Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (11 page)

Chapter 15

April 2011

I stared into the full-sized mirror, looking at my stomach from the side. Sarah sat on my bed laughing at me. “It says here that in the second trimester you can expect the sickness to go away.
It makes sense since you haven’t thrown up in a few days.” She liked reading my baby books, as if she’d never seen them before. Since she’d been the person to give them to me, with half of the pages dog-eared, I knew she was just revisiting her own two pregnancies.

I often wondered if she’d end up
pregnant one day because she actually liked it.

“Does it say how
fat I should be at four months? Look at my stomach. I don’t know whether it’s gas or the baby.”

She laughed. “It was a good thing you finally had the
first sonogram. Can you imagine if it was twins? I know you were freaking out for a while.”

I shot her a dirty look and went back to admiring my little bump.
We’d made a pact not to bring up the word twins anymore. That word only brought me memories of a something that I’d never have again. My whole childhood was like I lived it in another life.

I kept running my hands over my belly.
It wasn’t like I was worrying about getting fat. I had no one to impress.

It had taken me a while to accept that I was going to be a mother, and even longer to
be okay with raising the child by myself. In a couple of days I’d be far enough along to find out what I was having. All I could hope for was to look at that screen and see ten fingers and ten toes. The sex didn’t matter to me. I wanted my baby to be healthy since my first trimester had been so filled with stress.

I’d had a sonogram a
few weeks earlier that verified my conception date and that I was only carrying one fetus.

For a while
I had nightmares that the baby was Branch’s. Knowing that I hadn’t been intimate with him since before my period, and even then we used condoms, put my mind at ease.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate Branch. I knew I’d hurt him and he’d never forgive me, but somehow, knowing that this baby was Brooks
’ and mine, helped me cope with losing him. I knew that a piece of him was growing inside of me and that we’d made it out of a life-long love for one another.

I
also was aware that my baby would always signify that love, even if we’d only had one real night together.

I’d finally stopped puking every
day and my face was beginning to fill out. My friends, Sarah, Dave and Bobby were so supportive, and between the three of them and the kids, they never let me out of their sight for long. Sarah took me to my doctor appointments and basically shoved my vitamins down my throat every day.

My boss at the restaurant, Sherry, was even getting excited, claiming she
was dying to hold a baby again now that her three kids were teenagers.

I felt supported
, and I needed it more than ever before. Without parents, or even family to have my back, I depended on my friends and was thankful they didn’t mind being my shoulder to cry on.

And boy did I cry.

My emotions weren’t just heightened from being pregnant. I was always on high alert, and something as silly as a commercial could have me sobbing.

I tried to be strong and focus on the good in my lif
e. I had my health and nice place. My job was flexible and I’d been welcomed into a town that I was happy to call home.

But I still cried.

On the day of my sonogram to find out what I was having, Sarah’s youngest Maddy came down with a fever. It was rainy and cold outside, and I knew she couldn’t go with me. I’d stopped on my way because I needed gas, and when Bobby saw my car, he came running out and insisted on pumping it while I stayed warm and dry. I rolled down my window to pay him and say thanks for him helping. “Hey, here’s a twenty.”

He smiled and leaned against my window. “Your money
’s no good here today, Katy. What are you doin’ out on this nasty day?”

“I’ve got a doctor’s appointment. It’s the big one where I find out what I’m having.”

Bobby looked over at the shop and then back to me. He tapped on the roof of my car. “Hey, pull over a minute and wait for me to come back.”

I did as he told
me, especially after he wouldn’t take my money. Surprisingly, he hopped into the passenger seat, minus the coveralls that he’d just been wearing. “What are you doing?”

He smiled and looked over at me. “A pretty woman like you shouldn’t be doin’ this all by herself. I’m goin’ with you.”

“You don’t have to. I’m perfectly capable.”

He put his hands up. “Katy, it’s not a big deal. We’re friends and I’m just tryin’ to be supportive.”

Since I really didn’t want to do it alone, and we really were friends, I accepted his offer. After an hour wait, we were taken to the back. Bobby turned around while I got myself ready for the procedure. Once I was covered up with only my belly exposed, he sat down in the chair beside me.

The
technician came in the room and started lubricating the roller. I watched the screen and recognized the head right away. A little heart was beating in the middle of the body.

The tech took a couple measurements and then started looking between the legs. “Do you want to know the sex?”

I was so excited. “Yes. Yes I do.”

She double checke
d before announcing, “It’s a girl. Congratulations.”

She printed out a picture showing that it was girl and left me to get cleaned up. I was so excited to know I was having a little girl that I started to cry. Bobby reached over and held my hand. “Are you goin’ to be alright? Did you want a boy?”

I laughed through another bout of tears. “No. A girl is perfect. I think it’s just overwhelming. You must think I’m crazy.”

He squeezed my hand and looked down at the picture. “I’ve never seen anything quite like that. It’s pretty amazin’, ain’t it?”

I nodded.

“I hope you’re not mad I tagged along.
Sarah called earlier and mentioned she couldn’t go with you. I planned my lunch out so I could fill in for her.”

I sat up and wiped the mess off of my stomach. “You didn’t have to. As you can see, it wasn’t painful.”

He helped me slide off the table and stood there facing me. “I um, this is probably the worst time and place to do this, but I was wonderin’ if you like to have dinner with me sometime, other than on our card night of course.”

I wasn’t ready to date, but Bobby and I were friends. Along with Sarah and Dave, we’d all bonded. He knew my backstory and didn’t judge me for it. With a child on the way and no hope of ever falling back into a life with Brooks, my options were limited. If a nice guy wanted to take me to dinner, I knew I had to take him up on the offer, before I was too fat and pregnant to be able to get into a car and go anywhere. “That would be nice. Thanks for asking.”

He smiled, “Really? I figured you’d say no at least ten times.”

We both laughed. “We’re friends, Bobby. I’d like to go out for a night on the town with you. I trust you.”

He looked embarrassed that I’d complimented him. It was one of the things that I liked about him. Everything about Bobby was innocent. It made me feel safe, like I knew he would never hurt me. “I reckon we best be gettin’ back then.” And there was his sexy southern drawl that added a little masculinity to his voice.

He drove us back to the repair shop
, and I hugged him before getting into the driver’s seat to head home. “Thank you, again. It was nice not being there alone.”

He smiled. “I’ll never forget it.”

I looked down at the picture and tore one of them off for him. “Here. I don’t need all of them. You can keep this for when she’s born and compare it.”

He stuck it in his p
ocket and smiled. I waved goodbye before pulling out.

Sarah was at her door waiting to hear the news. I walked up and handed her
one of the sonogram pictures. “Oh my goodness! A girl? That’s wonderful!”

“I know.”

“I heard Bobby went in my place. How did that go?” She asked as we walked inside.

“You’re trying to set me up, aren’t you?” I wasn’t born yesterday and he was clearly being coaxed.

“Maybe. Just go out on one date. It won’t hurt you. We’re all friends, right?”

I played with her placemats. “Yeah, I guess. I just
don’t want to hurt his feelings. I mean, I’m not ready to start dating, especially now that I’m pregnant. It wouldn’t be fair to him.”

“Katy, Bobby likes you. He doesn’t care if
you’re pregnant. Besides, what do you have to lose? Nobody is going to judge you. At some point you’re going to have to let go, if you ever want to truly move on.”

She was right, but it was still too soon for me to consider. I knew
that
life was over, but I wasn’t ready to completely move forward, almost as if I needed to punish myself some more before I could be able to do that.

Once we’d celebrated with a big glass of apple juice, I headed to my trailer and hung the picture on my refrigerator. I lay down on my
couch and started thinking about names that would be suitable for a beautiful little girl.

I closed my eyes and dreamed of her running in a field of daisies, with her father’s crystal blue eyes looking back at me. Her hair was light brown like his
and when she smiled she made the sun get brighter. I grabbed her hands and spun her around, feeling the same love that Brooks had shown me, radiating through her.

I woke up in tears, imagining him never knowing she existed. It broke my heart, but I knew he was in another country, risking his life and wishing he’d never known me.
The fact that I’d chose to leave him severed any chance of me getting another chance. The last thing that family wanted was to hear I was carrying a Valentine child. Then I feared that if they did find out, they’d try to take her from me and I couldn’t ever let that happen.

Chapter 16

May 2011

Due to my having to stand so much, I was ordered by my doctor to stop working at the restaurant. I was worried that my boss would flip out. Instead, she looked a bit relieved.

After the first week of being home with nothing to do, I decided to make a phone call, to let an old friend know that I was doing alright. Of course, I had no intention of telling her I was with child.

The number to Melissa rang five times before she answered it, and when she did she was giggling uncontrollably. “Hello?”

“Melissa, it’s me, Katy. How are you?”

Even through the phone I could sense that she was shocked to hear from me. “Katy, oh my God.” She put her hand over the phone so I couldn’t hear her asking whoever she was with to give her a second. “Sorry, I have company and didn’t want to be disturbed. So, how are you? Where are you? You told me you were going to call me once a month. What happened?”

I let out an air-filled sigh and looked down at my belly. I had so many reasons why I hadn’t kept in touch. “I’ve just been busy. Starting over
can be a little overwhelming at times. So tell me, how are you? Did you finish school?”

She
hesitated to answer. “School is over, finally. I’ve started job hunting, which isn’t going very well. I moved into a new apartment and happened to get a new boyfriend in the shuffle of it all.”

“That’s awesome.” I was so happy for her. “Anyone I know?”

“No!” she answered quickly. “You don’t know him at all.”

It was weird how defensive she was, but I wondered if it was because of my actions the day I left town. Maybe she thought I had a habit of sleeping with men that I wasn’t engaged to. “Wow, it’s been a long time coming. You did so good not settling down so you could keep you
r focus on school. Had I done that, I wouldn’t have had to give up everything.”

I could hear her moving around as she spoke. “So tell me, where exactly are you?”

Of all the questions she could be asking me, she wanted to know my exact location. I felt reluctant about it, like she was fishing. “Florida. I’m living in Florida now and I have a roommate. Her name is Sarah,” I kept going with the lies. “I work at a large manufacturer of oranges. It’s nothing fancy, but it pays the bills.”

“So, you’re doing okay for yourself?”

“Yeah. I am.” I rubbed my stomach and smiled. “I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I’ve got a lot to look forward to and good people around me that have helped me tremendously.”

“Good for you.”

The line got quiet and I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to chat about everything under the sun. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to call, Mel. I know you’re probably mad at me.”

Finally, she seemed to calm down. “It’s fine. I guess I just expected something. For all these months I didn’t even know if you were alive. It’s really good to hear your voice. Is this your number? Do you mind if I keep it?”

I got excited thinking that enough time had gone by that she could keep my number. “Yes, of course. Call me whenever you want.”

“Great. Listen, I’ve got to run out, but you take care of yourself and keep in touch.”

“I will. Talk to you again soon.”

“Okay, bye.”

When I hung up I napped for the rest of the afternoon. The windows were all open and a cool spring breeze was coming inside. South Carolina was such an amazing place to live and I was somehow glad that I’d lied to Melissa about where I’d settled down at. Something about that call made me feel very uneasy. I wondered if maybe she’s promised Branch to tell him if I was ever in contact with her again.

When I finally woke, feeling well rested, I found Sarah outside hanging up some clean clothes on the line. They smelled like fabric softener and bleach and I loved how it was the
first thing that popped in my nose when I walked out my door.

“Hey there. Did you have a nice nap?”

I smiled, realizing she’d come in to check on me. “Yes. This weather feels amazing.”

“Just wait a
couple of months when your belly is double in size and you feel like you’re goin’ to melt. Our summers are hot. I reckon one weekend we can all go to the beach. It’s not a far drive from here. Myrtle Beach has lots of families at it. The kids love it.”

I helped her hang a shirt and walked
over wrapping my arms around her. “I love you, Sarah. You’ve given me hope when I thought I had nothing to live for. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

She hugged me back and started patting my shoulder. “Don’t talk like that. You’d be fine. Besides, everything happens for a reason. I’ve always believed that. Helping you was the Christian thing to do. Us being friends was an added bonus.”

“Yes, but you welcomed me into your family. I could never begin to repay you.”

“Your
money is no good here.”

I looked down at the ground when we separated. “Actually, there’s something I should probably tell you.”

A look of concern washed over her face. “Are you in some kind of trouble?”

I shook my head,
immediately reassuring her that everything was fine. “No, it’s nothing like that. You see, when my parents died, they left me a lot of money. I’ve never been allowed to touch it, well, not until I’m a certain age. Anyway, my birthday is next June, and I was just thinking that maybe I could give you and Dave some of it, to help fix things in your house and such. It’s the least I can do and the baby and I aren’t going to need much. I’d have plenty of money to build us a house around here and bring her up right.”

Sarah sat down on the grass and I followed her. She helped me get my footing to sit and we looked out at the green pasture. “I’ve never had someone offer anything like that for my family. I’m not real sure I could take it.”

I placed my hand on top of hers. “It’s a gift, Sarah. When I get it, I want it to be a gift.”

“
So, are we talkin’ like a grand? Dave would crap his pants if we had a grand.”

I laughed, realizing how much different money was from where I was from. “I’m talking like twenty-five grand.”

Sarah started to cry. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Yes, you can.”

She wept in my lap for the longest time and it was the first time I’d ever felt someone being grateful for something I was going to do. It made me feel so good to be able to offer something to them. After all, they were all I had and I wanted my daughter to always know she could count on them if something happened to me. That’s what led me to my next statement. “Sarah, before the baby is born, I wanted to ask you something. You can talk to Dave about it, but it’s important to me to have it in order.”

“Anything.” She wiped her eyes and perked up.

“I want to sit down with a lawyer and have something drawn up, in case something happens to me. I don’t want her being taken by the state.”

“I would never let that happen.”

“There’s one more thing. If something does happen to me, I want you to find Brooks. I’ll make sure his parents contact information is in the documents. He deserves to know about his daughter. I know it would mean the world to him.”

Sarah agreed, but a few minutes later, she had another question for me and I wasn’t all the way prepared to answer it.

“Katy, I’m wondering how you’re goin’ to feel once she’s here. I mean, you obviously still love the man. I can’t blame you for that, but can you honestly raise her without telling him she exists?”

I started to tear up. “I don’t know. I think about it every single day. It eats me up inside. There’s nothing I want more than to show Brooks what our love made together. He’s away for the next two and a half years. By the time he comes home, she’ll already
be walking around. I feel like it will be too late for him to understand and I sure as hell can’t send it to him in a letter, not that I even know an address to send it to.”

She held my hand again. “No matter what you decide, I’ll stand by you. I just don’t want to see the regret in your eyes every time we talk about him.”

She didn’t understand that I woke up with that regret and went to sleep with it at night.

Chapter 17

July 4
th
2011

“Katy, where are you?” I heard Sarah calling me, but I was too busy trying to find a sundress that didn’t make me look like a beached whale.

“I’m back here.”

Sarah came walking in wearing an American flag themed dress. “Aw, don’t you look cute?”

“Don’t even go there. I can’t even see my whole body in the mirror anymore.”

“Oh please. You’re the cutest pregnant woman I’ve ever seen. Besides, you’ve got a hot guy that would do anything for you. What do you care what anyone else thinks?”

I smiled,
thinking about Bobby. In the past three months we’d been spending one night a week together. Sometimes he would take me out to dinner. Other times we would rent a movie and just hang out at either of our houses.

It wasn’t anything serious, considering that I was growing by the second. Sure, we’d kissed and I enjoyed his company, but we both knew I’d never be able to really love someone again.

“Yeah, Bobby’s nice.”

“Nice? Is that what you call it? I’d say he’s smitten over you. Dave said you’re all he talks about. They can’t even go huntin’ now without him talkin’ about you and
the baby.”

I rolled my eyes, assuming she was exaggerating. “I wouldn’t go that far. It ain’t like we’re madly in love, Sarah. We’re just good friends that enjoy each other’s company.”

She laughed at me and watched me change my outfit again. When I’d exhausted my options, in which I mean I tried on the only three dresses that fit, I decided that I didn’t care anymore. It was hot as Hell and I hated being pregnant in it.

This was my first Fourth of July living in Sumter, but I’d already seen the way the town celebrated. They had a parade practically once a month and the
volunteer firemen were the next best thing since chocolate was invented. Coming from a place like the District of Columbia, where paid firefighters and police officers were one in every third person on the street, it was still hard for me to understand.

However
, I got that things were different and small town heroes were what kept the community feeling safe. It gave them security, when they really didn’t need it.

Bobby picked me up in his antique hot rod pick-up truck that he’d restored himself. It was a cherry red and he’d attached American flags to either side since it was going to be driven in the parade.

“Don’t you look pretty,” he said as I came outside and let him take my hand. He opened the door for me and gave my fat ass a boost to get me inside.

“I feel like a blimp. Maybe you should fill me with air and let me float around
in the sky.”

He laughed as he shut the truck door and walked around to climb into the driver’s side. “You’re really not that big. From the back you don’t even look pregnant, if you don’t mind me saying.”

I played with my hair as we began our drive down the gravel road. In the rearview mirror I could see Dave and Sarah following behind us. “Did you bring a blanket to sit on?”

“I got a
couple chairs in the back. Most people just sit on the curb or stand. It gets busy since the military comes and participates. They bring their families to watch.”

“Military?”

Right away my mind went to Brooks. I put my hand on my stomach and thought about our perfect little girl growing inside of me. She was my only connection to him and the love we’d shared. The mere mention of the military or anything Army had me on high alert, even though I knew Brooks was halfway across the world from me.

“Yeah, Fort Jackson is right down the road a ways. It’s a
n Army training facility. I’m surprised you’ve never heard of it. It’s one of the most popular in the country.”

Aside from Brooks joining the Army, I’d never really looked into where military stations were located. I guess it was because I’d always been against war and fighting. Terrorism had cost me my parents, but I didn’t see the point in more people dying to defend their honor. I
hated death, no matter how it came.

I
suppose it was sort of ridiculous considering that I’d thought about ending my life only months before.

My baby changed that for me. Ever since the day I found out that she was inside of me, I’d never wanted anything
more than to take care of her. I don’t know whether it was some motherly instinct or the fact that I was willing to scathe the ends of the earth for one chance to have a piece of Brooks with me forever.

I tried to play it off so Bobby wouldn’t get worried. “I really didn’t know.”

Bobby had grown up in Sumter. All of his friends still lived in town and he’d never really been anywhere else. For our first date, he’d taken me to a fishing spot on his granddaddy’s property. It wasn’t what I was used to, but it meant a lot for him to share such a special place with me. He’d also take me to the town’s favorite watering hole, where a rope swing had served as fun for his whole life.