Mad Addiction (Crazy Beautiful #2) (25 page)

But I’m so fucked up over everything that’s happened the only way I know how to react is to snap. “You don’t know shit about me.”

Most people would leave at this point, but Lucas knows me well enough not to be bothered by my rare outbursts. “Well, well. Look whose turn it is to be heartbroken.” He turns toward Kinsley saying, “Sorry, babe—I’m glad we’re good now,” before grinning back at me. He must be referring to the fact he couldn’t get out of bed when Kinsley kicked his ass to the curb last year.

“Fuck you. At least I’m not pretending to be sick like some kind of pussy. The door’s over there, asshole.”

Lucas just laughs. “Payback’s a bitch.”

I glare at him before Kinsley steps between us. “Ok guys, put ‘em back in your pants.” She presses a quick kiss to Lucas’ lips before saying, “How about you go wait in the car? I’ll be right down.”

Luc looks like he wants to protest, but nods in agreement before heading out the door. Before he leaves he calls back, “I know how much you must be hurting so I’m going to forgive you for being such a dick. But you better be nice to my wife or I’ll have to kick your ass.”

I grunt as the door closes behind him. I try to avoid Kinsley’s stare. Lucas I can deal with, but Kinsley? I have a feeling she knows how to see right through me.

She plops down on the couch next to me before joking, “So that whole control thing . . . it’s working out well for you I see.”

I chance glancing over to her, and see she’s trying not to laugh. I throw my head back against the couch. “Shit.” I look back to her before admitting, “It’s fucking harder than it looks.”

“Trust me, I know. You’re preaching to the choir with that one.”

“So what am I supposed to do? This fucking sucks.”

Kinsley chews her lip as if contemplating what to say. Finally she simply states, “You decide to let go. It’s scary at first, but you learn it’s not so bad. And it’s worth it if it means you finally get what you want.”

“And what if what you want is also what scares the shit out of you?” I ask, dead serious.

“That’s usually how you know it’s something really good. What scares us makes us stronger, right?” I shrug, not sure what to say. Kinsley’s voice gets softer before continuing, “Look, Luc told me you haven’t had the easiest past, and trust me I know what it’s like to feel like you’re defined by all the shitty things you went through; like that means you deserve a shitty life. But it doesn’t have to be that way, Ry. You just need to confront the past and realize it doesn’t have to control your future.”

She squeezes my shoulder before getting up to leave. I know what she’s saying is probably really fucking smart, but for some reason all I can focus on is her talking about confronting the past. In my irritated state, I suddenly have the urge to not only confront my past, but punch it in the fucking balls.

Two hours later I’m pulling up to a huge house three towns over. It only took a quick internet search to find out where Richard Blake lives, and knowing he’s lived so close this whole time without ever trying to contact me or my sister only fuels my determination to face him.

I ring the doorbell and shove my hands in my pockets, steeling myself so I don’t completely lose my shit.

A few seconds later the door opens to reveal an older looking man in khaki pants and a blue button up shirt. I catch a whiff of bourbon and am immediately transported back to my ten-year-old self. I’ve pictured my dad’s face many times over the years—how I thought I remembered it—and am surprised to see it is spot on. Only his hair is grayer and more lines slice across his wrinkled forehead.

“Can I help you?” he asks, completely unaware of who I am, which makes me laugh.

Without moving I ask calmly, “You can tell me why the fuck you walked out eighteen years ago.”

“Ryan?” He sighs and avoids looking me in the eye as recognition finally dawns on him, but I don’t back down. He rubs the back of his neck, a gesture I’m disturbed to realize I inherited. “What do you want me to say, son? It was a long time ago.”

Hearing this stranger call me son fuels the fire. “So that’s it. There was no actual reason for you to abandon your family? You were just able to walk away and never look back, easy as that?” I squeeze my fists shut and feel all the pent up anger I’ve carried with me for the past eighteen years burn behind my eyes.

“I’m sorry it happened that way, but it was what was best for me. I wasn’t happy and I needed a fresh start. I don’t know what else you want me to tell you. It was easier to leave it all behind; it wasn’t worth the fight to get into it with your mother.”

He shrugs weakly and looks like a complete coward, allowing me to understand with absolute certainty that while I might share some physical traits with the guy, I am nothing like him. Not in any way that matters. Because I know I could never, ever walk away from my son for my own selfish reasons. From the moment Kelley told me she was pregnant, my life became about her and my kid and no matter what crap has happened between us that has never changed. Even if Kelley and I aren’t meant to be together, my family will always be worth any shit I have to go through. It’s not about what’s easiest, it’s about what’s right. If Kelley needs me, then I’ll fucking be there. No questions, no hesitation. If giving her space is what is best for her then I’ll fucking do it even if it rips my heart out. But I’m also not going down without a fight.

And this, I suddenly realize, is exactly what love is. It’s not a fucking weakness, it’s a privilege. One my father lost a long time ago. One that I hopefully still have time to earn back.

I shake my head and snicker, “Thanks, dad.”

“For what?” he asks, rightfully unsure.

“For showing me what kind of father not to be.” Without hesitation I turn and head back to my truck, never once looking back.

My dad fucked up, but that’s his shit to deal with. There is no use comparing myself to him or wondering what could have been. That shit is in the past, and that’s where it’s going to stay. If I walk away from Kelley and Caden now then I’d be just as bad as him, but I know I won’t. All I need to worry about now is taking care of my own family and screw everybody else. When life stands there and grabs you by the balls, beating the ever-living shit out of you, you can either pussy out and run from it or you can pick yourself up off the floor and accept the challenge. And I fully intend to look that fucker in the face and tell it to go to hell.

I just hope it’s not too late.

Kelley

Thirty-eight Weeks

I
thought time away from Ryan would help get him off my mind.

Boy was I wrong.

A few days after I left his apartment I went to the office thinking I could throw myself into work in order to forget him. As soon as I walked in I saw the final, signed lease agreement for
Grind
on my desk. I walked right back out and called in my maternity leave.

The next day I stayed on the couch with a tub of ice cream, determined to watch nothing but sappy chick flicks and bawl my eyes out. The first channel I flipped to was playing
The Princess Bride
so I turned off the tv and tried not to puke instead.

Two days after that I swear the mailman smelled like cinnamon, so I shut myself in my room and have successfully avoided any type of human contact for the past few days.

Now it’s three a.m. and I can’t stop tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable. My bed feels too empty. My apartment feels empty. My fucking life feels empty. I have nothing, except for this baby growing inside me, which is now bittersweet.

The good news is I will always have a piece of Ryan Blake to hold onto.

The bad news is I will always have a piece of Ryan Blake to hold onto.

I find myself wishing our son’s eyes will be the same shade of blue as his dad’s, but I know that would also break my heart. I have enough trouble getting images of them out of my head as it is. First I see them looking intense and sincere as he vowed to spend forever with me, and then I think about how wild and lost they were when I told him it was all a mistake. That
we
were a mistake.

Except that was a lie—ironically the first one I ever told him. Not only is Ryan the father of my child, but he’s also my best friend . . . and that is something I didn’t expect to mean so much to me. I would do it all over again if it meant we could be together, even knowing how painful it would turn out in the end.

For the past two weeks I’ve done nothing but replay every moment we spent together, trying to understand where exactly it went so completely wrong. Looking back it seems like I had everything, but at the time it felt like nothing. I didn’t want him to choose me because he had to. I wanted so much more with him . . . I wanted everything.

He thinks I left because I don’t love him? I left because I love him too fucking much.

And that’s the sad, harsh, ironic truth—a lie brought us together, and the truth tore us apart.

The pain I feel in my heart suddenly shoots across my abdomen, making me double over. It feels like someone has my insides in a tight vise and then it releases.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed when I’m hit with another wave of spine tingling pressure that makes me cry out. I grip the side table to steady myself as I try to stand. When I look back I notice a red stain on the sheets. Panic grips me as I fear the worst—I’m not due for another couple of weeks. This can’t be happening. Not again.

Cradling my stomach in my hands, I reach for my cell phone. As the phone rings on the other line I whisper to my belly, “Please Caden. Hang in there. I promise to take care of you and love you more than anything just please be ok. I need you to be ok.”

Finally the call picks up and amidst another round of sharp pain I grind out, “Kins, I need to get to the hospital. I think I’m about to have this baby.”

Fifteen minutes later Lucas and Kinsley pick me up and I spend the entire ride to the hospital yelling at Lucas to drive faster.

“I’m already going forty over the speed limit. Unless you want to get there by ambulance you’re going to have to chill out.”

I called Dr. Conners as soon as I got off the phone with Kinsley, and while she told me a little spotting is typically normal, I’m anxious to make sure everything is ok.