Luckiest Bastard (Bastard #1.5) (2 page)

Chapter Three

Carter

I feel like a total prick when Indiana rolls over in a huff and exhales an exasperated breath. I can’t even explain what just happened, because the truth is, I have no fucking clue. All I know is the minute she latched onto my cock and started to stroke me, sheer panic ran through me. Maybe it’s because of the guilt at what I’ve gone and done behind her back. I’m pretty sure that’s what it is. I’ve fucked up. In my heart I know it.

Before all the dramas surrounding Eve’s birth, I wanted a heap of kids. A whole football team. Not anymore. Not now that I know the risks that can come with it. I don’t want my wife, my child, or myself, to ever go through anything like that again. I can’t risk it. I just can’t. I wouldn’t survive it.

What worries me the most though, is losing Indiana. They say things come in waves of three. I nearly lost her to the tumour, then again giving birth to Eve. The logical side of me needed to do something to eliminate that number three. I’m not sure if I could go on without her. She’s my air.

Rolling onto my side, I pull her body against mine. Her back is now flush with my front. “I love you,” is all I say as I place a kiss on her hair. She doesn’t answer or snuggle in closer like she usually does, so I tighten my grip. I hate how I’ve upset her. Hurting her is the last thing I ever want to do.

She has every right to be angry with me, even more so when I finally pluck up the courage to confess what I’ve done. My only hope is that she can forgive me for not discussing it with her first. Truth is, I couldn’t. Once I made up my mind, I had to go through with my plans. I couldn’t give her the opportunity to talk me out of it, because she probably would have.

“I love you, too,” she finally replies, and I breathe a sigh of relief.

Please let her understand the reasons behind the choices I’ve made.

•

Indiana

As the next few weeks pass, I notice Carter withdraw further and further into himself. He tries to hide it, but I know him better than he thinks. Something is going on inside that gorgeous head of his, and I need to find out what.

He puts on a smile and goes about life as normal, but when he doesn’t realise I’m watching him, I can see the torment on his face. It breaks my heart. We need to sit down and have a good talk, but things have been crazy around here. Trying to look after a newborn and two active boys, as well as overseeing things at the veterinarian clinic, is hard work. I’m exhausted.

Carter helps out when he can, but he’s been pretty flat out too. Not only does he have his own shop to contend with, but he and Jax have finally got the tattoo parlour franchise up and running. They have over thirty stores now, state-wide. Next week they’re flying up to Queensland to check out some new sites so they can expand their business interstate. They’re hoping to be spread all over Australia within the next year.

I’m so proud of everything he has accomplished. Maybe it’s just the stress of the business that’s taking its toll on him, maybe it’s something else. My gut tells me it’s the latter. Things have been weird between us.

Sure he still loves me, I can see that, but since the birth of Eve, things aren’t the same. He’s somewhat reserved and distant. I haven’t tried to make a move on him since that night he stopped me. Believe me, I want to. I want to so much, I’m aching inside. I ache for him, for that connection we once shared. I’m scared though. I’m scared of being rejected again.

What worries me the most is that damn calendar hanging on the fridge. Not one marking. I look at it every day hoping to see that familiar red cross he used to put on the date as we counted down the six weeks until we could have each other again, but nothing, zero, zip. Every morning when I check, I have to fight back the tears. What is happening to us? Why have things suddenly changed?

•

Carter

Our parents are looking after the kids while Indi drops me off at the airport. I hate that I’m going to Queensland without them. I’m so fucking torn. Jax and I are partners, so this is something we need to do together, but leaving my family alone for three days doesn’t sit well with me at all.

It wasn’t feasible to drag them with me, and I know our parents will help Indi while I’m gone, but being apart from them is going to kill me. It’s only three days I keep telling myself. Who am I kidding? Three days away from my other half and my kids is going to feel like a damn eternity.

Jax and I are going to be on the road for most of the time, scoping out new sites for the franchises. Plus Jax has set up a few meetings with potential clients, as well as a few building companies so we can start the renovations once we’ve secured the locations. All our shops have identical interiors and shop fronts to keep with the branding. We’re very fussy about the kind of people we want owning our franchises. It’s our reputation that’s on the line if we put in someone who’s not suitable, someone who won’t work to our high standards.

Indi doesn’t say much on the drive to the airport. It’s unusual for her. It worries me. I hate this damn cloud that’s hovering over us. The longer I keep my secret, the harder I’m finding it to come clean. I’m worried what her reaction is going to be. I’m petrified that she won’t understand, or worse, won’t be able to forgive me.

“Are you okay, babe?” I ask, reaching over the centre console to grasp her hand. We’re in the Monaro. We don’t get to drive this much now with the kids. I’d never sell it though. I love this fucking car.

“I’m fine,” she replies, turning her face towards me and forcing out a smile. I know she’s not fine, but I don’t call her out on it. Instead, I tighten my grip on her hand. I hate how what I’ve done is coming between us. I need to man up and tell her, but not now. It will have to wait until I get back. The sooner I come clean, the sooner we can move past it and get back to where we were. I fucking miss her.

We only have one more week to go before the six weeks is up. I need to get this shit sorted so I can be with my wife again. I fucking crave her. I always will.

We finally reach the airport and I pull the car into the drop-off bay, switching off the ignition. I want to spend a few more minutes with my girl. My plane doesn’t leave for another hour. I’m flying out from Newcastle Airport, at Williamtown. It didn’t make sense to drive all the way down to Sydney when we have an airport right here. Jax is still living in Sydney, so he flew out earlier today.

After removing my seatbelt, I turn to face Indi. Christ she’s beautiful. She still takes my breath away after all this time. “I’m gonna miss you,” I say, reaching out to stroke my hand down the side of her face. My stomach drops when I see tears well in her stunning green eyes.

“Are you going to miss me?” she asks, tilting her face down. The sadness and uncertainty I hear in her voice breaks my heart. When I see a tear fall from her eye and land on her jeans, a lump rises to my throat. I fucking hate myself for upsetting her. This whole mess is my fault.

“Hey,” I say, placing my hand under her chin and raising her head. “Of course I’m going to miss you. I love you, Indiana.” When I see another tear fall, I pull her into my arms.

“What’s happening to us, Carter?” she cries into my chest.

Nothing.
Nothing’s happening to us. I did something stupid, but it doesn’t change how I feel about her. My love for her will never die. Can’t she see that? I’m just scared. I’m scared to tell her the truth, because I’m not sure how she’s going to take it. I don’t want to disappoint her. I’d fucking hate it if she thought less of me because of what I’ve done.

“Why would you ask that?” Even though I already know the answer. I hold her close as I await her reply.

“Something’s going on between us. You’re pulling away from me. Please talk to me. I don’t want to lose you.”

Fuck.
This is worse than I thought.

Pulling back, I cup her pretty face in my hands. “You’re never going to lose me, Indi. Fucking
never
. Please don’t ever think that.”

“Well talk to me. Tell me what’s going on, and don’t you dare say nothing.” I can’t hold back the smile when she narrows her eyes at me. I’ll never tire of her spunk.

Everything in me wants to confess right now, but it’s not the time. I can’t drop a bombshell on her like this, then walk away and get on a plane.

“Can we talk when I get back? I don’t want to do this now. Not when I’m about to leave you for three days.”

“But—” I cut her off by placing my finger over her lips.

“Please. Now’s not the time for this. See if our parents will take the kids for the night when I get back. We can go out. Just like old times. Just the two of us. We need some alone time, Indi.”

“I’d like that,” she says, a small smile playing on her lips.

“I’d like that too. As much as I love our kids, I miss you. I miss what we had before we became parents.” What I miss more than anything, is our marathon sex sessions. Now all we seem to manage is a quickie when the kids aren’t around, or when they’re asleep. If I’m not sneaking into her work during the day between clients, she’s sneaking into mine. Most days we spend our lunch breaks upstairs in the apartment, screwing each other’s brains out.

“Me too,” she says as her hand rises and skims over my hair. I pull her towards me, covering her mouth with mine. It’s been weeks since I’ve kissed her like this. Sure I still kiss her, but it’s more like a lingering peck, nothing hot and heavy. It’s the guilt, I’m consumed by it.

She moans into my mouth as her hands clench in my shirt and she pulls me closer. I feel my cock going hard.
Shit.
What I wouldn’t give to be buried inside her heavenly pussy right now. I’m craving her. It’s all I’ve been thinking about for weeks.

I haven’t been marking it on the calendar at home because I’ve been feeling guilty about what I’ve done, but you can be sure as hell I’ve been keeping track of the days on my phone. I can’t wait to have her again, but I need to confess first.

We make out for a few more minutes before I reluctantly pull out of the kiss and rest my forehead against hers. We’re both a little breathless. “Three days. How am I going to survive three fucking days without you?” I whisper.

“I miss you already,” she admits, making me smile.

“I miss you, too. Come with me. Call our parents and see if they’ll watch the kids for the next three days.”

“I can’t. I’m still breastfeeding Eve, remember?”

“Fuck.”

“You’d better get going. You’ll miss your flight.”

“Are you trying to get rid of me now?” I ask with a chuckle.

“Never. The quicker you leave, the quicker you’ll be home again.”

•

I have a heavy heart when the plane touches down in Queensland. I thought about Indi all the way here. I hate how I made her cry earlier. I hate that she’s having uncertainties about us. I’m also worried about how I’m going to break the news to her when I get home. I pray she doesn’t take it as bad as I think she’s going to.

After stowing my suitcase in my room, I head towards Jax’s suite. I texted him before I got on the plane. We organised to go out for dinner tonight. We’re staying on the same hotel floor, but in different rooms. That fucker snores like a damn freight train. I wasn’t gonna put up with that shit for three days. No fucking way. I’m already sleep deprived because we have a newborn.

“Hey cocksucker,” I say when he opens the door. I’m taken aback by the look on his face. He looks like he’s been caught out. What’s he up to?

“What?” he replies when I narrow my eyes at him. I don’t explain. Instead, I push him aside and enter his room. There’s something going on here I know it. When I hear the shower running, the pennies drop. That fucker has someone here with him.

“You’ve been here, what
…
two hours,” I say looking down at my watch and shaking my head, “and you’ve already picked up?”

He chuckles at my observation. “No, dipshit. I actually brought someone with me.”

“You did not,” I scoff, because I don’t believe that for a second. That’s not Jax’s style. He’s a manwhore. He hasn’t had a girlfriend for as long as I’ve known him.

“I fucking did, cock,” he retorts, reaching out to punch me in the arm.

“Who?” His smug expression changes when I question him, and it puzzles me. “Fuck. You have a girlfriend?” I ask in disbelief when he doesn’t say anything else. My suspicions only rise when he doesn’t deny it, but instead rubs the back of his neck nervously and diverts his eyes. I’m still calling bullshit on this one.
That, or hell has frozen over.

“Carter,” I hear a female voice say from behind me. I turn around and the first thing I see is bright pink hair. Holy fuck, Candice. She’s standing just inside the bathroom door, wrapped in only a towel. Well I’ll be fucking damned. When the hell did this happen?

Chapter Four

Carter

The next three days seem like the longest of my fucking life. As busy as Jax and I were, my family was on my mind constantly. It was killing me being away from them. Indi and the boys would FaceTime me every morning and night, but it wasn’t enough. All I wanted to do was get home.

I couldn’t contain my excitement when the plane finally touched down in Newcastle. Words can’t describe how fucking happy I was to find Indiana and the kids waiting for me in the baggage claim area. Jaxson and Levi immediately came running towards me as soon as they saw me. I pulled them both into my arms and swung them around, causing them to laugh.

“Daddy,” they both squealed with excitement. I’d missed my boys so much.

“I’ve missed you, Daddy,” Jaxson says as his grip around my neck tightens. Although he looks like his mum, he has my personality. He’s deep, and super sensitive.

“I’ve missed you too, champ,” I reply as I ruffle his hair.

“I love you,” he adds, bringing a smile to my face.

“I love you too, buddy.”

“Did you bring us back a present?” Levi chimes in, making me chuckle. He does a little fist pump when I nod my head. See how different the boys are? Levi is so easy going, and a real momma’s boy. He follows her everywhere.

After kissing them both, I place them on the floor and set my sights on my girls. My heart starts to race when Indiana’s eyes lock with mine. She’s pushing Eve in the pram as she makes her way towards us. The moment she’s in front of me, I drop my carry-on bag to the ground and pull her into my arms.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I whisper into her hair as I squeeze her tight. Her familiar flowery scent has an immediate calming effect on me.

“I’ve missed you too, Carter. I’m so glad you’re home.” Pulling back, I cup her pretty face in my hands before placing my lips on hers. I’ve being dying to do this from the moment I left her at the airport three days ago.

Of course I don’t kiss her like I want to. I don’t give a shit that we’re in a public place, but the boys are watching us. I can’t wait to get her alone. The kids are staying with our parents tonight, but I needed to see them first. That’s why Indi brought them with her to the airport.

When I finally let my wife go, I pull the top back on the pram so I can see my baby girl. She’s sound asleep, but I need to hold her. Removing the blanket that covers her, I gently lift her into my arms, careful not to wake her. She looks so sweet all dressed in pink. I feel my lips curve into a smile as I hug her to my chest and look down at her angelic face. It’s only been three days, but I swear she’s grown.

•

Indiana

Now that Carter’s home, I feel whole again. While he was away, I missed him like you wouldn’t believe. Things just don’t seem the same when he’s not around. It’s like a piece of me is missing.

After we drop the kids at our parents’, we head back home. It’s going to feel weird not having them with us tonight, but I’m looking forward to some alone time with my husband. I’m also apprehensive. I know we’re going to have our talk, and I’m a little concerned to hear what he has to say.

“Do you mind if we head to the Surfhouse first?” he asks, reaching across the seat and grabbing hold of my hand. “I made an early reservation for 5:30 pm. The sooner we eat, the sooner I can get you home,” he adds with a wink. I love that he thought ahead and made reservations at
our
restaurant. It will always be our special place, since it was where we got married.

“It hasn’t been six weeks yet,” I remind him.

“I know, it’s been 5 weeks and 4 days, but I called the doctor from the hotel this morning, and he said as long as we don’t overdo it, you’ll be fine.” I’m shocked that he called the doctor, but I’m even more surprised he knows how many days it’s been.

“You’ve been counting?
…
But the calendar
…
”

“I’ve been keeping track on my phone,” he says with a smirk. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me feel.

Carter takes my hand and laces our fingers together when we exit the car at the restaurant. “We’re still going to have that talk tonight, aren’t we?” I ask once the waiter seats us at the table. The mood changes as soon as the words are out of my mouth. As much as I’m dreading this, whatever it is, we need to get it out in the open.

Carter exhales before replying. “Let’s eat first. We can talk later,” is all he says, picking up the menu. Why is he stalling? What is he keeping from me?

•

Carter

By the time our food arrives, I’ve lost my appetite. Why did she have to bring this up now? I’ve been dreading this damn talk all day, well for the past five weeks actually. I need to get it off my chest though so we can work past it. I’m worried how she’s going to take the news. I’m pretty sure, not well.

On the drive home, she brings it up again. Fuck. It’s now or never, I guess. I was kind of hoping to make love to her first. That’s pretty shitty I know, but it’s been over five fucking weeks since I’ve had her. She may not want to come near me after she hears what I have to say.

When we pull up outside the apartment, she doesn’t budge. “Can we go upstairs and talk?”

“No,” she replies, folding her arms across her chest. “I’m not leaving this car until you tell me what the hell is going on. I’ve waited long enough.” Here we go with the attitude. As if I’m not already turned on enough. Her sass gets me every time. I exhale when I realise she’s not going to give in. Fuck she’s stubborn.

“Fine.” I pause while I try to think of the right words. Truthfully, there aren’t any. I’ve thought about this a lot over the past five weeks.
A-fucking-lot.
I guess I need to just tell it like it is. “When Eve was in the hospital I had a vasectomy.” There, I said it. Christ I’m a gutless prick. I can’t even bring myself to look at her.

I continue to stare straight ahead, waiting for her reply, or for her to backhand me
…
anything. All I get is silence. Silence isn’t good. Not when it comes to Indiana. I want her to let me have it. I deserve it. I can’t live with the guilt anymore.

The longer it takes to get a reaction, the more worried I become. It seems like an eternity passes when, in reality, it’s probably only a minute or so. “Say something, babe,” I eventually blurt out. When she still doesn’t reply, I pluck up the courage to finally look her way.

Her head is facing forward, but I can clearly see she’s pissed. Fuck. She has every right to be. I’m now regretting my decision even more. I should’ve talked to her before going ahead with it. At the very least, I should’ve come clean sooner. I’m such a selfish prick sometimes.

•

Indiana

I can’t even find the words to respond to him. I am beyond hurt
…
beyond angry. I can’t believe he’s gone and made such a huge decision without talking to me first.

“Indi, please talk to me,” Carter pleads. He’s got to be fucking kidding me. He wants me to talk to him? I’ve been practically begging him for weeks to open up to me.
Fuck him
. It’s a little late for words now. Words aren’t going to change things, the deed has already been done.

I need to get out of this car before I either cry, or physically hurt him. How could he do this to me, to us, to our family? I need some time to process this information. No, what I need to do is scream, or hit something. Anything to release this inferno that is now raging inside me.

I reach for the door handle and exit the car. “Indi,” Carter calls out, but I ignore him. I can’t even go up to our apartment, so I turn in the other direction and head towards the beach. I need space. I’m not even halfway across the road when Carter’s fingers wrap around my arm, pulling me to a stop. “Don’t run from me. Please, Indi. Talk to me. Scream at me. Anything.”

I angrily tug my arm out of his grip before turning to face him. My temper has now reached boiling point. “Talk,” I scream as I push on his chest with all my might. “Fucking talk. It’s a little late for that, Carter, don’t you think? I thought this marriage was a partnership. Shouldn’t I have some say in whether we have more children?” I shove him again. The tears are falling freely now. I can no longer hold them in. If he hadn’t just confessed to having a vasectomy, I’d be going ninja on his nuts right now.

To be honest, after what happened with Eve, I’m not sure if I could do it again. But now I don’t even have a choice. He stole that from me.
Motherfucker.

•

Carter

This whole situation is fucked up. The delusional part of me actually thought she wouldn’t react as bad as she did. I did say the delusional part. The common sense part of me though, knew she would be angry.
What have I done?

She turns to flee so I reach for her again, pulling her back against me. She’s not getting away from me until we hash this out. I wrap my arms around her waist, holding her back firmly against my chest. “Please hear me out, babe. Please,” I beg. I’m not sure if my explanation is going to cut it, but I need to do something to fix this.

“There’s nothing you can say that will make this better, Carter,” she confesses, before placing her hands over her face, sobbing.

I hate myself right now.