. I put my hand in his and he looks at me with deliberately expressionless eyes. So he is hiding. He doesn’t want me to know how very curious he is about the Montgomery heir who has fallen under his care.

I smile serenely at him.

Someone opens the door and calls him outside. I am not sure that it is not just a ruse to see what I will do left to my own devices. When he leaves I move toward the window. The vast grounds are empty. Patients are not allowed out. Smokers have a small barred balcony to do their deed. I gaze at the sky.

‘
What are you doing?’ he says, from the door.

I turn to face him. ‘Listening to the birdsong,’ I lie. I had been thinking of the phoenix. Remembering that night when the sky had split open and he had dropped out of the light-filled crack. Wondering where he came from, where he has gone to.

He relaxes, his disquiet stilled. He is probably of the opinion that people who listen out for birdsong, whatever their inner difficulties, or however shattered, must be lovely, or harmless at worst.

‘
You were listening rather than watching,’ he adds.

‘
Yes, yes. Exactly that. The starlings were Mozart’s muse. Ein Musikalischer Spass.’

He smiles, pleased. It is now obvious to both of us that there could be something not quite right with me, but that I am definitely not mad.

‘
Birdsong is organized chaos,’ he says.

I whip my head around. Ah,
Ordo ab chaos
. Order out of chaos. So: he is one of us. My father has seen to it. Excellent. Eventually it will be useful. I used to be too impatient to be a good chess player, but now I have the time. To think. To plan. To make my moves.

‘
Will you permit me to examine you?’ he asks so graciously, it is as if I had a say in the matter.

I smile my acquiescence. It seems Dr. McBride and I will get on just fine.

The routine of a neurological exam is soothing: reflexes, muscle strength, coordination, tone, visual acuity, hearing, senses, and solving puzzles. Some are repeats I have already performed with the nurses, but I accept the intrusion demurely. When he scratches a pen on the soles of my feet I giggle and he looks at me with an expression that is almost one of fatherly concern.

‘
Tickles,’ I explain, with a smile. He smiles back.

‘
That ought to do it,’ he declares finally.

‘
I was wondering,’ I begin casually, ‘what are your thoughts on the subject of hallucinations?’

It is immediately obvious that it was a mistake to ask. A thin veil comes over his eyes.

‘
In the West there is cruel misunderstanding of the condition, often thought to portent madness so many people are unwilling to share their experiences. But in other cultures hallucinations are regarded as a privileged state of consciousness that is actively sought using hallucinogens, solitude, spiritual practices and meditation. Do you…have hallucinations?’ His words are deeply enlightened but his eyes are a trap for the unwary. They watch me suspiciously.

‘
Just once, as a teenager, when I dropped an acid tablet,’ I say softly.

‘
Ah,’ his voice clears. ‘Do you ever hear voices or see things?’

I look at him calmly. ‘No.’

The veil lifts. How easily I made that small doubt go away. ‘At some stage we’ll have to talk about what you did at the wedding, if that’s all right?’

I smile tightly. ‘Of course.’

‘
We’ll need to examine that
particularly heightened state of anxiety
that you found yourself in.’

‘
I’m afraid I lost touch with reality. I was awfully depressed and angry. I didn’t think. I’ve never done anything like that before. Besides, I wasn’t really planning to hurt her. I just wanted to frighten her.’

He gazes at me, harmless as an old goat, as he tries to figure out if I am being honest.

I bend my head. ‘Honest, I didn’t mean to hurt her. And I am terribly sorry for what I did.’

And, surprisingly, he pats my hand reassuringly.

Lana Barrington

In the morning we go downstairs to an amazing buffet breakfast spread. The profusion of food is quite frankly a shock to me. A vast selection of local dishes, omelets made to order, rice porridge, toasts, cakes, pastries, cut fruit, different kinds of cereal. Blake has bacon and eggs and I have pancakes with maple syrup and fruit. Sorab nibbles on fruit.

Blake offers to keep Sorab for the day while I do some shopping with Billie. ‘I want you to buy a very short, white dress. One of those stretchy materials if possible.’

‘
Why?’

‘
You’ll find out tonight.’

‘
OK,’ I agree with a grin. ‘What will you guys do?’

‘
We haven’t decided. It’s between going to see the tigers or Kidzania.’