Luke (Bear Shifter) (New World Shifters) (9 page)

Zoe

At first I thought that he was joking. He'd said it so matter-of-factly that the only way I could see to take it was humorously. But when he turned around and walked away, I knew that it was more than just a gag. There was genuine pain in him, I could even see it in the way he strode through the snow, his shoulders sagging, his head hung low, his whole world falling down around him as I watched.

What just happened?

Yes, I'd been bold and perhaps more than a little foolish, but that was who I was. I might be young, but I'd grown up a lot since I had Jake. I promised myself a couple of years ago that I wasn't going to be involved with someone who didn't love me for
me
, and that meant that sometimes I was going to blurt out my thoughts.

So what? I had way too much going on in my life to apologize for who I was, and up until now I just assumed that whoever I ended up with would appreciate my little foibles and flaws and see them as beauty marks instead of moles.

But here I was… In the snow. In the North. With the wind swirling around me and the temperature dropping even further and the man who I'd saved walking away from me, broken and distraught.

I hurried to catch up with Luke. It wasn't hard, since he did such good job of breaking the trail. In a couple of seconds I was beside him again, and now it was my turn to reach up and put my hand on his shoulder, trying to lend him strength and slow him down at the same time so that I could talk to him. “What's going on with you?” I asked.

“Nothing I expect you to understand.”

“You know, it might be in your best interest to not try and be so mysterious all the time. It might help people get to know you if they didn't feel like there was this mystical wall up between you and everyone else.”

“That would be nice, wouldn't it?” Luke asked softly. “But that's exactly the way it is. I can't change it.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I demanded, feeling as though my short fuse was about to finally hit the gunpowder in the middle of me. I was well aware that I had a temper, and he was
this
close to finding out what happened when I finally reached my limit.

“I told you, I don't expect you to understand. Only certain people can mate with Bears. You're not one of them.”

I started to shoot back a response and thought better of it. Finally, I tried again, a bit calmer this time. “How do you know?”

“It’s the magic,” he said. “I was hoping it was wrong, so I’ve been studying you.”

“What, like my soul, or something?”

“In a way. How do you think I knew about your son? You think I just started loving you today, Zoe? It's been weeks, and that's why I investigated you. I asked around. I pieced together what I could and used what magic I could risk to find out the rest. I'm not saying I know your whole life, but I know enough to know that you and I aren’t destined to be together.”

“That's bullshit,” I told him. “I mean, we may not be, but it’s got nothing to do with fate.”

He didn’t answer.

I sighed, shoving him. “So want that? Who cares? What does it matter? If I've got feelings for you and you got feelings for me, isn't that enough?”

“No. Not for me.”

The snow was starting to fall harder. If we stood out here for much longer I’d probably freeze to death, but I was mad enough at him to keep me warm for a little while more. “What if I told you I loved you too?”

“Do you?” he asked. The way he looked at me, the way his eyes caught mine…

It took my breath away and I bit my lip and glanced at the ground. “Just what if I said I did?”

The look on his handsome face was as if I'd just twisted a knife in his side, maybe even wiggled it around a little. “It wouldn't matter,” he told me. “Nothing you can do can change the truth. It's not meant to be. I'm sorry Zoe, I wish that it was. In fact, I want nothing more than for it to be true, but it simply isn't.”

I wanted to hit him. I wanted to run, to pick any direction and just flee. I'd thrown what little chance I had of making enough money to get Jake back away for him, and now he was being so Goddamn stubborn about this that it was infuriating.

I wanted to cry too, but I was never going to let
that
happen. Not in front of him. I'd shed enough tears, and this guy wasn't worth it. My son was, and that was it. “Fine,” I said to him, lining my voice with steel and swallowing hard after the word hit the air.

“Zoe…”

“Don't ‘Zoe’ me,” I snapped at him, giving him a look that had every chance of knocking him dead right where he stood. “Let's just get on with this, okay? You say we have to go to the North and hide, so let's go. Let's walk North. Let's hide. Let’s put our fucking tails between our legs and run, just like you always do.”

I'd gone too far. I saw that right away. As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wished that I could reach out and knock them to the snow before they got to his ears. I hadn't meant it like that. I'd been talking about myself more than him, and the truth was that I hadn't even registered the fact that they’d burn him as deeply as they did.

“Whatever you say,” he told me.

“Luke, I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't talking about your family.”

No, you’re right. I hear you loud and clear.”

“I'm not right,” I said, trying to force a chuckle that came out a strangled, almost garbled sound. I couldn't laugh this off, and my body's attempts to sounded like rocks in my throat. “If you really did watch me for any length of time, you know that much already. I'm never right.”

“You're right about this.”

I didn't know what to say. I watched as he pointed off ahead of us, just to the left of a rise. “There's a river up there,” he told me. “It'll be under ice and snow, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still there. Be careful. I'll show you where to step.”

“And what's on the other side?”

“The place where I sleep,” he said. “I'll never call it home, but it's our destination.”

“All right,” I said, the anger suddenly seeping out of me. He'd hurt me and I'd hurt him, and now all I wanted to do was find a place to lay down where I could close my eyes and lick my wounds.

It was late, and I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. I hadn't meant to lash out like that, but it happened. I felt the wall between us getting higher already, and I didn't doubt that it would get stronger over time as well. For whatever reason, Luke was certain that he and I weren't right for each other, and all I'd done in the last two minutes or so was convince him that he was absolutely right.

We kept walking, and when we got to a wide, flat space with a rise on the other side I knew that we were at the river. I wouldn't have known what it was if he hadn't already told me, but as I carefully stepped across the snow I could see a patch of blue ice here and there beneath the snowdrifts that had piled on top of the surface.

“Be careful,” he warned. “The ice may sustain your weight, but it might not. If you get swept away, you're gone for good.”

Swept away
, I thought, feeling like the river had already grabbed me and pulled me under. Everything I knew was already swept away, and now I was forced to live knowing that there were Bear Shifters and Werewolves and God knew what else running wild in the world, waging their secret war all around us.

And I was caught up in it and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

There were slippery stones set across the river, and I picked my way across them. Once I was on the other side, my heart could go back to beating at its normal rate. That had been terrifying, and even though I watched Luke cross it with practiced adeptness, I worried about what I’d do the next time I had to cross it. Maybe we were at the place where Luke slept now, and maybe I’d sleep here too, but he was right. This wasn't home. Even Barrow wasn't home.

Home was where my son was, and all any of this was doing was cementing that fact in my brain. I missed him desperately, and to have my only ally, the love and light of my life so far away broke my heart in the same way that I felt Luke's was broken by the absence of his family.

“There’s a truck over there,” Luke told me, his deep voice jarring me out of my daydreams. “Up to the left. The keys are in the ignition. If you need to run, that’s the best way to get out of here.”

“I thought we were safe here?”

Luke shrugged. “I'm not taking any chances. I don't think anyone is safe, not anymore.”

“I'm sorry,” I told him again. “I didn't mean to hurt you.”

“It's okay,” he said, a hint of sadness coloring his voice despite the weak smile he tried to wear for my benefit. “I'm used to it.”

An hour later, after Luke built a fire in the cave and the warmth filled it, we ate a meal of red berries he assured me weren't poisonous and freshly grilled fish, washing it down with the cleanest tasting water I’ve ever had.

The fish were from the river, and though Luke had disappeared into the darkness to do the catching, when he brought them back there were teeth marks, too deep and too wide set to have been made by a human mouth, in the flesh of the fish. I hadn't asked, since Luke was obviously over such pleasantries, but I was sure he'd been a Bear when he caught them.

He must have found a place to crack the ice to fish them out, and they tasted amazing. That was all that mattered. The berries were even better, with a lingering burning sweetness that reminded me of spiced wine, and when I wash it down with the ice cold spring water I felt like I’d never eaten this well my entire life.

“That was incredible,” I said. “If this is roughing it, sign me up! Thank you.”

“It's okay,” Luke said. They were the first words we’d spoken since the meal began, and I could tell he was trying to move past his pain. He didn't want to be a stick in the mud, but I could see that he’d hurt too badly and for too long to want that agony to linger.

“How many of the Wolf pack have you killed?” I asked, trying to make small talk and bring his mind away from the fact that he’d confessed his love for me and then immediately stonewalled whatever relationship we might have been able to begin.

“Seven,” he told me, “if we’re counting the three today.”

I thought back, wondering how long Luke had been hunting the Wolf. Three weeks? Four?

“You've been going slow,” I said at last. “One a week or so. That’s smart,” I told him, not wanting him to think I was criticizing him. “I wouldn't have that sort of patience.”

Luke shrugged. “I have to be careful. It’s only me. I grew up with my brothers beside me, and knowing that they were there to back me was… Well, I won’t say it was a crutch, but it's been difficult to adjust to acting on my own. I learned to be patient out of necessity.”

“I guess I’ve ruined that,” I said. “Sorry.”

“It had to end sometime.”

“With these three so close to you killing Everly, there's no way the Wolf pack won’t see you for the threat that you are. They might not know what you look like, but there’s no way they’ll let their guard down anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if they hole up now and stop coming to the bar altogether.”

I would've said more, but the look on Luke's face made me stop. “Is something wrong?” I asked.

“What did you say?”

“I said that they’re going to hole up now. Is that not the right term? I mean, you're a Bear and you’re living in a cave, so I figured the Wolf pack did too. Or are you just being pedantic?”

“Not about that”, he said, waving my words away with one quick, curt gesture of his hand. “Before that. What about Everly?”

“Well, you killed him just a day or two ago, right? And that would've been okay. I mean, it's more than okay for me, I never liked the guy, but now that we have three more bodies near that crevasse to add to the total, Bruno will…”

There was that look again, the one on Luke's face that told me I’d said something important without knowing it.

“I didn't kill Everly,” Luke said.

“
Sure
you didn't,” I told him, giving him a subtle little wink. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

“No really. I've got no reason to bullshit you. I thought Bruno did it…”

I shook my head. “No way. He’s not that good of an actor. Everly’s death shook him bad.”

“You saw the body,” Luke reminded me. “I was on my way to check it out when I found you there, just before Bruno tracked you there. What did you see?”

I shuddered. Everly’s had been the only corpse I'd ever seen up until that point, and even the three Werewolves Luke had killed earlier in the night had just been crumpled forms in the shadows.

Everly was different. I’d looked into his cold, dead eyes. I had even touched his clothes. I could remember brushing up against him. His body felt more like a slab of meat than true flesh. “He was shot between the eyes. Maybe he did it himself. Maybe it was a suicide, and you're in the clear for that one…”

“Did Everly seem like the type of person that would kill himself?”

I shrugged. “Not really, but who does, you know?”

“He didn't,” Luke assured me. “No way.”

I nodded. “You're probably right,” I said, remembering the agonized look on Everly’s face and the way his hands had been clawing at the air. “It looked to me like he’d gone down with a struggle, though it was strange how perfectly placed the bullet wound was. Right between the eyes! I mean, if somebody doesn't want to die, if they’re fighting
that
hard to live, it must be pretty hard to hit the dead center, right?”

“Practically impossible,” Luke agreed.

“So if he didn't kill himself, and he didn't want to die, and it was ‘practically impossible’ for somebody to shoot him like that when he was fighting, what happened?”

“I don't know,” Luke growled, “but I don't like it.”

I popped the last of the fish into my mouth and savored it. There was certainly something to this life. Hunting for your own food, fending for yourself. No rent, no noisy neighbors, no bullshit bosses or shitty customers trying to grab your ass and pull you into their lap. Out here you lived by your wits and your grit, and if you did a good job of that your family did well.

The pull this new life had on me was almost intoxicating.

I looked over at Luke, and saw that he'd been watching me with interest. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” he said. “Your just beautiful. In this shitty little cave, with this crappy little fire, you look somehow manage to look like a queen.”

I sighed. I was flattered of course, but these mixed messages were wearing me out. “But you're still not to have anything to do with me, are you?

“I can't,” he said. “I wish I could, but you're not the one.”

“I think I want to be, though,” I admitted.

Luke smiled sadly and rolled out a sleeping bag for me. “Here is your royal bed, your highness.”

“Not interested in sharing it with me?” I asked.

“
Interested
, yes. It’s not like that, Zoe…”

I made a face and slid into the sleeping bag before zipping it up around me. Once I had, I heard him leave the cave.

The fire burned brightly as the logs that he'd piled up crackled and popped, I tried to fight sleep, wanting instead to use this quiet time to at last to convince myself to just let this thing with Luke go once and for all. Yes, Luke was cute. Fuck that… He was gorgeous, if I had to be honest with myself, and he was kind and he was caring and there was a warm, protective streak in his personality that I found endearing beyond belief.

But it didn’t seem like he was going to let it happen. If I chased him any harder I’d just be a fool for trying. Besides, Luke had already told me point blank that it wouldn't work.

I fell asleep before I could convince myself that I was right.