Lusting (Carnal Sins Of Noah Trilogy #1) (18 page)

Tears formed in her eyes before she looked down and for a brief second, Noah was horrified.

No, no, no! I hate tears. I don’t like seeing them. On anyone. It reminds me of her. The way she cried when dad had died
. And suddenly, he felt drained, his voice raw.

“Just tell me why you would look into my background, Alexis. Are you an undercover agent? Are you in some trouble? Do you need money? What? Whatever it is, I’ll give it to you.”

Her head snapped up, “What?! No!”

Noah stared a hole into her, deciding on whether she was telling the truth and was relieved when he saw that she was.

So there is a God
. He nodded, “Tell me your purpose of snooping into my locked and sealed classified files then. Why are you trying to bring my past to the present?”

She took a deep breath and then stared him in the eyes, tears clinging to her lashes as she uttered softly, “I wanted to prove your innocence. I wanted to free you, Noah.”

Chapter Fifteen

D
amn it!

Her confession slammed into him, taking his breath away and the anger along with it.

Noah stared in shock at the woman in front of him. How she had managed to deactivate his temper with her simple confession, he would never understand.

“What do you mean by proving my innocence? You had to have heard the recorded tape that was enclosed with the file.” He spoke quietly, his eyes searching hers.

I’ve had this conversation with myself too many times to count. There was no way out, I was as guilty as they come
.

Of course he had been very young and didn’t remember much. The little bits and pieces he did remember weren’t enough for him to go on. And then there was the fact that he was diagnosed with PTSD since the death of his father. Noah’s shrink told him it was possible he reacted on the loss of his father by blaming his mother; that he was broken inside. And that’s what he believed. But deep down inside, he’d never
truly felt that way. Somewhere in a locked vault in his brain that he couldn’t access, knew the truth. He didn’t think he blamed her, but he wasn’t sure. He knew he adored her. He cherished her. He loved her.

And I killed her
.

Noah’s heart constricted and he struggled to get air into his lungs, the world darkening around him again. No words could explain the pain he felt every time he acknowledged that sin.

My sin. And I own it with a devastating clarity that tortures and drowns my soul over and over again, refusing to allow it to reach the surface for air or light
.

Alexis reached out for him, but, he threw his hands up, warding her off, “Please don’t.”

I don’t deserve your pity or your sympathy. Can’t you see that? I am unworthy. I am less than nothing. I am darkness itself that surrounds and suffocates everything that’s good
.

Her hands fell to her sides as he tried to calm himself, forcing himself back to his own personal hell on earth. His poisoned soul was stuck inside his empty shell of a body.

“Noah, I knew you were innocent before I listened to the recorded confession. And I believe you know that too. You were just a five -years -old, you didn’t know what you were doing.”

Noah looked at her in earnest and let her see his torment, the walls he built around his heart came crashing down.

“Didn’t I?” He asked, broken. An anguished question that even he didn’t know the answer to.

“Oh, Noah.”

She reached out to him and he didn’t push her away. Her arms wrapped around his waist and she held him.

He couldn’t remember when a person simply just hugged
him. He never allowed his aunt to hug him. He didn’t accept her love, or anyone’s, no matter how much he craved it.

Because he didn’t deserve it.

And I still don’t
.

Noah gently pried Alexis’s arms from him and walked to the front door calling Mack, his security guard through the speaker.

“I won’t send Ryan to jail. But I will have a talk with him.” He told her quietly.

Noah glanced back at her, standing in his clothing and his chest constricted painfully. A wave of possessiveness filled him, screamed at him to make her stay. But he knew she deserved better.

Mack appeared suddenly. “Sir?”

“Please see Ms. Monroe home, safely.” Noah told him and turned to her, the woman that stole his breath away. Her breathing came in short bursts and tears welled in her eyes again. Out the corner of his eye, Noah saw Mack walk quietly out the door, leaving them in peace.

He couldn’t help himself. Noah walked to her, drawn like a magnet and reached up catching a fallen tear with his thumb. “Please don’t cry.” The anguish in his voice was apparent.

She looked away, biting her lip and when she looked back at him, he knew that her eyes would haunt him for the rest of his desolate life. He let his hand fall and it accidentally brushed against her nipple. She inhaled swiftly and jerked as if he physically shocked her. Noah closed his eyes and prayed for control. But, damn she responded perfectly to his touch. He braced for the sudden wave of desire that rocked his body.

God save me! For I’ve never responded like this to anyone
.

And he had more than his fair share of beautiful women. But he knew it was more than Alexis’s beauty that he found so
overwhelming. So irresistible. It was all of her. Her mind, her thoughtfulness, her individual personality.

Looking at her delicious breast once more, he gritted his teeth and headed to his bedroom. “Wait here.”

Noah found what he was looking for, walked out and handed it to her.

“It’s a little cool outside.”

No it’s probably sweltering, but, I don’t want anyone looking at her temping breast
.

She held the hoodie up and then looked back at him with a raised eyebrow.

He loved when she did that. There were no more tears in her eyes. And he was truly grateful for that. He hated to see her hurting.

“You went to Colombia University?” She asked, her voice husky from holding onto the anguish she felt.

He nodded, “Yes.”

Should I tell her? How would she feel knowing how precious this sweatshirt is to me? Will it help her see that she has a special part of me, even when I can’t give her what she really wants? No. I won’t tell her
.

“My mother did too. From 1975 to 1981,” She whispered as she cradled the sweater, before putting it on.

He frowned at that bit of information. His parents were there during that time, as well. But they had graduated in 1979. His frown deepened, then he shook his head. It was probably just a coincidence. One he didn’t see a reason to mention.

When Mack dropped Alexis off, she waved goodbye and entered her apartment. He waited until her door closed behind her and then drove off. And that’s when the waterworks began.

Alexis cried for everything she felt for Noah. She cried for everything Noah went through as a child… what he was going through now. And she cried for everything that would never exist between the two of them.

I’m such a fool!

She knew better than to fall in love with a man who was dead set against any type of affection, other than sexual pleasure. A man who had never allowed himself to be cared for. A man who’s heart was colder than the bottom of the Arctic Ocean. But she didn’t listen. Did she? Her heart didn’t take those notes.

Alexis shrugged away from the door and sullenly walked over, collapsing on her couch. She grabbed her remote and streamed music through iTunes. Music always made her feel better. The first song came on and her heart dropped to the empty pit of her stomach. It was a happy love song.

Tears blurred her eyes.

Oh No! I can’t do this. Can’t listen to this
.

Alexis hurriedly skipped the song and another song began immediately.

Fuck!

A sad love song.

I can’t do this one either
.

Alexis pushed the power button, turning the music off and rummaged through her purse for her iPod. Finding it, she scrolled through her playlist, as she put the ear pods into her ears.

Ah! This will do
.

Late 80’s rock always made her feel numb, cold…better. She relaxed on the couch and lost all sense of her surroundings, the time and herself; giving into the potent pulse of the music.

I’ll survive. I always do
.

Noah’s head had been on the door she left out of, for what seemed like hours; but, he knew it had only been a few minutes.

He felt that she took what was left of his soul with her.

I should go after her. Explain everything to her and maybe she’ll understand
.

But he didn’t go after her. It would only hurt her more. He’d hurt her more, if she knew who he was deep down inside. He’d scare her away even more.

Noah dragged himself away from the door and stumbled to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. A very strong one.

Yes, Macallan 1946 will do
.

He only drank this on special occasions…when he was in a black mood. I’ve had a lot of those lately. Too many to keep up with. He kept his stock of this scotch whiskey full. It was his father’s favorite. Noah took a swift drink and poured another to help the pain go away. Alexis’s spoken words trampled through his head.

‘I wanted to prove your innocence. I wanted to free you, Noah.’

Fuck!

She was too innocent. He couldn’t be what she needed him to be. He should just forget her. Like she will probably forget me.

But deep inside the remnants of his battered and frozen heart, he acknowledged that he didn’t want her to forget him. Ever.

Downing another drink, his mind made up, Noah headed to his home office, right outside the living room and began working, in an attempt to forget ever meeting Alexis Monroe.

He knew it was Sunday and technically everyone was off, but, he needed to keep busy…so he put his staff to work.
Let them hate me. I don’t give a fuck
. He set up meetings, talked with his investor and went through his schedule with Sasha, his personal assistant. But, no matter what he did, he couldn’t get those hurt brown eyes out of his head.

I hope she’s doing ok
.

Noah looked down at his watch. 6:43 p.m.

He wondered what she was doing...if she was thinking about him.

Get over it Kane. There's plenty of fish in the sea
.

Yes, but not like her
. The devil on his shoulder snickered.

Fuck me!

Elbows on the desk, Noah put his head in his hands.

Why didn't he listen to his instincts? Every one of them warned him not to get involved with her. That she was too good for him.

The angel to his demon.

The heaven to his hell.

But he didn’t listen. He had to taste her, had to get a glimpse of what pure bliss felt like. It’s the closest he would ever get to heaven.

And it was heaven. Intoxicating. Addictive. Special.

And he pushed her away. She hated him now. He knew it with every fiber of his being. And he was never wrong.

But it's good. She can do so much better than me. I am nothing
.