Loving Bella (16 page)

Mattie continued running her finger along a row of books. “How so?”

“Let’s just say you wouldn’t admire me if you really knew me.”

“Secrets?” Mattie spun to stare at Bella. “I love secrets. And from one so young. My, oh my, I’ve struck gold.”

Unsure what to make of the madam’s strange response, Bella looked down at her hands, and because they refused to stop trembling, she folded them tightly around her waist. “Half your girls are younger than me.”

“True. True. But none of them have a caring family to watch over them.”

Bella took immediate offense, but refused to show it. She was Isabella Constance O’Toole. She knew exactly how to portray a woman of the world. Nevertheless, her hands still trembled as she lifted them to smooth her hair. “I’m not a child, Mattie. I’ve been on my own for two years now.”

“So young. And jaded already.” Returning to her chair, Mattie sank into the cushions with a soft whoosh. “Are you in trouble, dear?” She lowered her gaze to Bella’s stomach.

Bella instinctively clasped her waist. “Of course not.”

Mattie simply looked at her.

“All right, yes.”

Mattie’s eyes widened.

“Not
that
sort of trouble.”

A sigh of relief was the madam’s only response.

Feeling more than a little moody, Bella threw herself into the chair opposite Mattie’s and proceeded to sulk for two entire seconds. But then she stopped herself. She was tired of thinking about William, about his ugly proposal and the newest batch of letters in her pocket. But most of all, she was just plain tired of
thinking.
Her secret was becoming too much to endure alone.

She hadn’t been able to confide in Hannah, but Mattie was a woman who had made her share of mistakes. Mattie would understand. She would recognize the darkness inside Bella. Perhaps that explained why she blurted out, “I had a suitor in London.”

Mattie chuckled. “I’d wager more than one.”

“No, just one. But he was special. A viscount. I…He…” Bella rose, started pacing, halted just as quickly. “I thought he loved me. I thought he wanted to marry me.”

Mattie’s wise eyes stared into hers. “You were wrong, of course.”

“He asked me to be his mistress.” Bella buried her face in her hands. “I’m so ashamed. No.
No.
Not ashamed.” She dropped her hands and pounded her fists in the air. “I’m angry.”

“You gave in to him?” Mattie’s question held no judgment, just curiosity. And maybe a little sympathy.

Bella threw herself back into her chair. “No.”

“Then why all this anger?”

“I believed his lies, all of them, I never once doubted him, even when it was clear his stories weren’t matching up with his actions.”

Mattie laughed, a condescending sound that made Bella feel as if she was twelve years old again. “You think you’re the first? Women are notoriously foolish in the face of pretty words and false promises. And I’m sure viscounts have their charm.”

Bella’s frustration rose, probably because she wasn’t convincing Mattie of her obvious sin and resulting darkness in her soul. “You don’t understand. He was married.”

“You’re not shocking me, dear.” Mattie stretched out her leg and nudged Bella’s foot with the toe of her shoe. “Any woman who looks like you is bound to have men fall in love with her. And for most men, marriage is not a deterrent in the face of such beauty.”

Unimpressed with Mattie’s summation, Bella scoffed at the ridiculous notion. “Marriage is sacred. No matter what anyone says, I know the truth. I ruined a marriage.”

“I thought you said you didn’t give in to him, so technically—”

“I was tempted. But instead of standing firm in my convictions, instead of refusing him outright, I ran away. I ran here.”

Mattie gave her a funny look, glanced over her head and then released an odd, calculating smile. “Let me see if I have this straight.” She tapped a finger against her
lips. “A married man asked you to be his mistress but instead of accepting you ran to your brother for safety?”

The calmly spoken words hit Bella like a slap. “Don’t you see? That makes me a coward.”

“In my estimation,” Mattie glanced up again, “that makes you the bravest person I know.”

Bella snorted.

Mattie glanced over her head,
again.
“Do you still love this viscount?”

She thought of Shane then, how he treated her with respect and honor. She thought of his patience, his integrity. How he made her feel safe and important, and very, very special. With Shane she was simply Bella, a woman worthy of acceptance for herself. Not Isabella, the famed opera singer worthy of nothing more than a role as mistress in any man’s life.

Mattie nudged her foot again. “You haven’t answered my question. Do you still love your viscount?”

“I couldn’t love a man who thought that little of me.”

“That’s not an answer.”

Shrugging, Bella reached into the front pocket of her skirt. “William has been sending me letters, begging me to return to England and the cozy ‘setup’ he has planned for us. These latest ones, I can’t open them. It would be a betrayal to Sha—” She cut her own words off before she revealed her heart. There were some secrets Bella would never reveal to Mattie, or anyone else.

Tight-lipped, she handed the letters to Mattie. “Will you dispose of them for me?”

Staring at the papers in Bella’s outstretched hand,
Mattie remained firmly planted in her chair. “I’m confused. Who would you betray by reading those letters?”

“No one.” Bella jabbed the envelope in the air between them. “Take them. Please.”

At last, Mattie snatched up the letters and leaned back in her chair. “You’re a brave girl, Bella O’Toole, but you can’t hide your feelings as well as you think.”

“What do you mean by that?” Bella snapped. She wasn’t in the mood for one of the madam’s infamous word games.

“You’re in love all right.” Mattie wagged the letters at her. “And I’d wager my house the viscount isn’t the one holding your heart.”

Bella gave a noncommittal shrug. Mattie saw too much. With a little encouragement she would turn Bella’s feelings for Shane into something sordid.

Still grinning, Mattie glanced at a spot over Bella’s head, again, the fourth time if Bella was counting. Which she was.
What was the madam up to now?

Sensing they weren’t alone anymore, Bella looked over her shoulder and saw Shane standing in the doorway.

Frozen inside her shock, she wanted to howl in outrage and then,
and then,
she wanted to snatch Mattie off her chair and shake her.

It was painfully clear what the ornery madam had been up to with all her questions of love. She had known Shane was standing behind Bella.

Marshaling as much grace as she could, Bella rose and turned to face Shane eye-to-eye. This was not a time
for pleasantries, so she moved straight to the point. “How long have you been standing there?”

His stricken expression answered her question. “Long enough.”

S
hane didn’t know what was worse. To discover Bella was yearning for a man she left behind in London or that she had shared her secret with Mattie Silks.

Either way, his greatest fear was realized. He’d fallen for a woman who longed for another man, just as his mother had pined for Peter Ford his entire childhood. And so the vicious cycle continued.

He turned to leave.

“Shane, wait.”

He halted midstep but didn’t turn back around. He couldn’t look into her eyes now. Not with the knowledge of her love for another man standing between them.

He knew he had no right, but jealousy ran hot in his veins.

“Please.” Her voice came out very small, very sad. “Let me explain.”

For a maddening second, his heart pounded with ex
pectation. But he gave a one-shoulder shrug and distanced himself from her with a step forward. “You owe me no explanation.”

“Oh, but I do.” He heard her footsteps approach. Then her hand touched his back. Her fingers felt like ice through his jacket.

Clearing her throat, Mattie moved to his other side. “I think I’ll go check on, oh, I don’t know…something.”

She brushed past him, turned, then gave him an encouraging look wrapped inside years of experience. “Hear her out,” she said, a bit misty-eyed. “You might be surprised what she reveals.”

She squeezed his hand then hurried off. Shane could only stare in amazement. An infamous madam playing matchmaker? That was too much even for his open mind.

With great effort he turned on his heel and entered the room. With each step he took, Miss O’Toole backed out of his way. The trepidation in her eyes made him wonder if she was afraid of him, or frightened of what he might say.

Better and better.

“You have nothing to fear from me,” he said. “I’m the last person to judge you.”

Shame flooded her eyes and she bowed her head. “I never wanted you to know what brought me here.”

“You mean…
who.
”

She visibly cringed. “Yes, who.” Head down, she shuddered again. “But you must believe me when I say I didn’t know he was married.”

Neither had Shane’s mother known Peter Ford was
married, at first. “What do you want me to say to you, Bella?”

Slowly, she lifted her head. Her eyes pleaded with him to understand, to forgive. “Tell me you don’t hate me.”

How could he?
He was so far from that emotion his heart hurt. “I don’t hate you.”

She released a sigh. “But you think less of me.”

Ah, a moment of truth. Dark emotions rose within him, anger so deep, so penetrating it battled with his hope for a future with this woman. Nevertheless, the truth could not be avoided, at least not in his own mind. He’d found a woman that made him want to risk love for the first time in his life. And he feared her heart belonged to another man.

No, he didn’t judge her. He judged himself.

When he continued staring at her in silence, she shook her head. “Why are you so stoic? Tell me I’m bad, rant at me, call me a name.”

“To what purpose?”

She rushed to him, gripped his hands. He hated how good her hands felt wrapped around his, hated how much he wanted to believe in her.

“I didn’t give in to temptation, Shane. I ran. Isn’t that worth something?”

“Yes, Bella, it is. But it doesn’t matter in the end. All that really matters is what you do in the future.” He took a deep breath and braced himself for the most important question of all. “Are you still in love with him?”

“No!”

He didn’t believe her. She’d answered too quickly, as
his mother had always done when he’d held her head in his lap after she’d spent hours crying over Peter Ford.

He will come. He will come,
she chanted over and over again.

He never did.

And then she’d say: it doesn’t matter.
I don’t love him. I don’t love him.

But she did.

“You don’t believe me.” Her hand flew to her throat and her fingers fiddled with the pendant around her neck.

Shane’s heart went numb. “Did he give you that?”

She dropped the gold chain at once. “Yes, but I—”

Shane lifted a hand to stop the rest of her words. No matter what she said, if she still wore the man’s necklace she still cared. “No, Bella, don’t continue. I don’t want to hear any more. I know. I
know
what this is about.” He shut off all emotion. “I think it best I renew my search for a qualified assistant, beginning today.”

Her eyes filled with tears. She swiped at them with the back of her wrist. “Are you dismissing me?”

“Yes.”

“Have I done a poor job for you?”

“No. You’ve been competent.”
Wonderful. Exemplary. An answer to prayer.

“Don’t hold this against me, Shane. Let me continue as your assistant. At least with your patients in the brothels and mining camps. I know I’m tainted, so I won’t go near the Charity House children again.”

Is that what she thought? That he was dismissing her because she was soiled? “It’s not that, Bella. The
children of Charity House have seen much worse in their own mothers.”

“Then what is it? Why dismiss me now? You have so much on your mind not to accept my help. You need me to pick up some of the duties so you can work on a solution to your father’s stipulation in his will.”

His father’s will. Shane had nearly forgotten about that ugly little mess. In the span of days, his past had come back to haunt him through both his dead father
and
his dead mother. But it was the hazy memories of his mother’s hopeless face that gave him the courage to speak the truth. “You’re right. I do need your help, but I can’t rely on you indefinitely. Eventually you will leave and return to the stage.”

“Please, Shane.” She pulled his hand to her face, fitted his palm against her cheek. “Let me continue working with you.” Her eyes asked for more from him.

Staring into her beautiful, shattered gaze he knew he would give in to her plea. Not because she asked it of him, but because he couldn’t bear to say goodbye to her yet.

In that moment, sadly enough, he understood his mother better. He now realized how the smallest spark of encouragement could make a person act against logic.
I don’t love her. I don’t love her.

But he did.

“All right, Bella. I will see you Monday morning as usual.” He turned to go, but pivoted back around as a thought occurred to him. “And, Bella, for what it’s worth.” He paused, hesitant to continue.

“Yes?”

“Temptation is not the same as sin.”

Her face crumbled. “Jesus taught that the thought is equal to the act.”

“Yes, that’s why the thought must be surrendered to the Lord the moment it occurs.”

“What are you trying to say?” The flicker of hope in her eyes made him feel strong, powerful. He wanted to ease this woman’s pain, a woman who would always love another man. What did that say about him? It said he was more like his mother than he wanted to admit.

“You haven’t sinned, Bella.” He held her gaze, willing her to hear what he was saying. “Not yet.”

The next morning, Bella stood outside the Charity House church. Thanks to a sleepless night, her eyes felt gritty and every muscle in her body ached. But she would not use her physical discomfort as an excuse to avoid God any longer.

She had to stop running. And if she didn’t attend church today, she feared she never would.

She fingered the locket around her neck. It felt heavy, like a shackle that couldn’t be removed with a simple tug.

Lord, please help me walk through those doors. Help me to put You first today.

Maybe then, once she’d realigned her priorities in the proper order, she would be able to remove her gold-chained albatross. Yes. She was sick of her self-absorption, sick of allowing William’s ugly motives to cause her any more shame. It was time to put her Lord
first. Today, she would forget her past, forget her worries over Shane and simply worship her Father in Heaven.

As she began her ascent, each step became more difficult. To an outside observer her slow progress must look ridiculous.

She turned to leave. And came face to face with Shane.

“Going somewhere?”

“No, I… Yes. That is, I…”

“The entrance is facing the other way.” His tone was incredibly gentle, the tone he used with his most frightened patients.

Could he read her panic? Did that mean he forgave her? Could one day make such a difference? Could she possibly think in anything other than a question?

“I—”

“Would you allow me to escort you inside?”

Glory…
glory,
but she saw genuine respect in his eyes, as though he knew how hard it was for her to enter God’s House.

“Please.”

Smiling, he placed his hand on her elbow and swung her around. With a quick repositioning, he tucked her arm under his and drew her closer to him.

She felt incredibly protected.

Best of all, he was still smiling.

Truly, the man was incredibly handsome when he smiled. The simple gesture softened all those sharp planes and angles. She cast a covert look at him from under her eyelashes. He was dressed in his usual uniform of black pants, black waistcoat and black jack
et, but today his hair was pressed down in place. He looked far too handsome for a country doctor.
He’d put any leading man to shame.

She was so caught up in studying Shane she almost forgot to be nervous about entering God’s House. Almost.

The moment their feet crossed the threshold she wavered. He pulled her tighter against him. A show of solidarity, much like she’d done when they’d faced Mr. Wilson together in his office two days ago.

Bella relaxed. A little.

Shane led her to the back pew. As she settled in next to him, she folded her hands in her lap and looked straight forward.

She could do this.

Her hands started to tremble.
How
was she going to do this? Would people be able to read her sin in her eyes?

Did her iniquities show on her face?

Men and women, some familiar, some strangers, nodded at them as they passed by, but none made an attempt to sit in the pew with them.

Surely it wasn’t because of her?

As though hearing her thoughts, Shane leaned toward her and spoke in a whisper. “I always sit in the back, in case I have to leave quickly. Part of being a doctor.”

“Is that why no one joins you in this pew?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment. “I never thought about it, but yes, I suppose so.”

People continued to file down the center aisle and Bella dared to watch the door to see who might show up today. She was quickly rewarded with the sight of
the Scott family. Ten-year-old Molly led the way, marching quickly down the aisle, her head held high. Her father rushed after her, probably trying to ensure she didn’t do something outrageous in the short distance to their seats.

Bella’s father had done the same with her. Little Molly Scott was a girl after Bella’s own heart.

Mrs. Scott walked slower, more serenely, with Ethan by her side. The little boy looked at Shane, peered around him and caught sight of Bella. He waved his hand and yelled, “Miss Bella! Hi, Miss Bella.”

Bella waved back. “Hello, Ethan.”

Over her shoulder, Katherine Scott smiled at Bella, nodded to Shane then stopped. She scooted Ethan forward and told him to join his father.

Satisfied her son was going to obey, she leaned over the adjoining pew and said, “I know this is an unusual time to ask, but would you two care to join us for Sunday dinner today? We haven’t really had a chance to thank you for all you’ve done for Ethan and the Charity House orphans.”

Bella sat up straighter. Sunday dinner with the Scott family? She wasn’t sure she could take church and the quintessential, perfect family all in one day.

Shane looked to Bella, an encouraging smile on his face. “Do we dare?”

“I don’t know. I—”

“Ethan would be devastated if you said no,” Mrs. Scott added.

Bella relaxed. “Well, we wouldn’t want to disappoint the poor boy.”

“Is that a yes?”

Bella nodded slowly. “It’s a yes for me.”

The other woman lifted a brow at Shane. He grinned at her. She grinned back. Bella’s stomach clutched. The two had a connection that she didn’t quite understand. It wasn’t exactly like brother and sister, but—

“Yes for me, too,” Shane said over her thoughts.

Pleasure filled the other woman’s eyes. “Wonderful.” She swiveled around and continued toward her family.

Once everyone settled into their seats, Beau walked to the front of the church. As one, the congregation stood and opened their hymnals as he directed.

For a moment, Bella closed her eyes and allowed the words to wash over her. By the second stanza, she joined in the song. Immediately, her heart lifted with her voice and she focused all her praise on her good God this glorious day.

Sensing others staring at her, she opened her eyes and noticed the people closest to her sneaking glances her way.

“Am I singing too loudly?” she whispered to Shane.

He shook his head. “No.” He squeezed her hand. “You’re lovely. I mean…your singing is lovely.”

All that intensity and emotion thrown her way gave her encouragement to continue. When the song was done, everyone sat.

Beau caught her eye, smiled and then gave her the big-brother look that meant he was about to challenge her to a dare.

Bella swallowed.
Oh, no, Lord, please no.

“I have a treat for all of us. My sister has agreed to sing ‘Amazing Grace’ for us.”

“I did no such thing,” she muttered.

“You can do this,” Shane said softly.

“No, I can’t.”

“You
need
to do this.” He closed his fingers over hers. “Trust God.”

Trust. Her breath turned frigid in her lungs. Why was it the big things in life always came down to trust?

Knowing Shane was right, she slowly rose and made her way to the front of the church.

All eyes were on her. Oddly nervous for a woman who had performed before packed houses, she kept her gaze glued to the pulpit straight ahead.